Chapter 33
Hannah
“Are you sure you want to be here?”
I sighed, leaning my head back against the headrest as I turned to look at Derek. He’d asked the question so many times I was beginning to think he was the one that wanted to avoid Evie. I hadn’t seen her since that day we found out about Nathan’s gallery, but after all the uncertainty, I craved some normalcy.
These family reunions had become an essential part of my life.
“I’m fine,” I replied.
Derek reached over, caressing my face before leaning in for a kiss. It was those moments, the quiet, tender moments that made everything okay. I didn’t know what to say as he pulled back and realized how dark his eyes were, stormy...like he had the same fears in his mind that I did.
“I swear, I’d lock you up in a tower to keep you safe if I could,” he whispered. “You and our girls are everything to me.”
I offered him a smile, lacing my fingers with his. I loved the feel of his skin against mine, the comfort it brought to my heart when he was near me. His voice soothed my senses which tended to be in overdrive nowadays, even if I kept it hidden.
We took the girls out of the car, glancing at the gray clouds that covered the midday sky, but didn’t dwell on it as we headed to Evie’s backyard. Little Lily ran up to us, jumping into my arms so hard that had it not been for Derek’s firm hand on my back, I was sure I would have fallen. I laughed, holding my precious niece in my arms for a little longer than usual.
“Aunty Hannah, you took very long to get here. Why did you take so long? I was waiting for you!”
“How much chocolate have you had?” I laughed, kissing her forehead.
“A lot, but shh, my mommy doesn’t know.”
Deborah approached us, rolling her eyes as she pried Lily off of me and waved her away with a smile. Derek gave her a hug and then the woman turned to me, offering me one of those beautiful motherly smiles she always reserved for me.
“How are you holding up, dear? Nathan told me what happened.”
Derek excused himself with a wink in my direction and walked toward Carter, who sat on the other side of the backyard.
“I don’t know. Some days I think it’s going to be okay and others I’m not so sure.”
Deborah hummed, thoughtful.
My heart sank because if she didn’t know what to say, I wasn’t sure if there was anything that could fix this.
“It’s a pretty bad situation, isn’t it?” she finally asked.
“Yeah...it is.”
“You know you don’t have any fault in this, though, right?”
I scoffed, sitting on a step of the patio. Deborah followed, placing a comforting hand on my knee.
“And let’s say the root cause of this is everything you did—”
“It is.”
“Okay, the root cause of this is what you did. You still have no say as to how others handle it. It’s been years, Hannah. Please don’t feel guilty.”
“It’s hard not to,” I whispered, looking over at Derek. He laughed with Carter, each of them holding a baby in their arms. The sight was precious...perfect. “They don’t deserve this.”
“For the record, neither do you. You turned your life around...that’s not you anymore. I think you deserve more credit than you give yourself.”
I shook my head, but didn’t say a word, unsure if I’d be able to keep it together if I spoke.
“Besides...you have to have done something right to have those two beautiful girls and a man who’d lay his life on the line for you, don’t you think?”
Maybe it’s just luck.
“And it’s not you getting lucky.” I narrowed my eyes at her, hating that she knew me so well. “You have a good heart, dear. You deserve every good thing that comes your direction. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
“Did you hear about my sister drama, too?”
At that, Deborah laughed, and the sound made me smile. “Ah, that Evie. She means well, but sometimes her feelings get the best of her.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Complete opposites, you two.”
“Polar opposites.”
We sat in silence, looking ahead to the family surrounding us. There were so many of them that the air we breathed was charged with love. Despite the differences and uncertainty, there was so much love there that I could barely handle it. Deborah placed her hand over mine and squeezed.
“I never thought I would have this—a family. So much love in one place.” I looked over at her with tears blurring my vision. “I’m so afraid I will lose it all.” The admission stung, but it was time I said it.
The idea of losing the family I had built, the only man I’d ever loved...the love of a family I had never had frightened me so much it kept me up at night. I didn’t know how I could lose it, I just knew it was a very real possibility.
Deborah didn’t say anything, and for that I was thankful. I didn’t need her to find comforting words or say something to make me feel better...all I needed was to admit my fear out loud.
I couldn’t live in a world in which my daughters weren’t with me...in which Derek was gone. I needed them in my life, needed them with me to continue living. I couldn’t lose them.
I wouldn’t survive.
***
Evie’s house was quiet.
It felt empty without the sound of the kids or Evie and Nathan’s playfulness. I walked upstairs to her bedroom and knocked on the door, asking if I could come in so I could finally talk to her. A faint “come in” came from behind the closed door and I opened up, catching a glance of Nathan who sat on the bed with an annoyed look on his face. Evie stood in front of a mirror, putting on some earrings and forced a smile in my direction.
I thought I was having a rough time.
The couple who was usually playful seemed tense.
“I wanted to talk to Evie,” I said quietly and Nathan looked up at the ceiling, letting out a huge breath.
“Thank God,” he muttered. “She’s been avoiding you all day.”
Evie glared at him, but didn’t say a word.
I wondered why she hadn’t been outside with the rest of us, but now it made sense. She probably thought I’d be uncomfortable. It was always like her to remove herself from a situation, assuming it would be best, instead of asking. She hated confrontation.
Nathan stood up and hugged her from behind, placing a kiss on her cheek. The sweet gesture made her smile, genuinely this time, and she nodded at whatever he whispered in her ear.
It was sweet, seeing how much he loved her.
I used to envy that love, now I had one of my own.
Nathan excused himself, leaving Evie and I in awkward silence until I spoke.
“Why are you hiding up here?”
Evie shrugged. “I figured you didn’t want to see me.”
I gave a little laugh as I sat next to her.
“I’m sorry about telling Derek,” she said. “I should have never told him. I was just so worried about you.”
“I understand. But it’s not your story to tell, Evie. Had it been anyone else I would be livid.”
Evie cleared her throat, but didn’t say anything for a few seconds. I could tell she had a lot on her mind, a lot of things to work through herself. “I’m just afraid you’ll try to hurt yourself again, Hannah. It was so scary and I don’t know how to process the fact that leaving you alone when you’re upset is okay.”
I took her hand and squeezed it gently when I noticed the tears in her eyes. It had been easy to forget how much my attempt affected her. She would be with me 24/7 for a few weeks after that, and I couldn’t say I blamed her. She was terrified.
“You have to remember we are completely different people.” Evie looked at me and wiped her tears. “You need company when you’re upset, but I...I crave the silence. I crave being alone. It gives me time to think through things, through the situation. I need you to understand that’s just part of who I am. I think I’ve been through enough therapy to know myself well enough now. I can understand that I need help. And with my girls, well, it’s easier to recognize the signs.”
She sniffled and nodded, satisfied with my explanation. I gave her a few moments to process what we’d talked about, hoping this was the only time we would have to discuss this and then stood up, taking her hand so she would as well.
“C’mon. It’s not a family reunion if you’re not there.”
***
I sat on the grass, looking at the stars that luckily were visible on this side of town. My girls were sound asleep in their stroller while Derek chatted with Nathan on the patio. I closed my eyes, feeling the gentle breeze of thenight against my skin, savoring the sweet silence that allowed my thoughts to take flight.
Happiness had always been such a foreign concept to me, one that didn’t feel feasible. And now, despite the uncertainty, it was all I felt. Sure, fear was hidden deep inside but the happiness took over, especially when I saw my whole family together.
All I could think of was my mother.
I wished she could have felt this.
I wished she would have given herself the opportunity to love and be loved.
Taking a deep breath, I hugged my knees to my body, realizing my anger had given way to pity. I loved her...she would always be my mother after all, but I was done holding on to my anger and disappointment at the life we never had.
All I knew was that I would give my girls everything: my love and patience and understanding so they could always say their mother tried her best.
I closed my eyes, taking everything in.
“What are you doing all by yourself over here?”
I didn’t bother opening my eyes, instead, focusing on the sound of Blake’s voice.
“Are you meditating?” I could hear the smile in his voice and finally, looked at him to see if it was there.
His smile lit up his face, and I loved it. I hadn’t told him, but of course I’d noticed him texting Lisa since my wedding. I didn’t ask, but I knew what he felt for her.
“Kind of.” I reached out, covering his hand with mine and meeting his calm blue eyes. He’d given my heart happiness in its darkest moments, and he didn’t realize how much that had meant to me. “Thank you, Blake. You’ve been with me through everything since we met...that’s something I don’t take for granted.”
Blake didn’t say anything, never did when I thanked him...but I hoped he knew how much I appreciated him. I leaned my head on his shoulder, hoping he knew that if he ever needed anything, I would be there for him as well.