Chapter 17
“I guess we should head back,” I whisper. “I hope the queen doesn’t get mad that I left. Not that she’ll probably notice.” But I don’t want to piss her off before she even gets the letter.
“You’re hard not to notice.” Leo extends his fingers and plays with a curl that’s sprung free from Anne’s artfully arranged hairstyle.
He tugs on it lightly, the slight sting dragging me back into this moment.
Back from thoughts of what I’m going to do if the Cooch Behar royals say they don’t know me. Back from thoughts on how to get home.
Then he uses that curl to tug me closer, and I go willingly.
“I’m usually very easy to ignore,” I tell him because it’s impossible to keep anything from him in this temple to knowledge.
Lying, or lying by omission in letting him think I’m someone interesting and not just interesting because I’m from the future, feels wrong here.
“Other historians do it all the time. And the general population doesn’t care about my research either. ”
And I let it go. Because at worst, they’ll be like the professor who laughed at me when I said I wanted to study Indian immigrants in England, and mock me, so sure they’re right with their pre-conceived notions and biases of what “western” history is.
At best, they’ll just ignore me, or scoff every time a person of color is represented in western history, sure that history wasn’t diverse because the one survey history class they had to take for their degree never mentioned it.
And since it never gets through, I don’t even want to try, because then I’ll just fail again. Same as with dating.
But not now. Now I’ll tell them with complete confidence that I know of at least one Indian royal(ish) who slept at Buckingham fucking Palace.
If I ever get home.
“It’s just because I’m so different to everyone you know.
Because I’m from…you know.” Even though I don’t say it, I feel a little thrill that I don’t have to lie to Leo anymore.
I’ve been so worried about what would happen if the truth got out, and now at least one person knows and I haven’t been arrested. It’s very freeing.
Leo doesn’t dismiss the idea right away. He tilts his head and considers. I don’t know if I would have preferred an instant and probably disingenuous denial over him actually considering if I’m boring in front of me.
Then he shakes his head. “I do not think so. This is London, and people come here from all over the world for business, pleasure, or a new start. And they have been coming for a while. Take my family as an example. Yes, London has never had anyone from the future to my knowledge. But I still do not think my interest is just because you are from a different place.”
“You can’t know that unless you meet more women like me!
Then you’d see there’s way more interesting people out there.
” I don’t know why I’m trying to sell other future women to Leo so bad.
I just don’t want him to have the wrong idea about me.
If he is interested, I want it to be because of me, not my strange future personality.
Not that this is going anywhere, regardless.
Leo snorts softly, respecting the silence of the library. “I do not think I could handle any more women like you.”
As I open my mouth to tell him again that he just doesn’t know what he’s missing, he steps forward, so I step back. We keep up the dance until my back hits the hard leather spines on the bookshelf behind me.
“But I am very grateful, for however or to whatever brought you here, that you did come. And that I met you at that ball.” He raises his hand to touch my cheek and I lean into it despite my resolution to stay away from Leo.
Then he closes the distance between our mouths, his full lips softly caressingly mine in little butterfly touches that make contact, withdraw and make contact again, repeating the process until I’m half-wild with wanting more. But, because he’s irritating, he keeps it light.
I make a sound of frustration that doubles as a demand for more, abandoning all my principles of not getting involved in the past while I pull his shoulders in.
I slip my tongue past his lips, deepening the kiss as I drag him closer. His kiss warms me from my lips out to my extremities, giving me contentment and making me ravenous for more at the same time.
I don’t feel like a boring option right now.
With the way Leo reciprocates with enthusiasm, wrapping his strong arms around my waist so I’m surrounded by the feel of a wall of books on one side, and a wall of man on my other, it makes me feel like I’m as exciting as the people I read about, doing daring things and changing history.
If I had any doubt that Leo’s frenzied movements were a lie, the hard length he presses against me is impossible to refute.
The scents of the leather-bound books swirl with Leo’s faint smell of bergamot, making a very specific catnip of my now two favorite things: books and kissing Leo.
We shift and slide against each other, trying to get more contact in the embrace, in the process accidentally knocking a book off the shelf. The sound of heavy object hitting the rug in the quiet space, although muted, is enough to make me jerk my head up and away.
Leo reacts slower, and when denied access to my mouth, leaves a trail of kisses on my chin and neck while one firm hand grips my neck to stop my retreat, and the other on my breast. Making me forget why I was pulling away but making me feel even more desirable.
Not even the threat of scandal and his new attempts at responsibility can drag him away.
But then other sounds filter in, and I think I hear footsteps. Or I’m paranoid about them and everything sounds like footsteps, so I push Leo away, almost knocking him into the opposite shelf. He resists for a half-second, before he makes a sound of frustration and pulls himself completely away.
Well, I’ve never done that in a library before.
Instead of saying anything, and because I have no idea what I even would say after that amazing kiss, I turn and walk out of the library, telling Anne we’re ready to go on the way, and then leave the school.
Once outside, Leo silently signals for his carriage, and we get into it.
Leo tries to make conversation, but I take the coward’s way and keep my responses monosyllabic. Even some nods and grunts.
Because even though he makes me feel more wanted than anyone in my time, things can’t go further. I have to go back to that time; I can’t be attached to the handsome rake in the past. Who is actively trying to marry someone who is not me.
Also: condoms? They’ve moved on from animal intestine and bladder “skin” condoms, so at least there’s that. But I don’t know where to get the rubber ones. And what if he prefers the skin condoms? Because initial market research on myself says no, I’m not ready for nineteenth-century condoms.
And what if time travel interfered with my IUD? Like antibiotics and the pill.
Nope. This is all too much for me to handle. So, I won’t.
Leo is letting me have my delusion that the kiss in the library didn’t happen, but he’s not going to let me forget he exists. “I could take you to Cambridge,” he says in a whisper.
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” Sure, I need to go. But with Leo? That’s too much temptation.
“No, most likely not. But at least you do not have to tell me why…” He looks at Anne and clears his throat. “And my family seat is out that way, so it would be natural for me to go.”
“Not with me,” I whisper.
“No, most likely not.” He has a decidedly rakish smile on now. “But if you find your answers, it will not matter what people are saying about you. And we could do it quietly.”
I don’t have many options. I don’t have the money or resources to get there any other way.
Still. If I do have to stay, that will ruin me.
“We’ll see what the queen thinks about it.
” Or if I can think of a way to do this without becoming London’s most scandalous woman.
Which is not something I thought I would ever have to worry about, frankly. “But thank you for the offer.”
“I shall be here should you change your mind.”
“Thank you, again.” The kiss has made things awkward between us. I don’t regret it, even though I should. Maybe Leo is having a bigger effect on me than I thought.
Because all I hear now is the newly discovered irresponsible side of me, telling me forcefully to tear off my multiple layers of clothes and throw myself at the arrogant marquess. Right in this carriage. Anne be damned.
I could use some of my responsible side, throwing cold water on me with statistics and well-reasoned arguments and maybe a pie chart about why this is a bad idea. Even my irresponsible side can’t argue with a well-executed pie chart.
But the responsible coward is nowhere to be found, leaving me watching Leo warily and hungerly out of my peripherals in this carriage.
“I will see you tomorrow,” Leo says when we stop in front of the palace and get out of the carriage, after Anne has already made her way inside, probably assuming I would be right behind her.
“You don’t have to come every day. The plan is already working; you must have rich heiresses to call on too. Before they can be swooped up by someone else.”
“They are not mice, and I am not a hawk.”
“Sorry. Should I add more romance to the marriage mart?”
“Just the illusion of it, thank you. So I do not feel like all I have to offer this world is my name and seed.” He looks at me expectantly—to see if I’ll faint at his crudeness? Good luck with that; I teach college.
But it does feel like I hit on a sensitive issue.
I’ve written a lot about how trapped the women must have felt in some of these cash for title arrangements, but at least some men resented the need for them as well, apparently.
I don’t feel too bad for them, though, because in this arrangement, they have more choices and more power.
“Well. You still need to move with haste before the fair maidens lose their hearts, and purses, to other fair suitors.”
Leo tilts his head at me. “You do not have a high opinion on romance?”
“You’re literally trying to marry a woman because of her fortune. Do you have a high opinion on romance?”
“I did not used to. Mother and Father began as a love match, and that love did not seem to last much longer than us children being born, if even that long. But my father genuinely loved his mistress. Not just as a diversion but as someone he needed to spend time with. So much that he sacrificed everything just to be with her all the time. Not that he had a lot to sacrifice since he went through most of his fortune and Mother’s by the time he left.
But he did sacrifice his reputation and family for her.
Since he did it, I wondered what it would be like to feel so strongly for someone.
To love someone to the point of ruin. Dangerous, but intriguing. ”
“That’s unexpectedly romantic, in a messed up way. When we met, I thought you said you were only concerned with a good time. What happened to that?”
“Father made being in love, true love, seem like a good time. The ultimate good time if he was willing to sacrifice his lifestyle for it. Not that best time for us, but he seemed happy enough walking out the door to his new life. I want to love someone like that. And I would like to be loved like that. Although without all the destruction, preferably.”
“So, you’re not a rake?”
That makes him laugh. “I never said I was.”
“I assumed. What with the loving of good times and the flirting with everything that moves.”
Leo tilts his head. “And who else, aside from rich heiresses, have I flirted with?”
“Well, you know.” I don’t want to say it out loud. My cheeks are already starting to burn at just the thought of it.
“I don’t.”
“Me.”
“I like you.”
I clear my throat and shift. “And the heiresses.” I focus on the fact that he is pre-spoken for.
“That is necessity.”
I hold his gaze for longer than I’m comfortable with, wishing for more than is reasonable right now.
We’ve been standing outside the palace for the entire conversation. Anne will wonder what’s taking so long and come get me soon. She’d be wrong if she thought licentious things were happening.
Not that both of us aren’t thinking licentious things, but even in the Victorian era, thinking about sex isn’t illegal. Just frowned upon. And even that only publicly. I’ve seen your private pornography, Victorians. I know the secrets you keep. Filthy, naked, hot and sometimes confusing secrets.
“I really should go.” But I don’t move toward the palace door.
“Yes.” Leo doesn’t move either. Until I reach for the doorknob, then he jumps into action, opening it before I or the guard can get to it.
“There’s a ball tonight,” Leo says.
“Another one?” I’m aghast. When do these people find time to run the country, or take all those resources from India if they’re constantly drinking Madeira and dancing in formation? It’s mind-boggling.
“We are committed to balls.”
I snicker. “I bet you just love the balls.” I can’t help myself. None of my students would respect me if I had just let it sit there. I wouldn’t respect me.
Leo looks confused and I wave him away. I don’t have the energy to explain that I have a dirty mind.
“If Her Majesty wants to go, I’ll see you there.
” I turn and walk inside before we spend another hour saying goodbye.
I’m getting worse than my mother, who has to say bye to my aunts or her friends about twelve times over the course of fourty-five minutes before she means it.
I know; I’ve timed it, sitting in the car ready to go because I believed her when she said we were leaving a family party.
Like an amateur.
“Wait, were you laughing because I accidentally said the English like bollocks?”
I hear the question from behind me but don’t stop to answer it because I’ll probably lose it if I do.
That’ll definitely make people talk about me.
And they won’t be saying good things.