Chapter Fifteen #2
“I guess in my line of work it isn’t unusual to not see each other in person very often.
You make a relationship happen however you can, whether it’s phone calls, or letters, or the occasional visit.
I suppose in my circles, none of this feels particularly fast at all.
When you live like we do, with the uncertainty that constantly hangs over our heads, time moves a little differently.
Sometimes you move quickly because you don’t know if that’s all you’ll have. ”
Nothing about his lifestyle sounded appealing. In fact, it sounded downright awful and left her with a sinking feeling in her stomach.
“That’s not you,” Joe observed.
“No, it’s not.”
“What are you looking for?”
“I’m still figuring that out,” Vivian admitted.
“I’m only twenty-four. I know plenty of women my age are already married and having kids, but it feels so young to me.
I didn’t have much stability growing up.
After my dad died—even before—there wasn’t a place where I felt like I could be at peace.
I didn’t have a home. I had four walls that changed constantly depending on which bills my mother couldn’t pay or the new man who swept her off her feet and promised to take all her troubles away until he just became another one of them.
“And I told myself I wouldn’t be like that.
That I wouldn’t be like her. That I wouldn’t let myself be twisted up in knots for some man, that I wouldn’t lose myself like I watched her do time and time again, that I wouldn’t lose sight of what was important.
My job is important to me. Being independent is important to me.
It makes me feel—” How could she explain it?
“Knowing that I can take care of myself makes me feel safe.”
Joe was quiet, and she could tell he was giving what she said a great deal of thought.
“My lifestyle won’t make you feel safe.”
“No, it won’t.”
And yet, she was still here.
“It’s going to be rough, being with me. My job is dangerous, and unpredictable, and the Air Force doesn’t care about my family, doesn’t care about much else besides the mission.
I get paid pennies to do what I do, and our life is never going to be fancy.
We’re going to move every couple of years, and I won’t get much of a say in where I go, or when I go, or how long I’m there.
There will be years where I’ll be gone more than I’m home. It’s a hell of a life.”
“You’re really selling it to me,” Vivian joked, even though her voice was shaking, because she had a feeling he was building up to something, something she wasn’t ready for.
“I just want to be honest with you. There are a lot of guys out there who are richer, and smarter, and could offer you the stability you’re looking for.
I know that. I feel selfish for even asking you to choose me when I know how hard it’s going to be, but I learned a long time ago to go after what I want, to take my shot when it comes.
“I love you, Viv. For as long as you want me, as long as you’ll have me, I’m yours.” Joe took a deep, shaky breath. “If it’s alright with you, I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Vivian stilled for a moment, and then suddenly, she had to move, the nervous energy coursing through her.
When she was a kid and life became overwhelming for her, the urge to flee could be all-consuming, and now it had her getting up from the bed, needing to put space between them, needing to think.
“Spend the rest of my life with you” sounded a lot like a promise, a commitment with all kinds of strings attached.
Vivian sank down on the chair in the corner of her room, hugging her knees to her chest, studying him.
It was easier to think when Joe wasn’t right next to her, when she couldn’t feel the heat from his body, when he wasn’t so close that she could reach out and touch him and forget all the reasons that this was a spectacularly bad idea.
“You should see your face,” Joe whispered, raking his hand through his hair.
He looked a little stunned himself.
“Shit.” Joe crouched down next to her until they were eye level. “Too soon?”
Vivian laughed, gazing at him through watery eyes.
“I’ve been trying to hold it back—the forever part,” he added. “I know this is a lot for you, that it takes some time for you to warm up to this stuff. I figured I’d save an impending marriage proposal for a better time, not right after the world escaped a nuclear war. Sorry about that.”
There were a million things she wanted to say, a million questions and protestations running through her mind.
He was right—this was big. Flying terrified her, but knowing on top of it that he wanted to go to space?
It was a whole unknown, an uncharted path that few had gone down.
She’d seen the astronauts and their families on television, observed the way the whole country looked at them like they were celebrities, heroes, and gods all rolled into one.
How did you prepare for a thing like that?
How did you welcome a thing like that into your life?
But when a man like Joe got down onto his knees in front of you and offered you forever, how did you walk away? How could she turn her back on this feeling inside her?
“Is this a proposal?” Vivian asked.
Joe was silent for a moment that stretched on between them, and she thought of his earlier warning of what it would be like to be with someone like him, and while Vivian couldn’t say she completely understood what she was getting herself into—how could anyone when the future stretched before you as a vast unknown—something in his eyes, in the way he looked at her told her everything she needed to know.
“Do you want it to be one?” Joe asked, his voice steady.
For a heartbeat, she hesitated.
In this moment, if someone asked her how she saw things working out between them, she would have told them the absolute truth.
She had no idea.
It seemed impossible.
Their careers took them in different directions.
Their lifestyles could not have been more distinct.
He lived in Italy. She lived in D.C.
But she thought about what the last two weeks had been like, the threat of nuclear war looming before them, how much she’d worried about him, and at the end of the day, the little things just didn’t seem to matter as much.
Vivian nodded, the emotion of the moment overwhelming.
Joe took a deep breath, his chest heaving slightly with the effort, and for the first time since they’d met, it occurred to her that he looked unsure of himself, of the risk he was taking and his odds of success.
“Will you marry me?” he asked her.
She leapt.
“Yes.”