Chapter 39
NATALIE
Iwas on Cloud Nine. This was real happiness.
I loved that he was talking about the future.
Was he actually serious? It was nice to think about growing old with him.
The two of us raising a family together was pretty exciting as well.
I was thinking two boys and a girl. The girl would be right in the middle, just like Hudson’s family.
Our little girl would be totally protected by her brothers.
He finished cleaning up the kitchen, insisting on doing it by himself.
I sat on the couch, drinking wine and daydreaming.
Things were still fresh and exciting between us, but I loved nights like this when we could just unwind and hang out.
There was no pressure to try and impress each other. We could drink wine and watch TV.
“I’m going to change,” I said.
“Do you want me to refill your wine?” he asked.
I wrinkled my nose. I didn’t want to get wasted. I did a little mental self-check and decided another glass was not going to do me in. “Please,” I replied.
I went into the bedroom, taking a moment to admire the bed he had bought.
There was a black comforter with two black pillows.
We were going to lighten the place up with some brighter pillows, I decided.
I put on the pajamas I had brought to his house last week but ended up not wearing because I went home to my own bed.
I quickly changed and washed my face. That was something else I liked. I could be stripped down with no makeup and not care he wasn’t going to find me attractive. He’d proven several times he could give a shit about my makeup.
He was sitting on the couch with the remote in his hand when I returned to the living room. “I feel better,” I said and sat down next to him.
“Good.” He wrapped an arm around me and tucked me close.
He flipped through the channels for a bit while we simply enjoyed one another’s company. It wasn’t long before we were both ready for bed. We climbed into his new bed and met in the middle.
“How do you like your bed?” I asked him with a yawn.
“It’s good,” he said. “It’s strange to have such a big bed. I’m so used to a twin or a cot.”
“Then this must feel like heaven,” I teased. “Even my bed is a basic queen. You have plenty of room to stretch out those long legs.”
“And do other things,” he teased.
I climbed over him and kissed him. He felt different. His body was more relaxed as I kissed over his chest. I hoped this was a good sign. I wanted him to feel relaxed and settled. Unfortunately, it seemed like he was a little too relaxed.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m awake.”
I smiled and dropped another kiss on his lips before sliding off him. “Get some sleep,” I whispered. “I’ll be right here after you’ve had your little power nap.”
He patted my arm but said nothing. I liked that he was exhausted. It meant he felt tired and safe enough to fall asleep. I fell asleep with a smile on my face and my arm across his chest. His large hand rested against my upper back, making me feel safe and comfortable.
I woke to a moan followed by mumbling. My face was still resting on Hudson’s chest. The first thing I felt was the heat. His skin was hot and sweaty. He moved again, his hand clenching against my skin.
“Hudson?” I whispered.
His response was another incoherent mumble.
His head rolled back and forth. It was clear he was having another nightmare.
I had been reading up on PTSD and nightmares.
Part of the reason Hudson had welcomed me back into his bed was because I promised him I was prepared to handle his nightmares.
I promised I was ready. His fingers dug into my arms again as he clenched and kicked his feet.
To avoid getting accidentally hurt, I slowly and carefully extracted myself from under his arm.
Just to be safe, I climbed off the bed and rounded it to stand next to his side.
I hated seeing him like this. I turned on the bedside lamp with a low bulb.
It was just enough to cast shadows around the room.
Too bright and it would startle him when he woke up.
“Hudson,” I said again firmly but not loud.
I didn’t touch him. That was something I read on the many blogs I read.
The goal was to wake him slowly and as gently as possible.
The accidents that involved spouses and others getting hurt tended to happen when the person was startled awake.
In their minds, they were still in the nightmare fighting for their lives against an unseen enemy.
Our brains did not jolt awake and start firing on all cylinders in a nanosecond. I had to keep a safe distance.
“Hudson, you’re home. You’re safe. You’re in bed. I’m right here with you. You’re having a nightmare. You’re safe. I need you to wake up.”
There was more kicking. His arm swung out.
I stared down at his face twisted in pain.
I had no idea what he was living through in his head.
It hurt to see him suffering. I hated to see him struggling.
The last week had been so calm. As far as I knew, he had not had any nightmares.
It felt like he had turned a corner. Now, I wondered if he was still having the nightmares and was just not telling me.
“Hudson.” I said his name again.
I had read some people just waited for the person to wake up on their own. I honestly didn’t think there was any one cure that fit all. Everyone was different. I was different. I didn’t want to watch and wait for him to live through whatever was happening in his dream.
“Hudson, it’s me. It’s Natalie. It’s your little sprite. I’m right here. Open your eyes and you’ll see me. I’m right here, baby. I’m right here waiting for you.”
It hurt to see him like this. In life, he was so strong and always seemed so put together.
“Hudson,” I said, sighing. I relaxed my guard and moved back to my side of the bed.
I sat on the edge and rubbed my face. I wasn’t sure what to do for him.
I couldn’t give up. I got up and turned to face him again.
I reached out and touched his hand. “Hud?—”
The man shot up, grabbed my wrist, twisted my arm, and came across the bed.
“Hudson!” I shouted. “Hudson! It’s me! It’s Natalie!”
He was off the bed and pushing me backward with my arm still painfully twisted.
I was so stunned by the instant reaction, I didn’t know how to respond.
He was looking at me, but it was clear he wasn’t seeing me.
His fingertips dug into my wrist. My shoulder felt like it was going to pop out of its socket.
“Hudson!” Out of sheer instinct and self-preservation, I slapped him across the face with my left hand. Fear made me do it. I had never been so scared in my life.
The slap seemed to jolt him awake, but he was still disorientated and holding my arm.
“Hudson, let go of me!”
I saw the moment he truly saw me. His shocked expression was followed by him dropping my arm. It was such a relief, I nearly collapsed to the floor.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” he shouted over and over. “Are you hurt? Did I hurt you? Are you okay?”
He reached out and I flinched, cowering away from him. I didn’t mean to. It just happened. It was hard not to be afraid of him after what just happened. My shoulder was throbbing, and my wrist burned. “I’m fine,” I told him.
“The fuck you are,” he growled. “Shit. What happened? How did I hurt you?”
“I’m fine.”
My heart was pounding in my chest. I didn’t want to be afraid of him, but it was hard not to.
I took a few steps back until the wall was at my back.
The need to hold my wrist was strong, but I didn’t dare draw attention to it.
In many ways, I felt like I was pinned down.
I didn’t dare make any sudden moves. He looked awake, he sounded awake, but I wasn’t going to lie and say I felt safe.
“Fuck, Nat,” he groaned.
He flopped down on the bed and buried his face in his hands. The urge to go to him was strong. I wanted to comfort him. But I didn’t move.
I didn’t think he would want me touching him just then.
And honestly, I wasn’t sure he was fully awake and present in the moment.
If he grabbed me again, I wasn’t sure what I would do.
What if he truly hurt me? What if I wasn’t able to stop him?
The man was large and a trained combat fighter.
I didn’t stand a chance against him. If I lost him to a blind rage, it would be over.
It wasn’t just me I feared for. It was him. If he seriously hurt me or killed me, it would destroy him. It would destroy Hux and Teresa.
“I’m okay,” I said again. I wasn’t sure if I was saying it for myself or for him. “I’m fine. I’m okay.”
He lifted his head to look me in the eyes. “The hell you are.”
“I’m going to get a drink of water,” I said.
I practically fled the room. It wasn’t my intention to run and make him feel like I was afraid. Some things just couldn’t be controlled. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass with shaking hands. My wrist was a little sore.
I gulped down some water with my mind spinning. I was safe. It was over. We would climb back into bed and go to sleep.
I grabbed another glass of water and returned to the bedroom. “Here, drink some water,” I said softly.
His head was hanging low. He wouldn’t look at me. I didn’t want him to feel like this was his fault. This was a product of his service to the country he loved. It wasn’t fair he had to carry this burden after giving so much.
I wished there was a way for me to wave a magic wand and make it all go away.
Unfortunately, life wasn’t easy. The only way to put this behind us was to go through it.
It was going to be ugly and difficult, but I was sure he was strong enough to come out on the other side.
I was committed to helping him through it.
We would have to take some steps to prevent this from happening.
My goal was not to rush him. If he needed to sit in silence for an hour, that was okay. I would do it. I quietly put down the glass of water.
“Hudson, do you want to talk?” I asked gently.