Ten
T HE DRIVE BACK TO JIM and Esther’s is utterly silent. I focus mostly on trying not to cry.
Dan is tense and unreadable. I know he’s not happy, but otherwise I can’t tell exactly what he’s feeling. When he reaches the town house, he pulls into the driveway and shifts into park.
I fumble with my seat belt, scrambling to get out as quickly as I can before I lose it. I’m opening the door when Dan says, “Vicky.”
I freeze, glancing back at him over my shoulder.
He works his jaw for a moment. “So this is it? We’re over just like that?”
I almost choke. “Looks that way.”
Then I’m finally able to stumble out of the car.
***
I BURST INTO TEARS as soon as I step through the front door, and it’s a couple of minutes before I can manage to explain what’s going on to Jim and Esther between sobs.
They were watching TV in the living room, but Esther jumps up immediately to make some hot tea and sit with me at the kitchen table.
I’m so upset that she texts Savannah, evidently hoping for reinforcements for the crisis.
After about five minutes, she goes to glance out the window for some reason. Maybe she’s hoping for Savannah to arrive, but there’s no way she could make it here so soon from her and Lance’s place even if she jumped right in the car. “He’s still in the driveway,” Esther says.
That startles me so much I lurch to my feet. “What? Why?”
“I have no idea. But he’s still sitting there in his car.”
I go to the window to look, and Esther is right. Dan is still sitting in his car. Unmoving. It’s dark outside by now and the lights are turned on inside, so he obviously sees me looking out.
Our eyes meet across the distance in a weird, somber gaze.
I wonder for just a moment if he’ll get out and come to the door. Want to talk to me for real.
Maybe there’s still a tiny sliver of hope that we could work this out.
He doesn’t. He finally puts the car into reverse, backs out onto the street, and drives away.
***
S AVANNAH ARRIVES ABOUT twenty minutes later, wearing what must be her pajamas with a pair of flip-flops.
I’m still crying but not quite as uncontrollably now, so I’m able to give her a more complete accounting of everything that’s happened.
Both she and Esther clearly understand that I’m in love with Dan. I don’t say it, but apparently I don’t have to.
Maybe they knew it already.
Savannah listens without interrupting. Esther mostly makes wordless, sympathetic sounds. Jim is still sitting in his easy chair, but he can hear too.
“I’m really sorry, Vicky,” Savannah says when I’m finally done with my story. “That’s so hard.”
I sniff and wipe my eyes and try to find my normal composure. Yes, this is real heartbreak. There’s no question about that. But I’ve always been strong and self-sufficient, so surely I can get through this without completely falling apart.
At the moment, I can’t imagine even getting to tomorrow.
“He really didn’t say anything when you asked for an explanation?”
“No.” I shake my head, wiping away a couple more tears. “Nothing. He was upset, I think, but he wouldn’t open up or say anything.”
Savannah frowns. “Well, I can see you took it as his final answer, but there could be more than one reason for not saying anything.”
“I know. He could be confused or nervous or upset or whatever, but the point is he... he never says anything. He’s even told me that’s been a problem for him in the past. He can’t get close to people.” It’s horrible how clear it all is to me—exactly what happened over the past hour or two. “He said he always gets to this roadblock and he never finds a way through it. That’s where we are now. We’re at the roadblock. And he... he doesn’t see a way past it.”
“Oh my God,” Jim mutters from the other room. “Give the poor guy a break!”
“What?” I’m more surprised than anything else by the outburst. I get up and move into the living room so I can see my uncle. “What do you mean?”
“I mean the poor bastard is obviously in love with you. Anyone can see that.”
I gulp over a surge of intense hope mingled with confusion. “Wh-what?” I turn toward Savannah and Esther, who both followed me into the living room.
“That’s sure what it looked like to us,” Esther confirms.
Savannah nods slowly.
“So maybe,” Jim continues, “you could give the poor guy more than a few minutes to get the words said.”
I’m bombarded with feelings—hope, fear, bewilderment, annoyance, joy—one right after another. So intensely I sway on my feet.
“Look, I’m the last person in the world to be patient with weak-willed men who wait around for things to be made easy for them,” Savannah says in her wry, clever voice. “But Dad might be a little bit right. I’ve always thought that Dan was kind of like Lance used to be. A really good guy in almost every way but having no experience with being vulnerable in relationships because there was always a distance with his family. Lance and I made even more of a mess of things than you and Dan have if you want to know the truth, and part of the way we fixed it is that we both had to take a step forward. I’ve always been independent like you. I’ve never been very trusting, particularly with spoiled rich kids. So I had to... I had to learn to trust while he had to learn to open up.”
I’m breathing raggedly, listening with every cell of my body. “I... I thought I had.” My voice wobbles because I’m not defending myself. I’m recognizing that everything I’ve gone through in the past three months might not have been obvious for the rest of the world to see.
Including Dan.
“Did you let him know that?” Savannah asked. Very soft. Almost gentle.
“I... I don’t know.”
I assumed my feelings and what I want out of our relationship was obvious to him, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he’s as much in the dark about it as I am about his feelings.
With a tidal wave of urgency, I run to grab my phone on the kitchen table. I tap out in a blurry rush, I’m sorry! Maybe you didn’t already know, but I do want this to be real.
I hit Send on the text before I can second-guess myself or work myself into a panic at putting my heart out for Dan to stomp on if he wants.
“I told him,” I say with a harsh gasp, looking up from my phone.
“Good,” Savannah replies. “You did all you could. So now we’ll just see.”
We all wait in silence as I stare fixedly down at my phone screen, hoping for a reply or at least the three dots indicating he’s responding.
A text doesn’t come through at all.
What happens instead is that there’s a sudden pounding on the front door less than a minute after I sent the message.
I run in a blur to the door and swing it open. Dan is standing on the stoop, panting loudly and gazing at me with his heart in his eyes.
I open my mouth in utter shock.
“I love you!” he bursts out. Then blinks like he surprised himself.
I make a weird little squeak.
“I love you, Vicky,” he says again. “Completely. All the way. So much that it feels like my head might fly right off my body. What we have is real, and I never should have let you doubt it. I love you. I’m sorry I’m only telling you now.”
I burst into tears and throw myself into his arms at exactly the same time.
He wraps his arms around me tightly, holding me against him as I sob into his shirt. Fortunately, the storm of emotion only lasts a minute.
Then I can pull away, beaming at him wetly. “I love you too.”
His face contorts briefly with feelings he can’t quite hide. “That’s good then.”
I blink as my mind starts to catch up. “How the hell did you get back here so fast? I just texted you a minute ago.”
He huffs in dry amusement, reaching over to cup my cheek. “I never left. I didn’t want to creep you all out, so I pulled out of the driveway. But I just parked on the street farther down the block. I... I couldn’t leave you.”
I give a little whimper as I process what he’s saying, but fortunately I don’t fall apart again.
“So your car is still down the block?”
“Yes. As soon as I got your text, I jumped out and ran back here.”
“I guess that’s why you’re out of breath.”
He laughs again, his whole body shaking. “That’s one reason.”
He hugs me again. Then finds my lips in an urgent, emotional kiss. Then I finally take his hand and guide him back inside.
Savannah, Jim, and Esther are all still in the living room, pretending not to eavesdrop. But they’re all grinning openly, so it’s clear they heard every word.
***
T WO HOURS LATER, I’M climbing into bed at Dan’s apartment.
We didn’t spend very much time at Jim and Esther’s since they go to bed early. So we left at the same time as Savannah and came back here to collapse.
It’s been less than a month since we got married and I started spending nights here. This apartment doesn’t really feel like home yet, but it doesn’t matter.
Dan is here, so it’s exactly where I want to be.
I took a quick shower when we got back because I was feeling all sloppy from crying and too much emotion. Then I put on one of Dan’s T-shirts before I got under the covers.
He’s taking a shower now, but he’ll be out soon.
I really can’t believe this is happening. That everything I wanted might actually come true.
Sure, I used to dream about it, but it’s been a long time since I believed it was possible for me.
I turned off all the lights except the lamp on Dan’s side of the bed. There’s plenty of light to see clearly when he comes out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but white boxer briefs and smelling like soap and toothpaste. His hair is damp around the edges. His legs and arms don’t look fully dried.
He’s gorgeous and sexy and brimming with warm feelings and utterly irresistible.
And mine .
He’s all mine.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” he says as he sets his phone on its magnetic charger and then climbs into bed beside me.
“That’s exactly what I was thinking too. I’m not the kind of girl to get the best guy. I’m the kind of girl who works and tries and daydreams but never has her dreams come true.”
“Well, something is wrong with a world where that was true.” He rolls over right beside me on his side and props his head on one arm. “Wait, you really think I’m the best guy?”
I choke on a laugh at his clueless sweetness. “Yes, of course you’re the best guy. Don’t you already know that?”
“No, I didn’t. I’ve just always assumed I’m the guy who everyone likes well enough but nobody...”
When he trails off, I frown and reach up to touch his cheek.
“Nobody loves,” he concludes in a self-conscious mumble.
Touched, I pull him down into a hug. “Well, something is wrong with a world where that was true,” I whisper. “But if it was true before, it definitely isn’t now.”
He shakes a few times—like an overflow of feeling—and then he readjusts to take some of his weight off me, using his forearms to support his upper body. “So tell me exactly when you fell in love with me,” he says with a teasing lilt in his voice.
“I don’t even know.” My cheeks are warming but not in a bad way. It’s a kind of vulnerability that feels good. Safe. “I know for sure it started that night you took me to the observatory in Charlotte. You really thought about me, about what I’d like, and tried to do something special for me. That was when I could really feel my heart in danger.”
“Why in danger?” he asks, a slight frown dimming the soft joy in his expression. “Did you really think I was some kind of player?”
“No! Of course not. Never for an instant. I knew you were a good guy. But I just never for even a moment believed you would take me seriously. That you would fall for someone like me. You were some kind of... of a dream man. And dream men only fall for me in my dreams.”
He chuckles at that. “Couldn’t you see I was already crazy about you?”
“Wh-what?”
“I was already crazy about you then. I was crazy about you before I ever asked you to fake the engagement. The first time I saw you, I was utterly transfixed. Ask anyone.”
I’m so startled and fluttery by that revelation that I can barely speak. I stare up at him, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, for way too long.
“You’re seriously surprised to hear this?” Dan shakes his head, clearly bewildered by my cluelessness.
“Yes! Of course I am. You didn’t act... I mean, I didn’t know you before, so I assumed the way you acted with me was the way you always acted. How was I supposed to know?”
“I don’t know. Maybe take a look at my face? Or listen to the things I was saying to you? Or notice that I could barely keep my hands off you?” He’s light and laughing and fond—clearly not at all resentful that I failed to pick up clues.
“But... I mean... How was...?” I burst into helpless giggles. “Are you saying it was some sort of love at first sight?”
“No. Not really. It was infatuation at first sight, no question. But once I got to know you, it transformed into love pretty quick. Carlton was right. I did ask a few other women to marry me first—just folks I already knew and thought I could get along with. And I’m so sorry if that hurts or embarrasses you. I didn’t know you then. But ever since I met you, there’s only been you for me. You’re the only one I was really hoping would take me up on the offer. You should have seen how disappointed I was after you said no the first time. It’s always only been you for me.” He pauses. “Didn’t I make it clear the first time we had sex that I was totally into you?”
“Uh...” My voice catches, and I have to clear my throat. “I assumed it was mostly an... an attraction thing.”
“It was attraction. And a whole lot more on top of that.” He kisses me gently. “Vicky, I’ve been totally gone on you for a really long time, but I knew you were hesitant and not sure about things, so I was trying to be a decent person and give you space and time.”
“You did do that.” I twine my arms around his neck. “You’ve been incredibly patient and understanding. I can’t believe all this time I was talking myself out of wanting you, you were already wanting me.”
He kisses me again, and this one lasts longer.
But eventually he pulls away. “But I do want to say this before we get distracted by other things. I’m so sorry about earlier tonight. You were asking me to open up to you and tell you the truth, and I was... I was so scared to do it. Because I didn’t know my feelings were returned. I knew we’d gotten closer, but you were still holding a lot back. And it felt like too much of a risk to make myself completely vulnerable. I’d... I’d never done it before.”
“I know that. I knew that. I was wanting the same thing, and it was wrong for me to put the responsibility entirely on you. I need to be vulnerable too. Just as much as you do. So... so I’m going to keep working on that.”
“Me too.”
This time when he kisses me, nothing gets in the way.
***
T HE NEXT DAY IS A FRIDAY .
Dan decides to call in with a personal day so he can hang out with me.
I would call in too, but it’s really hard for my boss to find a last-minute substitute for my responsibilities. He usually does them himself and has to reduce the tasks those days to the basics of feeding and letting the pets out. I can’t stand to leave all my sweet dogs without their normal walks if I have any other choice, so I only call in if I’m genuinely sick.
So I go through with my normal schedule, and Dan comes along with me.
It’s a really good day.
I have no doubt this giddy haze that’s illuminating everything with gold will eventually wear off, but I might as well enjoy it while I can.
My late afternoon walk consists of three dogs at a time. We’ve just dropped the final one off, so I’m done for the day. Dan takes my hand as we walk the mile back to Lock-N-Leash where we left my car after lunch.
Dan has been quiet for longer than normal, so I glance up to check his face. He smiles down at me. “So...”
My heart gives a little jump, and I don’t even know why. “So, what?”
“So is it okay if we... if we get some things into concrete terms?”
I blink. “Of course.”
“I don’t want to be too pushy or presumptuous, but as you know, I’m a secret type A. I like things settled clearly in my mind.”
I can’t help but laugh. “I like that too. So settle away.”
“We love each other. And we’re together for real.”
I can’t really tell from the pitch of his voice whether those are statements or questions. “Yes. Of course.”
“We’re married. But the marriage was definitely far more rushed than the relationship. So do we want to...?”
Enlightenment dawns as I realize what he’s trying to figure out. “Well, I don’t really know. I agree it’s rushed if we’re assuming a normal timeline. And I agree that, although we’re both all in already, normally I wouldn’t think getting married right now is the best of all ideas.”
He nods and squeezes my hand. “So what should we do? I want us to be... to make good decisions, but I also really don’t want to get divorced from you.”
“I don’t either. I think we should stay married. But for the purposes of our relationship, we can kind of leave it in the background. So if we feel it’s better for us to make decisions that a normal married couple wouldn’t make as we progress, that’s okay.”
Dan blows out a breath. “Okay. That sounds perfect. I’m all for being mature and reasonable, but I wouldn’t be at all okay with you not being my wife, now that you are.”
With a little laugh, I pull him down into a quick kiss. “Same here.”
“So let’s say this. We go through with our relationship in whatever way feels right for us at any given moment. Then, on our first anniversary, we can decide for sure whether we want this marriage to be forever.”
Next year seems very far away, but time has a way of going quickly. I mostly feel like I’m ready to make a forever declaration right now, but I’ve been very nervous and hesitant for a very long time. Hearts come together in a way that feels miraculous, but they don’t change into something entirely new overnight. They need room to grow.
“That sounds perfect,” I tell him.
“By then you’ll be making plans for grad school,” he says, “and we’ll have to be making some big life changes. So at that point it will make sense to make things final. But until then we can give ourselves as much time as we need.” He pauses again. Clears his throat. “Assuming we’re exclusive. I’m fine with taking our time, but I’m not fine with you running off and seeing other guys.”
I can’t seem to stop giggling. “I have no desire to see any other guys. Ever again. I promise.”
“Good. Because you’re it for me too, and I don’t see that ever changing.”
Nothing he could have said would make me feel better than that.
***
O N SUNDAY AFTERNOON , we go to the coffee shop to hang out, and we find a bunch of our friends there.
They all seem to know something has changed between me and Dan. I’m not exactly sure how they know. Maybe it’s obvious on our faces. But they’re happy and congratulatory, and Carlton somberly apologizes for putting his foot in his mouth—as he’s been repeatedly informed he did—and messing things up.
I accept his apologies with no hard feelings, explaining his accidental stumblings might have been exactly the push Dan and I needed to get certain things said.
Dan and I are sitting together on the love seat, pressed up against each other and his arm around me. The others tease him for falling for me at first sight. Joey explains that she was actually there when Dan saw me for the first time, and she knew he was a goner from that moment on.
I’m flushed and self-conscious but smiling at the teasing. And I come to the realization that Dan is wrong about no one loving him for real.
These people don’t just like him. They care about him sincerely and deeply. They love him.
I can’t wait until we’re alone so I can share that recognition with him.
As the afternoon progresses, I have another revelation.
These people are my friends too. And with time I’ll probably feel as close to them as Dan does.
I’ve never had a group of friends before. I’ve never had a place where I felt fully known and at home.
I’ve never had a relationship where I felt truly loved.
All of it has happened, somehow springing out of a fake, practical engagement.
I have no idea what the future will hold for me and Dan, but I know—I’m sure—that it will only get better from here.