Chapter 16 #2
“Why?” he asked suspiciously.
“Because I love you. Now pass me anything else you want cleaned and I’ll throw it in the machine.”
Ten minutes later he was dressed in track-pants and the cleanest t-shirt he could find, while the washing machine whirred away gently. He cupped his mug of hot tea and sipped. “Thanks for all this.”
“How about you tell me what’s been going on?”
So he did.
Beth’s eyes widened as he shared, her face wreathing in pleats as he explained about Aisling and his vow. Then explained about what had happened last night, courtesy of Grady.
“Look, I can understand you want to do things better this time around, and you don’t want to have another Greta in your life.”
“I sure don’t.”
“And I can see why you might think keeping away from women is what God wants. But what if it’s not?”
“What do you mean?”
“I wonder if you’re so stuck on trying to prove yourself to God that you’ve decided to ignore the obvious signs He keeps throwing your way.”
“Like?”
“Like the fact she’s here in Cork. Did you know that?”
He shrugged. “She might’ve decided to come once she found out where I live.”
“Come on, that’s rubbish. She would’ve had to have picked her course last year, wouldn’t she?”
Now he thought about it, “yes.”
“And then she’s at your school. Like, can you have a more obvious sign than that?”
Okay, there was no way Aisling could have orchestrated that. Especially when, from what Patrick and Moira had told him, hers had been a last-minute change.
Still, he had to protest. “Why are you suddenly looking at all this and saying it’s God?”
“Because maybe, just maybe, I can’t help but see that some of what my brother says he believes doesn’t add up to what he actually does.”
Offense reared. “What do you mean? Are you calling me a hypocrite?”
“Look, I’m just saying that if you claim that God is full of grace and mercy, why would He suddenly demand you stay away from the woman who made you smile and laugh again?”
He shook his head. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I just don’t trust myself.”
“Don’t trust yourself how? To not have sex with her?”
Wow. Beth really didn’t mind going there. “No. I just don’t want another woman getting in the way of my relationship with God.”
“Why do you see it like that? Why can’t you see that she might be someone who helps you in your relationship with God? She’s a Christian, right?”
“Yes.”
“So already she’s going to be more likely to share similar values and help you progress in God rather than leading you into ways that make you stumble. She’s not Greta, Andy.”
He sighed. “I know that.”
“Then why are you punishing yourself like this? Why are you punishing her?”
He winced. “I never meant to hurt her.” But he knew now that he had caused her pain.
“God doesn’t need you to flagellate yourself with some kind of penance. He’s a lot more gracious than that. You don’t earn God’s favour by trying to prove yourself as good enough.”
“It wasn’t like that,” he mumbled.
“Wasn’t it?”
Okay, maybe it was. Sorry, Lord.
“And sure, make a vow to God, but it’s not like the Nazarites in the Bible who swore to never eat grapes or cut their hair.
You’re not meant to be Samson. You’re meant to be Andy.
And the Andy I know loves to run, loves to teach, loves his karaoke.
And he needs someone who makes him feel free like that again.
Not bound in some religious way of thinking that God will be more pleased with him if he’s suffering.
Why do you think that?” she asked in a softer voice.
He paused. Was it because when he’d suffered in that time when Greta had rejected him that he’d found a deeper knowledge and appreciation of God’s love? Maybe. And maybe this was something like a guardrail he wanted to keep him on the straight and narrow.
He tried to explain some of that, which met with her shaken head.
“Andy, God loves you. He’s not trying to punish you. Hey, I’m only saying this because I care about my baby brother.” She ruffled his hair.
“Please don’t.”
She laughed, as—of course!—that only made her ruffle harder.
“You’re really annoying, you know that?”
“I do. And I’m very secure in my capacity as your annoying older sister which means it’s my duty to annoy you.”
“You do it really well,” he grumbled.
“Thank you.”
He threw a cushion at her, and she stopped. But still eyed him softly. “Maybe instead of beating yourself up about the past you should finally accept God’s forgiveness for all you’ve done.”
“What do you mean?”
“God has come to set you free, Andy. Not just free from shame and guilt, but free to walk tall into the future God has for you. And if God has brought you into the path of someone who is smart and kind and fun and as gorgeous as you described, then don’t you think there’s a chance she might be yet another one of God’s mercies for you? ”
Beth’s words stuck him hard in the heart. Yes, there was a chance. And judging from the way Aisling kept popping unexpectedly into his life, it even seemed like a good chance.
A God-given chance? Maybe. Was he willing to risk it? Or was risk just another way of saying almost trusting God?
He didn’t want to be the man who almost trusted. He wanted to be the one who really did trust God.
“Go away.”
“So rude.”
“I need to pray.”
“Okay then. Love you.”
“Love you too,” he muttered, as she finally left and he could finally breathe in the silence of the room. Just him and God.
“Hey God, I’m sorry if that vow thing was a dumb idea. I guess it shows I haven’t really been trusting You like I thought.”
Because now he realised trusting God meant actually trusting. Which meant doing something other than letting fear stop him. Which meant stepping out into the unknown, knowing he’d fall short but God never would. And knowing that because God was almighty, He’d always be there to pick Andy up.
And because it felt like a day when comparisons to Bible men of old was in the air, he prayed some more.
“Lord, I don’t want to be like Gideon with the fleece, but if You have brought Aisling into my life for my future, then please give me another sign that this can be resolved between us.
It seems impossible, like something only You can fix.
But I’m willing to trust You with it all. ”
And he closed his eyes and opened his hands and finally felt peace.