31
LUCIEN
Location: Hotel lobby. Selena is sitting alone, reading a book. The team is scattered around, all connected via hidden earpieces, hiding behind pillars, plants, and furniture for absolutely no reason.
Mission: Get Kai to have a normal conversation with Selena.
Disaster Level: Maximum.
Team Morale: Delusionally high.
The Dramatic Setup
I stood behind a pillar, whispering dramatically into my earpiece.
"Kai, she's by the fireplace. Alone. This is your moment."
Sabrina crouched behind a giant plant, peeking through the leaves. "I have visual. She's reading. Looks peaceful. Don't ruin her peace."
Jade lay flat on the mezzanine floor, peeking over the edge. "Why are we all hiding? This is so extra. I love it."
Kai stood in the middle of the lobby like a normal person, sweating, touching his ear. "I can see her. Why are you all hiding? You look ridiculous."
"We're being strategic," Jade said. "Also, I look amazing even while hiding."
Rohit squeezed behind a small decorative pillar, holding a tray of croissants. "I have the croissants. When do I bring them?"
"Rohit, that's not even part of the plan," Sabrina said.
"Every plan needs croissants," he replied.
"He's not wrong," Jade said.
I closed my eyes. This was already a disaster.
The Approach
Kai walked toward Selena. Got within ten feet. Froze.
"She's wearing yellow again," he whispered.
"Yes. She's beautiful. Keep walking," I said.
"You're a grown man. Just talk to her," Sabrina added.
"What do I say?" Kai asked.
"Maybe start with something other than 'I love coffee' this time," Jade said.
"Jade, shut up."
Selena looked up. "Excuse me?"
Kai's eyes went wide. He panicked into his earpiece. "She heard me!"
"No shit, Sherlock," Jade cackled quietly.
"Did you just tell me to shut up?" Selena asked.
"No! Not you!" Kai said. "I was talking to—" He stopped. Looked around desperately. Saw no one. "Myself. I talk to myself. It's a thing."
"You told yourself to shut up?" Selena asked.
"Yes. I do that. Often. Very often."
I facepalmed behind my pillar.
Kai spotted Jade on the mezzanine. She was peeking over the edge, grinning like a maniac. He waved frantically for her to move.
"Jade! Hide! She'll see you!" he hissed into his earpiece.
Selena turned to look where he was looking. Jade dropped flat on the floor. Too late.
Selena turned back, suspicious. "Who are you talking to? What are you looking at?"
"No one! Nothing!" Kai said. "Just... voices."
"Voices?"
"Yes. In my head. They tell me things. Bad things. About Jade."
Selena looked concerned. "You're hearing voices about my cousin?"
"Yes. It's a medical condition."
Jade wheezed into her earpiece. "MEDICAL CONDITION! I'm crying!"
"Jade, be QUIET!" Sabrina hissed.
I could hear Jade literally crying with laughter through the earpiece. This was not part of the plan.
The Rohit Situation
Rohit, seeing Kai struggling, decided it was time to execute his self-appointed mission. He waddled out from behind his tiny pillar, tray of croissants held high.
"CROISSANTS!"
Selena looked up. Saw her brother-in-law advancing with pastries. "Rohit? What are you—"
Rohit tripped over absolutely nothing. The croissants flew everywhere. One landed on Selena's book. Another bounced off Kai's head.
Rohit lay on the floor, covered in croissants. "I had one job!"
Jade howled with laughter in her earpiece. "HE HAD ONE JOB!"
Sabrina facepalmed behind her plant. "I'm going to kill him."
I slid down behind my pillar and sat on the floor. This was my life now.
The Chaos
Selena picked up the croissant from her book. Stared at it. Stared at Rohit on the floor. Stared at Kai, who was now covered in pastry flakes.
"What is happening right now?" she asked.
"He's with me," Kai said. "He's my... pastry assistant."
"Your WHAT?"
Rohit called out from the floor, "The croissants were fresh!"
"Rohit, you're my brother-in-law," Selena said. "Why are you throwing croissants at me?"
"I wasn't throwing! I was delivering!" he said. "There's a difference!"
"PASTRY ASSISTANT! I'M DONE!" Jade wheezed.
I put my head in my hands.
The Escape
Selena stood up. Brushed croissant off her book.
"Kai, I don't know what's happening. But I hope you get help. For the voices. And the pastry situation."
She walked away.
Kai stood alone. Rohit on the floor. Croissants everywhere.
Long silence in the earpiece.
Then Jade's voice, completely serious: "Guys. That was perfect."
The Delusional Debrief
"Wait. What?" Sabrina said.
"Think about it," Jade said. "She engaged with him. They had a conversation. Multiple exchanges."
"She thinks I have a medical condition," Kai said.
"Irrelevant. She was TALKING to you. That's progress."
I stood up and emerged from behind my pillar. "I... don't think that's how progress works."
"You're not a strategist," Jade said. "Trust me."
"She did say more than two words to him," Sabrina said. "That's technically an improvement."
"She called me crazy," Kai said.
"She called you INTERESTING. Big difference."
Rohit still lay on the floor. "And the croissants got her attention. That's a win."
"Exactly!" Jade said. "Rohit understands strategy."
"Rohit is covered in pastries," Sabrina said.
"A small price to pay for success."
The Victory Celebration
"I say we call this mission accomplished," Jade announced.
"Accomplished? She walked away from me!" Kai said.
"But she walked away THINKING about you," Jade said. "That's called emotional real estate, Kai. You're living in her head rent-free."
Sabrina nodded slowly. "She did seem confused. Confusion is engagement."
"I'm genuinely concerned for all of you," I said.
"That's because you're not a visionary," Jade replied.
Rohit picked croissants off himself. "So... we did good?"
"We did AMAZING," Jade said. "Team huddle!"
They gathered in a circle. Jade pulled them in. "On three. Mission accomplished!"
Everyone except me shouted, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"
I stared at them. "I'm dying and this is my legacy. Four delusional idiots in a hotel lobby."
"Five," Jade said. "You're here too."
"...Fair," I admitted.
Later That Night
Selena found me in our room.
"Something is seriously wrong with Kai," she said.
I tried not to laugh. "Oh?"
"He kept telling me to shut up. Then he said he hears voices about Jade. Then Rohit threw croissants at me."
"Rohit threw croissants at you?"
"Yes! It was very weird."
I pulled her close. "I'm sure he'll be fine."
"You're not taking this seriously."
"I'm taking you seriously. Always."
She smiled. Snuggled into me.
In the hallway, the team sat on the floor, covered in croissant crumbs.
"She thinks I have a medical condition," Kai said.
Jade grinned. "And that's a WIN."
"We're all delusional," Sabrina said.
Rohit held up a croissant. "But the croissants were fresh."
"See?" Jade said. "Rohit gets it."
She started laughing. Soon, they all were. Even Kai.
Even me, standing in the doorway, shaking my head.
Sabrina looked up. "Welcome to the team, old man."
"I'm thirty-eight," I said.
"Ancient," Jade said.
More laughter.
The worst plan in human history. And they thought it was a success. Delusional. But happy.