19. Benji
Jack and I spend a few days holed up in the house while the whole town is abuzz with news of the arrest. The story has hit the national news circuit and it seems to be all over social media as people discuss cowardice and debate about whether a failure to intervene is basically the same thing as murder. Jack and I are both in agreement that not helping Jessica was just as bad as murdering her, especially since Eric helped hide her body out there amongst those damn aspen trees. I still get shivers when I see them.
I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, Jessica would make one last appearance now that her murder has been solved but it seems that feeling of goodbye that I had when we found her was true. I wish I could talk to her about what happened, how she felt in those last moments, if she suspected anything.
I constantly think about all of the things I wish I could talk to my best friend about and when I tell Jack how much I miss talking to her he suggests we finally visit her grave. Jack and I stop to pick up a bouquet of hydrangeas and baby’s breath, roses are much too simple for someone as Jessica, to leave on her grave.
We buried Jessica in the same cemetery as her parents. The Jansen’s have a large family plot in the cemetery at the base of Pilot Butte and the view of the volcanic butte from down below is beautiful. Jessica and I used to visit her parents’ graves a few times a year and she always commented on how calm and peaceful it was down in the shadow of a small volcano.
Jessica’s headstone is heart shaped and small flowers decorate the edges. Seeing her name and the date she died, which is much too close to the date she was born, is extremely painful. I can’t help the dramatic response I have seeing it again and immediately fall to the grass on my knees and silently cry. Jack is more stoic but there are tears in his eyes too as he runs a hand through my hair.
“I’m going to give you a few minutes to talk to her, Benji. I think you have some things left to say and I want to give you some privacy for that.”
Normally, I always want Jack with me but speaking to Jess like this feels weirdly intimate and he’s not wrong about needing some privacy.
“Fuck, I miss you Jess. I feel so lost trying to navigate life without you. I wish I knew what you were feeling and thinking in the end, if you suffered a lot or if it was a quick death. I always thought we’d grow old together and live out our end days chasing old men in the nursing home and hitting on the young nurses. I never imagined what life would be like without you and it sucks that I now have to carry on like everything is fine with you gone. Sometimes, the hardest thing is that I’m healing and in someways I am fine, which then makes me feel so fucking guilty. I think the only reason I’m even half okay is because of your brother.”
The window blows and a random aspen leaf lands in my lap, tiny and dried out but an aspen leaf all the same. For some reason, I know it’s from Jessica and it’s her way of telling me that she’s still around and can somehow hear me.
“Your brother and I ended up together. It feels wild to say that given our past but I get the feeling maybe you had an idea that things would turn out this way. I wish you had clued Jack and I in but I guess you had your reasons for not. I feel guilty for being so happy even though you’re not here but being with Jack is, fuck, it’s everything I’ve ever imagined and more. I just hate that I had to lose you to get here.
“I wish we could have been a happy trio when you were alive. I can promise I’ll never forget you and Jack and I will never stop celebrating your life. It may have been short but as cliche as it is you shined so fucking bright during the time that you were here. I know you would roll your eyes at me for that line but it’s true. I love you Jess and that will never change. You’ll always be my best friend.”
After a few minutes of crying I’m finally able to pull myself from the ground and I walk over to where Jack is leaning against an old oak tree.
“You say what you need to say, baby?”
“I think I’ll always have things to say to her but I said enough for now. Do you, uh, want some time to say goodbye?”
“Honestly, I talk to my sister a lot when I’m alone. I still feel close to her even when I’m just standing in my kitchen. She’d probably call me a sap for the sheer amount of conversations I’ve had with the universe but for some reason I always feel like she’s listening somehow when I’m talking to her.”
“I felt the same way just now.” I hold out my hand and show him the small aspen leaf. “It landed in my lap.”
“That’s weird, there aren’t any aspens in this cemetery.”
“I think Jess still has her ways of making us feel heard. I do think she’s out there somewhere listening to us. She’s probably laughing at our expense about how long it took us to pull our heads out of our asses and get together.”
“Knowing Jess, she’s definitely laughing at us. But you know what? I bet she fucking loves that we finally got here and I have to think she’s watching from wherever she is cheering our little love story on.”
“I guess at the end of the day it is a love story, isn’t it?”
“Greatest love story of my life, Benji. Hopefully, it’ll be my only love story.”
I lean up and capture Jack’s lips in a passionate kiss. Even though it’s inappropriate our tongues dance together and he backs me into the tree, his hands wandering everywhere in that possessive way that I love. I know now that this will definitely be my only love story, that my home is with Jack, and any doubts I once had begin to evaporate as he kisses me with enough love and passion that I know it’ll last a lifetime.
“It has to be done, Benji.”
“I know, I know. I just… going through her stuff and donating things makes it all feel so final.”
“Jess wouldn’t have wanted her stuff sitting in a storage unit forever. She had great taste and she would want other people to enjoy what she had. Besides, the profits are going towards a good cause.”
Jack and I have a sale set up tomorrow at the bar and all of the proceeds are going towards the DNA Doe Project, which helps identify victims of unsolved murders. We spent a lot of time trying to decide where to donate the money and finally settled on this non-profit because we felt that Jessica would have wanted to help bring closure to other missing and murdered women and their families.
I’ve been dreading going through the unit and saying goodbye to Jess’ things because she wasn’t a woman with a lot of possessions but what she did have she had really curated with painstaking effort. I know I’ll feel closure once it’s done but as always each step towards closure is bittersweet because it’s like saying goodbye all over again.
We went from having no answers for months to suddenly knowing the truth and getting resolution in one day. My head is still spinning from it all and while the trial is still underway it feels like this chapter is closing and a new one, one without my best friend, is opening.
Inside the unit is all of Jessica’s furniture, most of it from high end stores or curated from local woodworkers. Behind that, I can make out all of the bins containing Jessica’s designer clothes, shoes, and a few expensive Hermes bags she had collected over time. There’s even a small Tiffany’s collection in one bin, even though I told Jack that it was silly to store that here. Neither of us seemed to be too keen on storing it in our own places though.
I’m hoping that whomever purchases the items will love them the way Jessica did. It’s not a huge collection but the community has shown a lot of interest in supporting our charity fundraiser and I’m hoping our donation is pretty sizable.
Jack does most of the heavy lifting as we slowly start loading items into the U-Haul trailer hitched to his Jeep. It’s slow work and I keep finding myself mindlessly staring at the items while Jack stays busy and the unit slowly starts to empty.
“I think I want to keep this necklace.” I hold up a simple Tiffany’s heart necklace. It’s not fancy like the rest of her collection and it’s likely only worth a couple hundred but it was the first jewelry Jess bought. I remember how excited she was when she bought it.
“Sure. I remember when Jess got that necklace. She was ridiculously smug about it and even after she had a lot more expensive pieces she would wear it proudly. I think it was like a reminder of all the hard work she put in and how far she had come. Jess liked high end stuff but it seemed to be more about quality and recognizing her own hard work more than it being a status symbol for other people.”
“Jess never really cared about status or the opinions of other people. Though, I think you’d be hard pressed to find even one person who truly disliked her. Even after everything that happened with Derek Sullivan and the restraining order… he still seemed smitten with her.”
“Everyone was drawn to her and I guess in the end that was kind of what ended her life.” Jack sighs, a grim look on his face.
“It’s sad to think about but sometimes lighting up the room can draw the wrong kind of person to you. I wish she could have had a happy ending but I’m thankful for the years I got to spend as her best friend. I never fully understood why she took me under her wing but I’m thankful everyday that she did. I’m not sure I would have survived high school without her.”
“I always felt like I got lucky. All the other dudes would complain about their annoying siblings, especially their sisters, and I couldn’t relate because my sister was the fucking best.”
“Yeah, she really was.”
The bar is crowded with people but the room is surprisingly quiet. People seem to understand that this is a difficult moment for Jessica’s remaining friends and family and the tone in the room is surprisingly respectful.
Jack and I decided to have Becky, Jessica’s former receptionist, lead the auction since neither of us was particularly keen on the job and she wanted to help. Now that Jack knows Becky isn’t actually interested in me, and now that she’s stopped trying to set me up with her brother, he’s really warmed up to her.
Items are selling quickly with a lot of high bids and it’s nice seeing the community come together for a good cause. Jack and I know most of the people in the room but there are a few new faces in the crowd. Jack was right when he said that it would feel good to have all of Jess’ items out of the purgatory of that storage unit. Jack and I opted to keep only a few items because we felt the few things we had were sentimental, while the rest was better off being used by others.
I’ve been keeping Jessica’s heart necklace hanging over the mirror in my room. I’ve also been following in Jack’s footsteps and talking to Jess more when I’m alone. I know I won’t get to see her again but it makes me feel like we’re still connected in some way.
The last item sells and we slowly gather all of the cash and Venmo’s from the buyers as the bar slowly empties. We’ve made a hefty sum, over thirty-thousand dollars, which seems almost unreal but many of the items were valuable.
“Tomorrow we can compile all of the money and make the donation. I think Jess would have been really pleased with where the money ended up going. She wouldn’t have wanted her stuff sitting around collecting dust in a forgotten storage unit.” Jack’s voice startles me out of my own thoughts and he soothes a hand down my back.
“I agree. It’s just kind of sad seeing those last pieces of her life slip away. There’s something so final about selling her stuff, you know? It means she really is never coming back.”
“Baby, she isn’t coming back. I wish she was but whether we sell her stuff or make a shrine to her with it, she’ll still be gone. At least this way it benefits a good cause. Jess sure as shit wouldn’t have wanted us to make a shrine.”
I can’t help but laugh out at that even as a choke down a sob. Jessica once told me that Derek Sullivan had a whole shrine dedicated to her and she went on and on about how horrifying it was. So yeah, she definitely wouldn’t have wanted us to keep her stuff to try and immortalize her.
I wrap my arms around Jack and bury my face in his chest, which is my favorite place to be these days. The bar is nearly empty now, even Becky has taken off, and Jack puts his hands under my thighs and lifts me so he’s cradling me in his arms.
“I wouldn’t have made it through this without you, Jack. I love you.”
“I love you too, baby. I loved you then, I love you now, and I’ll love you for all of my tomorrows if you’ll let me.”
“I’m yours, you know that. I’ve always been yours, today, tomorrow, and even on my deathbed.”
“Let’s not get morbid, baby. You’re going to have a long life and we’re going to grow old together. I’ll be popping little blue pills in my 90’s to keep that ass of yours full.”
“Jesus, Jack. Way to be romantic.” I roll my eyes and laugh but honestly? It is kind of romantic thinking about what forever might look like. Any future with Jack is the future I want and now that we’ve found that elusive closure I’m ready to finally jump in with two feet.