Chapter 19
chapter nineteen
juan pablo
“You know what’s wild?” Priscilla asked, as she cut off a piece of the omelet I’d made for her. Spinach and feta, her favorite.
“I’m sure you’ll tell me.” I teased as I wiped down my granite countertops trying to keep my cheesy grin under control. I was feeling pretty fucking good.
We’d laid in bed, messing around and talking until her stomach growled, making us both laugh.
She was always starving after sex, and that usually meant I cooked while she kept me company.
I was sort of blown away by how not freaked out she was.
I almost didn’t want to tempt fate by getting too deep.
But this felt good. To have her here like this.
Not just making love—although that had been great—but opening up to each other after so much hurt. I wanted to keep this going forever.
“I don’t even believe in soulmates.” She lifted a shoulder and shook her head, still clearly baffled by this fact. “I’m one hundred percent sure there are hundreds of people out there I could be happy with. That I could have hot-as-fuck sex with and feel satisfied by in real ways.”
Okay that’s not where I thought she was going, but I tried hard not to scowl. She knew me too well not to know what was going through my head.
She held a hand up with a grin on her face, as I stood there confused. “It’s just…they’re not you, and that’s why I’ve stayed away.” That was said with her looking at the plate and fiddling with the sleeve of one of my hoodies she was now wearing.
I nodded again, a sharp brisk movement, and really tried to figure out why she’d told me that. Why now? Did she want me to know that what happened tonight was a one-off? Did she feel compelled to stress the point that this hadn’t mattered to her as much as it had for me?
I’d been working hard at not making assumptions, so I would take what she was saying like I thought she meant it. That things with us were never simple. That we had hurt each other a lot over the years, so it was best not to tempt fate.
She was right about all of it, and I had to tell her I knew that.
“I’m not going to say I never meant to hurt you, because that’s not true.
I’ve done it too many times to not take responsibility for it.
” I ran a hand over my mouth and pulled on my beard, hard.
Looking for words that could work right now.
Words that could allow me to tell her I’d discovered that losing her was the one thing in my life there was no safety net for.
That the Priscilla-sized void stayed empty and aching no matter how hard I worked on filling it back up.
“I talked to my therapist about this.” My mouth always did me dirty at the most critical moments.
Her eyes went comically huge. “Your therapist?”
“I have a therapist.” I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it, but a little sense of pride puffed up in my chest at how surprised she seemed.
She leaned back, her arms crossed over her chest, and grinned. Okay so that fun fact landed better than I thought it would.
Her smile was devilish and I had to remind my dick that this was not the time. That motherfucker never learned.
“So after all those years of you shutting me down, you finally started going to a therapist. I’m gagged that you finally got your stubborn ass to find one.”
I did laugh then, because I should’ve known. “Okay, so basically all you needed to hear was that you were right all along to get all relaxed and shit.”
She laughed again and leaned closer, her hands gripping the edge of my breakfast counter, but whatever she was going to say wiped the smile off her face.
By the time she opened her mouth, her eyes were as serious as I’d ever seen them.
And just under that seriousness, I saw a flicker of the small flame of hope that was burning in my gut.
“What are we going to do, J? Did we just ruin our chance at being friends?”
She looked scared and it carved out a hole in my chest.
“Can we start by trying to be friends again, Pris?” I swallowed, having trouble believing I was actually saying it.
“I mean, you know my dick and pretty much every part of my body is always up for whatever with you, and after what we just did, I’m gonna need a dick cage or something when I’m around you.
” That at least made her laugh, but I wanted to say this next part.
“I’m not going to lie. I’d love to keep exploring this,” I explained, as I came closer so that I was standing in front of her.
“But I don’t want anything that stresses you out.
I want to be a good part of your life again. ”
She closed her eyes and I had to squeeze my fists hard to keep from reaching out for her.
But we needed to talk this out. “This doesn’t have to happen again.
We can go back to just friends, no benefits.
” My heart was galloping in my chest, my vision blurry from the fear that Pris would walk out of here today and that would be the end.
But when she opened her eyes, they weren’t sad anymore. “I don’t know if I can do a relationship right now, J. Or maybe ever again.”
Okay that hurt, that really fucking hurt, but I wasn’t going to fight her on that, so I just nodded, resigned.
“But.” She tapped a finger on my chest, and gave me a sad smile. “Tonight was good, so thank you.”
“I’m not gonna ask if I can get some of that good good again,” I said, as I sucked my teeth, flexed my biceps and generally acted up. “But you know I always, always want it. And now that you know where I live, you know where you can get it.”
“You’re a fucking clown.” There was no malice in her words, just the familiar helplessly amused tone Pris sometimes got when we were together and I goofed around on her.
“This is true, but I am a clown that’s been in therapy for a while now and I don’t want to fuck this up. I want you back in my life, Priscilla. I miss you.”
She nodded once and then leaned all the way over the table to kiss me once, gently, on the cheek. She looked content, if still a bit reserved. And something that had been cold and dead in my chest for years, pulsed with warmth.
“I can’t promise anything beyond knowing I don’t want to close this door. That’s the best I can do right now. And I’m not gonna lie, this place is pretty swank; I wouldn’t mind dropping by every once in a while.”
I pounced on that in a hot second. Even though neither of us would say it right now, we both knew her taste and the things she’d always said she liked were present in a hundred different ways all over the apartment. “Tu sabes que mi casa es tu casa. Siempre.”
“Okay, Imma eat my food and get back into that bomb bed of yours for a nap before I head home. I can’t show up at dawn with my parents there, but you wore me out.” A shy smile, a nod, and it seemed like we’d sealed the deal, and started a new page.
I looked at her for a second and held my tongue because I wanted to say all kinds of reckless shit. But I wouldn’t fuck this up. No, I’d slowly show her that I could be the person she leaned on, who got her. That could hold it down when she needed it.
That I wanted to be all of that for her.
Not because I was her soulmate. Like her, I knew that there were probably other people I could be happy with.
But still, Pris was the only one I wanted.
And if tonight had proved anything, it was that we still worked a hell of a lot better together than we did apart.