Chapter 18
Weeks of working my way through the thousands in the ranks, offering platitudes and words from holy texts, and finally the new recruits seemed to accept what waited for them in Eloi and at the wall beyond.
Though something…odd seemed to be happening inside me. It was like I could sense the subtlest shifts in each male and female’s heart rate, feel the blood in their veins, as crazy as that seemed.
And I hadn’t told anyone. Not even Maelsar. The last thing I needed right now was for someone else to look at me like I was a monster. Tainted. Broken.
Was the bronze threaded in my skin making me lose my sanity? Or was it how my mate had erected a barricade higher than the Skala Mountains?
Her will was an iron brace that kept me from closing the distance between us.
And our bond was displeased.
I wasn’t sure what hurt worse anymore—the metal locking me out of my power or the punishment from our fated connection.
The bond ached as I wound my way through wagons and tents toward wherever she was in the woods, Seeing. To my shock, she hadn’t asked me for more virelthorn. Each evening, she went dutifully with her keepers and fell into her power.
I never tried to pry, even though I knew when one gripped her. The terror that flooded our connection had brought me to my knees on more than one occasion. But I couldn’t go to her. Couldn’t comfort her. Each movement we made was documented and reported.
Althirion pulled me aside nearly daily now when my sister wanted to speak to me—through the mated pair, of course. With his ocean-blue irises, his power was a pittance compared to what rested in my well.
And yet, he held my leash.
I fucking hated it.
A mixed group lounged around a fire, ripping into greasy chicken Maelsar and I had bartered for in the last tiny town in the marsh. The promise of payment by the crown was enough to have them handing over entire flocks.
Neither I nor they knew if they’d ever be paid.
“Even with the training we’re getting now, I don’t think two months is long enough for me to face a Demon in battle,” a navy-eyed female said. Her plate was empty, save for the telltale smears of mashed oats remaining.
“I would be terrified to face off with the Halálhívó,” another said, shrinking into a ball like she could hide from him even now.
“I heard from my brother that he rides into battle naked. His dick is big enough to scare everyone into submission!” A young male said, gesturing with the leg of his chicken.
For the love of the Goddess.
I raked my hand over my face and turned in their direction.
The one beside him laughed and shook his head. “No, you birdshit for brains. He wears a helmet so no one can see his face.”
“He could be bare-assed, save for that,” the first pointed out. “I mean, it’s a great strategy if you think about it. No one would expect–”
“Soldiers,” I barked, and the four jumped. The navy-eyed female squeaked and scrambled to her feet. The others hastily followed.
“I will not tolerate the spread of such gossip,” I continued, adjusting the plate of food in my hands.
“You are holy warriors. Not simpering Elessarum. Act like it.” Yet even as I derided the pacifist group, it felt wrong.
My mate was one, as was Lyriasthe. I’d hunted them for decades, though, and the mask of the Issaraeth had to remain in place to convince these soldiers to trust me above all others.
“Yes, sir!” the four said, offering disjointed chest beats.
I shook my head and continued on to where I sensed Sylaira. The hour was almost up, and she hadn’t Seen anything. By the time I reached the group, she was on her feet, glaring at the two.
Relief didn’t soften her features when she noticed my presence.
“Ah, Issaraeth,” Althirion said, mocking in every syllable of my title. “How kind of you to bring us food.”
“This is for my mate,” I growled, rolling my shoulders back. “I’m afraid this was the last of the meat. I believe the cooks still have some gruel for you though.”
The male’s face mottled red.
Sylaira laughed, reaching for the plate. “Thank you.” She lifted a chicken leg and tore into it, watching her keepers pack up their supplies. Nymirae cut a glare in her direction, and my mate smacked her lips in an overt taunt.
At least we could work together on one thing, since we had a common enemy in these two.
Althirion approached, the fury replaced by a sly smile. “The Korona wishes to speak with you.”
Of fucking course she did. “What does my sister want?”
“This is not a conversation to be had in front of others.” He looked pointedly at Sylaira.
“My mate can hear anything meant for me. We have no secrets.” I crossed my arms and shifted my weight to one leg like I was bored with all his pomp and self-importance.
It was the only time in his life that he’d hold any power. He’d never know its true taste. Perhaps when we reached the final battle, he’d have a mysterious accident. Falling off a cliff, trampled beneath hooves, a Demon sneaking into our camp in the middle of the night…
“Very well then,” he grumbled, eyes going glassy while he communicated with his mate in Sivy. I didn’t know how long they’d been bonded, but they must have actually loved each other for their connection not to punish them for such a great distance.
Sylaira continued eating while we waited for the message from the Korona. I’d told her before of my worries about not being able to feed everyone, but she didn’t know we’d already gone through all the coin the monarchs had left in my saddlebags.
Thankfully, the wagons were packed with long-lasting food—potatoes and other root vegetables, grains, and herbs for seasoning. But fresh meat and fruit would be scarce unless we hunted and gathered along the remainder of the road to Eloi.
Althirion blinked, refocusing on the present. I held my breath, waiting for him to deliver the harsh words from my sister.
“Why are you not leading prayers with the army like I asked?” he recited.
But his baritone was overtaken by the screech of Iaoth’s voice in my mind.
“The Demons are winning because they constantly profess their faith as one. There is only so much we can do at temples in Sivy and elsewhere. Our Radiant Mother wants to hear thanks from Her holy warriors.”
I wanted to roll my eyes. The last time my sister had set foot in the temple in the royal feather at Thalvireth Palace was at least a century ago. Stadiel too. They preached from their lofty perches on their thrones and failed to follow the very instructions they doled out.
Rules for you, but not for me.
“She also wishes to remind you that Sylaira is a symbol of the Goddess’s favor and you should use her as such in your conversations with the recruits, as you have not done yet after her repeated request that you do.”
My nostrils flared. Fucking Iaoth was trying to redirect the army’s loyalty away from me. If they believed Sylaira was Her chosen, that would only amplify their faith. I needed them focused on me instead.
I wasn’t sure who was leaking the content of my conversations to these two bootlickers, or how much they managed to eavesdrop when they were supposed to be following my mate. But I was tired of hearing how I should wave Sylaira like a banner of war.
She didn’t want that, and I didn’t want a bigger target on her.
“Noted,” I gritted out, flicking my attention to my mate.
Her chewing slowed as she glared at Althirion. “I have a message for the Korona.”
“Don’t,” I shoved into her mind without thinking, hoping she’d hear me behind that icy wall.
Althirion’s gaze went empty for a brief moment. “She does not wish to speak to you now. Not with how you continue to disappoint her with paltry visions.”
Small mercies.
“Come on, let’s leave the errand birds to scrounge something to eat,” I told my mate, draping an arm across her shoulders. She stiffened at the touch, even as fire burned beneath my skin. But she didn’t let them see it.
Nymirae scowled as she slung her bag over her shoulders. “I will pray that the Goddess offers you more insight tomorrow, Sylaira.”
“Herra R?viel,” we corrected her at the same time.
The female started to move off without restating her address.
“Ah, where do you think you’re going?” I asked her.
She and Althirion spun to face us again. “To find food.”
“Not before you correct yourself,” I chided, cocking my head to the side. “We may all be members of the army, but I am still both your superior officer and a Herr of the realm.”
“The Korona–”
“Isn’t here,” I snarled. “Now, address my mate with the proper respect.”
The two glanced at each other for a long moment. Then, they dipped their heads, hooking their fingers over their hearts and fluttering their palms against their chests. “Goddess save you, Herra R?viel.”
“That’s better,” I purred as they straightened. “Now if you hurry, you might actually find some scraps before the cooks start packing up their stations.”
Amusement trickled down our bond as they once again spun on their heels and strode back to the camp.
“Goddess, I hate them,” Sylaira said once they were almost out of earshot.
“Aye,” I replied, keeping her tucked into my side and steering her in the direction of our tent.
She shrugged out from under me anyway, picking at the last of her meal while we walked. “Thank you for saving me food.”
“Of course,” I told her, nodding to Thalessa, a royal sentinel who had chosen to accompany us to the front. Maelsar and I had roped her into running training sessions once we stopped each night, along with a handful of others, including Calrien.
Unfortunately, he was useful there. Giving him a massive group to oversee kept him far away from me and far away from my mate at least.
We dropped the plate off at a wash station, the group halting all movement when they noticed us. “Seraelth,” one whispered, ocean-blue eyes going wide.
My mate froze, breath hitching. Down our bond, apprehension gathered like thunderclouds.
“Sorry,” she whispered, looking sheepish. “It’s just that I haven’t seen you yet, and everyone has spoken of how beautiful you are. I didn’t think the person our Radiant Mother sent to save us all could be so striking.”
Pink dusted Sylaira’s cheeks, and she shifted on her feet. “Oh, well, thank you.”
My hand went to her lower back, gently guiding her on. The group watched us go, then returned to gossiping under their breath while they worked. Thankfully, not about us or about the leader of the Demon army.
Ridiculous.
I almost opened my mouth to tell Sylaira what I’d overheard. But despite uniting against her keepers, despite me bringing her real food, her guard still remained high. And sharing the small, ordinary things of the day was something lovers did.
She’d made it clear we were not. Even after letting me kiss her after her dance in the clearing.
Sylaira was cordial—rather than venomous as she had been previously—but distant. Her mind drifted elsewhere, and I crept along an outer corridor, hoping to wriggle past her defenses to discover what held her attention.
The scripture of all my sins against her slithered through her thoughts. “He justified his actions as something he’d done for my own good, for the good of the realm. But why is it so hard to hate him when he shows me kindness?”
Air disappeared from my lungs.
Because my father had used those exact words on me. A specter of pain speared into my chest, to where the words he’d carved into me still lived.
Am I truly any better than him if I treat my mate as he treated me?
Disgust curdled with self-loathing in my stomach. Because the answer was no.
I retreated from Sylaira’s mind and held open the tent flap for her. She ducked inside, still so damn far away.
And she was…justified in that. Because I’d thought I’d known what was best for her and acted on it, without regard for her feelings. For the violation it would cause her.
“Do you want to wash before bed?” I asked her, hoping she wouldn’t notice the tremble in my voice. That I was wrecked and wretched and reeling all over again.
“Hmm?” She blinked, coming back to me. “Oh, yes. Is there already water?”
I nodded and stepped outside to give her space. Sinking to the ground, I leaned against an outer pole and stared at the sky overhead. Stars winked at me, jovial and taunting. Because there was no joy in my life. Never had been.
And I wasn’t sure there ever would be.
Not until I killed my sister and her husband.
Not until I’d figured out a way to save the Angels from themselves.
Not until my mate finally looked at me like she loved me again.