48. You are My Person
you are my person
julian
I’d given Alyssa my room number and asked her to come if she could. Then I’d gone back to the hotel and sat at the desk with my laptop open to emails I wasn’t reading, listening for the door.
The knock came at quarter to ten. I crossed the room in three steps, pulled the door open, and there she stood. Her mouth tipped up at the corners, with the smallest smile, sad at the edges.
Three weeks without her, and I’d been pretending the space didn’t gut me. Seeing her standing in the hallway, looking exhausted and beautiful, I almost lost my footing right there.
Neither of us said a word at first. My hand was around hers before she could open her mouth, tugging her inside and shutting the door behind us.
Then we collided.
She gripped my shirt, clawing at me as our mouths found each other, no easing into it, just weeks of hunger.
I pressed her back against the door, my hands on either side of her head, desperately kissing her.
The feel of her lips, her taste, and the sensation of her tongue tangling with mine, damn near had me in tears.
She kissed me back like she hadn’t taken a breath since we last touched.
Her fingers gripped around my neck, tugging me closer, both of us moaning and groaning against each other.
“God, I missed you so much,” I gasped against her lips and kept kissing her, not caring how frantic it came out.
“I missed you too,” she whispered back, breathlessly. A tear ran down her cheek, past the side of her mouth, and I licked it off.
“Don’t cry, Lyss.”
“I’m so sorry, Julian. I was wrong. I’ve regretted it every single day.”
I wrapped my arms around her and held her against me as tight as I could. I had not held her against me in three weeks. I put my face in her neck and inhaled deeply.
“I’m sorry. Lyss. Listen to me.” I pulled back enough to look at her, keeping my arms around her. “I’m the one who’s sorry. Okay?”
She shook her head.
“You were right. I don’t like how you did it. I have to be honest with you… I don’t like it. But I understand it. I understand why you did it. And I… I appreciate that you care about me that much. I do.”
“It doesn’t make it right,” she sniffled. “I shouldn’t have done it. I never want you to think you can’t trust me, Julian. I never want you to think I’m — devious. Like I’d manipulate you for the sake of it. That’s not who I want to be with you.”
I nodded my head, slow, then led her by the hand to the end of the bed and we sat down next to each other, legs touching. I kept her hand in mine.
“The thing is, I would have done the same thing for you. Maybe not exactly the same way. Probably even more conniving to be honest. But I would have found a way. If I felt like you were hurting, I would have made something happen. Would have moved the pieces around.”
“You don’t have to make excuses for me. I can take accountability.”
“I’m being honest, Lyss. I would have. I have. In different ways, but the same shape. You know what this time apart made me realize?”
“What?”
“We are two people who don’t know how to receive.
Who can’t stand being the one who needs anything.
The only times we’ve ever argued have been because of that.
You don’t want anybody to do things for you.
And I don’t want anybody to do things for me.
And we both, every day, try to do things for each other. Different sides of the same coin.”
“Sounds like a match made in heaven,” she half-joked.
I stared deep into her eyes. “I think it is. I think maybe that’s part of what makes us work.”
She looked at me.
“I think maybe that’s why you are what people call ‘my person.’ You try to do for me what no one else has done. I try to do that for you. Maybe what we need is to let each other do it.”
She put her hand on the side of my face. “You are my person too, Julian.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. You are my person.”
I took her hand and pressed her palm into my cheek. “I’m sorry I let you walk out.”
“I’m sorry too.”
“I’m never doing that again.”
“Me either.”
“You and I have always been able to talk. So if something happens, if we disagree, we talk it out. We don’t fall back, or go silent. Whatever it is. I promise.”
“I promise too.”
I pulled her onto me, straddling my lap with her face on my neck and my arms tight around her, and we held each other for a long time. Just holding on.
“I love you, Julian.”
It stopped my breath. I’d been holding those words for months, since I stood in my gym, watching her rack a dumbbell.
Not sure how to tell her, when, or even if I should.
Afraid of what it would mean once I admitted it out loud.
I had held on to it for so long that she got to it first. I was supposed to say it first.
I must have gone quiet too long, because her face started to fall like she’d misjudged the floor. Her hands started to come off my face.
“No.” I caught them and pressed them flat against my chest. “My reaction… it’s not what you think.”
“Julian, I…”
“I love you too. And I’m kicking myself because I’ve known it for months. Had every intention of being the one to say it first. And you walked in here at midnight and beat me to it.”
She let out a wet, startled laugh.
“I love you, Alyssa.”
I kissed her, the only woman I’d ever wanted to keep, the words finally out of me and into the room. She kissed me back the same way, her hand sliding to the back of my neck.
And then it wasn’t slow.
Clothes started disappearing and the next thing I knew, I’d lifted her up and laid her on the bed back against the sheets, still kissing her.
“You have no idea how bad I missed you.” I dragged my lips down her neck.
“I missed you bad, too, Julian,” she answered, breathless.
My hands slid under her shirt, fingertips skating over the strip of skin where her blouse had ridden up, and a tremor ran through her.
I took my time kissing every spot of skin I could.
Her face, her neck, her arms, over her breasts, and stopped there just to feel her arch under me while she tangled her fingers behind my head, repeating my name like it was the only word she knew.
I kissed a trail down her stomach to the edge of her panties, hooked my fingers in the lace, and drew them down her thighs, dropping them off the side of the bed.
I sat back against the headboard, propped myself up on pillows, and patted my chest. “Come here, sit.”
She blinked, breathless, caught between hesitation and heat. “Julian, I could suffocate you.”
I chuckled, shaking my head. “You won’t. Come here.”
She still hesitated, so I reached out, grabbed her wrist, and gently pulled her forward until she was straddling me. One hand on her hip, the other sliding down the curve of her ass, I shifted us, flipping her until she was seated on my chest.
Her breath caught. “Ummm—”
“Relax… let me.”
I spread my hands across her ass, lifted her just enough to position her, and then sat her down over my face.
She gasped, one hand flying to the headboard for balance, the other tangling in my hair as I devoured her, slow at first, tasting every part of her I’d missed.
Her thighs trembled against my jaw, her breath coming fast and shaky as I switched pace, licking her, sucking until her hips started moving on their own.
“That’s it. Mmmm,” I groaned against her, tightening my grip, guiding her rhythm. “Ride me.”
Her moans slipped out, unguarded, raw, and I felt every single one in my chest. I flicked my tongue faster, harder, sucking her clit until she was moving against me, grinding, chasing it.
Her free hand slid down to my shoulder for balance as I smacked her ass once, low and firm, making her cry out and rock even harder.
“Oh! God, yes,” she shouted.
“Feel good to you, Gorgeous?” I muttered between breaths, gripping her tighter, refusing to let her pull away.
“Mmhmmm,” she moaned.
I didn’t let up until she shattered against me, thighs clenching around my head, her body trembling and dripping as I sucked and licked her through it, drawing out every last tremor until she collapsed forward, panting, boneless against my chest.
I eased her down carefully, one arm around her back, holding her steady as I kissed the inside of her thigh again, softer this time, pulling her close while her breathing steadied.
She was still trembling when I slid my hands to her hips, guiding her slowly down my chest until her thighs straddled my waist. I was hard as a rock, and the second she brushed against me, I couldn’t hold back the groan that left my throat.
I lined her up and sank her down onto me in one deep, hungry glide.
Her cry tore out, and her nails dug into my shoulders as her head fell back. “Julian!”
“Yesss, Lyss.” I gripped her hips tight, holding her there for a second just to feel her around me, warm and wet and perfect.
I sat us up, chest to chest, her legs locked around me as I drove into her again, slow at first, letting the tension wind tight between us. Her arms wrapped around my neck, her breath hot against my jaw, and the little broken sounds she made nearly undid me.
I couldn’t stop touching her. My mouth found her breasts, sucking, teasing her swollen nipples until she gasped and arched into me. One hand slid up her spine, pressing her closer while the other cupped her breast, rolling it in my palm as I bit gently, soothing the sting with my tongue.
She rocked against me, grinding harder, faster, chasing me stroke for stroke until every sound between us blurred into one rhythm of her moans, my groans, and the collision of our bodies.
“I love you, Julian. I love you,” she breathed against my ear, shuddering when my teeth grazed her neck.
I bit down lightly, sucking her there, knowing it’d leave a mark, and whispered, “I love you more, Gorgeous. Ride me, baby.”
Her nails dug deeper into my back as she moved faster, taking me deeper, her hips rolling with a precision that made my control slip by the second.
I met her thrust for thrust, driving up into her, losing myself in the way she felt, and in the way she looked, flushed, lips parted, eyes glazed over with pleasure.
I trailed my hand down, between us, finding her clit and rubbing circles in sync with her ride.
“Oh my God…” she gasped, her whole body jerking as her movements stuttered.
I groaned, thrusting up and down harder and faster, desperate to see her fall apart. “Give it to me. Let me have it. Come.”
She cried out, clutching my shoulders like she was holding on to the only solid thing left as she shattered around me, pulsing, clenching, milking every last bit of me while I kept stroking her through it.
The second I felt her start to come down, I let myself go, thrusting up, until the orgasm ripped through me, stealing my breath and leaving me completely spent beneath her.
I wrapped her in my arms, burying my face against her neck, tasting the salt on her skin, feeling the small tremors still rolling through her body.
My heart was pounding hard enough that I wondered if she could feel it. It felt like every nerve in me was still lit, stretched tight between what just happened and everything I wanted to say.
I brushed a hand up her back, slow and gentle, sliding my fingers through the damp strands of her hair. She shifted slightly, her cheek pressing to my chest, and I felt her sigh against my skin.
We lay there a while, tangled up in silence, neither of us in any hurry to be anywhere.
“I have to tell you something,” I said into the dark.
“Mm.”
“I started seeing somebody. A therapist. Dr. Matthews. I started a few days after you walked out.”
She went still against me, then lifted her head to look at me. “You did?”
“It hasn’t been easy. I’m not going to lie to you. But I’m going. And I’ve started sleeping through the night again. I can focus. I lost that for a while there — that was the thing that scared me. I’ve always been able to focus.”
“Julian.” Her hand came up flat over my heart. “That’s huge. I’m so glad.”
“He gave me an assignment.” I kept my eyes on the ceiling.
It was easier to say it that way. “Something I’ve been putting off for about eighteen years.
He wants me to go see my mother. At the cemetery.
I haven’t been able to make myself walk up to the stone since the day we put her there.
I get to the edge of the grass and I stop. ”
She didn’t say anything. She just kept her hand where it was and waited, the way she’d learned to wait.
“When we get back to Lennox Falls,” I said, “will you come with me?”
“I’d be honored to go with you Julian.” She settled back down against my chest, and we held each other until morning.