Always You and Me

Chapter Thirty Nine

Hello beautiful,

The sound of my sob echoed in the quiet countryside. Two words in, and I was already in bits.

So, you finally did it. You went to find him. I’m going to hazard a guess here and say it’s been a while since I went. I bet you kept putting it off, finding excuses not to search for him, or even considered not doing it at all. I guess none of that matters now . . . you went to Scotland, spoke to Josh, and now you know what happened between him and me.

I’ve pictured a thousand times or more how you’ll react when you learn the truth. There are a range of options: from you wanting to kill me, to you finding a way to forgive me for the way I’ve behaved. Maybe the best I can hope for is somewhere in between.

I deserve your anger, Lily, and every insult you want to throw at me. Believe me, they’d all be justified, and I’ve probably called myself far worse since that day.

I paused in my reading, as though testing my emotional barometer. Did I still feel angry? No. Not so much anymore, but perhaps that’s because the rage was dwarfed by the sheer joy of having Adam’s voice in my head one last time. This letter was a magical thread tethering me to him again, in a way that nothing else could do. Except the baby, I thought with a sad smile, as my hand went to my belly.

There are two questions I know you’ll want answered: why I did it, and why I never told you. God knows there were enough moments when it felt like it was just you and me in the world, and we were titanium-strong and could withstand anything. So why didn’t I confess what I’d done?

That’s easily answered, babe: I was scared. I was terrified it would change everything and that you’d never look at me, never love me, in the same way again.

I tried to tell you. The first time was on the night of the rehearsal dinner when what I’d done felt like a crime – who am I kidding, it still does. Everyone else had gone to bed, and it was just you and me together in the hotel foyer. I swear the words were right there on my tongue when you kissed me, and I was scared you’d taste the confession, like a poison that I’d swallowed. But you didn’t, you just said something really cute about how many minutes were left until you were my wife, and you looked so damn happy and excited I couldn’t bring myself to hurt you . . . hurt us, like that.

That first fail, when I should have owned up and never did, was just the start of it. There were golden beaches where we sat side by side under foreign skies when I could have told you. There were nights when we lay talking in the dark, whispering the kind of nonsense couples do, when I could have begun the conversation, but I always took the coward’s way out.

I know I would have told you in the end. I’m sure of it, because even though everything seemed perfect, was perfect, the lie was worse than the cancer that eventually came. It ate away at me little by little. But before I found the courage, I got sick, and when it was clear that I wasn’t going to get better, I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving with you hating me for what I’d done.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on to the letter. ‘Never,’ I whispered. ‘I could never have hated you.’ My fingertips grazed the paper as though I was caressing his face, forever smooth and unblemished by the lines, creases and wrinkles time never got the chance to leave.

Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me, Lily. I went from being a guy who was in no hurry to settle down, to knowing on that first day that I’d met the person I was meant to find. You were everything I didn’t know I’d been looking for. My friends thought I was crazy when I told them I’d found the girl I wanted to marry. You could hardly blame them, because at the time you still hadn’t agreed to go out with me. But the first time they met you, they all said the same thing. There was something special between us. Even the die-hard cynics warned me not to screw it up, that I’d be an idiot if I did anything stupid and let you slip away.

Which makes it all the worse that I did something so awful that I was sure I didn’t deserve to be yours anymore. When I spotted Josh acting secretive in the hotel grounds, I knew straight away why he was there. It was my worst nightmare come true: that the man you’d loved first would one day tell you he’d realised you were meant to be with him.

I’ve never been a jealous man; I hate that kind of possessive bullshit. But the first time we bumped into Josh at the Christmas market, every nerve ending in my body went on high alert. I was confident in our relationship; it was strong, and I knew how much we loved each other. But seeing you and him together tripped an alarm. It wasn’t what he said, or did, but there was something in his eyes when he watched you talking, or when you laughed. Everything I felt for you, the depth of my love, was written right there on his face. And the crazy thing is that I don’t think either of you realised it. But I did.

There are so many things in my life I’d change if I could. I’d have had piano lessons as a kid, I’d never have had that disastrous mullet as a teenager, or put off visiting my grandfather that last time. But the biggest regret of my entire life will always be contacting Josh on the day before our wedding. And the things I told him on that day.

My hands were shaking as I set the letter aside, inexplicably afraid that Adam’s words had the power to rewrite the past and change so many things that I could never reclaim. I closed my eyes, letting the September sun kiss my face. Somewhere nearby a skylark was singing, just as there’d been on the day I’d first met Adam. I think that’s what gave me the strength to read on.

I’m not a liar. But that day I told the worst, most dreadful lie of all. I told Josh you were having my baby. I knew he’d asked you to choose between us and I panicked, fearing you were going to pick him over me, that his hold on your heart was stronger than mine. I lost everything in that moment: the man I was who knew right from wrong, the person you’d fallen in love with, and the guy who trusted you enough to make the best choice for you. I thought you’d pick him, Lily. I truly thought you’d pick Josh.

I shook my head, my throat almost too tight for words.

‘How could you not have known that it would have been you, my love? It could only ever have been you?’

Could Adam hear those words as they floated on the soft breeze to the place where he would always be forever young, forever healthy, forever the right choice for my heart to have made at that time?

I damaged something precious with my actions that day. I made you lose your oldest friend, and that is truly unforgiveable. And the thought of you not having him there to lean on, because of my stupidity, is why I’m trying, in this very clumsy way, to make things right. I think Josh is a good man. A better man than me. I don’t think he’d ever have lied the way I did.

I’ve always believed if something is meant for you, it will find its way to you when the time is right. And if it can’t . . . well, maybe a promise and an old letter will help right the wrong.

Be happy, Lily. Move forward. Find love again. You deserve only the best of futures and I’m beyond sad that I can’t be there to share yours with you. Trust your heart. Follow it. It will take you where you’re meant to go.

Forever, Adam xxx

‘Are you alright?’

It was a good question, and one I had no idea how to answer. I was still caught in limbo halfway between the past and the present, with Adam’s words in my ears and Josh standing there in front of me, his face full of gentle concern. He’d been gone for ages, giving me the time I needed to sort out my emotions, but something told me however long he’d spent walking the hills, it still wasn’t enough.

Josh lowered himself cautiously on to the bench beside me, and Fletcher flopped down at our feet, clearly exhausted from the hike.

‘Did the letter make things better or worse?’ He really had cornered the market with great questions that morning.

‘Hard to tell right now.’ It was an honest answer, but perhaps not the one he wanted to hear.

We were silent for a long time, and when Josh eventually spoke, his voice was low and serious.

‘I hope this little baby knows how incredibly lucky it is to have you as its mum.’

I smiled as I turned on the bench towards him. ‘I think in all the years I’ve known you, that might possibly be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thank you. You’ve no idea how badly I needed to hear that, because now that it’s a reality rather than just a dream, it’s as scary as hell to be doing it on my own.’

‘I apologise for the appalling lack of compliments in the past,’ Josh said, his eyes crinkling into a smile before his face grew solemn. ‘Is doing this alone what you really want?’

‘Well, I’m not entirely alone. Mum and Dad have been longing to become grandparents for ages; they’ll be really involved. And I’ve got friends who I know will be there for me whenever I need them.’

‘But not me?’

His question felt like a trap that I was about to fall into.

‘What do you mean? After everything you’ve always said, I knew how you’d feel when I told you this news.’

There was an expression on his face that I rarely saw when Josh looked at me. Disappointment.

‘Then maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.’

‘Yesterday you said Adam knew the only thing that would ever make you walk away was me having his baby. And now I am.’

‘That was when you and Adam were about to get married. Of course I walked away then. I wasn’t about to ruin everything for you by forcing you to choose. You meant too much to me back then to hurt you like that. You still do.’

‘I . . .’ There were too many conflicting thoughts flying through my head to grab hold of a single one. ‘Josh, this is a baby. Adam’s baby.’

‘I know that.’

‘This is exactly what you said you never wanted. For God’s sake, you even had a vasectomy to make sure this never accidentally happened.’

Josh bit his lip, guilty. ‘That’s not entirely true.’ He gave a rueful attempt at a laugh, before his voice sobered. ‘Physically I can’t have kids, Lily. I got sick when I was travelling – I caught mumps, of all things – really badly. It left me unable to give you the one thing I knew you’d always wanted. A baby. The funny thing is, the news really shook me when the doctors broke it to me. I’d spent my whole life thinking I never wanted to be a dad, but when they told me I never could be, I cried. It felt like something had been ripped out of my hands because I hadn’t been holding it carefully enough.’ He paused and drew in a steadying breath. ‘Not being able to have kids was why walking away from you before your wedding was the right thing to do, and why I didn’t come after you seven months ago. I wanted you to find a way to make that dream come true.’ He shook his head as though the new information still hadn’t found a place to settle. ‘And you have. And I’m happy for you . . . and I’m happy for Adam too.’

And I knew him well enough to see that he meant that. He really did.

‘But do I wish it had been me and not him? Hell, yes.’

My head was spinning, unable to reconcile the man who’d never wanted a family with the one who was now saying everything I’d always wanted to hear.

‘What happened to make you change your mind?’

This time his eyes were full of a thousand memories as he looked at me.

‘You. You happened. You came charging back into my world and made it impossible for me to carry on pretending that I could live the rest of my life without you in it.’ He drew in a deep breath. ‘And then something happened when I visited Gordon at the home recently.

‘The dementia has taken almost everything from him now. Each time I see him it’s a little worse than the last. Most times he doesn’t know who I am, and it’s too confusing for him if I keep correcting him. So, I let him think I’m someone else’s relative or visitor. But when I went to see him last time, one of the carers asked him who his visitor was, and . . .’ Josh’s voice broke, and I loved that he didn’t even attempt to hide the depth of his emotion. ‘He said, “ This is my boy. This is my lad, Josh, and I’m so proud of him. ”’

My hand went to my eyes to wipe away the sudden tears that his story had prompted.

‘And in that moment, I knew that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t his flesh and blood, that I didn’t look like him, or that he’d never known me as a young child. He’d been there for me in a million different ways. He was my father in every sense of the word that truly mattered. I called him Dad rather than Gordon for the first time that day. I’ll do it now, every time I see him.

‘And that’s how I know that, if I ever get the chance, I could be a good dad. Because I had one hell of a role model.’

We were both quiet for a long moment, trying to corral our emotions.

‘You don’t have to do this alone, Lily. Unless that’s the way you want it. I could be there for you – for both of you – in any way you want me to be. And it’s okay if that’s only as your friend. I’ll understand if you need it to be just about you and the baby and Adam for now. I get that. I’ll be whatever you want, whatever you need. I can be the best damn uncle this little one could ever have. But if you want me to be more than that . . . then I’m in, Lily, I’m all the way in.’

‘I’m always going to love Adam, Josh.’

‘I know that.’

My eyes were on his, and the words that tangled all three of our lives together couldn’t be held back any longer. ‘But I love you too, I always have, ever since the first moment you tried to evict me from that tree.’

His smile was slow in emerging, and it grew so bright it was like looking directly at the sun.

Josh’s voice cracked again with the weight of his words and his eyes were filled with tears I’d never seen him shed before. ‘I fought being in love with you for so long, Lily; I just can’t do it anymore. I’m done. I don’t know what forever feels like. But I do know there is no one on earth I want to share it with except you. We can take this thing as slow as you want or need. But this time I’m not walking away.’

He was on his feet now, standing before me, with a vulnerability that I’d never seen before.

‘I want to be the person who gets to see you grow old. I want to be the person this little baby can always turn to. And I want to be the man Adam trusted me to be when he told you to go find me. All you have to do is tell me what it is that you want.’

It was the easiest question I’d ever been asked, and as I got to my feet and walked into his arms, I knew I was taking the final steps on a journey that had begun with a promise I’d made to another man.

‘It’s you I want, Josh. It’s us. I want us.’

And then he kissed me.