Chapter 37
Jake
The laces of my running shoes were stiff. They had dried out in the sun after I got caught in the rain on my last run.
I’d been inconsistent with my routine since Ali left Lakeside. It was hard to get motivated. It was hard to know what day it was. I used to approach each day regimented and balanced. Lately, I’d had a hard time getting out of bed.
Heartbreak will do that to you, so I’m told. No heartbreak had ever felt this bad before, though.
It was starting to feel suffocating, so I laced up and hit the trail lining the lake.
My legs felt like lead. Like I was moving through mud. Every time my feet hit the dirt, it took effort to push through to the next stride. As if the ground refused to let me go until I kicked it away.
It had been a few weeks since Ali left. I hadn’t heard from her.
It made me sick to think about her being gone.
I should have said something more the last time we spoke.
I should have fought for her. But fighting her for her seemed unfair and useless.
She had made up her mind. She knew what she wanted.
It wasn’t me.
Now I needed to put up a fight against these depths of depression over her.
The wildflowers along the path stared up at me in silent judgment.
Their petals continued to reach for the sky and the sun even after they’d been beaten down by rain and wind time and again.
They were stubborn and focused on doing things like growing, not just surviving. I was tired of making that effort.
I had thought Ali was a wildflower blooming here, but maybe she was never the flower but the seed that leaves beauty and color wherever she dropped, but then once the flower bloomed, she was a new seed released once again to plant a wildflower in another place and another and another.
I missed how easy it was to be with her. The electricity of her laugh. Her touch. The way her hand fit in mine. God, I missed her so much.
The ache in my chest was unbearable at times. Like now. I was overcome and stopped mid-run to heave. Bent over. Hands on my knees. Letting spit fall from my gaping mouth.
I loved her too much. I fell too hard for her. And now I had no idea how to be without her.
I continued my run and eventually got to the point where I could turn off my brain and let my body move on cruise control. I knew the sadness would flood my senses again when I finished my run, but at least now I felt nothing.
Later that night, I fell asleep in front of the TV on the couch again.
A pounding on my door jolted me awake. I checked my phone. It was just past twelve thirty in the morning.
I didn’t check to see who it was. I knew who I wanted it to be. Maybe she was being her spontaneous self and coming back to me.
I didn’t even wonder why she was knocking. As if she ever had to knock. She knew she was a part of me. A part of this house. Always an open door. Always waiting for her. You’re worth it.
When I flung open the door, it was a beautiful woman on my doorstep. Just not the one I wanted.
“Surprise.” It was Charlotte. Taillights from what must have been her ride were already out on the street and driving away.
“Charlotte. What are you doing here?” She looked like she was out of it. Her eyes were lazy and she was unsteady on her feet.
“Can I come in?” Her words slurred around her mouth.
“Have you been drinking?”
“Just a little,” she said as she made a gesture with her index finger and thumb. I recognized wasted Charlotte. She only ever got like this a few times when we were together. And every time it was because she was sad.
“Come on in. I’ll make you some coffee.” I held the door wider for her.
“You’re always so thoughtful and caring,” she said as she breezed into my kitchen.
“Have a seat.” I went to the sink to fill a glass with water for her. “Drink this while the coffee brews.”
“Mellie’s getting married. Did you know that?” Mellie was Charlotte’s younger sister.
“I did not know that. That’s great news.”
“She hosted a bachelorette party over in Holly Bend tonight. I haven’t gone to a country bar in a long time.” So that’s why she was so drunk and in the area.
“I grabbed a cab, but I couldn’t remember the address of where we were staying, so I gave them your address. I have that stored up here.” She tapped her temple—missing slightly—then corrected herself with exaggerated effort.
“From when I lived here.” She swung her arms around, her body listing.
“The cab ride must have cost you a bit.”
“Ahh . . . no big deal,” she said into the glass of water.
The toasty aroma of brewing coffee filled the kitchen.
“Do you need me to drive you to wherever you’re staying?” I asked. I wasn’t in the mood to do that, but I would if she needed me to.
“No. I texted Mellie and told her where I was going. I can stay here, can’t I?” she asked. She got up from the stool at the counter and walked to where I stood near the coffeepot.
“The house looks gorgeous. Hard to believe I almost had all this.” She was looking right at me. “I miss you so much, Jake. I hate myself for not marrying you,” she said in a low tone. “And now you have a new girlfriend.” She pouted.
“Ali and I are no longer seeing each other,” I said, not quite sure why. Maybe because I am honest to a fault.
Even though Charlotte’s eyes were slightly crossed from being drunk, they were kind and they knew a version of me that I had forgotten existed in all my grief. Maybe I hoped she’d offer a friendly ear to hear me share my feelings about losing Ali.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” she said.
“Thanks. It’s been hard,” I started to say, but then Charlotte stepped closer to me and leaned her head in for a kiss.
“Charlie, what are you doing?” I asked as I jerked back from her reach.
“I want to see if you taste the same,” she said, trying to be flirtatious but coming across sloppy instead.
“You need to get to sleep. Let’s skip the coffee. I have a guest bedroom where you can sleep it off tonight,” I said.
“What about you? You can keep me company.”
I flashed back to another time not too long ago when a different woman made a similar proposition. Declining Ali was painful. Declining Charlotte was a hard line and one I had no trouble deciding.
Luckily, she passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow. I sighed and did the good-guy thing. I removed her boots and put a blanket over her supine figure. I left a full glass of water and an extra toothbrush on the nightstand. Then I turned out the light and shut the door behind me.
The next morning, I woke and decided to hit the trail again. Getting into the zone felt so freeing from the weightiness of my thoughts and emotions. I craved just a few minutes of that.
I thought about Charlotte sleeping in my guest bedroom and wondered what would have happened if Ali had been with me like she should have been when Charlotte showed up. I realized I never did set boundaries with Charlotte after seeing her at the meat auction. My dad was right. Yet again.
I didn’t so much ignore his advice, I just kind of let it go. A loose end flapping in the breeze. One that was now smacking me clear in the face.
I gave myself some grace for the oversight, given that Ali and I ended up having our first fight that same night and then our incredible makeup sex afterward.
Not to mention the shitty article in the Tribune and the tailspin that resulted from there.
A lot of dramatic shit happened in a very short period of time.
No wonder my nervous system and emotional state were wrecked.
I could only imagine how Ali was feeling.
I circled back to her. Again. It was nonstop.
On a loop. Her skin. Her smile. Her eyes.
The way she felt against me. The way she felt when I was inside her.
I had memorized every inch of her in the few weeks we were together.
I couldn’t decide if that was a good or bad thing.
I wanted to never forget all those things about her. I wanted to never think of them again.
As I made my way back home, I decided I could only deal with the problem that was right in front of me—the hungover ex who wasn’t letting go.