50
KAI EARLIER
I stood staring at the cross. She was gone. For good this time.
I didn't know pain until I saw her with him. Until I watched another man love her the way I should have.
Sometimes you don't know what you have until someone else shows you how to appreciate it. Love was simple. I made it complicated.
I never saw her. Not really. Not until I lost her. She was just a girl asking her best friend to love her. And I chose not to.
I started out as her hero. Climbing balconies. Fighting anyone who looked at her wrong. Watching movies until she fell asleep on my chest. Somewhere along the way, I became the villain.
I think about the look on her face when I told her to get rid of our baby. The way her voice broke.
The way she needed me. And I let her down. Over and over. I imagine her alone. Bleeding. Scared. Our baby dying inside her while I said "I do" to someone else.
I hate myself for it. But hating myself doesn't bring them back.
She was my home. She always led me home. And I set it on fire. For a temporary hotel. For someone who never loved me the way she did.
I watched Lucien build a home with her. Brick by brick. And he did something I never could. He stayed.
When he told me he was dying, I searched for matches. I knew I was one. But I couldn't give my heart while it was still beating.
I wasn't that brave. But now? Standing here without her? Knowing she nearly died because of me? Knowing our baby did die? I'm not brave. I'm just tired.
I went to his room. No one saw me. He was there. Machines beeping. Tubes everywhere.
I stood at the foot of his bed. Looked at him. Really looked.
"You're a better man than me," I whispered. "Love her the way she deserves."
I placed the envelope on the table beside her things. "Take care of her."
I went back to the chapel. Knelt.
"I don't know if you're real," I said. "But if you are…" I closed my eyes. "Let him live. Let her be happy. Let her have the life I couldn't give her."
I opened my eyes. Looked up.
"Let her know. Somehow, that I finally chose her."
My hands trembled as I took out the bottle. The one I'd been carrying for weeks.
I looked at the cross one last time. "North Star," I whispered.
I swallowed them. One by one. Until the pain stopped.