Chapter 30
I can’t go on this picnic with Tai. I can’t get Hayley’s reaction to seeing me bald out of my head, and I can’t go on this picnic with Tai.
I can’t stop crying for more than ten minutes, and I can’t go on this picnic with Tai.
I can’t think of an excuse to cancel, but I can’t go on this picnic with Tai.
Anyone sensing a theme to the mantra repeating in my head right now?
Saying I have to work is futile because the library is closed today, so Tai will know right away that I’m lying.
Telling him I’m not feeling well would only backfire and he’d probably want to come over to take care of me.
I could make up an elaborate story of an opossum getting into the house and attacking Kitty Purry and now I need to rush her to the animal hospital, but he’d probably want to come along with me to that too.
But how can I be with him right now? How can I see him and not imagine his soft, adoring eyes changing to resemble the disgust in Brett’s or the pity in Hayley’s?
How can I bear being near him when his presence is only going to remind me of what I almost had and was once again viciously snatched from my grasp?
I can’t. And I can’t talk to him about any of this because I’d have to reveal my secret and we know how well that went over last night.
The only thing left to do is to go back to how things were before.
Before I ever entertained the idea that maybe I could be a heroine.
Before the baseball game and the kiss that ruined me for life.
Go back to pretending that Tai doesn’t make my stomach flip with his charming grin.
That the way he focuses his attention on me doesn’t make me feel like I’m the only woman in the world who could make him happy.
Go back to trying to convince myself of his insincerity. That none of this means anything.
The doorbell rings, and I take in a deep shaky breath, dabbing my eyes to make sure the moisture from my past tears has dried. I can’t let him know anything is wrong. I can’t have him worming his way farther into my heart. I can’t let him kiss me.
I open the door and force a bright smile on my face. “Right on time.”
His gaze sweeps over me appreciatively, the way it always does when he sees me again after any time apart. I should’ve expected it. I should’ve prepared myself. Instead, the gleam of desire in his eyes as they track my body is a jagged edge slicing away at my barely there composure.
He leans in to give me a kiss, but I turn my head and his lips land on my cheek. He pulls back and studies me, concerned. “Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
I breeze past him, my fake smile in place. “Why would something be wrong?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I asked.” He opens the passenger door for me, and I slide in.
After he shuts the door, everything in me wilts. I don’t know if I have the energy to keep up this false cheeriness for long.
Tai settles behind the wheel and turns the car on. “How was your visit with your grandparents yesterday?” he asks as he pulls out of my driveway.
I can feel his eyes on me every so often before focusing back on the road again. I keep my own attention fixedly out the windshield. “Fine.”
“Just fine?”
“Yep.”
He studies me for as long as he safely can while driving. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Fine again, huh?”
“Yep.” I’m still not looking at him. Add that to my can’ts list.
He sighs and rakes a hand through his hair, frustration coming off him in waves.
He tries a few more times to start a conversation, but I can only muster one-word responses.
By the time he pulls the car over at the Chilhowee overlook, I’m exhausted from faking it and he looks like he wants to shake me until I crack.
He puts the car in neutral and engages the emergency brake, turning to look at me head-on now that he doesn’t have to focus on driving. I keep staring out the windshield.
“Angel, please talk to me.”
“I am talking to you. See my lips moving? Hear the words coming out of my mouth? Talking.” I’m trying to be funny, to lighten the mood, but it’s falling flat, even to my ears.
He exhales another long, slow sigh. He’s losing his patience, and I can’t really blame him. “Will you please at least look at me?”
The muscle in my jaw ticks as I brace and force myself to do what he asks.
“Why are you doing this?” he whispers.
“Doing what?” If I play dumb, maybe he’ll let me off the hook. I can’t take much more. Already my eyes are burning with the threat of more tears. My chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it, and if I don’t get out of this car soon, I’m going to lose what little control I have.
“This.” His voice is earnest. “Acting like nothing happened between us. I woke up this morning, and the first thing I thought about was seeing you again. I thought we were finally on the same page. What happened between yesterday and today?”
My throat is thick with emotions, making it hard to swallow. I don’t want to hurt Tai, but I don’t know how else to get him to stop making my heart bleed. “I’m holding up my end of the bargain. What more do you want from me?”
“Forget our deal,” he explodes, patience completely gone from his voice. “We have never been about that stupid agreement and you know it.”
“I made my position quite clear from the beginning. You’re the one who manipulated the situation. If you don’t like the terms now, you can always just take me home.”
He considers what I say for about a tenth of a second. “No. You don’t want to fight for us, that’s fine. I’ll fight hard enough for the both of us.”
“There is no us, Tai.” It hurts so much to say that.
To let go of that tiny sliver of a hope that maybe I’d been wrong before.
That maybe I could have a love of my own and that this man in front of me would be that love.
But if Hayley can’t even bear to look at me without my wig the same way that she did with it, then there’s little chance of things going differently with Tai.
“That’s where you’re wrong. There was an us the moment you spied on me between the bookshelves, and there will be an us until we’re both old and gray.” He reaches over and grabs my cold hand. “I’m not giving up. Not until you finally let me love you the way you deserve.”
The muscles in my throat push past the lump as I swallow. My eyes lower, catching on my pale hand in Tai’s tanned one. Some of the tightness around my eyes loosens. I want his words to be true so badly, but they’re destined to be a fantasy never realized.
We get out of the car, and Tai retrieves the blanket and picnic basket from his trunk. There’s a grassy spot away from the road but not too close to the edge of the mountain where he unfolds the blanket and lays it on the ground.
I lower myself onto a corner of the quilt and tuck my legs under me. Speaking is dangerous, but I need to say something to put us on an easier path and defuse this tinderbox between us.
“It’s so beautiful,” I finally manage as I look out over the vista.
The Ocoee River winds below, the crystalline blue water glistening among the lush green of the Cherokee Forest. A hilled peak rises above the rest, standing sentinel, its imposing presence forcing the river to bow to it.
“You can see for miles. It’s breathtaking, really. ”
The weight of his gaze settles on my profile, daring me to turn and catch him staring. I don’t, but my cheeks bypass the memo to ignore his attempts of telling intent and infuse with heat instead.
I duck my head to try and hide my blush. “So, what’s on the menu?”
Tai pulls out two paper-wrapped sub sandwiches and a bag of Doritos. He points a slow-forming lopsided grin my way. “Be impressed by my culinary prowess.”
Tension releases in my chest at his endeavor to return to his usual teasing manner. “Well, I’ve heard sandwich-making is an art form.”
“And I won’t be the one to depose you of that belief since it serves me well today.”
My lips curve into a real, albeit small, smile, and I unwrap my sandwich.
“How’s the party planning going for your grandparents’ anniversary?” Tai pops a chip into his mouth.
“You remember that?”
“Of course. I’ve been meaning to ask if you need any help.”
“Really?” I should turn his offer down. Spending more time with him would only be torturing myself.
Then I remember the length of my to-do list. Help wouldn’t be the worst thing. And I doubt Tai will respect my need for distance. Maybe if I at least have him busy doing something useful, his attention will be diverted and I can have a sliver of breathing room when he’s around.
“I’ve got excellent penmanship if you need invitations addressed,” he offers.
I chew on my lip, considering. “Okay, that would be helpful. Thank you.”
Without warning, a strong wind blows from the valley below, gusting over the top of the mountain and sending our napkins cartwheeling out of reach.
Tai makes a dive for the paper products, and I move to help him.
The wind blows even harder, a sharp updraft that whips around our bodies, flinging my wig from my head before I can even suspect a thing.
A scream of horror mixed with deep emotional pain rips from my throat as I throw my arms up and attempt to cover my head and hide my shame. I can’t believe this is happening. Even without wig tape or glue, my cap has always fit as snug as a beanie. How could it have just blown off like that?
I curl into a ball, trying to make myself small, invisible.
I wish I could disappear altogether. Anything to not let Tai see me right now.
Double chins gather at my neck as I press my face as tightly to my chest as I can.
Tears stream down my cheeks, and my eyes are wet and already getting puffy.
My nose is running, and my breath is hot and stuffy in the little cave I’ve made.
My shoulders shake as I cry, and I dig my hands into the base of my skull to help my arms hide my baldness.