The Big Purple Pleasure
I’m barely in the shop when I hear Gemma, the assistant. ‘Oh, it’s you! I’m dying to know, did the red work its magic?’
‘It did,’ I lie. She claps and looks genuinely happy for me. If only she knew.
‘So, what’s it today? A nurse outfit? Perhaps something for the honeymoon?
’ she asks. I look around and find I’m surrounded by people checking out the lingerie.
Friday night – I suppose they’re all getting set for a weekend of excellent sex.
I lean into Gemma with my hand half covering my mouth. ‘Do you have any strap-ons?’
‘STRAP-ONS, YOU SAY? Oh, you’re in for A TREAT!’
I follow Gemma sheepishly through the shop. The guitar on my back is bashing the racks of bras and pants. Gemma stops at the toy section. It turns out dildos come in many shapes, colours and sizes. She holds a huge bright purple one in the air called ‘The Big Purple Pleasure’.
‘This one is your best friend,’ she says. ‘It has a wireless remote, seven vibration modes, and veins.’ She runs her fingers across it, as if exhibiting a prize on a game show.
‘Do they like . . . veins?’
‘Oh God, yeah! My boyfriend loves veins,’ she says with big, wild eyes. I have an unwelcome vision of Gemma.
‘Do a lot of women . . . you know?’ I do a subtle thrust.
She laughs loudly. So loudly. ‘Oh, honey, we’re all at it.’
And with that, another ￡60 investment is made to get my sex life back.
*
I lie it on the bed. It looks ridiculous; a bright purple rubber penis attached to a black bungee harness.
I turn it over: Made in China. Homo sapiens have come a long way from humping each other in their caves to making plastic genitals in factories and shipping them overseas for other Homo sapiens’ pleasure.
‘It’s just a toy, Amy,’ I reassure myself, and put one leg in the strap, then the other, tightening it around my hips.
My wool dress rises and sticks out in weird places.
The weight feels so alien. I bounce and it wobbles.
Is this what men feel like all the time?
I walk over to the mirror and confirm what I thought would be true – I don’t look sexy, I look bizarre.
The wool dress is not helping, but I can’t see how being nude will improve the situation.
I stand to the side to get a profile view of a thrust. Slow at first, and then gradually faster, and the dildo bounces and shakes as I move.
I press a button on the remote, and The Big Purple Pleasure comes alive.
A loud vibrating buzz tingles up my body.
It feels strangely and shamefully nice. I press another button; the vibration gets harder.
Harder again. Then, like Christmas lights, the vibrations form different patterns – long and slow to intense, rapid pulses.
I press through them all until it goes off.
I need some help. I get out my phone and search for a video on Josh’s favourite porn site.
I remember one was called ‘Wife Finds Out Husband Is Cheating and Punishes Him’.
I liked that this couple were at least married, unlike the other videos, which seem to have a lot of inappropriate dynamics.
I find it and press play. Here we go. The wife appears in a strap-on, yelling at her husband to ‘Shut the fuck up’.
I rewind it and examine her movements, mimicking her as if Josh is bent over the bed.
I watch the rhythm of her thrusts – very hard and fast. Her husband is wailing with distress, so I think I’ll go for a gentler approach to begin with.
I assume yelling degrading words is part of the pegging experience.
‘FUCK YOU, USELESS PUSSY. WHAT ARE YOU? SAY IT. SAY IT,’ she shouts. I mouth the words along with her, then I whisper them, and now I’m yelling them. It’s strangely therapeutic to yell out ‘Useless pussy’. I reckon it could solve the big divorce issue.
‘PUSSY MAN! PUSSY MAN! PUSSY MAN,’ I yell.
‘Amy? Amy? Can I use your knife again?’ It’s Fifi in the hallway. I trip on the bed.
‘Yes, Fifi. Yes,’ I call back. I throw off The Big Purple Pleasure and hide it amongst my knitwear.
Josh and Amy’s Wedding 2025
To Do:
Chase Josh about the seating plan.
Go to Lace’s for the final fitting of the wedding dress.
Dye hair back.
Peg Josh (???).