Chapter Four
RYAN
Slightly out of breath as I do another sit-up, I’m only on my twentieth compared to Danger’s thirtieth.
Keeping up with someone who’s so physically fit is hard work and more than a little confidence-shattering.
I mean, I knew my fitness levels had taken a beating, but I didn’t realize how unfit I was.
I’ve let myself go, and I understand why.
Katie would have hated this—to see me like this—letting myself become unhealthy over the guilt of losing her and our baby girl. A twang of pain hits me right in the chest, and I fall back on the mat, clutching at my chest.
“Shit! Are you okay, Ry?” Danger asks, rushing over to me.
“Yeah, just had a moment. I’m overthinking again.” I close my eyes before taking a deep breath and reopening them.
Danger’s face softens when he puts out his hand to help me up. I take it, and he pulls me to my feet. “You’ve been thinking about them more lately. That’s strange for you.”
“I know, it’s this fucking health scare, man. It’s fucking with my head.”
Danger glances at me sideways. “Maybe if you saw a counselor?”
“No, I’m fine. I just need to be fitter.”
“Well, the more you train, the better you’ll get, but I think you’ve done enough for tonight. You’re really red, and I don’t want your blood pressure getting too high.”
“Yes, Mom,” I tease. As I start to walk off, my equilibrium falters, making the room spin, so I throw my hand out and lean on the wall.
“See, Mother knows best. I know you wanna get fit, Ry, but you gotta do it right. You can’t push the damn boundaries. Slow and steady, remember?”
“I can’t fucking win.”
Danger moves closer. “You can do this, and I’m here to help you every step of the way. Me and Lunar, okay?”
“Yes, Mom,” I reply again with a laugh.
“Good. Now do as your mother says and rehydrate.”
With a smirk, I pick up my water bottle and guzzle down half the contents quickly. We walk back inside, where Lunar is cooking dinner, and Danger moves in behind her, kissing Lunar’s neck, but she groans, pushing him off.
“Eww… you’re all sweaty.” She giggles.
“You like me hot and sweaty,” Danger teases, turning her around and kissing her lips. She slaps his chest while I laugh along with them.
“I was kicking his ass in sit-ups,” I lie.
“I bet you were, you sexy beast,” she chimes.
“You better believe it, sister!” I reply.
She giggles, and Danger slaps her ass as she turns back to stir the pot on the stove.
“How far off is dinner?” I ask.
“About half an hour,” Lunar tells me.
“Cool. I’m gonna shower.”
Leaving the lovebirds, I walk off to head upstairs to my ensuite to get cleaned up. My feet feel heavy, and my muscles ache with each step as I head for my room, the weight of my workout hitting me full force.
My bedroom looks the same as always—very bacheloresque.
When Katie died, I changed it all.
I didn’t want the constant reminder of my wife.
I wish I hadn’t done that now.
I wish I still had her things with me.
I wish I still had her clothes in our closet and her perfumes in the ensuite.
But none of it is there.
I wish I still had her.
Danger and Lunar now sleep in Maddie’s room, so none of her stuff is in there, either.
It’s like their memory has been wiped from this house and replaced with other memories.
I had to do it at the time. It was easier not to see them everywhere.
But now? Now I long to see one of Maddie’s toys or a piece of Katie’s jewelry lying around.
I miss them.
Every day.
My stomach churns, and I shake my head from the thoughts as I strip, throwing the sweaty gym clothes in the basket, and make my way to the shower.
It’s funny how, after being so in love with someone and then them being taken from you, how you feel like you could never possibly move on.
It’s been nine years, and I still feel like that, even though I’ve had countless women in my bed.
But the thought of falling in love with someone scares the shit out of me.
I don’t even know if it’s possible for me, or if I even want to, or if, even more importantly, I am capable of it.
Turning on the shower, I make it as hot as I can stand it and step in. The water cascades over my sweaty, sticky skin. It burns, but the burn is good. I need it to make me feel alive.
My mind wanders, thinking about how Katie would want me to move on, but how I keep stopping myself from finding that person. A person who’s worth laying everything on the line for.
Suddenly, a face flashes into my mind, and I’m shocked.
Tillie.
I can’t help but think about how understatedly sexy she is when she gets grouchy.
A flash of her standing in her office wearing only a bra and her skirt, clambering to cover herself as I walked in, bolts through my brain.
My cock hardens, and my hand inadvertently moves down to stroke it.
I let out a groan, finally letting off some tension.
Her face flashes behind my closed eyes again as I tug on my cock, and I place my other hand against the wall, steadying myself. I pull harder, bringing myself a pleasure I haven’t felt for a while.
I’m lost in the feelings when Tillie’s face flashes again, and it’s like something clicks in my brain.
I realize I’m jerking off, thinking about my arch-nemesis.
Regretfully, my hand falls from my aching cock, and I let my erection go to waste.
Rather than finding relief, my muscles tense, and a flicker of anger seeps through me.
She weaseled her way into my brain in a moment when I was feeling good, and now all I can do is plot my revenge for crawling into my mind and invading the space that’s reserved only for Katie.
TILLIE
About to start another day of work on Recoil’s PR. I’m walking into the office when Oliver steps out, looking right at me.
“Tillie, can I have a progress report, please?”
“Sure, I’ll just grab my stuff and be right in.”
He nods with a smile, heading back into the boardroom. I swear he spends more time in there than in his office.
Stopping by my office, I grab the Recoil folders and my MacBook computer bag, then head down to the boardroom. I take a seat next to Oliver as he sips his coffee and reads something on his cell.
“So, how’s everything looking for the band on social media?”
I bring up my folder to pull out the files. Upon opening the folder, a torrent of rainbow glitter falls out everywhere—all over the desk, all over me, all over the floor. “What the fuck?” I spit out.
Oliver shakes his head slightly.
I grit my teeth and try to wipe up the mess by cupping my hand, but Oliver reaches out to stop me. “Leave it. I’ll have a cleaner come in.”
Shaking my head, I flare my nostrils. “I’m going to kill Ryan for this.”
“Are the files on your MacBook?” Oliver smirks, actually smirks.
With a sigh of relief, I nod. “Yes. Thank God. Everything’s backed up on it.
” I open my carry bag and go to pull out said MacBook.
My eyes open wide and tense up as panic ripples through me when I pull it from my bag.
It’s also covered in rainbow glitter. I can’t help but scream out in annoyance.
“No. No. No. No. No,” I mutter, wiping off the outside of the lid.
Slowly, I open the computer, and it powers on automatically—only to reveal glitter everywhere, coating the keyboard.
Suddenly, there’s a loud bang, and the screen goes dark.
I slump in my chair, tears welling in my eyes, and sigh. “Wow,” I murmur.
“I honestly didn’t think Ryan had this in him. He must be really pissed off to resort to this level of childishness,” Oliver says.
“You think?” I snap out harshly.
He winces and looks at me with sympathy. “I’ll buy you a new one. You backed everything up, right?”
I let out a deep sigh. “Yeah, it’s all in the cloud. It’s just, well, my grandma gave me this MacBook before she… passed away.” A single tear forms in my eye, but I won’t let it fall. I won’t let him get the better of me.
“I’m sorry, Tillie. I’ll talk to him, tell him this kind of behavior is unacceptable.”
“It’s okay. It will probably make matters worse. I know I have to prove how valuable I can be to him, although I am unsure why. There is certainly something there, in the way he acts toward me.”
He smiles, squeezing my hand, but says nothing.
“Sorry about the mess. I’ll try to get a report to you as soon as I’m able.”
“Don’t stress, Tillie. Let me get a new one to you this afternoon, and you can show it to me then.”
The guys suddenly appear in the doorway and filter into the boardroom. When they see the rainbow glitter, they all pause, looking at the mess sprawled across the floor and table.
All but Ryan appear shocked.
Ryan is trying to hide a smirk.
“Come in, guys. We’re just having a meeting about some new ideas for your concerts. Wait for it…” I pause for effect, “… glitter bombs. We can glitter bomb the crowds, have them sparkling under the strobe lights.” My voice drips with sarcasm.
Oliver smirks as Ryan purses his lips.
“Really, wouldn’t that kinda be an Occ Health and Safety Issue?” Nate asks.
“Hmm… yes, probably true. Best keep glitter bombs to a minimum in the future, hey boys?” I jab, looking directly at Ryan, who has the audacity to smile. “Never know what type of priceless artifact you might completely fuck up,” I say a little harsher.
He winces, and the smile falls from his face.
“Okay, this conversation has turned officially weird,” Matt suggests, breaking the awkward tension.
“Excuse me,” I murmur, standing and grabbing my MacBook. It might be completely fucked, but I’m not letting it go. It’s a piece of Grandma.
And as I walk out of the boardroom, I wonder for the first time if I’m actually cut out for this bullshit.