Chapter 22 #3
Jude turned toward the exit, taking my hand. He looked at his brother and said quietly, “Take care, Amos.” Then he walked away. I did the same, following him out of the building.
“What’s up with that guy, is he always like that?” I asked as we got closer to the sliding glass doors.
Once we were outside, he smiled at me and squeezed my hand. “Looks like Amos is taking up for my dad in the excessively aggressive department. Thanks for rescuing me.”
I did not like the sound of that at all. It also freaked me out a little how placid Jude looked. I knew all this shit affected him, so this blank stare thing must be some kind of defense mechanism, which he apparently had perfected to be around his family.
“I’m glad I was here, and if you decide to visit again, I’m coming with you. Every. Time. No one’s going to be putting their hands on you like that again. Period.”
Jude just gave me a tiny smile as we walked to my car in silence. It was midday and the sun was out in full force. I gave him time to digest how he felt about seeing his sister, hoping he wouldn’t shut down again, but once we were in the car he spoke.
“I’m really glad you’re here, too. The visit went okay, but it helped so much to know you were waiting for me downstairs.
” His eyes were trained ahead, and he sounded eerily calm.
“Things were a bit tense at first and Mary wanted to rehash things. Thankfully she realized it wasn’t the best thing to do and pulled out a book.
” He smiled at that. “I read to her for a bit.”
“That’s good, babe.” I knew he wouldn’t say much unless I pushed him a little. Jude was a master at keeping it all surface when it came to the hard stuff.
I reached out to run my hand over his hair. I just really needed to touch him.
“How did it feel to see her again?”
He sighed and turned his face to the window, his hand squeezing mine hard. “It was weird, to be honest. The last time I’d talked to her was about a week after I came out to them, when she told me not to contact the family.”
I almost regretted not popping that fucker Amos on the mouth.
His face looked so bleak and sad. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and protect him from the world, take this hurt from him. “Even after that conversation I still thought once there was some distance between us, we would find a way to fix things, but we never did. Everything was too broken by then.”
He squeezed his eyes closed again, his face pained, like he was trying to vanish something from his mind.
It took him a minute to speak again. “My dad had a heart attack about a month after Mary came to see me.” The look of despair on his face was almost unbearable.
“It was a minor one, but he never really bounced back, he’d had cardiac issues for years and never really took care of himself.
He died a year after I left. I wasn’t invited to the funeral. ”
“Oh baby.” Fuck.
“It’s okay.”
It really wasn’t fucking okay, but I just let him keep talking.
“You can imagine what my family said was the reason.” He shrugged again looking down at the seat. “Not that I begrudge them. It was my fault.”
“Jude, it wasn’t your fault.”
“Rationally, I know he already had problems with his heart, and it was only a matter of time, but I can’t deny reality. I came out and just weeks later he had a heart attack. The last time I saw him, he looked at me like I was the biggest disappointment of his life.”
He laughed then and it sounded so hollow.
“The thing is, I worked through all of this. I really have learned to accept that none of it was really about me. My family failed me, because they refused to put aside their prejudices and love me the way I am. But seeing Mary brought a lot of those feelings back, that’s all.
I’m still glad I came; it would’ve been a lot harder to hear about it after it was too late. I want to come back and see her again.”
After a second he put his hand behind my head and leaned in for a kiss. I touched my lips to his and his mouth tasted salty from his tears. “Thank you for letting me be here for you.”
He just nodded and sat back, looking out the window, his fingers still around mine.
Jude fell asleep almost immediately after we started driving, probably exhausted from the visit and not getting enough sleep the night before.
As we drove, I thought of what he’d done today.
How he’d walked into the room of someone who had turned her back on him, scorned him, and done it because she’d asked him to, because she needed him.
There was such strength in that, in his forgiveness and grace. I thought of what it would be like to lose everyone I loved overnight.
Would I be able put aside my pride and be there for those who’d hurt me in their time of need? I wasn’t sure I could.
I tended to walk away from people who disappointed or hurt me. But as I looked at Jude’s sleeping figure, I felt humbled by the kind of man he was and that’s when I knew. I was so full of love for this man.
I loved Jude.
I had never been more certain of anything in my life.