Chapter 36
chapter thirty-six
priscilla
I wasn’t sure what I was even doing. I hadn’t been this fucked up about anything in a while, and that was saying something considering the half-dozen breakups with J along the years and the ongoing drama with my job.
But I’d been on my own thinking about what I wanted all day, making plans, doing pros and cons lists until my hands hurt from writing.
Thinking, dreaming, wondering if I could really take so many chances at once.
Because my job was a big one, but so was letting myself believe J and I could really do this again.
That this time it would work when we’d messed things up so many times before.
I’d gone over every possible scenario in my head until I’d gotten sick of it and gotten in my car to go to Bri and Reyes’s party, but instead, my car somehow drove its damn self to Juan Pablo’s building.
Almost as if I was in some kind of fever dream, I found myself in my New Year’s Eve attire, knocking on his door at 5:00 p.m. He’d texted he’d be at the party and I’d been vague and weird, because that seemed to be the only thing I could manage today.
The party wasn’t for another couple of hours though.
I’d told Bri I’d come early and help. Instead I was showing up at J’s house unannounced, and I hoped I was doing the right thing.
I rang the bell once, not wanting to use the key he’d given me, and waited with my heart pounding so hard I felt the pulsing in my ears.
I heard noises on the other side of the door and had to press a hand to my diaphragm to regulate my breathing.
The lock clicked open and before I had time to think about what I would say, he opened the door.
I wanted to kiss him, tell him I wanted a do-over for last night.
Thank him for giving me space, for believing in me, for offering a shoulder.
For a lifetime of being the only person in the world who could truly see all of me, and never hesitating to tell me I was perfect just the way I was.
But the only thing that came out of my stupid mouth was, “Hi.”
He looked surprised and unsure, which was something that happened with this new Juan Pablo.
In the past, he would always front like he had it all under control.
He never hesitated to let you know he had it handled.
This Juan Pablo asked for help, he said what he was thinking, he could be vulnerable, and that made him so much stronger.
We stood there in awkward silence until he stepped aside and lifted a hand to wave me in.
“You want to come in? I was just making myself a snack.” I nodded and came inside.
Noticed the little Christmas tree we’d gotten together was lit, and that he had the fireplace on.
I wanted to change into sweats, take off my makeup and wait for the next year of my life—which I was sure would be full of changes—here with Juan Pablo.
He stood by the couch, his arms crossed over a Yankees hoodie, his expression unreadable. I could tell he was thinking hard about what to ask, wondering what I’d come here to do. After all, he’d been very clear about what he wanted; I was the one who hadn’t made up my mind.
“I’m going to leave the force.”
He stumbled back like I’d slapped him, and I almost laughed. I lifted a shoulder and sank down in the armchair that I’d begun to think of as mine, and leaned down to unzip my boots. I needed somewhere to put my eyes when I said this.
“It’s time. I haven’t been happy in the job for a while.
There are a lot of good people there and they can do the work better than I can right now.
I want to try making a go of this project, of getting the space open.
” I lifted my eyes first, and found him still standing by the couch.
“I texted Camilo and Tom. I told them I’ll take them up on the space.
And if the offer’s still there, I’d love to talk to Yariel’s agent.
But that’s not the only reason I’m here. ”
My temples throbbed as I stood up, needing to go to him.
It felt right for me to be the one to make my way to him now, since in the past month, he had come to me so many times.
I needed to be the one to take this last leap of faith for us.
To tell him that I could see how much he’d changed and that now I could also clearly see a future for us.
“I needed to tell you I’m sorry for last night.
” He opened his mouth to protest and I shook my head gently, and took both his hands in mine needing the connection when I said it.
“No, J. I do need to say it. If this is going to work, we both have to have more faith in each other. You’ve shown me in these past few weeks that you’re willing to do that.
That you’re ready for whatever if it means we’re working for the future we both want.
And I want so many things, so many,” I said with a laugh.
“But all of them, all of them, involve you. I love you. I do, so much and it seems like that’s never going to stop.
” I shook my head, as our eyes locked together, his already a little watery with tears. “I love you, J.”
He brought his face closer and his arms tightened around my waist. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.
And my dream, mi reina; my prayer is that you will let me be there for you as you go for yours.
” I gasped, choking on my tears, as he pressed his lips to mine and that kiss was perfect.
Strong and soft at once. I could taste my future in that kiss, feel the strength of what we had in Juan Pablo’s arms.
“I love you, Priscilla. I’m so happy you’re here.” His voice was soft, and he spoke as he pressed tiny kisses on my neck and my jaw. I didn’t want to move from here. Or leave this place again, until we’d had time with each other, until I felt grounded in this new chance I’d gotten with this man.
I pulled back and smiled at him helplessly. “Would it be rude to cancel on Bri? I’m supposed to help set up.”
The smile I got in response was just on this side of filthy and how did he still make my stomach flip? “I’ll make it worth your while if you do.”
I laughed and kissed him again. “I have no doubt you will. So, what? Netflix and Chill for New Year’s?”
He bit his bottom lip in that way that made every nerve in my body tingle with anticipation and went in for another kiss, but just as our lips met, he said, “As long as I get to give you your midnight kiss.”
I whispered back, smiling against his mouth, “All my New Year’s Eve kisses from now until forever belong to you.”
That was a promise I would work hard to keep.