32. Chapter 32
Connor
“Are you stalking me?” she asked, turning toward her car in the parking lot and walking that way without pausing.
“No.” I fell into step with her. “But I’m determined to get you to hear me out. I just want a minute to explain.”
Grace stopped in her tracks and crossed her arms. “Oh yeah? And what are you going to do after you explain? Are we supposed to ride off into the sunset and go for dessert?”
“I just want to talk,” I pleaded. “And if you still hate me, then I’ll leave you alone.” She scrunched her nose while she considered the offer, and when she pursed her lips, mine started to tingle. I missed the feeling of having Grace in my arms and the taste of her breath mixing with mine.
“I don’t want to talk to you.” She shook her head, standing firmly in the middle of the parking lot. “If I talk to you, I might forgive you, and I don’t want to forgive you.”
I watched her face wrinkle and her lips curl with every conflicting emotion that tore through her.
I imagined her stomach was doing the same awkward somersaults, and her throat squeezed tightly around a lump that wouldn’t budge too.
Then, she shook her head, and the small bit of hope I clung to started to drift away. I couldn’t let that happen.
Grace’s body felt right in my arms when I lifted her, and when I threw her over my shoulder, she shrieked angrily.
The sound pierced my ear drum, but I held her firmly to me, even when he started to kick.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Put. Me. Down!” She kicked harder, pounding her fist against my back.
“This is kidnapping! There are witnesses!”
“I’m just taking you home,” I said, ignoring the probable stares around us.
Hopefully, nobody called the cops, but at this point, I didn’t care.
All I cared about was not dropping Grace when her knee met perfectly with my stomach.
I heaved and opened the car door, dropping her into the passenger seat.
Before I got in on the driver’s side, I took another scan of the parking lot.
Surprisingly, nobody was running after me to try and save Grace.
I wasn’t going to stick around and wait for someone to decide they should, though.
I climbed in, ignoring the angry stare from the passenger side when I started the car.
I looked at her, repeating myself when her chest heaved. “I’m just taking you home.”
“Seriously, Connor. Why are you here? Just go away.” Grace tried to slam the door in my face, but I caught it with my foot. I stepped into her place behind her.
“Because I’m worried about you,” I admitted.
When she spun around to look at me, there was contempt behind the glaze in her eyes. “You shouldn’t be. You shouldn’t even think of me.”
“Don’t be like that.” She felt like she was in a different room, but I could still smell her faded perfume—the same perfume I couldn’t smell on my pillows anymore.
Grace shook her head and pursed her lips.
Then, she turned away from me, and I knew there were fresh tears on her cheeks, ones I wanted to wipe away.
“I can’t stand you.” Her words cut like a dagger I watched coming at me in slow motion.
“Don’t lie,” I said, hoping I sounded more confident than the pounding in my chest made me feel. I could feel it in my toes, and, without seeing her face, I wondered if she could feel it too.
“I’m not lying.” She sniffled. People didn’t sniffle to hide the truth.
I gently stepped toward her, closing the distance between us, and, with one hand, I grabbed hold of her left wrist. “I know you still love me,” I said, and her body shivered and half-relaxed.
Then, she tensed again. “I can feel it in the way your heart speeds up when I get closer to you.” I took another step, gripping her wrist and feeling her pulse flutter under my fingertips.
“Maybe I’m scared of you.” Grace pulled her wrist away, spinning and taking a large step back, like she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
“You’re not scared of me.” I followed her further into the house, matching her steps with a slightly larger step of my own.
Grace gulped and cleared her voice. “What makes you so sure?”
“If you were scared of me, you wouldn’t be biting your lip like that.” The blush I had been missing darkened in her cheeks, and my stomach flipped with a familiar longing.
“Stop talking.” She looked away but stayed planted where she was, even when I took another step toward her. Her chest heaved.
“You don’t mean that,” I said with another step. The static warmth from her body radiated toward mine. Maybe it was her anger. Maybe she missed me the way I missed her.
She nodded, blinking rapidly when she snapped out of her temporary stupor. “I do. You should leave.” Grace put her head down and tried to hurry past me, freezing when I grabbed hold of her arm.
“I’m not leaving. Grace, listen to me.” I held her arm firmly while she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
Then, her eyes opened, and it was like something snapped in her.
She yanked her arm away from me, clapping her hand firmly over my mouth.
The smell of her vanilla lotion swarmed my senses.
“No!” she shrieked. “I’m not listening to you.”
“I know you still love me.” My voice was muffled against the palm of her hand, but when her muscles relaxed, I knew she had heard me.
Her hand dropped away from my face, and she sighed, turning away.
“Grace, please. I’ll do whatever it takes.
I don’t want anything in this life if it’s not with you. ”
She shook her head, and when I turned her back toward me, she looked down. I took a deep breath, sinking to my knees in front of her. The hardwood floor would leave bruises. I probably deserved worse. I looked up at her.
“Don’t say that,” she said, shaking her head. A tear fell from her lashes, landing against my cheek.
“I mean it.” I grabbed both of her hands in both of mine, holding them to my chest. “I fucked up. God damn it, Grace, I know I fucked up. But I’ll make up to you. I’ll prove that I’d do anything for you.”
She softened for a second—long enough that I thought she might forgive me. Then, she snapped out of it. “Connor, stop it. Let go of me!” Grace backed away like she might actually fear me for the first time. “This is all your fault! You lied about everything. I don’t trust you.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I stayed on my knees, moving toward her with small, stunted movements that ached into my hips.
“You never should’ve let me fall in love with you.” The tears streaming down her face were falling faster now, collecting on her sweater.
I clasped my hands together. “Can I say something?”
“No! You betrayed me. You promised to protect me, and then you went after my entire family.” She choked on every other word, her frustration mixing with pained sobs that I felt in my core. Each one hurt worse than the one before. “Do you know what kind of person that makes you?”
A sorry one.
A regretful one.
A desperate one.
“I didn’t do it.” I had said it before. She didn’t believe me then either. I didn’t blame her.
“How can you say that?” Her pain-filled voice turned shrill. “I saw you there! Remember?”
I shook my head. Of course I remembered, but she didn’t know the whole story. She still didn’t—and she couldn’t. Not yet. “It’s not like that,” I said, knowing it wouldn’t be remotely enough.
“My brothers were right.” I couldn’t blame her for that. “You’re a monster. I never should’ve trusted you.”
“Are you done?” My knees were starting to hurt too badly to ignore, but I would accept the pain for as long as it took.
Grace folded her arms over her chest. “No.”
“Are you going to let me explain?” I half-crawled closer to her. “All you have to do is listen.”
“Are you going to make me?” The stubborn way she popped her hip felt like a challenge.
“If that’s what I have to do.” I sighed, standing quickly enough for her to gasp. Grace pedaled backward until her back met the wall, and her eyes widened. The proximity of my body held her against the wall, and I could feel her chest heaving.
“You’ve really got some nerve—”
I covered her mouth with my hand the way she had done mine earlier.
A small satisfaction flooded me when her eyes widened with shock before they narrowed in frustrated defeat.
When her body relaxed, I knew she was at least listening.
I took a calm, deep breath, relieved when her chest rose and fell with mine.
“I’ve been under cover with the Cassidy family for almost ten years.
It has always been the intent to reveal the money laundering and drug distribution, but the deeper I got, the worse it was.
I couldn’t tell you who I was. It would’ve put you in danger, and I could never live with myself if something happened to you.
” A tear dropped from her cheek to my hand.
“I know there’s a rat in with the Cassidys who will do anything to cover his ass, including framing your brothers.
I promise you, I did everything I could to stop it. I couldn’t.”
I leaned closer to her. Her dark eyes were suspicious—taking every word with hesitation the rest of her body didn’t hold. “What if I can make this all go away? Like nothing ever happened. Will you forgive me then?”
Grace shook her head.
“What if I do all of that and promise to keep your brothers safe as long as they continue to stay away from this shit” The hopefulness wasn’t subtle. I was practically begging her. If that was what she wanted, I would do it.
“I can’t,” she said, shaking her head again, more softly this time. A loose curl fell in her face.
"Do you miss me, little pearl?” The words were thick on my tongue. Grace shuddered beneath a quiet sob. Then, she nodded. “Tell me you’ll forgive me.”
I moved my hands to the back of her head, weaving them into her hair and holding her. I rested my forehead against hers, inhaling her shaky exhale. “Please, Grace. I’ll give up everything to see your face light up when you look at me again.”
“Connor, I…”
“I love you, Grace. More than anything. The last few weeks have been miserable. I know they’ve been miserable for you too.
I never want to live without you again. I’ll do anything it takes.
” She didn’t move away from me. I settled into the feeling of her skin on mine and her breath against my lips.
Then, she finally looked at me, her stare locked with mine.
“Quit your job.”
I nodded. “I’ll quit tomorrow.”
Her jaw dropped, and her eyes widened. “Are you serious? You’d quit your job for this? For me?”
She didn’t seem to get it. I laughed dryly.
“I’d quit breathing for you. You just have to ask.” When a small smile tugged at her lips, my chest swelled.
She smirked. “Then do it.” I sucked in a deep breath and held it, staring at her while my lungs started to protest. Seconds passed like minutes, and in her stare, it felt like forever. I’d be willing to stop breathing forever for that.
My head felt lighter and my vision got brighter, but I continued to hold my breath. At first, Grace looked annoyed, and then she looked amused as my face probably turned redder. Then, her amusement turned to panic that felt like potential.
“Connor, stop. This is enough.” Grace rolled her eyes, but I didn’t release my breath. The ache in my lungs started to feel like pressure, and I got dizzier. “What do I have to do to get you to breathe?”
There it was. I let out a heavy breath, speaking between quick gulps of air. “Forgive me. Give me a chance.”
“I need to think about it,” she said, no longer amused by the display. I didn’t expect her to forgive me today, even if I’d hoped. I just needed to know she would try. I needed to see the anger in her eyes break. I needed the wrinkles in her face to soften.
“Take your time,” I said, gently kissing her cheek. Her skin was warm where her blush lingered, and I imprinted the feeling to my memory in case it was the last time. I hoped it wouldn’t be. “I’ll prove it to you.”