17. Benji
Once the Christmas season has passed and the magic and decorations are gone the harshness of winter settles in. It isn’t snowing as much but the days are often cold and the sunlight seems to last only a few hours.
Jack and I settle into a comfortable routine. He works at his bar, sometimes until late at night if he needs to cover for a staff member, and I focus on expanding my commercial photography. The Christmas mini shoots that I did in December are enough to cover my bills for a bit so I’m able to focus on making connections with more businesses and real estate agents.
There’s a certain finality to this new routine, like we’ve fully accepted that life moves on even if one of the people you love most is gone. This is our new normal and the fact that it actually feels normal now brings its own waves of grief. I haven’t been able to force myself to visit Jessica’s grave, partially because it feels weird to do so when her murder remains unsolved. When I do finally visit, I want to be able to tell her that we caught the bastard. With time steadily passing though, not visiting is starting to feel like its own form of betrayal.
January seems to pass in the blink of an eye, suddenly it’s February and it’s officially been four months since my best friend was murdered. It feels like the police are twiddling their thumbs and getting nowhere in the investigation. No arrests have been made, no official persons of interest named. Nothing. Nada. It leaves the frigid month feeling a bit hopeless and the only light at the end of the tunnel is that I get to fall into bed with Jack most nights.
I know Jack still goes to the CrossFit gym but interestingly Alex stopped going a few weeks into his new routine. We both wondered if it was because he was worried he’d somehow give too much away or get his stories mixed up. Jack keeps going in the hopes that Alex will come back and he can manipulate some more information out of him, preferably something we can bring to the police, but so far he seems to have switched gyms.
What Jack and I don’t expect is to bump into Alex at Winterfest. Bend has a lot of local seasonal themed festivities and Winterfest has always been one of my favorites. This year, the event is being held downtown and a lot of local venders and artists are showcasing their work. Jack and I mostly go for the wide selection of local food and for the craft beer but the atmosphere is also pure small-town charm.
We wander around, clutching at our cold beers in plastic cups despite the fact that it’s maybe forty degrees out. Thankfully, I brought a pair of knitted gloves and my thick puffer jacket while Jack is rocking a pair of fingerless gloves and his typical lumberjack-chic flannel and thick Carhartt jacket and beanie.
We’re shuffling along, leaning into each other and enjoying a mild buzz when Jack places his hand on my chest to stop me and then pulls me behind one of the vendor tents. For a moment, I think he’s going to sneak a make out session but the look on his face turns serious instead. I glance around, trying to figure out what has him so spooked.
“I don’t want them to see us and leave but Eric and Alex are here.”
I glance around the tent as discreetly as I can and easily spot the pair grabbing a few beers from a local brewery’s tent. They look so casual that they don’t stand out at all, just a couple of buddies getting a few drinks. Except they aren’t a couple of buddies; one or both of these fuckers killed my best friend. Seeing them laugh and casually enjoy life while Jess is six feet under kills me.
The longer I watch, the more it becomes apparent I’m not the only one watching. Off to the side is a woman in her late forties and her eyes have hardly left the pair. I notice a younger man standing next to the pair. He’s alone and holding a beer but he isn’t taking any drinks and I’m almost positive he’s a cop listening in to their conversation. Finally. The police are finally doing something.
“I don’t think we’re the only ones watching. We need to stay out of sight because I don’t want to spook them and throw off whatever plan the police have.”
“You see cops?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure the dude next to them is and there is also a woman who has been watching from a distance with hawk eyes. I think she’s a cop too.”
“Fuck, let’s head in the opposite direction and hope they don’t see us.”
Jack slips his hand into mine and pulls me off into the crowd. I shoot a backwards glance and watch as Eric and Alex leave their cups on the table and wander off. The guy next to them discreetly pulls out two bags and snags the cups. I send a silent prayer into the universe that they’ll get a match and we’ll finally get justice.
Jack leads me to the far end of Downtown and we slip into McMenamins to avoid the crowds and escape the cold. The building is an old school house and it’s always given me a creepy, almost haunted vibe even though I’ve certainly never had any type of experience in the building.
Despite the crowds downtown, the restaurant is mostly empty and we’re immediately seated in a cozy little corner table for two. Jack sits across from me but immediately reaches across the table to take my hands in his. He’s always so tactile, his hands wandering my body making me shiver and feel owned in the best possible way. I’ve become so used to his constant physical presence that I almost feel bereft when we’re apart and I can’t feel his constant casual touches.
“You think they’ll get the bastard?” Jack’s voice startles me from my own thoughts, which always seem to be wandering back to him lately.
“I hope so. I honestly think they both played a hand in it so I’m hoping they get one and he kind of turns on the other.”
“I wish there was more we could do to help.” Jack sighs and shakes his head in disappointment, a small frown pulling on his lips. In this light, his auburn hair practically glows red and I have to resist the urge to run a hand through it.
“We aren’t cops and you already tried to get information out of him. I don’t think there’s much more we can do without getting in the way or putting ourselves in danger.”
“I just hate sitting here knowing that my sister’s killer is just walking around sipping a beer.”
“The cops are out there stealing his beer cups and they likely wouldn’t even be suspicious of the pair if you hadn't sent in those pictures. You did help, Jack.”
“You saw them take his cup?”
“Yup, that guy next to them swiped both cups and put them into separate bags when they were leaving. The cops are definitely trying to close in.”
Jack squeezes my hand and then lets go to start reading through the menu. When a waiter comes up we both order the special and relax into a more casual conversation.
“I’m sorry our date was interrupted. We only got to see about half of the festival.” Jack shoots me a sad smile and takes a long sip from his water.
“I don’t really care about the festival, I’m just happy to be spending the afternoon with you.”
“I know a way we could spend even more time together, Benji.”
“We can’t move in together, Jack. It’s literally been a few months.”
“No, it’s literally been fifteen years in the making. I would marry you right fucking now. Have my ring on that dainty little finger of yours so everyone knows exactly who you belong to. Fuck, I love the thought of you taking my name. You’ve always been family so it would just be so fitting. Benjamin Ashe is nice but imagine being Benjamin Jansen. Plus, my family loved you more than I think your blood family did. You should have our name-”
“Jack! You can’t just casually start talking about marriage when I just said no to living together.”
“Come on, don’t you like the sound of Benji Jansen?”
“Well, sure. And it is true your family loved me more than my own. I haven’t even talked to my parents since I moved out. It doesn’t change how crazy it is to be talking like this after a few months.”
“Baby, I’ve been hearing wedding bells in my head since the first moment I saw that pretty face of yours. I was just hiding behind all of that glowering and dickery so you wouldn’t see how completely and totally smitten I was and am. I love you. I fucking loved you fifteen years ago and I’ll love you fifty years from now. That’s not going to change.”
I run a nervous hand through my curls because it honestly kind of sounds like Jack is proposing right now and while I have spent years imagining him saying all of those wonderful things… I also need him to take the time to be sure. I bite my lip and Jack reaches across the table with his long arm and caresses my face.
“Don’t worry, I’m not proposing yet. You’ll know when I do. I just want you to think about moving in together. I want to fall asleep inside of you each night and wake up with you in my arms. I hate when we wake up apart, it feels like I’m missing part of myself.”
“I’ll think about it but I need time, Jack.”
“Is it…me? Like do you have doubts about wanting to be with me?” There’s a flash of hurt in Jack’s eyes and I can tell this is something that weighs on him by the tight pinch of his brow. “If that’s what it is, you can be honest. I don’t want to be thinking about a future you don’t see or aren’t sure you see. If this is maybe more casual for you, it’s okay to tell me that.”
“Jack, no. It has nothing to do with not seeing a future with you or not wanting one. I guess I just feel like when everything is resolved with Jessica and we’re settled into that new normal you’ll maybe start having second thoughts. I’m just not… it would take me a long time to recover if we started living my dream life, if I got to wake up next to you everyday and then lose that.” I rub my thumb along Jack’s hand and try to convey everything I’m scared to say. “It’s not you I doubt, I just doubt that I’m enough. I still feel like my head is spinning from you suddenly wanting to be with me.”
“I told you, it wasn’t sudden-”
“I know and for you maybe it wasn’t but from my perspective you couldn’t stand me to the extent that you basically told me to leave any time I was near you. It’s a big jump to go from that to talking about forever.”
“I’m sorry, baby. I was so worried you’d see right through me that I think I played the part a little too well. But it really was just an act and all those times you saw me scowling or glaring or worse when I begged you to leave… it was just because being around you knowing I could never have you, thinking you loved my sister… it just broke me.”
“It broke me having the only person I really wanted act like I was trash. I know you didn’t mean it and it was all a guise but those hurt feelings and insecurities aren’t going to go away overnight. I need time.”
“Then you’ll get time. I’ll spend however long it takes showing you that you’re it for me, that I meant it when I said you’re mine and I’m never letting you go.”
Jack lifts my hand to kiss the back of it and I instinctively cradle his face for a moment. I want everything he’s offering but it’s hard to take it, not with so much still hanging in the air. I do know that someday he’ll ask again and all of those doubts won’t seem too pressing and maybe then I can let myself have the life I’ve been daydreaming about.
Jack and I are cozy on his couch, enjoying a rare moment where neither of us has anything pressing to do. I’ve been super caught up with Valentine’s Day minis and wrangling kids into the makeshift studio I set up in my apartment. It takes a lot of patience working with kids day in and day out, always trying to get everyone looking at the camera and hopefully smiling for that perfect shot. It also means I have to put my photoshop skills to the test to edit photos because more often than not the kids don’t cooperate.
These mini sessions have kept me afloat now that I don’t have Jess to rely on for consistent commercial jobs. I’ve started building more connections in that space though and the work is starting to steadily come in. I’m hoping to eventually be able to live solely off commercial jobs because they require substantially less editing.
After all, I never have to beg a house to smile for a photo. As much as I love family photos, I’m looking forward to eventually being able to focus on real estate photography and using my drone to really capture the appeal of different locations.
Jack has been just as busy for the last few weeks. He holds an annual speed dating function every Valentine’s Day and it usually brings in a crowd of locals so he had to work that night to ensure his staff wasn’t too overwhelmed by the sheer volume of drinks ordered. One half of the bar gets set up for speed dating while the other half is an anti-Valentine’s Day party, complete with several heart shaped pi?atas and drinks themed to match.
The juxtaposition between the two sides of the bar is part of what attracts crowds and when people strike out speed dating they often move to the other side to drink away their dating worries. Honestly, Jack’s themed nights are kind of brilliant and I can see why his business does so well.
“I’m really sorry we couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day together, Benji. I had all these kinky plans for getting you all dressed up in some lingerie and making a whole night of it after the event but I ended up getting so busy with preparing the bar that it just didn’t happen.”
“I know those themed nights bring in a lot of business for you. Besides, we don’t have to make every single holiday into some a kinky costume-fest.”
“Don’t we though? Isn’t that kind of our thing?”
“There’s always next year.”
Jack beams at that and I can practically see him planning out all of the kinky holiday shenanigans we will get up to in the years to come.
“Yeah, there is.” Jack leans in and steals a quick kiss, our teeth kind of clinking together because he can’t stop smiling. When we pull apart I know we both look a little bit love sick.
“Besides, I had a lot of fun at the anti-side of the room. The bad karaoke to break-up songs were really the highlight of my month.”
“Your rendition of Dancing on my Own was eerily good.”
“I like the Callum Scott cover a lot. Plus, uh, I used to really relate to that song back when I spent my time watching you from across the room.”
“Fuck, baby.” Jack squeezes me closer and kisses the top of my head, his warm breath tickling my curls.
“Did you watch that blonde girl do Before He Cheats? She absolutely killed it and seemed to be singing it directly at a dude on the speed dating side. I asked the group she was with and they said he was her boyfriend right up until she saw him speed dating. I guess he told her he had to work so she went out for a girls night only to find out he was cheating.”
“Yeah, she had a rough night. I gave her whole group a free round of tequila shots. She seemed like she needed it. What really impressed me was the dude who did Since U Been Gone. Pretty sure he had been practicing belting that out for years just waiting for that moment. He was also like the only guy other than you on the anti side. I almost called it Galentine’s but I thought that might limit my customers a bit.”
We both laugh thinking about how passionate that particular rendition was. The man had earned a standing ovation and even the speed daters had stood to clap. I didn’t tell Jack but that guy tried to hit on me but seemed to understand when my answer was to look over longingly at Jack, who at that exact moment was doing some fancy, and equally sexy, bar trick.
Jack’s phone interrupts our giggles and he pulls it out, squinting at the unfamiliar number. He answers with a hesitant hello, clearly expecting a spam call. Instead of hanging up, Jack leans forward and unwraps his arm from my shoulders.
“Yeah I can come down. I’m going to bring Benji since he’ll want to be in the loop too. Yeah, he’s family too.”
Jack hangs up the phone and stares into space for a moment. I let him process in silence for a moment before he turns to me, a shell shocked facial expression.
“That was Detective Macy. He said he wants me to come in so we can talk because they made an arrest.”