Chapter 27
On Tuesday, I show up to Plant Physiology and Biochemistry with a heart of stone after an entire morning of giving myself pep talks. When AJ makes a joke before class starts, I laugh a little too loud and lean in a little too close. Is it petty of me? Sure. Do I care? Not particularly.
Alaric’s gaze burns into me as he waits to start class, but I refuse to make eye contact. Throughout the entire lecture, I keep my eyes fixed on my notebook and take notes while maintaining a mask of indifference.
When class finally ends, I’m gathering my things and making an effort to keep a conversation going with AJ and Joanna in hopes that Alaric will leave me alone, but my efforts are in vain.
“Miss Harver, can I see you after class?” Alaric’s low voice carries through the room, and my heart rate skyrockets. Damn it.
I tell AJ and Joanna I’ll catch up to them in a few, and AJ looks at me with something between concern and curiosity. “Do you want us to just wait outside?”
I shake my head. “No, it’s okay. I’ll meet you at the dining hall?”
They agree, albeit hesitantly, and my stomach twists as Alaric waits until everyone has cleared the room before he speaks. To my surprise, his expression softens, as does his voice.
“Are you okay?”
The gentleness in his tone causes my walls to falter, but only for a moment before I steel myself again. “I’m fine.”
“I was worried about you when you didn’t show up to tutoring on Friday. What happened?”
“Something came up. Sorry.”
Alaric’s brows knit together in genuine confusion. “Have I done something to upset you?”
I debate going off on him here and now, but I’m just so… tired.
“You haven’t done anything wrong,” I say, because that’s the closest thing I can get to the truth.
He has absolutely done something to upset me, but he never promised me anything or led me to believe we’d be exclusive or together in any meaningful way.
I’m hurt because I let my own expectations interfere with reality.
He runs his fingers through his dark hair, pushing it back off his forehead before it falls right back into place. “Okay,” he relents. “Will I see you this Friday for our session?”
“Yes. Thank you for your help, Dr. Vale.” I use the formality intentionally, and I almost feel bad for the look of chagrin that crosses his expression before I turn and leave the classroom.
But this is what he said he wanted, right?
A professional relationship and nothing more, despite all the mixed signals he’s given me.
Thursday’s class is a repeat performance of Tuesday’s, and I manage to finish my lab around the same time as AJ, giving Alaric no time alone with me as I hand in my paper and walk side-by-side with AJ to the dining hall.
On Friday, after my classes, I’m practically shaking by the time I reach Alaric’s office, and it’s not from the perpetual drizzle of frigid rain. I’m bundled up in a fuchsia sweater, a long, flowing black skirt, and fleece-lined leggings beneath to keep me warm.
My chest tightens as I make my way through the dark, empty stone hallways lit only by the flickering glow of the sconces now that daylight has receded. The days are getting darker and colder, casting a pall over the already tenebrous island.
Alaric’s office door is closed, but I can make out the thin stream of light from beneath. I knock.
“Come in,” he calls.
I push open the door to find Alaric behind his desk surrounded by stacks of books and loose papers covered in his sharp handwriting. He looks up when I enter with a carefully neutral expression but says nothing as I take a seat across the desk from him.
“Are we working in here today or heading elsewhere?” I ask in my most professional tone.
“We’ll stay in here today,” he says.
I nod and stay silent, waiting for his instructions.
“Why didn’t you show up last week?” he asks.
“I told you already. Something came up.”
He levels me an exasperated stare. “Why are you upset with me? And don’t try to tell me that you aren’t, because there’s clearly something I missed here.”
Huffing a sigh, I answer his question with another. “Why should I tell you? You never explain anything to me.”
“Alright, fine. You answer my question and I’ll tell you a secret. How about that?”
I consider his proposal and decide that it’s probably best to get my frustrations off my chest anyway. “Fine. I’m upset because we’ve been flirting on and off for almost two months now, we kissed, and I had this stupid hope in my head that it might turn into something more.”
He cocks his head to the side. “And something happened to change that hope?”
“You looked pretty damn cozy with the pretty blonde professor last week, and no offense, but I’m really not into being a secret side piece while you publicly date someone else.”
Alaric sighs and says, “I know this will sound like an excuse, but it’s not what you think. There are a lot of things at play behind the scenes right now, and I need to play my cards right to get in with… certain faculty members.”
“By holding their hands and flirting publicly?”
As the conversation progresses, Alaric becomes increasingly more frustrated, tapping his fingers on the desk, pulling at the back of his neck, and being generally restless.
“I need to get close to Erin because she has information that isn’t readily available to anyone besides her and her mother, as far as I know. ”
“What kind of information?”
“Something related to my research.”
“Ah, yes, the super secret research that you can never talk about that seems to be a convenient excuse for every secret you keep. Right.”
“I will tell you someday, but right now, I can’t. For your own safety.”
“For my safety?” I shake my head. Unbelievable.
“Yes. But I can assure you that any flirtation I have with Erin is purely strategic. I have no romantic interest in her, even if I may be misleading her to believe otherwise. You’ll just have to trust me.”
It should bother me more that he just admitted to leading on another woman for nefarious purposes, but for some reason, it doesn’t. “I don’t want to be some pawn in this ridiculous game you’re playing.”
“You’re not. I care about you a great deal, Vivian.”
My traitorous heart constricts at his words. “Whatever. Anyway, I told you why I was upset, and now it’s your turn to hold up your end of the deal. What’s your secret? Or, one of thousands, I guess,” I add bitterly.
The corners of his lips quirk up in the slightest of smiles, but his eyes hold an apprehension. “Can I trust you to keep this information to yourself?”
“Sure, what’s another item on the never-ending list of secrets?
” I roll my eyes. When he doesn’t respond, I clarify.
“Yes, I’ll keep this information to myself.
I haven’t told anyone any of the other things you’ve asked me to keep secret.
” I don’t mention that Max managed to guess about our relationship. I trust her to stay quiet.
“My magic is unique in that I don’t have just one Affinity.
And one of the things that I’m able to do is sense small things about others through skin-to-skin contact.
Mostly emotions and the type and strength of their magic.
It’s a subtle sort of power, not as strong as, say, an empath, but it gives me some insight into a person. ”
“That’s really interesting. Is that why you touch me all the time?”
He shakes his head. “No. I touch you because I’m desperate to feel you all the time, and so far, those passing touches are all I’ve allowed myself to indulge in.”
I wish I could easily write his words off as lies, but there’s a sincerity in his expression that’s impossible to feign. “Well… I like it too,” I say, because I’m not sure how else to respond.
“That’s not the secret, though. At least, not entirely. I wanted to tell you that in the times I have felt your power, it’s been much stronger than expected. There’s something still holding you back, but once you manage to unlock your full capabilities, you’ll be a force to be reckoned with.”
“Seriously?”
“Absolutely.”
“But how? And why me? That doesn’t make any sense.”
He shrugs. “Sometimes it just happens that way. Strength and skill aren’t always dependent on genetics.
There are a lot of variables that can influence one’s magic, and sometimes the key to unlocking your power is to experiment with various methods until you find the right one.
While we understand a lot more about magic than we used to, there are still many unexplainable aspects of it. ”
“That’s… bizarre,” I say, trying to find the right words to express myself. I’ve been struggling more than almost every person on this campus trying to do first-year magic, and here’s Alaric telling me that I may be stronger than most of them. It’s a lot to process.
“I’ll be happy to continue working on it with you, even after the semester ends,” he offers.
“Won’t that look suspicious to people that you’re still tutoring me even after I’m out of your class?”
“Maybe. But if we can manage to keep our… personal activities under control, then we’ll be okay.”
Despite the fact that I know we can’t have a real relationship, I deflate a little at his words. “Got it.”
“Please don’t think for a moment that I don’t want you, because I do.”
“But?”
“But I also don’t want to hold you back or cause you unnecessary stress. You deserve someone who can give you everything you want without reservation, someone you don’t have to hide. You deserve better than this.”
I scoff. “It’s not you, it’s me, right?” Unable to handle any more emotional whiplash this week, I stand to leave, wishing we’d just stuck to talking about academic topics rather than our entwined personal lives.
I’ve only swung the door open an inch or two when it slams back closed. Alaric’s palm is just above my head, pressing against the door to prevent me from leaving. The rise and fall of his broad chest is only inches away from my face as I stare up at him in shock.