Chapter 9 #2
It felt weird bringing Easton into this—his job was already featuring in more than one unhealthy way in our relationship—but he also had offered and he would know what he could and could not do.
I could let him know Ari was interested and let him decide what was the next step.
Not that I even knew if he was still talking to me after I’d fucked him and then acted like an asshole.
My face felt hot, remembering how mortified Easton had looked walking out of my house, but if I had to grovel to get him to help Ari, I would.
Although that was bullshit, too. I could not say much for sure, but I knew Easton would not go back on an offer to help Ari because he and I had a falling out.
Between the two of us, the only fickle one was me.
“I just don’t want you to feel like I’m telling your stuff to people.” I really meant that, too.
Ari shrugged lightly but I could tell he was thinking hard on what I’d said.
“Easton is a good guy, and if he wants to help me, I won’t say no.
After that time at the detention facility, I learned that if there were people wanting to help me out, that I would never let my pride get in the way.
I can’t deal with any of this on my own.
” He lifted a hand in a gesture that seemed to say “What can you do?”
“If I could, I would’ve been out of my uncle’s house a long time ago. If Easton can help out, then I’m glad for it.”
Ari’s matter-of-fact tone made him sound much older than his twenty-one years.
I thought that even though our stories were similar, in some fundamental ways, we were very different.
Ari had made his passage to the States alone and had faced trials I never had to.
He took the help that was offered to him gladly, learned to trust even when he had very little reason to do so.
Which brought me back to Easton and how I kept pushing him away.
Ari’s soft laugh got my attention back to our conversation; he looked amused at whatever he saw on my face. “You look like I did all of last year when Yin was trying to convince me we should date and I kept telling myself it would never work. Are you and Easton having troubles?”
That brought me up short quick, “Easton and I aren’t dating.”
Another laugh and this one has a definite “bitch, please” ring to it.
“The way you look at each other certainly seems like you could be. Yin would be very unimpressed by you blowing a chance to date Easton.”
I laughed at that, remembering Yin’s very vocal opinions on Easton’s hotness. I could barely believe that I was so messed up about Easton that I was coming to my own mentee for dating advice, and yet here I was poised to spill my guts again.
“It feels too complicated with Easton’s job. I mean look at what happened with you yesterday. I can’t be with someone who is so connected to the system that allows these things to go unchecked.”
Ari ran a hand over his face as he considered what I’d said. After a long moment, he looked at me and asked, “Is Easton okay with the stops?”
The intense “no” that bubbled up in my chest surprised me. “No. He’s not okay with it.”
Ari sighed and I could tell he was trying to figure out how to say what he was thinking.
He was always cautious with his words. In part because he was still self-conscious about his English, but also because Ari was not a careless person.
I wondered if he’d always been like this or if the things he’d been through had changed him.
“One of the best things about being with Yin,” I’d been so in my head that his voice startled me, and it took me a moment to digest what he’d said, “is that he’s taught me that I need to imagine a future that is just for me.
My parents sacrificed so much to send me here; I still can’t believe they were able to, honestly.
All that time I had to sit in that detention center not knowing if I would be able to stay, or if I’d have to go back.
” He shook his head as if still hardly believing he’d managed to get out of there.
“All I could think was ‘I need to make all this worth it. If I ever get out of here, I will work until I can bring them over, until I can show them I was worth it.’”
I was trying to figure out what words to use to convince Ari that, of course, it had been worth it, when he continued, this time sounding too wise for his years.
“Being with Yin, I realize, that aiming for my own happiness made it worth it. We need to have some dreams that are just for us.” He laughed, with his hands up.
“I know it is not easy what I am suggesting you do, but don’t cheat yourself out of the happy future you’re fighting for. ”
I felt utterly unprepared to really dig into most of what Ari had said, so I went with something to lighten the mood of the conversation. “I don’t think you’re getting much out of this mentoring deal. All you do is give me advice.” Ari grinned knowingly at my attempt to change the subject.
When he finally spoke, he dropped another truth bomb right on top of the others he’d detonated in the last few minutes.
“You were never on the hook for all of it, Patrice.” He waved his hand in the empty space between us.
“We’re both supposed to be getting something out of this.
You learn from me and I learn from you. Reciprocal, that’s how all relationships should be.
You’re too hard on yourself. I like to hang out with you because you want me to do well and you take my dreams seriously, even if they may not make total sense to you.
That’s all I need.” After that, he stretched and looked over at the kitchen.
“I’ll go make us some tea, and I’ll give you the details about my case so you can tell Easton.” I just nodded woodenly at him while his words were wreaking havoc in my head.
I thought of my mom, and how I had always felt like a burden to her even though she never once made me feel that way.
How my father’s absolute disinterest puzzled and humiliated me.
How I never felt like I quite gave as much to my friends as they did to me.
Then thought of the joy I felt seeing Easton light up with my touch.
The ways that the heat in his eyes when he told me how much he wanted me felt like it would burn me.
I wondered what it would be like to let down my walls and just own that despite all the reasons why it was complicated to want Easton, I still did.
I’d never know until I did and there was no denying that I desperately wanted to try.