26
SELENA
Flashback
Jade had already been staying a week.
I'd seen the way Kai looked at her. I'd seen the way she looked at him. I felt like an alien in my own home. Like I was the third party in their story.
I hated this feeling. I'd felt it over and over again. Every time I dated someone, every time I liked someone, they always found someone else. The person meant for them. And I was left standing alone.
Sometimes I wondered if there was someone out there for me. I thought it was Kai. I thought I was his soulmate. The universe wouldn't keep bringing us together if we weren't meant to be.
But watching them, I had to admit, I was taken aback.
Kai was my best friend. Is my best friend. And I'd never seen him this way with anyone before. Not with any girl. Not even with me.
He listened when she talked. Really listened. His body leaned toward her like he was drawn there without even realizing it. He wanted to know more about who she was. Asked questions. For me, he never asked questions. I heard all his stories, but he never dived deep about his feelings. It seemed he only spoke to me about his feelings when we were in a fight.
He stared at her a lot. And it wasn't a usual stare. There was lust in his eyes, yes. But it was more than that. It was like he saw her like no one else. Like in a crowd full of people, he would recognize her instantly. His eyes searched for her without thinking. When she entered a room, his attention shifted automatically. And when she spoke, he held eye contact.
As much as I hated to admit it, he acted differently around her. Like a lovesick puppy. Like someone who couldn't wait to get home from work so he could see her. Be around her. And he never seemed to get enough.
I wanted to confront him about it. But I knew he would just say he was trying to make her comfortable. And it would end in an argument. Or worse, I was scared he would admit it. And where would that leave me?
Was it better to know and walk away now? Or was I just handing my fiancé to her, not fighting for him? You were supposed to fight for your love, right? I was tired of fighting though. Exhausted. Every time I felt we were happy, something or someone else ruined it. Why couldn't we just be happy?
I got him. I got Kai. I got the ring. Then why did it feel like I was in love with Jade's soulmate? How was I second even in my own love story?
"Babe, are you ready?"
I blinked out of my thoughts. "Yes."
I had a yellow dress on today. Soft cotton that moved lightly around my knees. I decided I could use some color in my life.
We were going hiking with our friends. Jade was also coming.
The group loved her. She was an extrovert compared to me. She could charm people easily with her jokes, her bright smile, the effortless way she carried herself. I was always in my head about saying the right or wrong thing. But I had made friends with our group, and I loved them. She had met them once before, and everyone already invited her to all our events.
I wasn't jealous. They wanted to include her because she was my cousin. They were doing it for me. I reassured myself.
"Ah, babe. Yellow? Really?" Kai stepped into the room, leaning against the doorframe. His eyes dragged slowly over me. "It doesn't suit you."
My smile faltered. I looked back at myself in the mirror. My hair was in a ponytail. My chestnut eyes stared back at me. The yellow dress hugged my waist gently. I'd been excited about using color. For once, when I put it on, I'd thought it suited me.
"Really?" I asked quietly. "I thought it made me look pretty. I mean… I feel pretty in this."
He shrugged. "You look like a pineapple."
The words landed harder than he probably intended. I blinked.
He grabbed his keys from the dresser. "Maybe ask Jade to lend you some of her clothes. She has better style."
"Kai, she has different style. Not better style." I crossed my arms slightly, trying to stand my ground.
"I mean, she's a model. She could help you."
I nodded slowly. Giving in. As always.
He walked out of the room like the conversation was over. I looked back into the mirror. And suddenly I hated the dress. The bright yellow felt loud now. Embarrassing. He was right. So right. It made me look ridiculous. Like SpongeBob's house.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Quietly, I walked back into my closet. I pulled the dress over my head and tossed it onto the floor. The fabric landed in a small crumpled pile. I grabbed my usual outfit instead. Jeans. Black t-shirt. Safe. Invisible.
What was I thinking wearing that on a hike anyway? I glanced once more at the yellow dress lying on the floor. And my chest tightened. What was I thinking… feeling pretty, when I wasn't pretty in his eyes?
We hiked for about, well, I'm not sure how long. But I was out of air. Completely breathless. My lungs burned as I dragged myself up the rocky trail, each step heavier than the last.
Everyone else seemed perfectly fine. Mike and Anna walked ahead, their fingers laced together like it was effortless. Jay and Tracy joked and laughed as they climbed. Derek and Sarah moved slower, but Derek kept an arm around her waist the whole time.
And of course, Kai and Jade were ahead of everyone. Adventurous. Competitive. They had turned the hike into a race to see who could reach the top first.
"You're slowing down, Frost," Jade called over her shoulder, her voice light and teasing. "I thought you were supposed to be the athletic one."
Kai grinned, picking up his pace. "I'm letting you win. Trying to make you feel good about yourself."
"How generous of you." She tossed her hair back and laughed. "Except I can see you breathing heavy from here."
"I'm not breathing heavy. I'm... appreciating the scenery."
"The scenery is behind you, genius."
He glanced back at the trail, then at her, that stupid smirk spreading across his face. "Maybe the scenery I'm looking at is right in front of me."
Jade's cheeks flushed slightly, but she covered it with a smirk of her own. "Smooth. But you're still losing."
"Am I?" He sped up until he was right beside her, their arms almost brushing. "Or are you just pretending to win so I don't feel bad?"
"Keep telling yourself that." She nudged him with her elbow, playful, easy. Like they'd been doing this for years.
He nudged her back, and they both laughed, completely unaware of anything else around them.
Derek eventually ended up carrying Sarah on his back because she couldn't continue. Mike and Anna stopped every few minutes just to laugh and steal little kisses. Everyone looked adorable.
But me? At that point, I was less concerned with romance and more focused on staying alive. I was not an outdoor girl.
By the time I finally caught up with the group, my legs were shaking. I collapsed onto the ground, my chest rising and falling rapidly as I tried to breathe.
"You alright, cuz?" Jade asked, looking down at me.
I nodded. Unable to speak.
"Such an amazing view!" Sarah said dreamily.
Everyone turned toward the waterfall. It really was beautiful. The water rushed down the rocks in a white cascade, mist rising in the sunlight. The sound echoed through the trees, peaceful and powerful all at once.
Romantic. I watched the other couples cuddle close together, leaning against each other while they admired the view. Phones came out as they took photos, laughing as they tried to get the perfect shot. And a small part of my heart ached.
Kai was not an affectionate person. He wasn't used to having girlfriends, I kept reminding myself. He wasn't the type of guy who would hold your hand. Or kiss you in public. Or take photos and post them on social media.
No. He was very private. He preferred those things behind closed doors. And sometimes, I did feel hidden. Like I was having an affair with my own fiancé.
I had asked him about it once. "You're overthinking and being sensitive again." That's what he'd said. Then when I tagged him in a private photo of us, he deactivated his account. Said people from work would see and wouldn't take him seriously. How could I do that to him just for my five minutes of fame?
I craved being celebrated by my person publicly. But I told myself not everyone was comfortable with showing off their love. And as much as I wanted it, my fiancé just wasn't that way. I had to accept it. Stop nagging. I mean, I got the kisses and touches in private. So it wasn't a big deal. Right?
I pushed myself up from the ground and walked toward Kai and Jade. She was telling him some wild story, using dramatic hand gestures as she spoke. Kai leaned slightly toward her, his attention completely locked on her face.
"And then," Jade said, her voice animated, "he just stood there. Holding a fish. With his bare hands. Like that was a normal thing to do."
Kai laughed, a real laugh, the kind that crinkled the corners of his eyes. "What did you do?"
"I ran. Obviously. I'm not dating a man who hugs seafood."
"Smart choice. Very smart."
"I know. I'm full of smart choices." She tilted her head, grinning up at him. "Except when I agreed to race you up a mountain. That was questionable."
"Questionable or the best decision you've made all week?"
She pretended to think. "I'll let you know when my legs stop hurting."
I slipped my hand into his. His palm was warm. I interlaced my fingers with his. I didn't know why I was trying today. Maybe it was Jade. Or seeing the other couples. Or just the quiet hunger of wanting to be seen holding my fiancé's hand in public.
After two seconds, Kai pulled his hand away. The emptiness in my palm felt immediate. Sharp.
"Can I have some water?" Jade asked.
Kai handed her the bottle. Then playfully pulled it away.
"What are you, five?" Jade laughed, lunging for it.
"Five and a half, actually. Show some respect." He held it above his head, just out of her reach.
"Kai, give me the water."
"Make me."
She jumped for it, and he twisted away at the last second, nearly stumbling over a rock. She grabbed his arm to steady him, and for a moment, they were frozen there, her hand on his bicep, his face inches from hers.
"Careful," she said softly. "Wouldn't want you to fall."
"Wouldn't want you to catch me?" he asked, his voice lower now.
She laughed and snatched the bottle from his hand while he was distracted. "Too slow, Frost."
He shook his head, but he was smiling. "You're trouble."
"You're just figuring that out now?"
The others started cheering them on like it was some sort of game. Like they were a couple.
I watched the water run down her lips, a few drops slipping down onto her tight t-shirt.
Kai was staring.
I bit my tongue. Resisting the urge to tell him to stop drooling.
She handed the bottle back with a playful wink. He immediately took a sip from the same bottle.
"I'll give you a hundred bucks to jump into the water!" Mike shouted suddenly.
Kai glanced over, uninterested.
"Why, Kai? Are you scared?" Jade teased.
He smirked. "Very funny. But no."
I felt relief wash over me. It looked high. Dangerously high.
"Well, I can do it!" Derek suddenly said. Before anyone could stop him, he ran toward the edge and jumped. A scream echoed up from below. The group burst into cheers. Even Sarah laughed proudly.
"I'm next!" Jay shouted before following him. Another jump. Another cheer.
But my eyes drifted toward the jagged rocks surrounding the water below. My stomach twisted. Someone could get seriously hurt.
"Come on, Kai. You really can't do a silly little jump?" Jade challenged, stepping closer to him. "I thought you were supposed to be brave."
"I am brave. I'm also smart. There's a difference."
"Sounds like something someone scared would say."
He crossed his arms, but his lips twitched. "You're not going to let this go, are you?"
"Not a chance." She grinned. "What's the matter, Frost? Afraid I'll have something to hold over you forever?"
"You already have plenty to hold over me forever."
"Exactly. So one more won't hurt."
Kai's smirk returned. "Okay, fine."
The crowd cheered louder.
I quickly grabbed his arm before he could move. "It's not safe." I shook my head, fear filling my chest. "Don't do it."
"Okay, Kai, listen to your mommy and step aside," Mike teased. "You might be too much on the edge."
I glared at him. But I didn't care what they thought as long as Kai didn't jump.
"Aw, come on, cuz!" Jade rolled her eyes. "Everyone else did it and they're fine. Seriously, Kai, just jump. She's making a big deal out of nothing."
"It's not nothing. There are rocks there." I pointed toward the water.
"Jade's right," Sarah added. "The rest of the guys are fine."
I hadn't expected that. Suddenly it felt like me versus Jade. But it wasn't jealousy. I was scared.
"I'm sorry, Kai, but I don't have a good feeling about this." My voice came out firmer now.
"Okay, drama queen. He's not gonna die," Jade laughed.
The others joined in.
"Seriously, Kai, don't." I grabbed his hand again.
He had been quiet the entire time. He knew I was right. He knew it.
"Last chance, Frost," Jade called, hands on her hips. "Prove me wrong or prove me right. Either way, I win."
He looked at her. Then at me. Then back at her.
The next thing I knew, he was pulling his shirt over his head.
Jade cheered loudly.
I grabbed his hand again. "Seriously, don't."
He shook my hand off. "Stop." His voice was sharp.
Before I could process what was happening, he jumped.
My heart stopped.
He fell toward the water. And I was right. He hit a rock.
"KAAIIIIIIIIII!"
A gut-wrenching scream tore from my chest.
We all ran down the slope. But I ran the fastest. I don't know how I suddenly had the energy. I ran screaming his name.
When I reached the bottom, I saw him sitting on the shore. Alive. Awake. But blood trickled down his hand. Not a lot. Still enough to make my heart shatter.
I dropped beside him and pulled him into my arms. "Oh my God! You terrified me, Kai!" My voice broke. Tears streamed down my face as I held him tightly.
He was alive. He was okay.
We got home and I brought out the first aid kit. I gently cleaned the blood from his hand and wrapped the bandage around his palm. He barely looked at me while I worked.
I touched his face softly and kissed his forehead. "I'm glad you're okay."
He sighed, long and heavy, like the air leaving him was filled with irritation.
"We should ask a doctor to check it out anyway."
He sighed again, longer this time, pressing his fingers against his temples. "Just stop."
I looked at him, confused. My shoulders dropped. I rubbed my hands together nervously. "What did I do this time?"
He shook his head slowly, jaw tightening. "You made me look like a fool in front of all those guys."
"Kai, I care about you."
"Their girlfriends care about them too," he snapped. "But they weren't reacting like you." He stood up suddenly, the bed creaking behind him. "You were smothering me!"
"Oh sure! Being concerned is smothering!" I shot back, my voice rising before I could stop it.
I couldn't believe him. I cared. I cared that he could have died. No one else cared like I did. But as always, it was me. I'm the problem. I'm too emotional. I'm too sensitive. I'm just not fun. And I'd had it. Anger burned through my chest.
"You are suffocating me!" he shouted, running a hand through his hair. "You make me feel trapped, like I need your permission to do everything!" His voice echoed through the room.
"You know why I fell?" he continued bitterly. "Because I heard your voice in my head over and over saying I would get hurt. And I got hurt." His eyes flashed with anger. "Are you fucking happy?"
I stepped back like the words had physically hit me. "I would never wish that on you. Ever." My voice came out small. Barely there.
"You could have just pushed me faster instead of me having a slow painful fall with your nagging."
He looked at me with a kind of anger I had never seen before.
"I'm sorry that I give two shits about you!" I shouted, my hands shaking. "Go jump off all the fucking cliffs you wish to!"
I turned and walked out before he could respond. The hallway felt cold. Too quiet. My chest felt heavy.
He was hurt. He fell. And instead of comforting him, I was fighting with him. He was already in pain. Already embarrassed from falling in front of everyone. And I made it worse. I was too hard on him. I was mean. I should be there for him.
I took a breath and walked back into the room. He was sitting on the bed again, staring at his bandaged arm. My anger dissolved the moment I saw him. My face softened.
"I'm sorry." I grabbed him and held him. He let me.
"I know you care," his voice was quiet. "But sometimes… I just wish you were as chilled as Jade."
Those words broke me.
And in that moment I realized something terrifying. The girl he wished I was would never have loved him the way I did.
I would have burned the whole world down for him. But he wouldn't even light a match for me.