Chapter 32
chapter thirty-two
juan pablo
We’d managed to get through the next day without any more covert masturbation episodes or our friends fucking so loudly the bears could hear them.
We also managed to have extremely hot and noiseless sex, so I was counting this vacay as a win.
It had been a good break, but now it was time to head back to reality.
Jude and Nesto had taken off at the crack of dawn so Nes could get back to the restaurant, accompanied by Tom and Milo, who were off to the DR. Patrice and Easton were going to hole up at the cabin on their own until after New Year’s, so it meant that Priscilla and I were the only two headed back to the city.
Since there was a storm warning for the afternoon, we got going after breakfast. After more hugs, we had our bags packed and were standing on the snow-dusted porch saying goodbye to Patrice and Easton who looked ready for us to go so they could get back to bed.
“Brother.” I got pounded hard on the back by P.
“Text us when you get off the mountain and if it starts snowing, get a hotel room. Don’t fuck with snowy roads, Juan Pablo.
” I rolled my eyes as I pulled out of Patrice’s tight embrace then looked at Pris, who was mean mugging me for not taking P’s advice seriously.
“Will do. If snow gets heavy, we’ll get a room.” P still fretted about anyone getting on the road and he was especially fearful of the snow, but my reassurance seemed to relax him.
Pris gave Easton a big kiss and he squeezed her tight.
“Okay, friend. I’m going to be down there in a couple of weeks.
Dinner?” It sounded more like a warning than a question, and the way Priscilla snapped her head made me think they were going to have a heart-to-heart she might not be fully up for.
“Yes. We’ll talk.” The pointed look Easton was giving her was making me very curious, but when I looked at Patrice, he just shrugged, like he had no idea. It was hopeless; he wasn’t ever going to tell me anything Easton didn’t need me to know.
I opened the passenger door to Priscilla’s Crosstrek. I didn’t even pretend like she was going to let me drive.
As I slid into the seat, she stared at me slack jawed. “You’re not going to fight me about driving?”
I shook my head as I took my time doing my seatbelt. “Nope. Your car, you drive. But, I’m glad to take over if you get tired.” I adjusted my knit cap and looked straight ahead, ignoring what I knew were stares of disbelief.
My heart thumped a little faster in my chest wondering what was going through her head. My inability to let anyone drive on the interstate if I was in a car was notorious, but giving up control was one of the things I’d been working on with my therapist.
“Wow.” She sounded genuinely surprised, if only just a tiny bit suspicious. “P, it’s like we’re witnessing a personality transformation right before our very eyes.”
Patrice, that traitorous motherfucker, just laughed, but when he spoke, the affection there made it hard for me to get mad. “Nah he’s still a pain in the ass.”
“Priscilla, stop clowning, we’re going to get stuck in the snow.”
“There he is,” she said, voice brimming with amusement. “I knew this had to be a momentary lapse.”
I rolled my eyes without responding as she got into the car.
She had her usual vacay attire for winter.
Leggings, UGGs, and a hoodie. She also had her short North Face on.
She looked good enough to eat, and I meant that literally.
It was really a miracle and a testament to her stubbornness and my therapist’s skill that I hadn’t blown our cover in the past two days.
Once we were out of the mountains, the drive was easy.
Pris had always been a careful driver, even if she had a bit of lead foot.
We’d talked about our friends, how happy they all were, and even though she and I were still on shaky ground, I felt good.
Hopeful. When we were getting closer to my place, I finally got the courage up to say what needed to be said.
“Pris, what are we doing?”
She didn’t take her eyes of the road, but her back stiffened at my question. Like she knew it was coming and she’s been bracing for it. We passed a long stretch of bare birch trees while she thought, and I had to bite my tongue not to fill in the silence, or worse, take it back.
Just when I thought she was going to ignore me, she finally turned her face toward me for just a second, and to my relief, she was smiling.
She shook her head, her lips still turned up.
“A week ago, I wasn’t sure I could’ve told you.
I would’ve been too in my head with all the stuff going on at work to try and figure it out.
But you know something?” I waited for her to answer, knowing it was a rhetorical question.
“I figured something out in the last couple of days…”
Her brows furrowed like she was thinking hard on how to say it, and my pulse raced. I could feel the blood rushing to my head. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking, but it felt like our entire futures were riding on this moment. Like it was our final chance to make things work.
“It’s fucking hard for me to be soft.” She scoffed at that, as if she was stating the obvious.
“I always feel like if I’m not showing every person in my life I have everything handled, that I’ll let them down.
That I won’t be me anymore.” My instinct was to tell her that wasn’t true.
That no one expected her to be perfect, but I held my tongue, because I knew in a lot of ways, it was true.
No one needed to tell Pris those things when she could see them for herself. When growing up the only women that looked like her on TV were tired stereotypes. She’d been in the force for almost fifteen years and I knew how rare it was to see women like her in leadership positions.
No matter what I said to her now, we both knew she was right.
So instead of dismissing the truth of her words, I put my hand on her knee and tightened it.
Wanting her to know that I heard what she was saying, the burden of carrying that.
She sighed, fidgeting in the driver seat still sparring with her thoughts.
“With us, it became even more complicated once I joined and you didn’t. ”
“I’m sorry,” I croaked.
She shook her head hard, gripping the steering wheel.
“Don’t, J. Please. You don’t have to do that.
I know why you didn’t do it, and even if you didn’t have perfectly good reasons, you had every right to go the way that was best for you.
” She waved a hand in the air, as if to redirect herself back to what she’d been saying.
“The reason why it was hard was because I kept telling myself I had to prove to the world I’d made the right decision.
The more my own doubts crept in, the more I tried.
Eventually, I was holding myself so tightly, I couldn’t let anyone in. ”
I swallowed hard, and looked at her. “Pris, this isn’t all on you.
I was doing my own version of that, too, and I didn’t make things easier for either of us by being an ass about your job, and flying off the handle all the time.
” I bit my lip, and just fucking said it before I lost my nerve.
“We’re good together, Priscilla. Fuck, I think we’re perfect.
If the mind-melting sex we’ve been having wasn’t enough. ”
She chuckled at that. “We are pretty good at the sex part.”
I groaned and gripped my dumb dick, which got hard from just her saying the word sex. “We’re amazing at it. I’m hard just from thinking of that shower sex from last night.”
Now she was the one groaning. “Dammit, J. Don’t derail us, this is a serious talk.”
I threw my hands up, exasperated at myself.
“Sorry! Pris, like I said before, right now I’m willing to take whatever you’re ready for.
But I just need you to know that what I want is everything.
My life is where I want it, but it’s not complete, it’s not really real without you.
I’m not gonna say you’re my soulmate because I know you have feelings about that, but I just need you to hear me say this…
I love you. I have loved you since I was fourteen years old and kissed you in my Nonno’s yard.
And unlike before, I’m willing to put in the work to be the man you deserve.
Baby, whatever you need, my body, my life. Yo soy tuyo, Priscilla.”
She gasped at that last part like she’d been punched in the chest, and when she looked over at me, her eyes were full of tears. I leaned over and wiped them with my thumb.
“You asshole. Why are you doing this now, when I can’t do anything?”
I laughed at her rage, but the way her hand reached over to my thigh, and gently stroked, let me know we were fine.
“I got a lot going on, J. I can’t seem to make any decisions lately, but you’re right.
We’ve been so good in these last few weeks.
I love you.” I sucked in a breath, when I heard her say it.
It was weird, because we’d said it hundreds, thousands of times even.
But it felt different now, after I’d lost hope I’d ever get those words from her again.
She rolled her eyes at whatever face I was making, but she looked happy.
“I do. I don’t seem to know very much else right now, but I know that. ”
I wanted to say things, ask questions. I wanted to make promises and ask her to do the same, but I could wait, give her time now that we were both open to really trying.
“I’m here for whatever you need, Pris.” I needed to say this.
“I want us to be a partnership, a team. We’ve never done that; we always tried to keep our lives separate and I know part of it was us trying to avoid clashes about our careers.
I didn’t want you to think that I thought you needed me handling your business.
” I fidgeted, just a little bit freaked out about how she might react, but it was important to say this, if we didn’t have that clear, we’d be doomed again.
“Whatever you decide with your job, I’ll support you. I just want you to be happy.”
She gripped my hand hard and in a voice that was soft, but very clear, told me what I’d been needing to hear. “Okay. I want to try.”
I believed her. I felt it, too. We rode in comfortable silence until we saw the exit for Yonkers.
Just as we were getting to the turn, the light snowfall we’d had for the last few dozen miles thickened, and I turned to her.
“You need to be at work tonight?” Being a detective, she was supposed to have more normal hours, but there was no such thing as nine to five for cops.
She shook her head as she took a careful turn into the Cross County Expressway.
“Not until after New Year’s.” She perked up as though she remembered something.
“Actually, do you want to come with me to Bri and Reyes’s place tomorrow?
They’re throwing a party. You’ll like them.
” And just like that, the doors to each other’s lives were open again. I knew it wouldn’t take much for us.
I grunted in approval as she slowly drove us down the snow-covered streets of Yonkers. “You gonna let me be your date?”
The smile on her lips was pure sin as she maneuvered the car. “I may let you kiss me at midnight.”
“I’m in, then.” She laughed at my very suggestive tone, as I looked down at my phone which had been buzzing with incoming texts. When I looked at the screen, I froze. It was a message from Yariel that was either coming in at the best or worst time possible.
Yariel: Hey, pa! Listen. Did you talk to Priscilla?
My agent’s hot about working with her. She’s already talked to an editor at my publisher and they want to see a book proposal ASAP.
If she wants to make a move, I wouldn’t sleep on this.
Call me anytime, Hatuey and I are around.
Come thru tomorrow if you want, we’re having some people over for New Year’s.
Fuck I should’ve never talked to Yariel. Priscilla was going to be so pissed. All the shit that I’d told her—and tried to show her for the past month—would mean nothing. But I also couldn’t keep this opportunity, which could literally change everything, from her. Not after the offer from Tom.
I was reading the message for the third time when Priscilla’s hand on my shoulder made me look up from my phone. “Hey, sorry.”
“Is everything okay?” I quickly put my phone in my pocket. I needed a minute to figure out what to say.
“Yeah, everything’s fine.” I realized that the car had stopped and when I looked ahead, saw we were in front of my building in the guest parking. The snow was really coming down now, and I was glad we were at least off the road. “You want to come up?” She was going to kill me with those smiles.
“Yeah, I just need to—”
She never got to tell me what, because her phone rang and then everything went to hell.