Chapter 14
Barbs dug into my ribs with each inhale. No matter which way I lay on the cot, I couldn’t get comfortable. Not when the bond castigated me for merely existing with distance between my mate and me.
Sneaking into his tent after a nightmare hadn’t assuaged it in the slightest, not when I’d bolted like a deer who had spotted a mountain lion. Even days later, I was still furious with myself for letting my guard down. For allowing myself to go to him when I was scared.
For forgetting that he wasn’t safe for me.
What was wrong with me that it mattered so much more when he chased me than when he let me go? Everything I felt for him was a knot so tangled there was no hope of ever tugging it straight.
I flopped onto my back with a huff. The velvet ring box dug into my shoulder. I snatched it out from under the blanket and dropped it on the ground beside me.
Fuck Vaeron for figuring out how to put it in my bed this time.
“Are you planning on sleeping tonight?” Lyriasthe groused, rolling over on her side and releasing a heavy sigh.
I winced. I’d kept her up more and more often lately.
“Trying to,” I muttered.
She flicked white bubble lights into the air, and I blinked, eyes adjusting to the brightness. Only to find her scowling at me.
“Listen, you know I’m your friend, and I would go to the ends of the earth for you, but I have got to rest. These,” she gestured to the purple half moons under her eyes, “will not do me any favors. I’m not effortlessly beautiful like you.”
I snorted a laugh. “Oh, stop, I am not. If anything, the male recruits stare at you more than me.”
“Well, both sexes stare at you, and that’s because you’re the Seraelth.” She offered me a grin like she knew she’d won the argument. “In addition to your looks, of course.”
“Ugh.” I shoved myself upright, reaching my arms overhead for a stretch. “Don’t remind me.”
“Let me sleep and I won’t,” she quipped.
“Has anyone told you that you fight dirty?” I said, reaching for one of my boots.
Lyriasthe raised a creamy white brow. “How else could I have stayed alive?”
“Fair point. I’ll see if I can find a sleeping potion from one of the healers. Hopefully, they have enough herbs so they can keep making them for me.”
She sat upright, blanket sliding down her torso. “I think you need to go to him.”
“No,” I said far too quickly.
“Sylaira, if you don’t, you’re going to crumble. You can’t keep going like this,” she said gently, sympathy softening her features.
“I won’t crumble,” I whispered, but it tasted like a lie. Because I’d already broken, I was still broken, and nothing worse could be done to me. Every time I slid into the embrace of numbness, Vaeron would appear, and then I’d return to the edge of this gaping void.
Lyriasthe flopped back, grumbling under her breath about my relationship.
“I know it’s hard being my friend right now.” I cleared my throat, pulling my shoes on. “I’ll find a draught for tonight, and then tomorrow, I’ll get my own tent.”
Lyriasthe propped her head on her closed fist, studying me. “I’m sorry. I wish I weren’t such a light sleeper.”
I offered her a sad half smile. “It’s fine, I understand.”
Her eyes shone. “Thank you.”
I slipped into the dark, shivering as a breeze swept through the camp.
Few were awake at this hour, save for the night watch and the healers who were available at all hours of the day.
Winding through rows of canvas, soft snores reaching my ears, I followed the flicker of a torch to the healer’s tent.
“Hello?” I called into the open entry, pulling back the flap.
A female started at the sight of me, rubbing her eyes. “Oh, Seraelth, I didn’t see you there.”
I pressed my lips together, irritation nipping at my nerves.
Even the recruits are calling me that to my face now.
“You’re fine,” I told her, hoping my tone emerged level and not annoyed. The title grated. But so too did the fact that she’d clearly been sleeping when I couldn’t snatch an hour’s rest. “Can I have a draught?”
“Of course.” She rose, striding to a chest and rummaging. Glass clinked until she finally pulled out the vial she sought. “This should knock you right out.”
She handed it to me, and I pulled the stopper and tipped the contents into my mouth.
The healer didn’t flick her focus elsewhere, and far too much excitement danced in her expression.
“We use this one all the time at the front. Soldiers with battle trauma often struggle to sleep. And if they don’t sleep, they can’t use their magic.
And we have to use our holy light to defeat the Demons.
Plus, the Amplifiers make a huge difference with everyone else.
Actually, the last time I was there, there was this one Padisa who–”
“Sorry, but I really am tired,” I cut her off before she could continue her breathless soliloquy.
“Apologies, Herra R?viel, it gets lonely at night. Especially since no one is injured yet.” She let out a nervous laugh as I continued to edge toward the open air. “That will change soon enough though!”
“Goodnight,” I muttered, extricating myself from her clutches at last. I needed no reminder of where we were headed. Who I was to the Angels now. How I was lying to everyone.
The burden of guilt grew heavier and heavier with each passing day.
Cool air kissed my skin, though each step was an excruciating ache. I sensed my mate so close—the distance between us nearly unbearable—and yet no matter how hard our bond tugged, I dug my heels in. With him, suffering had always been an inevitability.
The heartbreak hadn’t been the way I’d Seen it, but then again, the future was never entirely certain.
And he thought he was right in tricking me. He’d defended what he did rather than apologizing. Stupidly, I’d fucked him, and still, that hadn’t changed anything.
I reached the head of the night watch, fingers clawing so desperately at my magic, he looked at me with an understandable amount of concern. The draught hadn’t even taken the edge off. Fatigue clung to me like a heavy fog, and yet the rain of sleep wouldn’t fall.
“Seraelth, can I help you?” he asked, brows pinching.
There was that Goddess damn title again.
“Tomorrow,” I gritted out, at war with the magic that wouldn’t retract its claws, “I should like my own tent to sleep in.”
“I can absolutely manage that for you,” he said, though a hint of judgment leaked into his tone. He swept his regard up and down me. Because everyone in this battalion thought I was going to save the Angels—and because they gossiped relentlessly about how my mate and I interacted. Or didn’t.
It had been impossible to hide the hurt between us. Especially when so many eyes tracked our movements. He was the Issaraeth, and even if no one knew he no longer had access to his mighty power, they still feared him. And me? I had a new title to match his.
Standing there beneath the ancient trees, beneath the night that taunted me, one thing became clear: the name wasn’t going away. And somehow, my limbs grew even heavier, my soul even wearier, with the realization.
First my Sight. Then, my persona.
But I could wield the title like I am wielding my power…
“Thank you,” I replied, spinning on my heel and not waiting for him to say something else. Because isolation was my only option to stay sane. I couldn’t stand people looking at me any longer. Couldn’t stand their scrutiny.
Couldn’t stomach the thought that, without the threat of Lyriasthe by my side when I woke from a vision or a nightmare, I might go crawling back to my mate.
By the time I ducked back inside our tent, Lyriasthe was fast asleep, curled up on her side. As quietly as I could, I tugged off my boots and eased myself back onto the cot.
Wiggling the blanket up to my chin, I focused on my breathing, hoping the draught would take hold soon. Each blink as I stared up at the blank canvas brought rest closer.
And closer.
And closer.
Until finally, I sank into a dark abyss where the fate of two realms rested on my shoulders.