Chapter 35
MITCHELL
Ilooked around the deck. I had been rushed through one interview after another.
I shook hands, posed for pictures, and did the usual preshow media.
I had not seen Sam since first thing this morning and that was from a distance.
I was hoping to get a chance to talk to her before the show.
I couldn’t say if she was avoiding me or if she was busy.
We were both busy. I would track her down after the show.
I climbed into the cockpit and that was when I finally saw her.
She was wearing sunglasses and a hat. I stared at the woman carrying my child.
It had taken me a full day to really grasp the idea my child was growing inside her.
It was a strange feeling. In a way it made me want to strut and crow.
I made a baby. I wanted to roar and beat my chest.
But I couldn’t do that just yet. We started the show, and for one of the first times since I started with the Angels, I followed all the rules.
I didn’t push for anything. I had no desire to push the limits.
When we landed, the crowd was just as thrilled.
Maybe everyone had been right. The stunts we did were good enough to impress the audience.
We didn’t have to pull maneuvers that the average person would have no idea just how extreme they were.
After another round of waving and photographs, we were released before debrief. I spotted Sam and before she could get away, I rushed toward her. “Hey,” I said.
“Hi.”
“I’ve got to go into my debrief, but I would like to talk,” I said. “Are you going to be around in an hour?”
“I’m going back to the hotel,” she said.
“I’ll come by,” I said.
“Okay,” she said nervously.
“Dice! Let’s go!” Watch Dog was waving me over.
“I’ve got to go,” I said. “I’ll see you soon.”
Through the whole debrief, I thought about what I would say to her. I had come to some kind of realization at some point in the last twelve hours. My choice was clear. Now, I had to make sure I hadn’t completely ruined everything between us.
I rushed out of the debrief and straight to the hotel. I knocked on her door without bothering to change first. I was anxious to tell her what I wanted. What I needed. She was wearing a pair of sweats and a loose shirt when she opened the door.
“Do you want to come in or will this be a quick conversation?” she asked.
“I’d like to come in, please.”
We sat out on the balcony that overlooked the pool below. “You may as well just say it,” she said.
“You scared the hell out of me,” I blurted out.
“What?”
“You know me. You see the life I live. I’ve never imagined myself being a father. You took me by surprise.”
She smirked. “It wasn’t like I planned this. It happened and shocked the hell out of me too.”
“I know you didn’t plan it,” I quickly added. “This wasn’t intentional. It was the result of two people feeling some pretty intense lust with just enough alcohol to get rid of those pesky ideas about birth control.”
“I swear to you, I would have never done what we did if I thought I would get pregnant,” she said. “My doctor had always told me that when I was ready to get pregnant, I would need to be off the shot for a few months, maybe even a year. I was off for a month at most.”
“I guess I’m just a fertile guy,” I teased.
She groaned and looked out at the pool. “I knew you would see this as evidence of your masculinity.”
“I thought about dancing around and beating my chest.” I laughed.
“That wasn’t exactly my reaction. My face was hanging in a gross public toilet.”
“I’m sorry about that,” I said. “Is the morning sickness bad?”
“No. I’m learning how to manage it and keep it at bay.”
“That explains the flu and why you’re always munching on crackers,” I said with a nod.
“Yes. I’ve tried to keep it to myself, but sometimes I get around that jet fuel and I can’t stop the nausea.”
“Is it safe for the baby?” I asked with concern. “To be inhaling jet fuel.”
“I’m doing my best to stay away from the refueling and when the engines are going,” she answered.
“Good.”
“Mitch, you wanted to talk. I appreciate the small talk, but I’m a nervous wreck. I need to know what you want.”
“I want you,” I said. “I want our baby. I want a future with you and the baby. I want it all.”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes. “You do?”
I nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry it took me some time to figure it out.
I was thrown for a loop. I wasn’t kidding when I said you scared the hell out of me.
I don’t know shit about taking care of anyone except myself.
I was worried I would pass along some pretty horrible genes.
What if I don’t do it right? What if I totally fuck up a kid and push him into society? ”
She laughed and wiped tears from her eyes. “Our kid is screwed because I had those same thoughts.”
“How could you ever think you’d screw up a kid?” I asked. “You’re going to be an amazing mom. You set rules and boundaries. You know how to discipline. You know how to love.”
“You don’t think you know how to love?” she asked.
“I’m sure it will come to me, but I’ve been on my own for a long time.
I don’t have relationships. Truly, the Blue Angels are my family.
Medusa and Watch Dog are the closest thing I have to a family.
Honcho is kind of like a dad or a big brother.
I don’t know the first thing about caring for someone.
I know I care about you, but I also think I’ve been doing it wrong. ”
“You’re not doing anything wrong,” she said. “We’re both stumbling through this thing.”
“We’ll figure it out together,” I said. “I’m a fast learner. I want to be with you if you’ll have me.”
She was crying again. “I do want you. I just wasn’t sure you would have me.
I turned into a shrew the moment I found out I was pregnant.
I read my pregnancy hormones were supposed to make me a little crazy about protecting the baby.
I didn’t know they would extend to you. When I saw you up there doing those moves, all I could think about was losing you.
I thought about your child growing up without ever knowing his or her father.
I didn’t want to lose you. I wasn’t sure if I would get to have you, but I didn’t want you gone from this earth. ”
“I’m here,” I said and took her hand. “I get it now. I’ve been flying and going through life like it didn’t matter if I was here tomorrow.
While I was mulling over this whole baby thing, it was like I stepped through a door I had never been through before.
I saw me as a middle-aged man going to my kid’s high school graduation.
I’ve never been able to picture myself old.
I just really never thought I would make it that far. ”
“You live life a little different from the rest,” she said.
“I’m going to change,” I said. “I want to be here for my baby. I’m not going to put myself in immediate danger. I won’t stop flying, but I get it. You want me here. I want to be here.”
“I don’t want you to give up anything, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t scare the hell out of me,” she said. “I love watching you fly. I want you to be happy.”
“I’ll be happy if I have you,” I told her. “I want to make this work with you. I know you want to follow the rules, but don’t you think that ship has sailed?”
She nodded. “Yes. I figure I’ll finish the season and look for a job that keeps me in one place.”
“I have another year with the Blue Angels. Are you okay with that?” I asked.
“Absolutely. Mitch, I don’t want you to stop living. I just want you to remember you have something to live for.”
“I get it,” I said. “I do need to tell my CO. We can wait until after the season is over if that makes you feel better.”
“I’m good with either way,” she said. “If we’re doing this thing together and you’re a part of the team next season, he’s going to know anyway.”
“They are all like my family,” I told her. “This is good news and I would like to share it with them if you’re okay with that.”
She shrugged and touched her belly. “It would be nice not to hide it. It feels like a dirty little secret. I don’t want it to be that.”
“It’s not a dirty little secret,” I assured her. “I can tell Honcho or we can tell him together. If he wants to take action against me for breaking the rules, that’s fine. I’d rather be honest and straightforward than to try and hide this. Hiding it implies I’m embarrassed or ashamed. I’m neither.”
“He might kick me off the job,” she said.
“He might,” I said.
“But I agree, I think we should confess. If he wants me off the team, it’s understandable. He did make it very clear what he wanted. I’ll take my licks.”
“I can support you,” I told her. “If he does fire you, I’ll make sure you have everything you need.”
She smiled and patted my cheek. “I’m okay. I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m not cheap. I get paid very well for what I do. I can afford to lose the job. I’m pretty hot stuff in my field. I’ll get a job tomorrow.”
I had to laugh at her cockiness. “Our kid doesn’t stand a chance.”
“What do you mean?”
“Between your ego and mine, this kid’s going to come out kicking ass and taking names.” I laughed.
“That was a little arrogant,” she said. “But true. I don’t want to be a burden to you. Not in any way. I’m very capable.”
“I have no doubt you are, but I want to try and take care of you the best I can,” I said. “Please say you’ll let me try.”
“I would love to have you try,” she said. “When should we tell Honcho?”
“Doing anything right now?” I said.
“No, I don’t guess I am,” she replied. “And the rest of the team?”
“Medusa already knows. I’d like to tell Watch Dog.”
She leaned over and kissed me. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”
I reached up and ran my hand through her hair. “We’re doing it all right. I’m not going to say it’s going to be perfect, but I’m going to do my best.”
“That’s all I could ask for. I have to admit, I was hoping you would say you wanted to be in our lives.
I know I told you I would be okay without you, but I didn’t want it like that.
I’ve been having these wild dreams the last few nights.
I dream of us happy and together. I fantasize about this beautiful family we have together. ”
“I’d like to make that a reality,” I said. “At least as much as I can. We have a lot to figure out, but I think we can start with the right now. We’ll figure out the job situation and then go from there.”
She squeezed my hand. “You’re serious, right? Please don’t lead me on. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear if you’re not really feeling it.”
“Baby, I’m feeling it. I’m feeling all kinds of things. I’m going to go take a quick shower and change. I’ll text and see if we can meet with Honcho. I want to get this done. I want it all out in the open. We’re taking the first steps toward the relationship we both said we wanted.”
“Okay,” she said. “Okay. I’ll get dressed. I was preparing for a night with a box of Kleenex and ice cream.”
I kissed her again. “Not a chance. In fact, I’m thinking we’ll have a very different night. We still have some unfinished business.”
She laughed as I pulled her to her feet. “I should have known you weren’t going to forget that.”
“Not a chance in hell.”