Chapter 22
Hudson
“I’m here to spring you out of jail,” Dylan Savage said from the open doorway.
I was dressed in sweats my dad had brought me from home, waiting for a nurse to bring a wheelchair and roll me out.
I spent a lot of time in hospitals, but never as a patient.
After one night in this place, I was more than ready to get home.
“Hey, come in.”
Dylan shuffled in, his hands in his pockets. He didn’t look like an ecstatic groom. More like someone who hadn’t slept in a couple of days. His hair was mussed and his eyes had the dark circles of someone who’d definitely tossed and turned.
“Aren’t you supposed to be rehearsing a wedding this morning?”
“We canceled the rehearsal. We’re pretty confident in our ability to figure it out tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry, Dyl.”
“No. Don’t be sorry.” Dylan’s eyes went red, and he pulled me into a gentle hug, mindful of my slinged arm.
Neither of us had been big huggers growing up, but since Shiloh died, we’d all changed in so many ways.
I wrapped my good arm around his back and felt my own eyes sting with tears. “I’m glad you’re okay, man.”
“Me too.” I’d had some time to start processing everything that had happened. How close Amelia and I had come to things not going well. Those thoughts were dark, and I couldn’t travel down that what-if path for long.
Dylan pulled back and swiped his eyes. “Rosie and Amelia are going to meet us up front.”
“This week hasn’t been what you planned, has it?”
“The theme of my entire relationship with Rosie,” Dylan said dryly.
A nurse brought the wheelchair, and Dylan pushed me out front.
I spotted Amelia before she saw me. Her long, dark hair was pulled into a braid that rested over one shoulder.
She didn’t have any make-up on, was wearing a pair of my mom’s old Christmas pajamas, and her foot was wrapped and elevated.
The sight of her completely stole my breath. Dylan’s hand squeezed my shoulder.
A rideshare was there to pick us up and take us to the marina, where we’d take a boat back to Winterhaven.
Rosie ordered me and Amelia to the backseat of the car, then slid in after us, which put Dylan up front with the driver.
Amelia was pressed to my side, but she held herself stiff, like she couldn’t relax.
The air between us was awkward in a way I’d never experienced before.
Not even when we’d been cuddled together in our underwear.
“How’s your arm—”
“Are you allowed to put—”
We both paused, and I motioned for Amelia to continue. From over Amelia’s shoulder, I saw Rosie watching us closely.
“How is your arm feeling?” Amelia asked.
I looked down at it as if I needed to confirm it was still there. “It’s okay. If I don’t move it too much. What about your foot?”
“Same,” she said. “I’m not supposed to put weight on it for a couple of weeks, so I’ll get to rock the crutches.”
Silence.
Rosie sighed in what may have been impatience, but she was smiling, so maybe I was misinterpreting it. “Tonight is our bachelor and bachelorette parties. You’re both still planning on coming, right?”
“I am,” I said, though partying sounded like the last thing I wanted to do. But my best friend only got married once, and I wanted to be there for him. We were having a low-key party with the hockey team—take-out hamburgers and video games back at Dylan’s apartment.
“Yes,” Amelia said, sounding quieter than usual. It was a good thing we had to jump right back into real life. Not that wedding festivities were real life, but they were something to get us out of bed and interacting with our friends and family.
Amelia exhaled like she carried a heavy weight on her shoulders.
I knew I shouldn’t. That it was a bad idea for so many reasons. But I reached out my pinkie and linked it with hers, needing to touch her, to try to comfort her in some small way. I held completely still when she didn’t move at all for a second and then curled her pinkie around mine too.
The bachelor party was exactly the kind of understated fun I needed to get my mind off all the heavy things swirling through it. Dylan and I sat at the kitchen table where we could see into the living room.
“There is no better hamburger in the world,” Dylan declared as he finished his second burger.
“You’re going to be sick tomorrow,” I warned him.
“Nah.” He patted his flat stomach. “This thing is a rock.”
The hockey team and Rosie’s three older brothers were all playing a video game on the four televisions that had been set up around the room like a NASA space center.
The leather couches and bean bag chairs were filling up every spare inch of space.
I’d learned the hockey team was as competitive with video games as they were on the ice.
It was tricky to play with my one arm in the sling, so I’d been watching most of the night.
“Want to get some fresh air?” Dylan asked. His apartment had a balcony outside the second story back door, and we stepped outside and shut the sliding glass door against the sound of the men cheering. The balcony faced the woods, which were shadowed by the setting sun.
“I can’t believe you’re getting married tomorrow,” I said to him.
“It’s wild,” he replied. “But I’m so ready. I can’t imagine my life without Rosie.”
I smiled softly and sat in one of the wooden chairs.
Dylan sat in the other. I’d known Rosie for several years before Dylan met her, and they were so perfect for each other, it was hard for me to believe I’d never tried to set them up.
Dylan refused to come home for a decade, so it would have been impossible to set them up—good thing fate had other ideas.
“I wish Shiloh was here,” Dylan said. “It doesn’t feel the same without him.”
“Me too.” I would give anything to have my brother back. But the thought also niggled the guilt in me. Here I was, pining after my brother’s wife. What kind of person did that make me?
Something in my face must have alerted Dylan to my thoughts, because he leaned forward and rested his arms on his legs as he looked at me carefully. “Why didn’t you tell Shiloh that you liked Amelia? Back when we were in college, and he first asked her out? He would have stepped back.”
I could deny that I’d had a crush on Amelia, but why? Dylan knew. Maybe everyone knew. “They both looked so happy.”
“Yes, but they’d just met. Amelia looked happy to see you, too, whenever we all hung out together.”
I shifted uncomfortably on the chair. This conversation was a long time coming, but I didn’t know if I could explain myself when I didn’t fully understand my own actions.
“You know how Shiloh was: the best guy ever. He made her laugh the first time they met, and I realized that I’d never made her laugh like that.
I know it sounds dumb. But you remember what it was like, Dyl.
Everyone loved Shiloh, and I was always his shadow.
Shiloh Blaire’s brother. Rarely just Hudson. ”
“If given the choice, you figured she’d choose him,” Dylan said.
I nodded. “I don’t regret it. Look how happy they were.
None of us knew how little time Shiloh would have, and I’m so glad he got to have it with Amelia.
” I stared down at my hands, meaning every word.
I loved Amelia with my entire soul. I loved my brother in a different way, but just as much.
It had been clear to me early on that they were meant to be.
“Plus, Quinn. I would make the same decision every day for the rest of my life if it meant Quinn.”
Dylan stared out at the tops of the trees. “But you don’t have to make the same decision for the rest of your life, Hudson.”
And yet, it felt like I did.
“Shiloh was the best of us in so many ways, but he was also a pain in the butt sometimes. His bets went too far. He loved praise to an annoying degree. And once he set his sights on something, he’d forget everything and everyone else in the pursuit of his goal.”
I wanted to close my eyes to the disloyal thoughts, but Dylan continued.
“Remember that time he convinced us to sneak into the vacation rentals on the hill and steal all the remaining food from the houses with that cheap lock you could jimmy open with a credit card? And one of them wasn’t vacated yet? We’re lucky we didn’t get shot.”
I chuckled at the memory. “I tried to convince you guys not to do it.”
“And then ended up joining us instead,” Dylan pointed out.
“Shiloh was persuasive. And I wanted to be just like you guys.”
“I know,” Dylan said. He gave me a half smile. “Shiloh was no saint, and he had his faults, but he loved us. And he’d want us both to be happy.”
I clenched my jaw against the emotion Dylan’s words stirred up in me. “I don’t know if he’d want me to be happy if it meant I was in love with his wife.”
A snort erupted from Dylan, and he shook his head. “Sorry. Not if he was still here, sure. That would be a little weird. But he’s not, Hudson. As much as we both wish he was here, Shiloh is gone. And we have to keep living without him.”
“I feel like I’m still trying to figure out how to do that.” I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. Why did life have to be so hard? So complicated?
“Me too.” He brought his clasped hands up to his face and closed his eyes, as if he were saying a prayer. “But I think you need to figure out what you want and let go of the idea of what Shiloh would want.”
I knew exactly what I wanted. To be a family with Amelia and Quinn. To kiss Amelia every single day and tell her I loved her. To help Quinn fall asleep and not have to leave and go to my house when I was done. The image of what could be was enough to make my heart skip a beat.
“I don’t even know if Amelia’s interested in me like that.” Memories of our kiss in the cabin flashed, but I still couldn’t be absolutely sure I wasn’t imagining at least part of it.
“There’s only one way to find out. I think it’s time you go for what you want this time.”
I threw him a half smile. “Are you calling me out for being a chicken?”
Dylan did a low chicken bock, then shook his head and laughed.
“At the risk of sounding too sappy, Hud, you’re one of the best men I’ve ever met in my life, and I don’t say that lightly.
You care deeply about people, which I know is what makes you a great doctor and a great friend.
You’ll give up your own happiness for someone else’s.
You freaking saved Amelia’s life with a broken collarbone, which is a complete rockstar move. ”
We both chuckled, releasing some of the tension I’d been feeling.
“I didn’t know it was broken at the time,” I said.
“You would’ve done it anyway.” He lifted a brow.
I’d give it to him. I would have done anything to save her.
“Amelia would be lucky to be with you,” he continued. “And if not Amelia, then someone else who is just as amazing and perfect for you. But you’ll never know if you continue to let fear dictate your actions. You deserve happiness too.”
His words shot straight through me, an emotional dart right where I was most vulnerable. I believed I deserved happiness. Right? At least, on a theoretical level, I believed that. But my actions proved otherwise.
“We almost lost you this week,” Dylan said when I remained quiet. “I want you to really, fully live.”
I let his words sink in, let their truth settle in my soul. I wanted that too. I loved Amelia, and maybe it was time to finally tell her.
“I usually do the pep talks,” I joked with an emotional smile.
“You can take over tomorrow,” Dylan assured me, with his returning teary grin. “I’m feeling wise tonight since I’m getting married.”
“Ah. The inherent wisdom of being a groom.”
“One of the perks.”
The sliding door opened, and Gage stuck his head out. “Are either of you going to eat the last burger?”
“It’s all yours,” Dylan said. He stood and followed Gage, but I stayed outside for another minute. Tomorrow, at the reception. I’d pull Amelia aside and tell her how I felt, then I’d accept whatever happened after that. At least I’d know I tried.
A blue jay flitted to land on the balcony railing. It seemed almost unaware of me, but I held my breath as it fluffed its feathers. Finally, it spotted me and cocked its head and then took off into the trees.
Love you, Shiloh.
I went back inside to join the party.