Chapter 30
Derek
“You need to go after her!” Evie’s desperate plea forced me to grit my jaw to steady myself. Nathan nearly pulled her off me, wrapping his arm around her waist and holding her by his side, but Evie pushed him away. “Nathan, tell him that he needs to go get her!”
I ran a hand over my face.
“Nathan, tell him, please!”
“Evie, stop.” Nathan forced out the word, looking at Evie like she needed to be quiet...something I hadn’t seen in him before. He adored her...but he was frustrated. “Let Hannah be. She needs space and we need to give it to her.”
“But—”
“No.”
Evie’s eyes filled with tears and she looked away, her shaking hands wrapping around her body against the chilly night. Nathan sat back down and leaned his back against the chair while my gaze dropped to the pictures.
Fuck.
Everything was a mess.
We should have known it was too good to be true. Should have known that the happiness would have been taken from us in a way we didn’t expect. Just when Hannah was letting herself be happy, letting herself be the person she wanted to be, something like this happened.
She wouldn’t be able to handle the blame again.
This would confirm everything she feared from the start—the past would always follow her.
Sick to my stomach, I picked up the note, studying each letter, each fucking curve in the writing as if that would give me a clue to who it was, but nothing happened.
“Hiring a PI is the best option.” Nathan broke the tense silence surrounding us. “They would be able to investigate along with the police and the bank more efficiently.”
Reasonable enough.
“How do we fix the stalking part, though? Hm?” The words tasted bitter on my lips, a fucking poison. “Because while they investigate, while they find proof, there is still someone out there who knows every fucking detail about her life. They know where she lives, they know our daughters exist. So how the fuck do we handle that for now?”
Nathan sighed, rubbing his temple but didn’t give me an answer...because he didn’t have one.
No one did.
“That’s not even the main problem and you know it, Nathan.” Evie glanced at us with heartbreak written all over her face. “We need to go look for her now but we’re wasting time.”
Exasperated, Nathan glared at Evie who couldn’t keep herself from trembling...as if she was facing a very real fear.
The tightness in my chest increased.
“What am I missing here?” I asked, glancing between the both of them.
Nathan shook his head, his lips in a tight line and Evie looked at him, as if seeking his permission...his approval for something.
He didn’t give it.
“What the fuck is going on?” I insisted, this time unable to keep that fear from showing in my voice. Something was terribly wrong and I could feel it.
Evie hesitated, looking at her husband but Nathan didn’t say anything.
“When you had your fallout last time, it was too much for her.” Her words made me want to jump out of my own skin. I could feel the panic creeping in with each second that passed, as the weight of what she implied began to sink in.
I swallowed past the lump lodged in my throat, fighting the urge to run. I needed to know despite the sense of dread that made me falter.
“What do you mean?”
Evie looked to Nathan for help, but all he did was shake his head in disapproval.
”Hannah hurt herself. Badly.” Evie’s voice broke as did my resolve. I cursed, looking to the night sky for some fucking comfort that it wasn’t my fault, but I felt the guilt in every bone in my body. “I found her in the restroom and...and it was bad, Derek. We called an ambulance and they took her in, and had her in the hospital for a couple of days.”
Defeated, Nathan sat back down and let out a sigh. Evie wiped away her tears as the memory made her falter.
I didn’t want to imagine, didn’t want to think of a life in which Hannah thought it wasn’t worth living but I knew she had. I always did.
And knowing I had a part of pushing her over the edge...fuck.
I’d never wanted to hurt her.
Evie continued, her eyes swirling with so much emotion I wasn’t sure how the hell she was still standing there, begging. “So you see, she can’t be left alone. Please Derek, we need to go look for her. You need to go after her. Please.”
I wanted to go after Hannah more than anything.
I wanted to find her, take her in my arms and protect her from the world, from herself.
But to do that would have been to betray her.
My stomach churned and the backyard suddenly seemed too small, but I knew what I had to do. I let out a breath, one that seemed to be lodged in my throat and walked up to Evie, seeing the hope in her eyes.
“I want to go after her, Evie and I know you want me to go, too...but this isn’t about what I want or you want...it’s about what Hannah needs...” Her features contorted in pain and disbelief, but I continued, even as she stumbled back. “And what she needs now is to be alone.”
Nathan shot me a glance from where he sat, one full of understanding and respect. He had Hannah’s best interest in mind and despite Evie being his wife, he remained impartial.
Evie was on the verge of tears, nearly begging for me to go look for her but I wouldn’t.
Not if that meant hurting her further.
I placed a kiss on Evie’s forehead and stepped back, watching how quickly she began to fall apart. Nathan stepped in and hugged her, while I made my choice clear.
“I’m going to call the PI now. You guys are welcome to stay or see yourselves out. I’ll let you know when she’s back home.”
With a silent nod, Nathan held Evie for a few seconds while I finally walked away.
And in the silence of the empty bedroom, it dawned on me that the fear of Hannah not coming back was very fucking real.
***
She was gone for two hours.
Two hours in which Evie sent one too many messages.
Two hours in which I drove myself crazy after I spoke to the private investigator, trying to tell myself that not all scenarios ended in bloodshed.
Two hours in which I realized that if she didn’t make it back home, what was left of my sanity would quickly disappear.
It didn”t matter how much I had to pay or what we had to do, this had to end, for all our sakes. I didn’t have a family growing up, I didn’t have someone to love and protect but now that I did, I’d be damned if I let anyone hurt them.
I heard the front door open and shut, followed by the soft footsteps I was so familiar with. They grew closer, except she never showed up at our bedroom door. I got myself up from the bed and headed in the direction of the girls bedroom, stopping when I saw her standing by their crib, her hand carefully caressing their innocent faces.
And when her eyes met me from across the room she took the breath from my lungs. Her swollen eyes were hopeless, defeated.
Like all her fight was gone.
She pulled on the sleeves of her shirt, covering her wrists and the world nearly collapsed on me. It was until then that I realized she’d started this habit after her attempt...trying to hide what she had done.
Fuck.
The stabbing pain in my chest intensified with each passing second, the thought of her hurting herself after I”d broken her heart eating me up alive. Maybe I hadn”t caused her to do it, but I”d definitely played a part.
Guilt quickly took over, making it hard to fucking breathe. The thought of her being gone forever was too much. A world in which she didn”t exist was unimaginable.
Hannah cleared her throat, as if trying to speak but didn’t say a single word, not for a few more seconds...and I didn’t know what to fucking say without admitting that I knew everything, so I stayed quiet, shutting my mouth over the fear of saying the wrong thing.
“I’m sorry this is happening.” Her voice was soft, but full of conviction. As if she truly believed she was responsible for all of it. My heart hammered against my chest as she continued with an apology she didn’t need to make. “This is all a mess and it will always be a mess because of me and—”
“Don’t say that,” I said, hoping I could stop her from saying things that weren’t true but it wasn’t enough.
Her throat moved as she swallowed and she stepped away from our daughters, closing the distance between us. “It’s true. This is all happening because of me, Derek. It’s never going to stop, ever, because someone will always come after me, after my family because of what I did.”
“Hannah, don’t—”
“I’ve fucked everything up, ruined all chances for us have a normal life and now this is happening and—”
“So what do you suggest we do? Hm?” I bit the question out, full of bitterness though not aimed at her. “Because blaming yourself solves nothing.”
Her lip curled as she thought of what to say, but I knew exactly the words that would leave her mouth when she spoke. “I should have never come back.” Such finality in her words, such fucking distress and yet the knot in my throat made it impossible for me to say a thing in that moment. “I should have stayed away, stayed far, far from everyone I loved so I didn’t drag them into my mess. Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here and now—”
“Stop!” My voice broke through the quiet room, causing our girls to stir. Hannah walked past me and to the hallway when she realized I was too frustrated. “Stop saying shit like that because you know it’s not true.”
Hannah rolled her eyes. “Now that is bullshit. You know every single bit of it is true. If I hadn’t come back—”
“If you hadn’t come back our daughters wouldn’t exist.” My reminder made her freeze in place. I walked up to her, towering over her fragile body. She looked so fucking defenseless, but her eyes were alight with anger. “If you hadn’t come we wouldn’t exist.”
She inhaled sharply when I took her hand in mine and caressed the soft skin of her wrist.
“Don’t ever for a fucking second think that our lives—my life—would be better without you.”
Her brown eyes swirled with emotion. Anger, sadness...betrayal. Trembling, she pulled away from me, holding her hands against her chest as if the contact stung. Maybe it did...but it was the only way I had of telling her I was with her unconditionally.
“She fucking told you. ” She took off again, this time heading to our bedroom and slammed the door shut behind her. First a stalker...now Evie’s betrayal.
Gotta give her a fucking break.
We’d only been married a little over a week and very clearly, everything was already falling apart.
Neither of us were thinking straight.
We needed some space but I couldn’t give it to her. After all the shit we’d been through, I wouldn’t leave things festering. I found her in the restroom, taking off her earrings as she leaned against the counter, her lips pressed in a tight line.
“You can say what you want. We all know this is because of me. We all know that your life, Evie”s and everyone else’s for that matter, would be different if I wasn’t here. But let’s suppose it doesn’t matter...tell me, how the hell do I fix this? How the hell do I make sure our daughters will be okay? How do I even find out who is following me? Tell me, Derek, how the hell do I stop this?”
“I don’t know,” I replied, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t fucking know.”
The tension in the air thickened with every breath we took and the need to have her close to me grew each second. She looked up at me with her chest heaving, whether it be from anger or something else I didn’t know, and I didn’t wait to find out. My fingers tangled in the back of her hair and I pressed my lips against hers. She was my taste of heaven in the midst of this hell...
My breath of fresh air when I felt like I was drowning.
When she didn’t pull away and instead wrapped her arms around my neck, holding on to me like I was the same to her, all bets were off.
I strained against my sweatpants as I unbuttoned her jeans, desperate to be inside her, surrounding me with her warmth. A quiet whimper left Hannah’s lips as I kissed the soft skin of her neck, nipping, biting, taking everything I could from her.
My name left her lips, a quiet plea that I gratefully accepted as I lifted her onto the counter, knocking something over but not giving a damn.
I made love to her there on the counter, then in the shower as the warm water cascaded over our naked bodies, reminding her she belonged there with me, until death do us apart.
***
We laid in bed surrounded by the silence of the night, comforted only by each other. I held her in my arms, safe and protected...yet it didn’t feel like enough. I pressed a small kiss at the top of her head, realizing just how quickly things had changed in the last twelve hours.
The happiness in her eyes had completely dissipated, replaced by uncertainty.
And that feeling in my chest, the fucking fear became too real.
”I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her quiet admission broke me out of my trance. I closed my eyes, thinking back to those months in which everything was a blur. In which my anger had blinded me and dictated all my decisions. While I fought my battle, Hannah had nearly lost hers. “I always struggled with my self worth...I didn’t have the best mom, you know? And then when I left prison and had to make so many amends, I never felt like I deserved anyone’s forgiveness.”
Fuck.
Her voice trembled, but I didn’t stop her. She needed to say it and I needed to hear it.
“And then I was finally happy and we were planning a family and all of a sudden you doubted me again. It was too much.” I squeezed my eyes shut at her confession as guilt quickly knocked the air out of my lungs yet again. The thought of losing her was unbearable. “It felt like I wasn’t worth it. And it was easy to think that disappearing was the only option.”
“Kind of like it does now,” I replied.
Hannah glanced up at me and for a moment I thought she would deny it, but to my surprise, she didn’t. She simply gave me a small nod before settling her head on my chest again.
She trusted me.
“I know Evie meant well...I know she was scared, but I never wanted you to find out like this. I didn’t want you to perceive me differently.”
I shifted on the bed, propping my head up with my hand as I looked down at her. Her beautiful eyes sparkled in the darkness of the night and her hair fanned out on the pillow below her.
She was beautiful...more than words could describe.
“Baby, if anything, this makes me admire you more.” I brushed her hair back and gauged her reaction carefully. “I’m so fucking sorry my actions pushed you to do something like that but—”
Hannah shook her head, and a lone tear ran down the side of her face. “It wasn’t your fault, Derek. I had a lot of unresolved issues, too. I just didn’t feel worth it anymore, not until I found out I was pregnant. Those girls...Isa and Annie quite literally saved my life.”
Her scars didn’t start with you.
Carter’s words echoed in my head, and their meaning finally sunk in.
The person who was supposed to love her, had completely broken her. She had never learned how to live without having to meet someone else”s expectations. Her mother had ruined her much like mine had ruined me.
“I know you tell me I”m not responsible for this, and maybe I”m not but Derek, it”s very hard for me to believe it when I know it could have been avoided had I not made the choices that I made,” she whispered.
I couldn”t say she was wrong and she knew it.
I leaned in and kissed her gently, resting my forehead against hers.
She was right.
Her past had made her plenty of enemies—powerful enemies—which she managed to steal from...made them go bankrupt.
They were already corrupt to begin with, so who the hell knew what they were capable of.
To say the list was extensive was an understatement.
“Do you think this will ever end?”
My chest felt tight, like it had since we had found out what was happening and I knew it would continue until we could figure this out...if we could.
The odds were stacked against us.
This person had been following Hannah for over a year, knew exactly where she lived, where she worked and we had just found out they existed and it was only because they wanted us to know.
Shit.
I’d never had a panic attack because I was usually drunk enough to avoid them, but this sure as hell felt like one.
“I”m not sure,” I admitted. “But I know I”ll be with you through it all.”
Hannah looked up at me, her pretty eyes shining with the moonlight that poured through the window. I wished I could tell her it would be over soon...that everything would be okay but the truth was, I wasn’t sure it would be. She knew it, too.
“You don”t deserve this.”
With a half smile, I replied, “Neither do you. No matter what you think, you don”t.”
Another silent tear ran down her face, followed by another and then another. She covered her face with her hands and I took her in my arms, holding her as she quietly sobbed.
“I don’t know what will happen,” I murmured, “but we made a promise a few days ago, baby, and I plan on keeping it. I meant every word I said. I”m not walking away. For better or worse, Hannah, I”m here with you, every step of the way.”
She nodded against my chest, and for a few minutes, it was only the sound of her sobs that filled the air.
I tilted her face up so I could see her and smiled at her, brushing my lips against hers. “I need you to promise me something.”
“What is it?”
“If you ever feel yourself falling into that depression again, if you ever have those thoughts, just tell me.” She looked down, as if ashamed and I quickly tilted her chin up so I could see her. “No...don’t do that, Hannah. There’s no shame in what you did. We all go through things...you’ve never judged me for my alcoholism, have you?”
“No.”
“Then why would you think I’d judge you for your trauma?” Quietly, she shrugged and bit her lip. “Hannah, when I say I love you I mean all of you. I accept you for who you are...I always have.” I pulled her lip from underneath her teeth with my thumb, hearing her shaky exhale. “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes so you could love yourself as much as I love you.”
The wheels in her head turned. I could see it as she struggled to find anything to say, except, she didn’t say anything at all. Instead, Hannah wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down to her, locking her lips with mine.
Fuck it.
Everything else could wait.
I had her in my arms and that was all that mattered.
At least for that night, we would forget.