10. Hana
Once Paxton stopped speaking, stopped relaying that horrible conversation, the silence stretched out between us, pulling tension tauter and tauter.
My heart thumped against my chest. “I don’t know what to say to that,” I told him.
“Once I knew you’d moved, I planned to hire a private investigator, but I didn’t like invading your privacy. Thus, I kept putting it off, even as the need to see you, to talk to you, grew. It got huge, Hana. I woke up the other morning knowing I couldn’t wait any longer. And then Cruz told me he’d found you. So I came out, and well, you know what’s happened since.”
“That’s…” Endearing. Shocking. An invasion of privacy. I shook my head because I didn’t know what to think, to feel. Everything was jumbled and messy, like when I’d lived at home. I hated chaos; I’d become an engineer to order the disorderly.
Yet turmoil followed me.
“Hana.”
Paxton’s eyes were full of emotion. “I would have come to the hospital. I would have been there for you.”
“Thank you for saying that. But you weren’t there, and I managed alone.”
I was grateful for the half wall between us—it kept the emotional distance better than I was able to on my own. Looking into his eyes, I wanted him to hold me, to reassure me that everything would work out.
Only life had proven that wasn’t true.
“I think you should go,” I said.
“I…” He blew out a breath. “I don’t want to go. But I will because you’re asking it of me. At least…at least let me talk to you—text if that’s easier. Just…please, Hana.”
I hesitated. “Okay.”
Paxton nodded. “Thank you.” He nudged his untouched mug across the counter. “I’ll talk to you soon.” He caressed me with those beautiful eyes before he turned and left. I sagged against the counter’s edge and tried to get my emotions under control.
Didn’t work. Never had with Paxton.
My phone beeped with a text. Lock your door. That skinny shit may still be lurking around.
That something that had cracked open in my chest this morning rose up again. This time I welcomed its warmth, even as I feared how much I wanted more of it.
* * *
Findinganother job in Silicon Valley proved impossible, just as Jeremy had predicted—because Jeremy had made sure everyone knew he’d fired me.
“I told you this would be a problem,” Esther mumbled, glancing around the coffee shop. “I can’t be seen with you, Hana. Jeremy’s put out the word that you’re dirt, and, well…”
“What Jeremy wants, Jeremy gets,” I confirmed. I rubbed my forehead, wondering where else I should apply. My savings were dwindling, and another student loan payment was due soon. I also had to make the payment for my hospital bills.
I calculated the expenses versus the amount of money in my checking account. Not good. And my savings weren’t enough to let me cough up first and last month’s rent on a place if I broke the lease on my apartment here.
My stomach swooped as I remembered Paxton’s comment from the other night: “I want to help you, Hana. Not because I feel obligated, which I do, I’m not going to deny that. But even more, I want to help because you deserve the opportunities. So, if it’s money, a place to stay—you name it, and I’m there to make it happen.”
Could I ask Paxton? Should I?
What choice did I have, really?
Pride was all well and good, but Paxton wanted to help, and he did owe me… Before I could change my mind, I dialed his number. Esther gave me a curious look, but said nothing, busying herself with her coffee.
“Is this a bad time?” I asked when Paxton answered.
“No, no, now’s good. I told you—I’ll make time.”
I narrowed my eyes, listening. “Are you at the rink?”
“Yeah, but we’re not at practice any longer. We’re trying to get Adam—he played goalie for us for the last few years—to go home to his wife and kid.”
I settled back in the chair and stared out the window. This conversation was easier, safer for my heart and wounded pride, than the one we needed to have. “Why wouldn’t he want to do that?”
Paxton sighed. “It’s complicated but not bad. Not really.” He told me more about Adam and Naomi’s situation with their preemie son and a difficult dive into parenting.
A shadow fell over me, and I rolled my eyes as I looked up at Jeremy, who was now impersonating a TV villain by looming over me and scowling. Esther mumbled an excuse as she grabbed her coffee and fled the shop.
I didn’t blame her. This scenario was ridiculous. My life was ridiculous.
“What do you want?” I asked, not bothering to move the phone from my cheek.
“Get off the phone and we’ll discuss you coming back to work for me,” Jeremy demanded.
“Hana?” Paxton asked. “Are you somewhere safe? I need to know that slimy worm isn’t going to threaten you or hurt you.”
“I’m okay,” I said. I would have smiled at the worry in Pax’s voice, but I was too busy studying Jeremy. I’d looked up to this man, considered him a mentor, my savior. I’d been considering a relationship with him.
But he’d used me. He’d turned my fears against me so I’d come to work for him. I saw that now—how I’d confided in him about my worries over finishing my last three courses and completing my degree, about finding a job that would cover my much-higher-than-expected expenses.
He’d used those fears to tie me to his company—to him, smug in the fact that I was thankful enough not to consider my other options too deeply. Options, I saw now, that he’d hidden from me.
Every time one of his colleagues had tried to talk to me about a potential position, Jeremy had swooped in and steered me away. The only time that hadn’t worked was with one of Jeremy’s investors—Gunnar something-or-other. He was a billionaire or gazillionaire who dabbled in petroleum, aeronautics…who knew what else.
We’d enjoyed chatting about the hinges and solar-based mechanisms designed for space before Jeremy had attempted to whisk me away. Gunnar had simply raised a thick, sandy eyebrow and said in that clipped, deep voice, “We were talking.”
Jeremy had smiled ingratiatingly and said, “Of course, of course! But Hana gets tired—from her accident. I was concerned she needed a break. You do, don’t you?”
And fool that I was, I’d let him lead me away, to a corner, tucked out of sight from Gunnar and the rest of the career-altering opportunities.
Now, though, after talking to Paxton and reconsidering my interactions with Jeremy from this new perspective, after dealing with the fallout he was willing to wreak to get his way, I realized something important: Jeremy wasn’t a man. He was used to getting his way, which made him a man-child. That was the key to his personality; he acted entitled and got vindictive when he didn’t get what he wanted. He had the worst qualities of personhood, and he held sway over many.
I wanted nothing to do with him and nothing to do with his world. If I didn’t take this moment, make this stand, I’d be sucked back into the status quo and drown in disappointment and bitterness.
“Han?” Paxton’s voice washed over me through the phone. “You there? You okay?”
“I’m here, and I’m okay. Hang on a sec.” I held the phone in my hand but didn’t disconnect it.
Jeremy fidgeted, clearly less sure of himself since I hadn’t caved to his demands.
“I’m not coming back to work for you,” I said.
“You need me—” he began.
“No. Actually, you need me. And instead of treating me with respect like you would a different colleague, you threatened me and tried to coerce me into basically an indentured servitude.”
“I pay—paid you well!”
“You paid me okay, not enough to get ahead with my loans. Not enough to move into a better place. That was intentional—yet another way to manipulate me. But guess what? Other companies can and will pay me better.”
I didn’t know who those people were yet, but they were out there. Like that mysterious Gunnar. Darn! I wished I’d talked to him longer, gotten his name…knew what company he worked for. I’d have to scour the internet.
Jeremy scowled, much like a child who’d broken his favorite toy. I hated that I was the plaything in the analogy. I won’t be again, I promised myself. “I have a network outside of you,” I told him. “From my undergraduate and graduate program.”
I’d finished my master’s degree a few months ago, taking advantage of an accelerated program for full-time employees. The hours had been insane, but I’d persevered, driven to complete the advanced degree so I wouldn’t remain beholden to Jeremy forever.
“These are people who know me and also know you.” I let that linger. Jeremy might instill fear in his underlings, and even his colleagues in the Bay Area, but the country was large, and he had as many detractors as admirers, as I’d learned in grad school.
“You can yell and scream and belittle me all you want, but my record with your company as well as my record throughout my years at MIT speak well—and for themselves. You don’t control me, and without me, you wouldn’t have gotten as far as you have with the prototype. We both know you sabotaged the simulation, Jeremy. It won’t be hard to prove that, either, considering I wasn’t at my computer the entirety of the day.”
“You’d leave your colleagues in a lurch? Now? When we’re trying to secure such important funding?—”
“You fired me, Jeremy. Explain that to your angel investors and your venture capitalists. You get to keep the prototype, of course, but it’s all data that I understand how to replicate. Me, not you.”
“That’s not fair?—”
“Do not speak to me about fairness, Jeremy. Nothing about the last few years of my life has been fair, and I’m not interested in your wheedling. We have nothing more to discuss. Now leave me alone.” I dismissed him and put the phone back to my mouth. “Are you still there?” I asked.
“I am,” Paxton said. “Remind me never to piss you off.”
“You already did.” I sighed.
Paxton was silent for a long moment. I ignored Jeremy staring at the side of my face. “If I could go back?—”
“But you can’t,” I interrupted. For a woman who was taught to respect others’ opinions, I was on a roll today with asserting mine. I liked this empowered version of myself. I liked her very, very much.
“What can I do, Hana? How can I prove that I want a second chance with you—at us?”
I’d pondered little else this past week, even as I searched for a new position. “I’m not ready to give you that yet.”
Jeremy seemed to finally realize I was truly done with him, and he slunk off…for the moment. He’d probably be back with some even more nefarious plan that would make me want to rip out my hair. I had two more months on my lease, but it was time to pack up.
“I’m focusing on the yet in your sentence,” Paxton said. “That leaves the door open.”
I couldn’t help but smile. I’d missed him. “I did call with a request,” I said, the half-baked plan I’d played with a few times shifting itself into a full-fledged idea.
“What’s that?”
“I’d like to stay at your place—while you’re traveling—to meet with one of my former professors. He has connections at NASA. In fact, he took a position there as a team lead on the type of project I worked on here.”
“You always wanted to work for NASA,” Paxton said.
I did. It was my dream job, but because of my long hospitalization and difficult recovery—and pile of medical and student debt—I hadn’t been able to consider a government salary. Now it seemed I might not have a choice.
But Houston cost less to live in than the Bay Area. I might need a car to get to work, but I could drive something older, as long as it was reliable. I’d need to practice, too, because it had been a while since I’d been behind the wheel. I took a deep breath as I considered the traffic and honking and freeways…
Maybe I’d find someplace close to the facility and walk. Walking was good for my leg, as it helped strengthen the muscles that had atrophied during my months-long recovery.
Yes, even with a lower salary, the move might work.
“I still do want to work for NASA,” I told Paxton. “And I’m pretty sure I can get an interview.”
“So you want to stay with me while you’re in town?” he asked. The hope in his voice made me tense.
I hesitated, but it was important to be honest. “I figured I could stay at your house, maybe water your plants, while I had my interview. I’ll be sure to plan it while you’re out of town. That way, I won’t be in your way.”
“You wouldn’t be in my way. And I’d like to spend time with you.”
We were adults…friends, right? I could spend a night or two with Paxton, especially if the result was the career I truly wanted.
“What happens when you get the job?”
A smile bloomed across my lips at Paxton’s use of when not if. I loved that he had that much confidence in me. I should find it in and for myself. “Then I’ll find a place to live.”
He was silent for a moment. “Just to be crystal clear, I want to ask you to move in with me and for you to let me love you, but I understand that I must rebuild what I broke.”
Such a Paxton response. He’d always been honest with me. Never pushy, but always honest about his preferences. I appreciated that, even when I couldn’t agree with his desires.
“I’m not ready to get back in a relationship with you,” I said. “I’m not—Paxton, this is a bit confusing for me. I mean, up until last week I was sure you’d turned into the world’s biggest selfish asshole.”
He hissed a breath. “Because I acted like it. Damn, that hurts.”
I could see his pained expression in my mind. I knew he was rubbing his fist over his heart. That I could have considered Paxton a selfish asshole showed how angry and bitter I’d become—with good reason. But I didn’t want to be mad any longer. In fact, I wanted to find my way back to a friendly relationship with Pax. I’d missed him in my life. But we had to move slowly. I needed to be smart about this.
That didn’t mean I planned to start something romantic with him again.
Yet.
Damn my mind for refusing to let me lie to myself. But it wouldn’t.
Because I did still have feelings for Pax, and him coming here to tell me he had them for me was swoon-worthy and adorable and totally rom-com-movie-of-the-year perfect.
“My place is yours for as long as you’d like to stay,” Paxton said, breaking through my ruminations.
Despite what my heart wanted—or maybe because of it—I dug deep and gave him the brutal honesty we both deserved. “I’m not sure we can ever rebuild our relationship romantically. I’m different now.” I should have added that I’d been broken and stitched back together physically, as well as jaded emotionally, thanks to his leaving and Jeremy’s betrayal, but those words stuck in my throat. I was a mess and mass of scar tissue, and I hated that.
“I hear you,” Paxton said.
But did he? How could he understand what had changed if I didn’t share those scars with him? If it turned out we got along well now, I would show him, I decided. But first, I needed to be sure I could trust him.
Staying with him for a couple of days would let me dip my toe in the water.
“I need to focus on me and finding contentment with my life before I even consider romance again,” I said.
“I hear you, Han. You need time. And I have to show you I’m serious about missing you in my life and about us.”
“That’s not what I said…”
“It’s what I need, too,” Paxton said quietly. “Give me that.”
I both hoped and feared he would follow through on the promise, pretty much my constant state around him, it seemed. “Let me see if I can get that interview,” I said.
“Anything you need, Hana, I’m here,” Paxton replied. “Don’t hesitate or worry about the request being too much. Just ask me, and if I can make it happen, I will.”
Well…my pulse sped up faster than laser thrusters as my heart melted. Now I didn’t just need to worry about getting that interview. I fretted about holding on to my sanity. It was going to be nearly impossible not to throw myself at Pax if he continued to say—and follow through on—everything he was telling me now.