Chapter 11 #2
He came back with all the stuff we needed and a glass of wine for me.
After a moment, we both sat down, holding our bowls, alternating between bites and slurps.
The soup was flavorful and fragrant, and delicious, and as soon as I tasted it, I remembered I hadn’t eaten since my post-workout breakfast early this morning.
We both ate in silence for a couple of minutes before Easton spoke.
“Thank you for this. All I’ve eaten all day were a few canapés, and until now had not realized I was starving. ”
I angled my head, confused. “I thought you were eating with your mentee.”
He frowned at that and went in for another mouthful of noodles. He shook his head as he chewed. “I had to cancel. It was my grandpa’s birthday today and my mother had a luncheon thing, so I went there this afternoon.”
From the way he spoke about his parents, I knew Easton wasn’t exactly close to them, but he did seem to see a lot of his family. There always seemed to be an event he had to make an appearance at.
“How was the party?”
He lifted a shoulder with a resigned expression on his face.
“My mother’s parties are always flawless and a little boring.
” He gave me a lopsided smile, but it wasn’t totally unhappy.
“My dad’s an ass and not really interested in any of us, but my mom tries to at least get the family together.
It was good to see my grandpa and my sister, too.
” I realized it was maybe the most he’d said about himself or his family that didn’t include some self-deprecating comment and I wondered if part of all that was about me.
“You almost never talk about your family. Is it because you think that I’m not interested?”
He widened his eyes like he was thinking about it for the first time.
“Honestly? My family in some ways feel parallel to my life. I’m in town working this job and that is sort of foreign to them, even to my grandpa, who’s so supportive.
It’s almost like my real life is one thing and I dip into this other world I belong to, too.
” He looked closely at me for a moment, a vulnerability there that I was loathe to betray, and as if he was reading my mind, said, “You are always firmly in the ‘real’ part of my life, Professor Denis.”
Before I even had a chance to react, he flashed me another one of those smiles and totally changed the subject.
“Did you talk to Ari today?” he asked, brows furrowed, obviously worried about the answer.
I found that I wanted to tell him everything Ari and I had talked about, the things I’d been thinking about, but I needed more time to figure myself out.
“I did talk to Ari. He’s doing okay, and there are actually a couple of things I want to ask you about, but we were talking about you.” I ran my hand over his bare calf and he shivered from my touch. “Tell me about your dad. Did he give you a hard time?”
He gave me a doubtful look, then put his own bowl down.
He brought his legs up onto the couch and hugged his knees as he looked at me.
“I just don’t know if I have a right to complain when my ‘family issues’ seem so minimal in the grand scheme of things.
” He placed his chin on his knees. The need to close the space between us and engulf him in my arms was powerful, but I held back, because I wanted to hear him, and he was right about things getting derailed whenever we were touching too much.
“I mean, sure, my parents are not very warm, but my life has been very easy.”
“It’s not all black and white, Easton.” I laughed at his astonished expression.
I probably was the last person he’d expect to hear this from. “The things that hurt you still hurt you. Just because you were born into wealth doesn’t mean that you can’t be hurt by your dad’s shitty behavior.” I shook my head, not wanting to launch into a rant.
“Privilege doesn’t mean that you can’t be sad, or that you don’t have the right to complain about it.
You also deserve people in your life who can see that pain and tell you that you didn’t deserve to be hurt like that.
The people in your life, me included, need to do better at showing you how dope you are.
” He busted up at that while I reached out for him, deciding enough was enough.
If we were going to go into our feelings like this, then I wanted to be fucking holding him.
“I’m glad you approve of my person.”
We maneuvered around until he was lying between my legs, his back pressed tight to my chest. “You know I do,” I said with feigned annoyance as I ran my hands over his arms. I pressed my nose into his hair which always smelled like the beach for some reason.
But I stopped before pressing a kiss to his ear, which with our track record, would most likely fully derail the heart to heart.
Easton sighed as he laid his head back on my chest, sounding so exhausted I almost wanted to let it go. To just let him relax after what had been a stressful day for both of us, but I couldn’t. I came here to make things right, and I was going to see that through.
“Baby, I—”
Easton’s back straightened and he turned around to look at me, his eye twinkling. “I think I like where this conversation is going already.”
I tightened my arms around him and pressed my mouth to his ears.
“Stop, this is serious.” I was not going to apologize for calling him baby, either.
I was here with him, and it felt good, and I would be a hypocrite to tell him he deserved to get what he needed, when I kept denying myself the same thing.
“I don’t want to get too deep, because we’ve both had long ass weekends. But I really meant what I said before. We’re all figuring out how to show up for the shit we believe in, and privilege doesn’t mean you can’t get hurt.”
He ran a hand over my cheek, his skin brushing the stubble there. It felt so natural, so right to be with him like this.
When he spoke, he still sounded unsure. “I get what you’re saying but look at this shit going on in town. Compared to what happened to Ari yesterday, my problems just seem so trivial.”
I sighed at that. “It’s not a competition, Easton.
At least it shouldn’t be. My struggle shouldn’t minimize or dismiss yours, no matter how different they are.
” I took a moment to take stock of what I was feeling and I really felt no contradictions, no turmoil, about telling him that.
“I think that’s at the heart of so much of what’s made us all so disconnected from each other.
This fear of naming people’s pain, the energy and the destruction that has been sown just to keep up this farce that we’ve ‘moved on.’ How can we be over what we don’t get to mourn?
Isn’t it better to just say, ‘I can see your pain and you can see mine. Let’s find ways to fix both. ’”
That was heavy, but it felt good to be able to say it to Easton and to have him hold my words. After a few moments, he spoke again, his voice soft and low.
“Thank you.”
I didn’t have to ask why, because I felt the same gratitude. To be here with him, with all the different things happening around us that would deny us this moment.
I turned my head so I could reach his cheeks and press a kiss there. I let my lips linger, grazing his stubbly chin. He felt so good, always. “You’re welcome. Maybe we can call this a truce?”
Easton sat up then and pulled away from me and quickly turned around so we were face-to-face. The smile that was beginning to feel like one of my biggest accomplishments made an appearance again. “Maybe we can call it a start.”
Easton’s optimism, his faith in things working out sort of bowled me over. “All right.”
He came in for a kiss, his tongue stealing into my mouth, sparking feelings in my body that I could not even really name. I wondered if I would ever not want him this much.
When we broke apart, his face looked all business, but there was a spark in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. “Okay,” he said, suddenly serious. “Tell me what you wanted to discuss about Ari.”
For a moment, I felt that pang, the one that chastised me for forgetting what was important. I tamped it down and remembered Ari’s words. I would not write myself out of the future I was working for. “I wanted to ask you about your friend who does immigration law.”
He nodded, immediately grabbing his phone from the table. “Of course, I’ll reach out to him tonight.”
I bit back a smile, because for all he could be so laid back about, there was intensity to Easton when it came to his work that I really respected. “Thanks, but come here first,” I said, my voice suddenly husky and low.
He lifted his eyes from what he was doing on his phone. I grabbed his hand to bring him in against my chest again, and as always, he came.