2. Hana
Istared out the window, wishing I hadn’t agreed to run this round of data. It was the time I’d normally be gathering my things to go, and I was tired.
I’d been tired for so long, I wasn’t sure I remembered what energetic or happy felt like. At first, I’d chalked my exhaustion up to healing, and that was at least partly true. But the fatigue should have passed by now. It hadn’t, and I was starting to think it never would.
I thought everything had fallen apart when Paxton broke up with me, but the real slump had hit when I’d miscarried our child later that week. It had been raining then, and I’d hated the rain ever since.
I hadn’t known I was pregnant, so the nurse had told me I couldn’t really miss the baby.
I’d abhorred that nurse with every fiber of my being from that moment until I left the hospital. She knew it, too, and had tried to avoid my room. When she’d come in to check my vitals, she’d kept her eyes averted.
For a while, my rage toward her kept me going. But eventually, even hate gives out. Then I was left with grief and loneliness, along with a painful road to recovery.
“I preferred the hate,” I muttered to myself. But even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t true. I just preferred not feeling empty and sad.
I sighed, tracing the raindrop’s slide down the window before pulling my attention back to the computer. I didn’t want to think about Paxton. I never did, but he still crept up on me—an insidious need I couldn’t shake. I intended to hate him for that, too. The data was mostly analyzed now. Only another hour, maybe two. Then I could crawl into bed…and toss and turn restlessly.
I sighed. I needed to move past this funk, but I didn’t know how.
Jeremy’s hands settled on my neck and began to massage the knots there. “You’re awfully tense,” he whispered in my ear.
“I know.” I didn’t enjoy his caresses nor the ear-whispering, which tickled my sensitive skin.
“Is it because of the simulation we’re going to run tomorrow?” he asked. “You know it’s stellar work. You always blow me away, Han. I can’t believe such a beautiful package houses such a brilliant mind.” He kissed my cheek.
I bit back a grimace. I hadn’t invited his touch. I just hadn’t rejected it either. And I should have, because I didn’t like him touching me. I didn’t like much in the way of physical contact these days, not after the months of being poked and prodded by medical professionals.
“Please. Not now, Jeremy.”
“How about later?”
“I’m not feeling great.”
“Is this because of your leg?”
I nodded. But my leg, which often hurt, wasn’t the issue right now. My lack of interest in touch was much more relevant, but I was too worn out to bring it up, especially with Jeremy. He had a habit of steamrolling my concerns, and I couldn’t allow that—not now that he’d made it clear he wanted intimacy.
The mere thought made my stomach cramp and turn.
Soon Jeremy would figure out that I was throwing excuses to keep from taking him to my home and my bed. I just didn’t want him—not as my lover or my partner, not even as my boss.
But he’d been one of the few people interested in me after I recovered enough from multiple surgeries to seek a job. I’d managed to complete my degree from my hospital bed, the only blessing being that the boredom—and the inability to move—had helped me whiz through more classes than I’d been able to take in person.
I should’ve been more thankful for everything Jeremy had done for me. It was a lot. Jeremy Dorring was brilliant and ambitious. He’d already started a company and had a multimillion-dollar investment in his project that would make it easier for humans on Earth to ship materials to the moon. The work was engaging, cutting edge. But brilliance and an attractive exterior did nothing for me these days. I traced another raindrop. I just wanted…what?
The answer came quickly. I wanted to feel happy. Alive.
“Well, then, why don’t I get you a cup of tea? That’ll be soothing. Green, right?”
I managed not to roll my eyes. Green tea wouldn’t soothe my leg. Worse, I hated green tea. It was bitter, my mother’s favorite drink. Still, I smiled and nodded, mainly because I wanted Jeremy to go away.
How unfair of me… But the need to be alone expanded, pressing on my nerve endings, making me want to scream.
Jeremy’s footsteps drifted down the hall toward the community break room. I sighed in relief. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the rest of this day, let alone the rest of the year—or next year. I shut my eyes and breathed deeply, slowly, as I tried to ease the tension in my shoulders and neck.
I didn’t want to spend my life working in this world. I didn’t care about the physics or money related to a moon ladder. I just, I wanted?—
“Hey, man. How are you? Have you seen Hana Sato?”
I gasped as I leaped to my feet, then stumbled as my brace dug into the flesh of my thigh. I shifted my balance because that leg couldn’t bear the weight without proper support. No! No, no, no.
I slipped my hands under my skirt and shifted the metal that kept the sides stiff, repositioning it so the cloth settled against my skin as it was supposed to. But thanks to my sudden movement, my leg began to ache.
“Who’s asking?” Jeremy’s tone was belligerent.
“We’re friends. Old friends. I grew up a couple of houses from her. I really need to get in touch with her now. It’s important.”
No, we weren’t friends.We were lovers, soulmates, but now—for the last three years—we were nothing.
But Jeremy must have decided Pax was telling the truth, because he said, “Lab Two, on the left.”
Before I could decide what to do, Pax was there, filling up the doorway, bigger and more beautiful than I remembered.
“Hana,” he said.
I tucked in on myself, trying to disappear. I didn’t want him here, not in my space, my life—except I did want to see him. I just didn’t want him to see me. Not like this, because I wasn’t close to being at my best. Worse still, I’d been pining for him, the one who’d created the grief in my life.
This, this wasn’t—no! He couldn’t be here with those soulful eyes and that earnest, even worried expression on his face.
I focused my attention on the keyboard, mouse, and stapler resting on its laminated surface.
“Hana, please. I know I shouldn’t have come to your work, but I desperately need to talk?—”
I didn’t even realize I’d picked up the stapler until I released it from my hand. I gaped, shocked, sickened, as it flew through the air, straight toward Paxton Naese’s beautiful, rugged face.
* * *
Pax must have beenoff his game, because while he raised his arm, the plastic edge still caught his cheek, flaying the skin open. The offending office supply fell to the floor with a clatter, and we both stared at it. It was safer than looking at him.
I was furious, shocked, and my entire body shook. My teeth chattered. “Oh, oh my…” I whispered, my fingers coming to my lips. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That was wrong of me. I didn’t think, didn’t mean…” But didn’t I?
He gave a nervous chuckle. “Still got that good softball arm, and your aim’s spot-on.”
I straightened my shoulders and set my chin. “No. I don’t. I gave that up years ago.” Along with most other physical activity because my leg can’t handle it. I was lucky they’d been able to save the mangled mess.
This is me now: an automaton who inputs data for a program she doesn’t care about for a life she doesn’t want.
As much as I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut, instead I rose from the chair. “Again, I’m so very, very sorry. That was completely uncalled for. I’ll clean and bandage your cut.”
I stooped to pick up the stapler, but Paxton mirrored me, dropping to his haunches. He looked so handsome, even with the small gash on his high, stark cheekbone. His features had lost the last haze of youth and stood prominent and sharp. His eyes were wary and full of yearning…
And that made me angry. Really angry. He didn’t get to yearn. He’d broken up with me. He’d nearly cost me my ability to walk, had definitely cost me the child I would—did—love with all my heart and soul.
Damn him.
Just…damn Paxton Naese. I hated him—almost as much as I loved the unfeeling, selfish ass.
No!Gah, where had that thought come from? I didn’t love him. I couldn’t. That would be ridiculous, especially after everything that had happened because of him.
“You know what? No. I don’t owe you anything. Go away, Paxton.”
“Hana.” He whispered it like a plea.
“What’s going on?” Jeremy asked. His shadow fell over us, and I clutched the stapler to my chest as I rose and burrowed under his arm, which he tightened around me. He was thoughtful, kind; he didn’t break my heart and ruin me to my very soul.
“Paxton’s leaving,” I said.
“Hana…” So much emotion in just my name. Paxton’s shoulders heaved, his chin dropping. “We really need to talk.”
“No, we don’t. The time for talking was years ago.”
“Please, don’t get stubborn.” His eyes darted toward Jeremy.
“Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of Jeremy,” I told him, insinuating that we were more together than we were. Jeremy enjoyed that immensely, and he kissed my temple and nuzzled into my hair…and I still felt nothing. Only when I stared at Paxton did I feel, and it was a wall of anger so thick, boiling, I wasn’t sure I’d ever overcome it.
Because what he was feeling now, with misery shining through his eyes, is what I’d had to suffer for months after the accident, after I’d lost everything I’d wanted.
Paxton’s expression shifted from sadness and jealousy to a neutral mask. “All right. I guess, well, I guess I needed closure.”
“Why?” I sniped. “You’re the one who broke up with me.”
Paxton’s lips curled into the tiniest smile. “Not because I wanted to.” He hesitated but then blew out a breath. “Your mom?—”
A growl ripped out of my throat. “Are you really going to say my dead mother made you break up with me?”
Memories swirled. My mother had never considered Paxton enough for me. I was too brilliant to waste my life with an athlete. I was too delicate to accommodate such a brute. More and more comments, more and more thoughts swirled inside my head.
She’d tried everything to break us up. I knew that. Just as I knew she’d been delighted when Paxton and I had split.
“She’s dead? I… Damn, Han, I didn’t know.” Paxton’s shoulders bunched. When he bit his lip, my heart ached for him. I hated to see him nervous.
Why did he seem surprised? Our crash had made the news, mostly because Aiki’s driving under the influence had required a trial that caused him to plead for a manslaughter charge. He was still in jail—all of that thanks to me having called my mother and hoped for…something more than her usual dismissal of my feelings. She’d finally proved to be the mother I wanted, and her decision to be there for me had gotten her killed. I straightened my spine and lifted my chin, ignoring Jeremy, who was irritating me with his cuddling.
“What are you trying to say, Pax?” I hadn’t wanted my voice to soften, hadn’t wanted to use my nickname for him, but his confusion and sadness had gotten to me.
The jerk had always made me feel—and more than I wanted to.
Paxton lifted his eyes and met my gaze. Yearning and anger swirled in their depths. He gestured toward me, seeming almost helpless…lost. “I didn’t know.”