Chapter 44
HUDSON
It was hard not to notice Huxley’s sullen attitude. He had been fine this morning, but now he was acting like someone kicked his puppy.
“Hux,” I called. He glared at me. That was unexpected. “Hey, meet me in your office.”
I wasn’t sure if he was actually going to do it. He showed up a few minutes later and kicked his door shut.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
“She’s gone,” he said.
“Who’s gone?” I asked.
“Natalie,” he said, sighing.
“She went home?” I questioned.
I had been doing my very best to give her space. I was trying to be invisible. I didn’t want to disrupt her day. I had done enough damage. I was like a tornado that whipped into her life and stirred shit up. It was time for me to go away quietly.
“She’s leaving town,” he replied.
“When? Where? How long?”
“Now,” he said. “She’s leaving now. I don’t know how long she’s going to be gone.”
“Because of me?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said, sighing. “This isn’t on you. I’m not saying that.”
“The fuck it isn’t on me,” I growled. “You and I both know that’s what this is about. I need to go talk to her. I’m not going to run her out of town.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he said.
“You’re the one who told me to talk to her,” I said. “Now, I shouldn’t?”
“She said she wanted some time alone,” he said. “I think at this point, it’s probably best to let her go.”
“I’m not going to let her walk away from you and the business the two of you built,” I said. “I’ll go. I didn’t come back to destroy her life and ruin your business.”
“It’s not you,” he said.
It was clear he was lying. It was me. It was what happened the other night. She was running away from me.
“I’m going to talk to her,” I told him. “I’ll fix this.”
“I don’t think you can,” he said as I walked out.
I left and drove straight to her house. When she answered the door, the expression on her face said it all. She was not happy to see me.
“Yes?” she asked.
“Are you leaving?”
“I am,” she answered.
She left the door and walked to her room. I followed behind her. There was a suitcase open on her bed with a few things neatly packed inside. She was actually leaving.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to Montana to stay with my aunt for a while,” she answered.
“Because of me.”
“Because of me,” she said.
“Bullshit. I’ll leave. You belong here. This is your life. Your town. Your business.”
“No,” she said and finally looked at me. “I’m looking for something different. You and Hux can run the business. Hux has my blueprints. He doesn’t need me.”
“Is this because you’re afraid of me?” I asked the question that I prayed she would deny.
“No, Hudson. I’m not afraid of you. You’re the one that’s afraid. I’m fine. I’m not afraid of anything. This is what I want to do.”
“Please, don’t go,” I pleaded. “My brother needs you. I don’t want you to go.
I’m working on my business. I will work from my apartment.
I will keep my distance. You won’t have to see me.
Please don’t let me be the reason you walk away from your life.
I already feel bad enough. I can’t add this to the long list of things I’ve done to you. ”
“You didn’t do anything to me,” she said.
“Tell me what I can do to make this right,” I said. “I’ll stay out of your way. Just stay, please.”
“I’m not staying,” she said. “I’ve got a flight leaving in three hours.”
“Why are you going to Montana?”
“My aunt is always telling me how great it is out there. She has a big house on some land. My mom and I are going out there.”
“For how long?” I asked.
“I’m not sure,” she said, shrugging.
“That sounds like you’re considering staying out there,” I pointed out.
“I’m not putting a return time on the trip. It’s a one-way ticket. I might stay for a few weeks or a few months. I don’t know. I’m going to play it by ear.”
“Is this a planned trip or is this something you’re doing because of what happened?”
“Like I said, she’s been asking me to visit for a while,” she answered.
Her back was to me as she continued her packing.
“I think now is the right time because now is when I need some time to put myself back together. I thought we had something different. I understand we don’t.
That’s okay. I get it, but I need some time to process and move on. ”
“Nat, I’m sorry. I never meant to disrupt your life. This is why I wanted to keep my distance. I’m not ready to be back in polite society. I’m definitely not ready for a relationship. I hate that I destroyed something good. You’re too good for me. I ruined it.”
“You didn’t ruin anything,” she said. “We gave it a go. It didn’t work. I’m not blaming you for it. You made it clear you didn’t want this. I pushed it. That’s on me.”
“No, you wanted to try and help me,” I said. “I’m so grateful for that. I’m sorry I can’t be the man you need. I wish I could be. We have a friendship that goes way back. I don’t want to lose that.”
“I don’t have anything negative to say about you,” she said, shrugging.
“Our friendship is intact. I just don’t want to be here in this very small town where I will run into you every day.
I need time to heal and I can’t do that if I see you every day.
I’m removing myself from this situation.
You’ll heal. I’ll heal. You’ll keep seeing your counselor and hopefully you will get some relief from these nightmares.
I only want the best for you. I just can’t be here to watch you get the best.”
“I’ll go,” I said again. “You don’t have to leave your home. This is your home. You’ve been here longer than I have. I can go anywhere. I’m not all that tied to this place anyway. You stay, I’ll go.”
“You can do whatever you want, but I’m still leaving,” she said. “Like I said, I have tickets. I have plans. My aunt is expecting us.”
“Dammit, Natalie,” I groaned. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I don’t have to do anything,” she replied. “That’s the beauty of this. I want to go. I’m so ready to leave this place. I’m going to Montana and I’m not going to sit around here and have this thrown in my face.”
“Which is why I’ll go,” I insisted.
“Like I said, you do whatever floats your boat,” I said. “I need to finish packing. Goodbye, Hudson.”
I didn’t move from where I stood. I couldn’t. “Just stop and think about this.”
“I have,” she replied. “Honestly, I’ve been thinking about this since you tossed me out of your apartment at dawn.”
I flinched at the venom in her words. “I’m so sorry about that. I wish you would have dressed. I had to get you out of the apartment. I didn’t trust myself.”
“Whatever,” she said. “I doubt you went back to bed.”
“I didn’t.”
“Exactly,” she said. “Neither did I. It doesn’t matter. We don’t have to rehash it. It’s over.”
She walked by me. When I followed her, she opened the front door and all but shooed me out of it. “I’m sorry,” I said again.
“I know.”
She closed the door on me. I stood staring at it, wondering what to do next.
What was I going to do without her in my life?
This was my fault. I knew that. I had pushed her out of my life because I thought it would be better for her.
Now, she was doing what I wanted, and I was convinced I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. There was a hollowness in me.
I trudged back to my car and debated what to do next. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go back to the shop. When I first showed up in Camden, I had felt lost. I was moving without an anchor. The last few weeks had been good. I had felt like I was making progress.
Once again, I was adrift with no direction.
That was when I knew what I had to do. It was late afternoon but long after tourist season.
Most people didn’t like going to the beach when it was cool out.
I did. I loved the cold. I drove to a spot I had found not too long after I moved back.
I left my phone in the car and headed into the bushes that blocked a sweet little cove.
It was shielded from view from the road.
I was sure people that lived in the area knew about it, but they weren’t there now.
I stripped down to my briefs, and without hesitation, I walked into the water up to my waist. I didn’t bother waiting for my body to get accustomed to the cold water.
I dove in. That was always the best method for me.
The water washed over me with every long stroke that took me deeper.
I kept going. I wasn’t worried I wouldn’t be able to make it back.
I finally stopped and turned back to look at the shore. “Shit.”
I was out far. Really far. My arms and legs were tingling with the exercise.
I was breathing hard and it felt amazing.
It was exactly what I needed. I thought about going out a little farther but changed my mind.
I headed back toward the shore, stopping on occasion to float on my back and rest my arms. I made it back to land, dragging my soaked, sorry ass onto the shore and collapsing.
I lay with my arms up, staring straight up at the sky. I didn’t feel the cold. I felt nothing.
I couldn’t get the feeling I had just cost myself the best thing to ever happen to me.
Natalie would have been the kind of woman to stick by me through it all.
She had grounded me, and things were getting better with the nightmares.
I hated that one snuck in. I wished there was some way to control the damn things.
Some way to shut them off or block them.
I could live with the nightmares, but I couldn’t live with them if they put her in danger.
Her leaving sucked, but maybe she was right.
Maybe it was best if she did go. She’d get out of town for a while and get over me.
Jealousy tore through me at the thought of another man between her legs.
The idea of her flashing one of those beautiful smiles at another man.
I had my chance. I blew it. I had no one to blame but myself.
I snatched up my clothes, pulling on my pants and pushing my feet into my shoes before walking back to my car. I went home and continued to sulk about all that I had lost.