Chapter 15
Fifteen
Rhys ought to have been in bed. Sleeping.
It had been a most troubling evening, one that he wanted to put behind him, and possibly even forget.
While he had known that going to supper at Lord and Lady Fairview’s home had been a risk, he had not considered just how risky it would be…
and how much worse it would make things for him.
What else could I have done? Should I have said nothing? Should I have let them mock her?
That was an option that did not much appeal to Rhys, and while he did not regret what he had said, he knew that he would likely come to regret the consequences of his words.
Unable to find sleep, he found himself wandering through his home. He had nowhere to go, so he let his feet lead him, and it was not a surprise when they saw him enter Lucy’s nursery.
Although the room was dark, he could not ignore how much brighter and warmer it felt than when he had first had it made.
The white walls were painted now; one blue, one yellow, one green.
And on the fourth wall was a mural which depicted a fairytale scene of various mythical creatures playing together under a rainbow.
It was unlike anything that he could have devised, which was not a surprise, and only served to remind him further just how out of his depth he was.
Nonetheless, he crept across the room to Lucy’s cot. She was fast asleep, but she held in her arms that same wooden horse that she had given him a week ago.
He smiled as he watched her sleep. And he smiled further when he imagined what her dreams might be. She looked happy and perfectly at peace, as if she did not have a care in the world.
How nice that might feel.
Rhys had done so much wrong in his life. Always, his thoughts returned to his sister and how he had driven her away. Had he been a different type of man, he would have stopped and listened to her, he would have considered her position, he would have…
No, there was no point thinking about what ifs and maybes. The sad fact was, Rhys was not that person, and what he did was done precisely because he did not know any other way.
But he wanted to do better. He was determined to change. And as he looked down at Lucy, as he saw her smile and sleep peacefully, he dared to tell himself that he was changing.
For all the wrong that he had done, adopting her was the right thing. And while it might not bring Eleanor back, while it might not help him to find his nephew, it would at least ease some of the guilt that he carried daily.
But is it too late? No matter how much good I do now, does it even matter?
That was a thought that he struggled with often. Worse still, he wondered if he had changed. That he was doing this to try and right his wrongs was surely proof that he was not a better man. He wanted to help Lucy because it was the right thing, but he was always led by his guilty conscience.
What would it take to prove that he had changed? What did he need to do to escape his guilt? And was such a thing even possible?
“She is a sound sleeper…” the soft voice drifted from behind Rhys.
He did not turn, for he knew who had spoken. But he smiled to himself, still with his eyes on Lucy. “Easy to do when you have not a care in the world. I envy it.”
“As do I,” Violet said. He heard her footsteps slowly walk across the room and towards him.
“And what is it that you have to be concerned with?” he asked her, still smiling gently. “Your debts are cleared. Your sister’s future is secure. And Lucy…” He watched her a moment more. “Lucy has a life that she deserves. She is loved, looked after. You did that.”
Violet moved behind him, but she did not stand next to him at the cot. He felt her watching him, rather than Lucy, just as he felt her worry.
“There is always something to worry over,” she said. “Even when there is not…” She laughed softly. “I have spent so long with such burdens that they are hard to simply forget.”
“I know the feeling,” Rhys sighed. “I fear it is my natural state. No matter how good things are, I will always find something to trouble me.”
“As will I,” she said. “Maybe when this one grows up…” She laughed again. “Maybe then, I will finally sleep easily.”
Rhys chuckled at the banter.
They had been married for a week, and still he could not stop himself being impressed by Violet. Where he wanted to help Lucy because he hoped that it would make him feel better about his past, she wanted to do it for no other reason than that she was a good person.
In some ways, it made Rhys feel like a fraud. In others, it inspired him beyond what words could describe.
His marriage to Violet had been for pure convenience, and not once did he consider that by being around her, she might inspire him to be better. More than that, he wondered often if, when he changed—if such a thing was possible—it might make him happy.
And could I ever be happy with Violet? Not because of her, but for her…
He turned from the cot so that he could get a better look at her. She stood in darkness so that she was little more than a shadow. Still, her eyes glowed in the dark, watching him always, and with a look that was not judgmental or cautious, but honest and open… even happy to see him.
And that single look made Rhys stand a little taller. It pushed away his doubt and self-loathing. It made him want to be the person who she saw.
“What are you doing awake?” he asked her.
“I could not sleep,” she said. “I was thinking about tonight and…” She hesitated and he saw her lips purse together in the dark. “You did not have to stand up for me, Rhys.”
“I told you I did,” he said. “And please, do not thank me again. I did not do it for that reason.”
“I know,” she said, smiling at him. “I was wrong about you, you know. When we first met, I was so sure…” A shake of the head.
“I convinced myself that you had some duplicitous motive. I was so certain that you wanted something. In my mind, there was just no way that you could be good, that you would do anything for the right reasons.”
He winced, and he was glad for the darkness. “But were you wrong? What if you were more right than you realize?”
She scoffed, but it was playful. “Are you trying to convince yourself or me?”
“I do want to help Lucy, Violet. That was not a lie. Only…” He looked away as if worried she might see the shame in his eyes. “I want to do it so that I will not feel such guilt over what happened with Eleanor. My motives are not nearly as pure as you pretend.”
“Rhys, that is not…” She took a step towards him. “Everyone has a past, Rhys. Everyone has demons they are trying to escape. But most refuse to admit to them, and few dare to try and make a difference as you are doing.”
“You do not,” he said. “You help people, Violet. And not because you are trying to prove something, but because it is who you are.”
She laughed. “Is that what you think?”
“Am I wrong?”
She did not speak at first. Lips pressed together, he saw in her eyes the wheels turning behind her head. She was trying to find an excuse of some kind, a way to make him feel better. And that she would go to such lengths… again, she was a better person than he deserved.
“I might have married you because of Lucy,” she began as she took another step closer, now standing less than two feet away. “But I did it because of my debts, too. Those reasons were selfish.”
“No,” he dismissed. “You did it to save your sister. The debts were irrelevant.”
She sighed. “I think you have far too high an opinion of me.”
“That is because you deserve it,” he said honestly. “You, Violet. You are…” He was sure to look right at her, speaking in a whisper, so soft that even he barely heard it. “You are such a good person, and Lucy is lucky to have you.”
“As she is lucky to have you.”
“No.” Another shake of his head. “She is lucky that I convinced you to marry me. I am… I am little more than a roof over her head.”
“Safety, you mean,” she pointed out. “As all children need.”
“I thought they needed love?”
“Why not both?” she responded with a coy smile.
“It is funny, in some ways. You and I have such different opinions on what love is, but neither of us is correct. Really, we are both wrong, and we are both right. I think a child needs love, you think they need safety, but the reality is that they need both.”
He chuckled at that. “Which is why this marriage works. As strange as it is.”
“Is it strange?”
“It is certainly not normal.”
“Oh, who wants normal?” she said with soft laughter.
It had been an easier week than Rhys could believe. Barring that single silly argument about the nursery, he and Violet managed to find a mode of comfort that worked perfectly. While Violet gave Lucy love, he gave her security, and together they gave her a home.
And it was because of that ease of doing things that Rhys no longer saw Violet as the stubborn, argumentative woman who he had only married because she served a purpose.
He no longer saw her as an imposition, someone who he was certain he would hardly think about once they married.
And he certainly no longer saw her as someone to compete with for Lucy’s affection. What he saw instead was…
She is everything else, that which I avoided for so long, and exactly what I have needed…
“Violet, I…” Rhys choked on his words.
He did not know what he wanted to say, or how to say it. All he knew was how he felt. It was not what he expected, he still did not fully understand it, and there was much of him that would have preferred it if it was not the case.
However, considering the way he felt at that moment, not to mention how Violet was looking at him, he dared to wonder… to dream… could he have more?
“Yes?” Violet perked up a little, hope in her eyes. “What is it?”
Rhys’ pulse quickened as he looked at Violet through the dark. His body tingled from his fingers through to his legs. Some of it was excitement, much of it was fear, and he fought back the urge to step into her as he knew he wanted to do.
His eyes flicked to her lips. His mouth salivated as he imagined kissing her. He wanted to! He wanted to ignore the warning in his head, believing that he not only deserved this but that he needed it… as she did too.
But he froze. His mind cast back to his past, what he had done and his reasons.
He had avoided anything close to marriage and what that might lead to for so long, not because he wanted to be alone, but because it was what he felt he deserved.
And should he risk bringing someone else into his world, someone to trust and care for, he was sure he would only hurt them.
Eleanor is proof of that…
“Nothing,” he said quickly and sharply, looking away. “I… I need to sleep. It is late and I… it has been a long day.” He felt her watching him, as if she knew what had been on his mind. And as she did, he hoped that she would finish what he had started.
“Yes,” she said, taking a step back. “That is for the best. And we would not want to wake up Lucy.”
He grimaced, almost upset that she accepted his dismissal so quickly.
“Good night, Violet.” He looked at her a final time, and he saw once again exactly what she felt for him… that sense of hope, belief that he was more than he said of himself, and that he could be a better man.
“Goodnight, Rhys,” she said softly.
He forced an awkward smile, put his head down, and rushed from the room. And it was only when he was alone, able to parcel his thoughts and make sense of them, that he realized how close he had come to making a terrible mistake.
Worse than that, he doubted that he had the self-control to resist such a mistake again, if it presented itself. And from how Violet had looked at him, he doubted that she was the same.
It had begun as a marriage of convenience, but somehow, it had turned into so much more.
But was that a good thing? Was it something to encourage, or run away from? If only Rhys had an answer.