Chapter 30
Sebastian
My self-hatred is at an all-time high knowing that what I’m about to confess will snuff out the light of hope in her eyes. Her doubt that what I have to tell her will be life-altering is evident in the way that she stays in my lap. My trusting angel.
Dragging in a deep breath, I do a round of box breathing the way Cecilia taught me. But it’s not helping. At least not enough. Because once she knows what I’ve done, she’ll never forgive me.
Cupping her face with both my hands, I greedily pull her in and steal a kiss I don’t deserve. I kiss her like never before. If this is our last kiss, then I need it to be one I’ll be able to savor for the rest of my life. She responds to my kiss eagerly, and that only adds to the pang in my chest.
Eventually, she pulls back but keeps her arms wrapped around my neck. “Bash, you can tell me anything. You don’t have to be nervous.”
Picking her up, I drag her off my lap and place her next to me on the couch. She doesn’t fight me, thinking I’m the one who needs space. But the distance is for her. Once she knows, she won’t want to be touching me.
“Six years ago…” I inhale raggedly. “Six years ago, I saw an angel. The most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on. My world shifted on its axis at first sight of her. She was saving a skink from the side of the building.”
She gasps, immediately knowing who my angel is. “Six years?” she asks in a mystified voice.
“Six years,” I confirm. “Despite every ounce of reason telling me not to, I followed her home. I couldn’t stop myself.
I… I broke into her home. Watched her sleep.
I came back every day for two weeks. Did deep research on her.
Then bought the house behind hers so I could always be close by.
” I can’t look at her and see the horror that must be on her face. Her silence is my only gift.
“I’ve been obsessed with you for six years, angel.
Stalking you. Protecting you. Carefully cultivating every aspect of your life.
It’s all been me. I justified it by telling myself that I’ve just been keeping you safe, watching over you, but that’s not true.
I’ve done so much out of my selfish love for you. ”
She’s quiet, so I stay silent, giving her time to process everything. When she finally speaks, it’s in soft wonder. “You love me?”
My head whips in her direction as my heart races for a new reason. “What?” How is that what she’s focusing on?
“You just said you ‘did so much out of your selfish love for me.’ So, you love me? Is that what you’re saying?” There’s something akin to hope and, dare I say, excitement in her voice.
“Of course I love you. I love you so much I’ve robbed you of privacy and freedom to feed my obsession for six years. Six years, Lizzy. The things I’ve done… You would be horrified if you knew.”
“Well, tell me what you’ve done, and I’ll decide for myself.”
This is it. Where she finds out the extent of my obsession and begins hating me. I just pray she doesn’t become afraid of me. I couldn’t handle fear in her eyes.
“I installed a hidden door in our shared fence to have better access to you. It’s what I use to sneak into your house multiple times a week. Well, that, and the keys I’ve made.” The admission is a weight off my shoulder, but there are still so many secrets holding me down.
I expect her to recoil, but she watches me with curiosity. “What do you do in my house when you break in?”
“I check your appliances, feed your pets, and just bask in your scent. Sometimes, I even watch you sleep. And that’s not the only time I watch you. I mounted cameras in your house and watch them all day every day.”
“You have cameras in my house? Have you seen me naked?” She reddens as she asks it, but the rosy cheeks don’t stem from anger. The lilt in her tone confirms that, leaving me befuddled.
“No. I swear. There aren’t any in your bedrooms or bathrooms. I’d never take away your consent like that.
But, whenever you’re in a common area, my eyes are glued to you.
” When her lips curve into a soft smile, my confusion turns into annoyance.
She should be taking this seriously. “I even mirrored your phone and know everything on yours. You’ve had no privacy for the past six years. ”
“Okay. Is there anything else you’ve done?” She sounds amused by my obsessive stalking. Doesn’t she understand? Is something wrong with her?
“I’m the one who’s shoveled your driveway every snow day.
And I was the man who taught you how to drive in the snow disguised as an elderly man.
Also, sometimes I order meals when you’re sick or tired with a fake name to your house.
Those are for you. And our runs, I’ve purposely been following you on the trails.
I even put the marathon plan on your phone because it was the best fit for you and your running style.
Your social media and advertisements are cultivated by me for what you need.
The way everything you need is always on sale.
That’s me. It’s all me!” At this point, I’m trying to convince her of how terrible my actions are, because the look on her face is so far from the warranted fear and disgust that I’m more than a little concerned.
“Bash, I know you think this makes you a bad guy, but it doesn’t. You’re the best guy I know.” She crawls into my lap as she says it and winds her arms around my neck.
Crossing my arms at my chest, I scowl at her. “You should be scared! Or angry. You should hate me.”
“But I don’t.”
“Why not?”
“This all sounds to me like you’ve been taking care of me.
You encouraged me to run a marathon and have been running with me to watch over me.
You’ve been the reason I’ve had such an amazing life in Boston.
It always felt like I had a guardian angel watching over me.
Turns out I did, you. Let me guess, if something was broken, you’d fix it?
Or if I were in danger, you’d step in?” She raises a brow in challenge at me.
“Of course, I keep you safe. It was no accident that we met that night. I saw him in your kitchen asking you out. His background check showed that he’s abusive.
I couldn’t risk him hurting you, so I followed you.
I watched the date through the bar’s security cameras.
And when he didn’t take no for an answer, I stepped in.
” She smirks victoriously at my admission, so I prove her wrong.
“But I would’ve interrupted the date anyway, as I have every date you’ve attempted to go on.
I blocked his number on your phone, but you went anyway, which really upset me.
Every dating app you’ve downloaded, I’ve shut down.
Because even though I couldn’t be with you, I wasn’t going to let anyone else have you. ”
“I don’t get it. Why did you stay away? If you love me to the point of obsession, to do all these things, why not just introduce yourself? There’s no world in which I wouldn’t fall for you.”
I shake my head, not sure how much to tell her about the Syndicate. “That’s the other part. First and foremost, I need you to know that we’re the good guys. We may do bad things, but only to the bad guys.”
She leans back and the first look of worry crosses her face. “Explain.”
“My brother, Dom, runs the Syndicate. It’s an underground criminal organization.
We keep order amongst the other families.
Don’t get me wrong, what we do is highly illegal.
Syndicate Enterprise is the legal front.
Matthias runs it with my help, but I work for both sides.
” I let the words hang in the air, thick like a blanket.
Quicker than I expected, she asks, “So, like the mafia?”
“Sort of. We work alongside the mafia. We may be the good guys, but I’m not a good man. I’ve ruined lives and not just for the Syndicate. I crave revenge for those who wrong the ones I love.” Flashes of the men whose lives I’ve ruined on her behalf flicker through my mind.
“Have you ever killed someone?” Her voice is low, serious at last.
“Yes,” I say softly. “I’ve killed many people. But only those who deserve it. But that’s the philosophical debate, isn’t it? Is it moral to murder a murderer, or does it just make you a murderer? Is your killing justifiable in a vigilante way, or do you just become what you took down?”
She blanches at that. “Is it moral to kill your abuser? We’re in the same boat. We do what we have to do.”
“No, we’re not. What you did was in a situation of life or death. You chose to save yourself. Don’t ever regret that.” She has to see the difference. What she did weighs down on her greatly, but it shouldn’t. “It’s not always life or death for me. Sometimes, it’s just for revenge.”
“Bash, have you ever killed someone who’s innocent? Or is it all criminals, murderers, and rapists?”
“That doesn’t change anything. I don’t regret any of the ones I’ve killed.” My hands reach for her hips, ready to shake some sense into her.
“Yes, it does. And I don’t regret killing Vincent.” She sighs then leans back into me. “Because you’re capable, you were able to take care of the men at my house, right?”
“Yes. I’m trained in many martial arts. I incapacitated them without firing a single bullet.
They’re still alive, for now. But the urge to kill them after we interrogate them is strong.
They were going to take you, my angel. That’s an unforgivable offense.
” Darkness rounds my vision at the thought of what they wanted to do to her. They tried to take her from me.
“But don’t you see. You saved me. Without you, they’d have me right now.” Her voice trembles as she says it, so I pull her into my chest and rub her back.
“I will always save you,” I promise her. “But that doesn’t make me a good man. And you deserve someone good.”
“Good or bad, who’s to say. I say you’re good for me, and that’s all that matters to me.” She starts kissing my neck trailing up and down.
“Silly girl,” I hiss out as a groan fights its way up my throat.
“So, is that why you stayed away from me? Some misplaced belief that you’re too bad for me?” She continues her assault, making it hard for me to answer.
“Partly. The other reason is that when I first met you, it was a month after Margot was kidnapped. She was taken by a rival family. That fear was fresh. I couldn’t bring a woman into my world and risk her.
So, I resorted to the next best thing, keeping you safe from afar.
” Somehow even while discussing Margot’s kidnapping, I’m breathless.
She freezes but doesn’t pull back. “Are they still out there?”
“The Bratva is still around, but we’re at peace.
The old Pakhan has been replaced by his peaceful son, and his sister is Dom’s wife.
We haven’t had any issue with any of the families in years, which is why I was finally convinced that it was safe to meet you.
” The words come out rushed, ready to end the conversation so I can focus on her touch.
“Convinced? By who?”
“My brothers and sisters-in-law. When Dom and Katerina came over to… When they came over, they saw my office when it activated the alert that you were home. Well, they told everyone else, and we took a vote. Katerina and Roman wanted to help get you away from me.” I hesitate.
“They still will if you’d like. If you don’t want to be with me or be associated with my life, I understand.
All I ask is that you let me protect you from afar.
It’ll be like before. You won’t even know I’m there. ”
This time she does pull back. She swats my chest furiously. “No! I love you and want to stay with you. Please, don’t leave me. All you’ve done is help me and improve my life. I know bad men. I killed a bad man. You are nothing like him.”
“You love me?”
“After all you’ve done for me, how could I not?” She leans in and presses her lips to mine, claiming me. I welcome her tongue into my mouth, the smoothness of hers sending chills down my spine.
My hardness can’t be concealed, and when she rocks against me, I hiss. “Are you still against having sex with me?” she asks against my lips.
“I needed you to know what I’d done for you to be able to give your full consent.” I barely manage to get the words out.
She leans back with a sparkle in her eyes. “Oh, I consent.” Before the words can fully process, she whips her top off, leaving her full breasts on display.
Even though I’ve felt them, I’ve never seen them before. Slowly, I reach forward and palm one perfect sphere. Her neck elongates as she throws her head back, calling to me. I lean forward and lick up her silky column.
I feel her answering shiver in my cock. Reaching between us, she palms my length. The warmth of her palm has my sac tightening. After only two strokes, I have to pry her hand away.
“I can’t…” I explain through pants.
Flipping us over, I hover on top of her. My hand travels into her panties. I crawl over the fur patch until I reach her wetness.
We moan in unison as I make contact. I don’t tease her. Don’t edge her. She deserves every orgasm I could possibly give her. With my thumb rubbing soft circles on her clit, my middle finger squeezes into her core.
She clenches around me, suffocating my fingers.
Needing to see it, I pull down her pants and panties, leaving her naked.
I crawl down her body until I’m positioned at her center.
I watch my fingers claim her, and a jealousy I’ve never known fills me.
An irrational envy over my own fingers. When she starts to squirm, I reposition myself.
“Please, don’t stop,” she begs in a needy voice.
“Nothing could make me stop right now,” I assure her huskily, then add my tongue to the mix.
Nothing could prepare me for the taste of my angel. Sweet and honey and pure her. Pure heaven. I’m noisy as I feast to my fill. When she squirms too much, I place my empty hand on her stomach, holding her down.
“Bash, I’m so close,” she yells as her back arches off the couch.
“I know. Come for me, baby,” I command, and like the good girl she is, she obeys.
Her juices hit my tongue, as her waves of orgasm tingle up my arm. My cock presses into the couch, demanding attention, but I ignore it. Because this is about her. I’ve waited so long to worship my angel. I’m not going to rush it for something as frivolous as my hunger for her.
“Bash, I need you to fuck me right now,” a heavenly voice whimpers, and that’s all the encouragement I need.