Chapter 8
Sebastian
Heart pounding, I force my front door shut behind me and quickly lock it.
Then unlock it.
Just in case she wants to come inside.
I fall against the door, unable to hold myself up. I heave in a breath, forcing air into my lungs. Doing one of Cecilia’s breathing exercises, I attempt to calm my racing heart and clear my overwhelmed mind. But nothing calms my rapid thoughts or the pulsing in my ears.
She spoke to me.
Lizzy spoke to me.
And I messed it up. It didn’t go as planned. But that wasn’t planned. She’s never spoken to me before.
Turning around, I stare at her through my peephole. The bewildered expression on her beautiful face only confirms my most harrowing suspicions. I failed her. This might have been my only chance to make an impression on her, and now, what must she think of me?
My hands grip my door, the only support holding me up as my world tilts. My breaths turn choppy. We met, and I couldn’t form sentences.
I race upstairs and splash cold water on my face. It grounds me enough to remove myself from the equation and replay the events rationally.
Her words repeat in my mind, an endless loop sparking my heart. To others, maybe even to her, the talk of the weather could mean nothing. But to me, to me, it was everything.
She stopped her run for me. For me. She never stops her runs. I would know. I go on every single one with her.
It only slightly upset me that she went without me. And in the dark without my protection. It wasn’t smart of her, even if it was just a neighborhood run. But I’m more frustrated with myself for not waking up to the notification of her front door opening.
But she smiled at me. A blinding, beautiful smile. When she waved, my heart hammered. I thought I might be hallucinating. Then when she spoke to me, talking about the weather, my mouth became dry. I couldn’t respond to her.
I quickly compose myself, so maybe she didn’t sense my hesitation. She didn’t realize I was experiencing heart palpitations with her attention. That I had trouble breathing because of her nearness.
We were so close, I could make out each strand of hair in her bangs. So many that it’d take days to count them all. But that wouldn’t deter me. I’d count them every day if I could.
I make my way to my office to do just that. Or as well as I can from the distance of my security cameras.
I catch her as she’s leaving and pull up her tracking app to follow her to the store. Using the phone I have that mirrors hers, I watch as she checks items off her grocery list. It seems she’ll be baking soon.
I’ve always wondered what her baked goods taste like. She shares them with the Colemans, which fills me with envy. Just once, I’d kill for her to bake me something. Anything. One bite, and I’d soar.
Shaking thoughts of cakes and cookies from my mind, I focus on my screens not displaying her. On the work I need to get done. Or at least try to.
…
The way the sweat beaded on her forehead catching my eye shows me how hard of a run she had. Even glistening in perspiration, she looked irresistible.
Her eyes sparkled in a way that comes from endorphins and hard work. How I wish I could’ve joined her. Sidled up next to her. Maybe even held her hand.
“Uncle Bash, why do you look like that?” Sofia demands from across the table.
I blink back into the present, taking in my surroundings. The cod on my plate has probably gone cold, abandoned to my thoughts.
“Sebastian, is something on your mind?” It’s my mom, this time, breaking through my haze. Shaking my head, I force all thoughts of Lizzy to the back of my mind.
“Sorry. I had an early morning. I’m just tired.” I conjure up a convincing smile, trying to ease her worry, but Mom continues scrutinizing me. The table descends into silence, a rarity in this family. I hate the attention on me.
“But you didn’t eat…” Mom starts, only for Dad to step in.
“Leave the poor boy alone. I’m sure he has a lot on his mind.” Dad raises his hands. “How are my little ones?”
I throw him a grateful smile when the triplets start discussing school. As the first grandchildren of the family, they’ve captured all our hearts. Even stone-cold Dom listens with a grin as they regale their most recent recess experience.
“Well, then Brian said that he wouldn’t play hopscotch,” Sofia recounts.
“No, that was Louis. He said he didn’t like it. Brian said he didn’t like you,” Lucia corrects her sister.
“Brian wasn’t very nice.” Isabel worries her lip. “Boys aren’t very nice.”
“They’re nice when you push them to the ground.” Sofia raises her arm, flexing her nonexistent bicep. Dom laughs, reaches over, and squeezes it, feigning being impressed.
Roman glares at our oldest brother. “Don’t encourage her. We got sent to the principal’s office. I had to leave… erm… work early to meet with her. She’s on her last warning.”
“If a boy is being mean to her, then she shouldn’t be penalized for standing up for herself,” Dom counters.
“Not all boys are mean,” Lucia chimes in. “Liam is very nice.”
Collectively, all the men in the family zone in at the tone she uses. The very flirtatious tone she uses.
“Lucia, who is Liam?” her father’s voice probably sounds mildly curious to his young daughter, but I see the way his fists clench.
“Liam wants to be my boyfriend,” Lucia explains.
The room stills for a moment. All of us at a loss for words.
“Explain,” Roman demands.
“Liam kissed me when I was sad that Sofia got sent to the principal’s office. It made me happy.”
Roman’s eye twitches. Dom’s gripping his knife. And Matthias tenses. I would find their reaction funny if I wasn’t also concerned about the boy kissing my niece.
“I told you not to tell them,” Isabel adds.
“What’s Liam’s last name?” Dom casually asks.
“Lucia and Liam sitting in a tree,” Sofia begins singing. “K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”
Roman exhales slowly, teeth grinding.
“Baby, he’s a little boy. He’s just being sweet,” Cecilia tries to calm her husband to no avail.
“First comes love. Then comes marri–”
“Please stop, Sofia,” Roman all but begs his daughter.
She actually listens and sweetly climbs into her father’s lap. She pets his wrinkled forehead, trying to smooth out his lines of worry.
“It’s okay, Daddy. We know we’re not allowed to have boyfriends until we’re sixty-five,” she consoles him. “That’s why Lucia told Liam he could only kiss her, not be her boyfriend.”
Roman looks pleadingly at his wife, and she scoops up Lucia.
“Sweethearts, you’re not allowed to have a boyfriend until you’re older,” she starts.
“Sixty-five,” Lucia adds.
“Yes, not until you’re sixty-five. But you shouldn’t be kissing until you have a boyfriend either,” Cecilia runs her hand over Lucia’s back when her lip starts to tremble. “Oh, honey, you’re not in trouble. You didn’t know better. But now you do.”
“Will Nico have to wait until he’s sixty-five to kiss?” Sofia questions.
My eyes dart to my only nephew, Nico. He’s sitting on his father’s lap, quietly taking in his surroundings.
None of Margot’s verbose nature passed down to him, nor Matthias’s ego.
They were worried at the beginning when he barely spoke, so I researched child development and did some developmental testing with him.
I was very proud to ascertain that he’s highly intelligent, and being silent is a choice of his.
When Nico curls into his father’s shoulder, Margot checks his diaper. She teasingly tells Matthias to change their son. To which he chuckles, presses a kiss on her head, then leaves the table with the squirmy toddler.
The triplets snap out of their no-kissing funk when mini lava cakes come out.
Roman frantically warns his wife of the sugar rush they’ll get, but she just shushes him.
He lets out a helpless sound as he watches his daughters devouring far too much chocolate so close to bedtime.
But eventually he relents and feeds his pregnant wife a bite of her dessert.
She leans into him, and they become lost in their own world.
My gaze shifts to the head of the table where Katerina sits with Dom to her side.
Even he has found his happiness in an arranged marriage to the enemy.
Even he gets his happily ever after. A happily ever after that includes knife foreplay…
I blanch at the memory of them in the hallway connected to this room.
I love them, but I’ll never understand them. I would never threaten Lizzy.
But I’ll also never have Lizzy. And the reminder crushes my soul. I just want what they have with her. It’s the one thing I need, and the one thing I can never have. I’ll never subject her to this life.
I’ve watched my family grow the past few years with a smile on my face but a pang in my heart.
The joy my sisters-in-law and their children have brought this family is immeasurable, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.
But I can’t stop the envy clawing at my chest. Making me bleed from the inside.
Even Matthias changing a poopy diaper makes me covetous, because that’s his son he gets to tend to.
Not being a big fan of sweets, I don’t touch my lava cake. When I catch Isabel eyeing it, I slyly switch my full plate with her empty one. She snickers and shares some with each sister, then the three of them dig in.
About halfway through their slices, Roman catches on. His mouth hangs agape, as he interrogates his daughters. But my brother didn’t raise a snitch, so they don’t confess the culprit. He shouldn’t be too worried anyway. Most of the cake ended up on their dresses.
After dessert, we all make our way into the den.
The girls play on the floor, pretending to be princesses.
I wish they’d play with the science kits I got them and would see there’s a world of opportunities out there besides princess, but Roman told me this is a phase.
And that we have to let them be princesses now.
Mom sits next to me instead of in her armchair, surprising me. I turn to her and immediately regret it. Her expression is tormented, so I know where this is going.
“Mom, I’m fine–”
“Sebastian, my baby, I know you well enough to know that’s not true. Something is upsetting you.” She holds my hand in hers just as she did when I was a boy. “I wish you would just talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to say.” I’m not lying. There’s nothing to be said about Lizzy and me because there is no Lizzy and me.
“I just wish you had someone. Your brothers are so happy. I want to see you happy too. I know there’s a girl out there for you.”
There is. And she’s around the corner.
“I know, Mom. I’ll try to meet someone,” I lie.
She studies me for a long moment, then sighs and pulls me in for a hug. “I love you, Sebastian. It’s a mom’s job to worry.”
I return her hug with a heavy weight on my shoulders, wishing the world could be different.