Chapter Twenty Five Six Years Earlier
Chapter Twenty Five
Six Years Earlier
He wasn’t meant to be there. But then Josh was good at that. There were a great many places where he wasn’t supposed to show up . . . and still did.
Like in the middle of the night when I woke from an old dream and only just managed to stop his name from escaping my lips.
Or crossing my thoughts every time I saw someone with inky dark hair on a street somewhere.
Or in my head whenever I walked past a sycamore tree.
But the one place he really, really wasn’t meant to be was standing at the door of my hotel accommodation at the venue where in two days I was going to get married.
‘Josh. What the hell?’
‘Not quite the greeting I was hoping for,’ he said. There was a smile on his face that looked like it wasn’t sure whether it should be there. It shouldn’t have. Just like the man it belonged to.
‘You’re not meant to be here,’ I said, self-consciously cinching the courtesy towelling robe tighter around my waist. I threw a concerned glance over his shoulder at the hotel grounds, desperately hoping Adam hadn’t decided to go for a late-night stroll. His room was in the main building, whereas I was staying in one of the cluster of lodges set among the trees. The neighbouring lodge was reserved for my parents, who fortunately weren’t arriving until the morning.
‘If I wasn’t meant to be here, why did you send me a wedding invitation?’ Josh asked, not entirely unreasonably.
‘Because I thought you’d politely decline it, which, in case you’ve forgotten, you did.’
I’m not sure who’d been most relieved when Josh’s RSVP card had come back with the Unable to Attend box ticked.
I’d forever be glad that Josh and I had successfully managed to rekindle our friendship, but it had been impossible to ignore the undercurrent of tension between him and Adam when they’d met again at our engagement party. Of course, Josh hadn’t helped matters by turning up more than a little drunk with an equally inebriated, stunning redhead clinging to his arm.
‘I’m still torn between punching the guy on the nose for breaking your teenage heart all those years ago, and buying him a drink to thank him for being so blind he still doesn’t realise he’s let the best girl in the world slip through his fingers.’ Adam’s voice had been a low murmur in my ear as we’d slow-danced to a romantic song. Josh had been over on the other side of the room, propping up the bar with his date, but I’d felt his eyes on us as we travelled in slow circles on the dance floor. And I was pretty sure Adam had too.
So, when Josh had declined the wedding invitation, it had been much more of a relief than a disappointment.
But here he was now.
‘I had to come,’ Josh said, looking weirdly nervous as he stood at the door of my lodge.
‘No, you didn’t,’ I said firmly, trying to inch the door shut without him realising what I was up to. He placed one booted foot in the opening, stopping my plan in its tracks.
‘Can I come in?’
‘No,’ I cried, as shocked as any self-respecting Victorian maiden. ‘I’m not decent.’ I plucked the first excuse that came to mind, despite the fact that the towelling robe was thick and covered me from neck to ankles.
‘I’ve seen you wearing less than that,’ he reminded me with a fleeting smile that Victorian Me seriously considered smacking off his face.
‘Well, now it’s exclusively for Adam’s eyes,’ I said.
Josh visibly winced. ‘Please, Lily. I just want to talk to you.’
‘I’m getting married in two days,’ I told him, as though that small but important detail might have skipped his mind.
‘That’s why I’m here.’
Before I could decide if that was enough to let him in, suddenly, above the chirping of the crickets, I heard the whirr of an approaching golf cart. It was how the hotel residents travelled the grounds, and I had a sudden terrifying vision of Adam climbing out and seeing me apparently in the middle of a secret assignation. Feeling as though we were in a French farce, I grabbed Josh’s arm and hauled him over the threshold.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if moments later Adam knocked on the door, but I had a horrible feeling it might involve bundling Josh into a wardrobe or pushing him out of the bathroom window. Fortunately, when I looked out, it was to see one of the chambermaids behind the wheel of a cart loaded with towels and linen.
I leant back against the door, my heart racing.
‘Just say whatever it is you’ve come to tell me, and then get the hell out of here before Adam actually turns up.’
Josh shook his head. ‘He won’t come here tonight.’
‘What makes you so sure?’
‘Because he’s a traditional stand-up guy. He follows rules, he doesn’t break them.’ Unlike me hung on the air, but neither of us acknowledged the unspoken truth of that.
But Josh was right. Despite the fact that we largely split our time between my flat and his, Adam and I had agreed to separate accommodation at the hotel. There was something quaintly romantic in being apart for the two nights before the wedding.
We’d fallen in love with the venue the moment we’d driven up its meandering, tree-lined drive almost one year earlier. It was a beautifully restored stately home that backed on to a river, with the most amazing grounds where weddings could be conducted. Somewhere on the tour of the building, Adam had suggested that we should stay for a few days before the wedding.
‘For a pre-moon,’ he said, drawing me into his arms and kissing me, while the wedding coordinator politely pretended not to notice.
‘Is that even a thing?’ I said, laughing into his shoulder. But I loved the idea, especially after we’d been shown the luxurious spa facilities.
‘It’s our wedding, Mrs Tennant-to-be. We can do anything you want.’
‘Mrs Lily Tennant,’ I said, rolling the name over my tongue as though trying it on for size. For a split second an unwanted memory scythed into my head of writing ‘Lily Metcalf’ all over a school exercise book, never realising it was a signature I’d have no need to perfect.
Now, I pushed away from the door and strode towards the lodge’s compact sitting area.
‘What are you doing here, Josh?’ I deliberately ignored the appealing chintz-covered armchairs, hoping my unwanted guest would realise he wasn’t going to be there long enough to get comfortable. ‘You have five minutes,’ I warned, glancing down at my wrist as though to time him. Unfortunately, I’d left my watch in the bathroom. He almost smiled at that, and there was a time we’d have enjoyed that moment of comedy. But not tonight.
‘Five minutes, then you have to leave,’ I repeated, wondering how much damage he could possibly do in just three hundred seconds.
A lot, as it turned out.
‘Don’t marry him, Lily.’
I gasped.
‘I mean it. I know you think you love him, and maybe you do. But not as much as you love me.’
Outrage momentarily stole the air from my lungs.
‘What the fuck? What gives you the right to come barging in here forty-eight hours before I’m about to marry the best person I’ve ever met, talking such utter shit? I thought I’d heard every ridiculous notion in your head but—’
‘But you’ve never heard this.’ Josh swallowed visibly, his throat working overtime. ‘I love you, Lily. I’ve always loved you. There’s never been anyone else in my heart except you. And yes, I know this is the worst possible time to be telling you this. But better now than after you’ve gone through with it. I had to come. I had to stop you marrying the wrong guy, even if he is Mr Right, Mr Nice Guy, Mr Good Guy. He’s not the one you’re meant to be with. You’re meant to be with me.’
Pacing helped. I must have completed five circuits of the tiny lounge before I said a single word. Josh didn’t speak. He just watched me travel the perimeter of the room like a caged animal. Eventually the rage calmed down enough for me to construct a sentence.
I spun on my heel, catching him momentarily off guard and intercepting a look on his face that threw me off balance. He looked genuinely terrified, like a man whose entire life was hanging in the balance.
‘Damn you, Josh. Why the hell would you do this to me now? You’ve had fourteen years to tell me you had feelings for me, but you’ve swerved every single conversation that was even remotely personal. In fact, you’ve made it more than clear that all you’ve ever wanted to be was my friend.’
‘That’s not exactly true,’ he said carefully. ‘There was that moment . . .’ I knew the one he was talking about, and shook my head so that images of our almost naked bodies didn’t intrude into my thoughts.
All at once I was terribly aware that beneath my towelling robe I was totally nude, and just ten feet behind me was a room with a queen-sized double bed. Who was going to stop this madness from spilling over into total insanity? Because someone sure as hell had to.
‘I’m marrying Adam in two days,’ I said, my voice firm. ‘Not because he’s my second choice, but because I love him.’
Josh nodded. ‘I know that. But you love me too.’
‘I’ve never once said that,’ I insisted, like a prisoner pleading the Fifth.
‘You didn’t have to. I’ve always known it.’
My cheeks ignited. So much for keeping my feelings secret.
He took a step closer, and I knew I was meant to take a counter one backwards, but my feet felt as though they’d been glued to the floor.
‘And the reason I knew it, was because I felt the same. Feel the same.’
Speech was impossible, so all I could do was shake my head helplessly.
‘This isn’t some out-of-the-blue realisation, Lily. Our hearts decided on this years ago. I’m so sorry I was too stupid to realise it or listen to what I’ve always known was true. I’m sorry I’m doing this now . . . today. But I’m not sorry I’m doing it.’
I looked up from my intense scrutiny of the carpet, which was the only safe place for my eyes right now.
‘We’re meant to be together, you and me,’ Josh said softly. ‘I’m the one you’re meant to marry.’
‘And what about Adam?’ I challenged. ‘Because if you think I don’t want to be with him, then you’re even more deluded than I thought. He’s a wonderful person and he loves me so much. I will never, ever, do anything to hurt him. And calling off our wedding would do far worse than that – it would destroy him.’
‘More than having him realise one day that you’ve never stopped loving me?’
I gave a laugh that held absolutely no amusement. ‘You really think that much of yourself?’
Josh shook his head. ‘No. I don’t. I know I don’t deserve you, that I’m not worthy of you. Someone as incredible as you shouldn’t be in love with an idiot like me. But I think – I know – you are. And I couldn’t let you walk down the aisle without letting you know that there’s someone else who also wants to spend his life with you.’
It was too much to ask of my knees to keep supporting me, and I collapsed on to one of the chintz armchairs, like a boxer knocked to the canvas.
‘Everything is all booked. Guests are flying in from all over the world. The flowers are being arranged and the best wedding cake I’ve ever made is sitting in the hotel’s kitchen. It’s too late. You’re too late,’ I said with a catch in my voice. ‘My wedding dress is right in there,’ I said, pointing towards the bedroom, where the most beautiful gown I’d ever owned was hanging inside a silk garment bag. ‘My parents have spent an eye-watering amount of money to make this the most incredible day of our lives. You’re crazy to think I’d throw all of that away on . . . on . . .’ I was so angry, so incensed, words were actually hard to pin down.
‘On a love that started when we were teenagers and never went away?’ Josh said gently.
‘On a ridiculous fairy tale that couldn’t and shouldn’t come true.’
Josh dropped down to the floor in front of my chair, and for one dreadful moment I thought he was going to pull out a ring and propose, which would have pushed our situation into one no wedding etiquette book had ever covered.
Thankfully, all he did was reach for my hand.
‘All I ask is that you think about what I’ve said, Lily. There are still two days until the wedding. It’s not too late to change your mind. If Adam loves you as much as I do, he’d want you to be happy.’
Tears were now rolling down my cheeks, and I didn’t think I’d ever loved and hated Josh Metcalf quite as much as I did at that very moment.
‘Please,’ Josh implored, his voice cracking with emotion. ‘Please think about it. Don’t marry the wrong man, even if it is for all the right reasons.’
He left shortly after that with a promise he’d return the following evening. I followed him to the door, on legs that had never felt less capable of supporting me.
He paused for a moment at the threshold. ‘You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now. But I won’t cross that line because it’s not fair to you.’
‘But asking me to call off the wedding is?’ I said on a bitter laugh.
‘Goodnight, Lily,’ Josh said softly as he slipped out into the inky darkness. ‘Sleep on this and we’ll talk again tomorrow.’
But of course, I didn’t sleep that night. How could I when I was facing the worst decision I would ever have to make. I was holding a grenade in my hands, and lives were going to be destroyed whichever choice I made.