Another Face-Off

12. Hana

Nerves licked up my spine, causing my nose to twitch and my palms to itch. The need to win over this group of engineers and scientists pushed hard against my sternum. I pressed my hand there as I exited the rideshare and stared at the low-slung, unassuming building tucked into the lush greenery of Clear Lake, a suburb of Houston’s sprawling metro area.

The pale-gray building was dotted with darker windows, and the thick asphalt parking lot overflowed with vehicles from the tiny Smart to enormous pickups. I was definitely not in the Bay Area anymore.

I headed toward the building, my breath shocked from my lungs as a blast of frigid air hit me when I stepped through the sliding glass doors. My leg brace dug into my thigh as I struggled to walk normally. I hated people to see my limp because it made some of them think my mind was also imperfect.

“Hi, I’m Hana Sato, here to see?—”

“Hana?”

I whirled too quickly at the sound of Paxton’s voice and winced as my leg muscles screamed in protest. I bit my lip to hold in the whimper, but I couldn’t stop my eyes from filling with tears.

“Are you okay?” Paxton stepped closer, clearly concern. He cupped my elbow, fingers gentle.

His eyes looked better, yet both were still encircled with fading bruises. I wanted to touch the battered skin. “Y-yes,” I managed.

He studied me for a moment, and I luxuriated in the warmth of his skin seeping through my cardigan and into my own. I’d missed his touch, his closeness. My leg pulsed with another throb, stopping me from melting against him.

I eased out of his grip, determined to stand alone. I’d been doing so for a few years now. Reconnecting with Paxton, even if we did eventually see where our connection took us, didn’t mean I was willing to give up the autonomy I’d cultivated. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

He gestured toward the passel of small kids behind him, many of whom looked at me with expressions ranging from boredom to suspicion. “I’m leading this team of explorers on a space mission,” he said.

The kids puffed up their chests, giggled…and remained bored. Huh. I remembered every one of those reactions from my own field trips. I’d always been giddy with delight because it meant more time with Paxton.

“And where are you going?” I asked a little girl who seemed to be following our interaction closely.

“To Marth,” she replied. “We’re going to thee the dirt and rockth on the planet by moving the rover. I get to handle the controlth.”

“You and anyone else who wants a go, Laurie,” Paxton replied.

The little girl’s chin shot out stubbornly, and I shared a look with Paxton. She reminded me of me at that age.

A pang of loss hit me harder than ever before. If I hadn’t miscarried, I’d have a child. She or he would be younger than Laurie, but only by a few years. I blinked back tears and forced a smile. “Have fun with that,” I told her. “And be sure to visit the Hellas basin.”

“She said a bad word,” said a little boy. He’d perked up at my comment.

“No, thee didn’t,” Laurie said. “Thee was telling uth to look at the largetht crater on Marth. It’s called the Hellath bathin.”

Laurie’s lisp was as adorable as her big, bright eyes. How I wished I could hug her close.

“There she is! My star pupil! The woman of the hour!” Roger Gerenstein hurried forward. He wore an avocado green corduroy blazer over a white button-down shirt and chinos. His sneakers squeaked as they pelted across the broad expanse of the lobby.

“This is the brilliant mind I’ve been waiting for,” he said, beaming. “Come in! Here’s your visitor badge. Oh, and you’ve met our kids today. Good, good! They’re getting a go with the rover. You should see Hana control that machine,” he told them. “She has the perfect touch.”

Laurie’s interest sparked further. “Doth thee work here?”

“I hope she will,” Dr. Gerenstein said. “We need more sharp minds like hers. And if you study hard, you might work here too, one day.”

“We need to move along, Mr. Naese,” said a pretty blond woman who’d been at the rear of the group. She offered me a tight smile and clasped her leather folder to her chest as she fluttered her lashes at Paxton. “We don’t want to keep the kids waiting.”

“No, we don’t,” he said, his lip quirking up at her obvious attempt to move him along.

Blondie bit back a gasp at his faint smile, and I turned away.

“You’re still staying at my place tonight, right, Han?” Paxton asked.

I froze, unsure how to respond to his blatant claim to my time—to me.

“I…”

“Great,” Paxton said, his eyes holding mine. “Ida Jane’s making dinner. And Maxim wanted to ask you about the cable mountings for the space elevator. He’s been reading up on the subject.”

I offered a wilted smile. “Great.”

“I’ll wait for you—give you a lift. Save gas and the planet.”

Oh, he’d backed me into a corner, the sweet jerk. “Great,” I said again, already planning how I could sneak out—and not stay at his place.

“I’ll be waiting,” he said.

Those words landed hard on my chest, drilling into my heart. I lifted my chin. “I guess we’ll see, won’t we?”

Paxton stepped closer, and Laurie followed. “Yes, we will. Because I’ll always be here for you, Hana.”

He turned and Laurie mirrored his action, trotting to keep up with his stride. “Ith thee your girlfriend?” Laurie asked, her high voice carrying.

I winced.

“She’s more than that,” Paxton replied in his much deeper rumble. “She’s my world.”

“Thee can’t be that, thilly,” Laurie said with disdain. “You live on Earth.”

Paxton looked back at me, his expression yearning. “That’s true, but Hana’s still my world. Both can be true.” He turned and headed into a wide arch, lit by tiny pinpricks of light to represent stars.

I released the breath I’d been holding. Why did my body and even my heart continue to give Paxton Naese such a hold over me? He was going to break my heart again. If not right away, then once he saw my scars—or when a more fun, more beautiful woman caught his eye. That’s what he’d told me before, that I wasn’t enough for him.

I couldn’t forget that lesson.

“Well, I see you and your young man are still together. How delightful.” Dr. Gerenstein beamed at me from behind smudged lenses. “Let’s head upstairs. The team’s all assembled and ready for you.”

I forced my grimace into a smile. “Great.” My word of the day meant anything but. “Lead the way.”

I really wanted to go to the restroom and adjust my brace, maybe splash some water on my face and give myself a pep talk. Instead, we were headed straight into the lion’s den, and I’d have to hope I didn’t embarrass myself.

I shifted my weight once we hit the elevator, thankful Dr. Gerenstein hadn’t pushed for the stairs. He peered at me over the rim of his tortoiseshell spectacles. “There’s a restroom to the right when we exit. I’d like to use it before we get into this meeting. If I know some of my colleagues, they’re eagerly waiting to press you on the space elevator, so I’d recommend being prepared for a marathon session.”

I blew out a breath and some of my nerves. “That would be great.”

He leaned in closer as the doors opened. “Well, much as I wish I’d been the one to think about all this, I had an email from one of our patrons earlier today, and he told me to be gentle with you.”

“Who?”

Dr. Gerenstein winked. “Well, now. If he’d wanted you to know that, he wouldn’t have contacted me. Let’s just say he’s an excellent ally.” Dr. Gerenstein ushered me off the elevator as I struggled to absorb the information he’d just dropped.

“He said you were the real architect of the project you’d been working on at Space Elevated, and he has grave concerns about Jeremy’s leadership moving forward. In fact, he’s recommended that NASA buy the company and roll it into our space program so the project can be completed—with you as team lead.”

Nausea roiled through my midsection. Who was pulling these strings for me? Paxton? But how?

“Here’s the restroom. I suspect your car accident left you stiff, so if you need to walk a few laps, just let me know.”

My eyes widened. “Who told you that?”

Dr. Gerenstein had known of my car accident, of course, as he’d been one of my professors. But I’d tried hard to downplay my needs.

“I read the emails you sent me from the hospital, Hana,” he said, looking at me evenly. “I’d hoped to meet with you, but you checked out earlier than you’d told me you would, and then you accepted the position with Jeremy—again, before I was able to talk to you.”

The gleam of intellect sparked in Dr. Gerenstein’s eyes, and I was certain he’d come to the same conclusion I had—that Jeremy had preempted his attempts to get me here, to NASA, a few years ago. Granted, then I’d needed the Space Elevated salary. Now, though, thanks to my diligence—and more years of penny-pinching—I’d be able to make a government salary work. Probably.

I’d figure that out because I wanted the job

“As you well know, the industry is small,” he noted, “and I’d been pretty vocal about my desire to have you join us on this particular team, just as Gunnar’s keen to have you join us now.”

“Gunnar?”

Dr. Gerenstein tilted his head. “Gunnar Evaldson. He’s the Wildcatters’ owner and involved in Space Elevated… He said he’d met you at an event?”

“Oh…oh!” Gunnar, the man I’d chatted with before Jeremy whisked me away. He was Paxton’s boss? I rubbed my forehead. That was a lot of coincidence. Had Paxton leaned on him to show an interest in me? “You’re sure this is from Gunnar Evaldson? Not Paxton?”

“He’s sure,” a voice said from behind me.

I whirled too quickly and had to catch myself on the wall as my leg threatened to give out for a second time. I sucked in a breath as pain seared through me. Dammit. I wanted to be at my best for this meeting. And here I was, wracked with near-crippling pain. My own fault, all of it. I hadn’t counted on Paxton being here or on Gunnar Evaldson, this eccentric, ice-eyed billionaire, to be interested in my work—my life.

Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he wanted to ensure Paxton was happy and focused. That made more sense than a bigwig being interested in me.

“Gunnar Evaldson,” the man said, offering his hand. He wore a faint smile, and his eyes were the steeliest gray I’d ever seen. “I can’t tell you how pleased I am to see you again, Ms. Sato.”

I inhaled sharply as we shook. “Did Paxton put you up to coming here today?” I hesitated. “Did he ask you to put in a good word for me?”

“No. He didn’t. And even if he had, it’s my money and my time. I came to hear your interview, mainly because I want some answers on the ballast plans you created for the elevator, which I think show exceptional promise.” He made a face. “And also because Jeremy Dorring refused to let me talk to you when I last visited Space Elevated.”

I was acutely aware of Gunnar’s sharp eyes as he stated that last bit. “I had no idea, Mr. Evaldson. I’m pleased to answer any questions you have on the design—as long as I don’t break my nondisclosure agreement.”

Gunnar leaned in a little closer. “Naese and I share an interest in space and in you, but I’m much more interested in space.”

I had to chuckle at his bluntness, charmed by the man who might well hold my future—and Paxton’s—in his large, callused hands.

* * *

Later that afternoon,I smiled at the group around the conference table as I finally leaned back against my seat. We’d talked for four hours—four! I’d answered questions and limped to the whiteboard, unconcerned about my impediment in my excitement to share the details of my design and the potential it had for moving goods into space.

The group of eleven scientists and engineers now rose to mill around, some waving their hands in excitement as they discussed parts of the design or its impact on space provisioning.

Dr. Gerenstein patted my shoulder. “Still as passionate about the work as ever, I see. I’ll walk you back downstairs. The team and I need to discuss your potential employment.”

He winked, which told me this was more of a formality than anything else. Still, nerves crested through my belly and chest.

“I’ll take her down with me,” Gunnar offered.

He and Dr. Gerenstein chatted for another moment while I collected my belongings and stretched my stiff leg and back.

Out in the hallway, Gunnar fell into step next to me, shortening his stride to match my own.

“How did you get access to this part of the agency?” I asked.

“A lot of money and the right connections,” he said.

I nodded. I’d seen how money held sway, especially in scientific settings. Experimentation was expensive.

“That was utterly fascinating,” Gunnar said. I offered him a shy smile. “I’ve never had anyone explain the physics so succinctly. What’s the end goal for this technology?”

I hesitated. “Well, clearly I’d prefer it be used to benefit society as opposed to wage better war.”

Gunnar chuckled. “That I can understand.” He sobered. “I’m the sole survivor of my parents’ children. I had two older brothers. One died protecting Sweden’s interest in the Arctic Circle. The other was a hockey player, killed by a homophobe after the Swedish team’s win at the Sochi Olympics.”

I touched his forearm as he jabbed at the elevator’s button. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”

He pulled himself out of the darkness and blinked at me. “Yes, me, too. For us both. I shared that so you’ll understand I’m not interested in more death or destruction either. But I am interested in sending carbon capture or methane—even heat, based on those reverse solar panels you mentioned—into deep space. That seems like it could help us win our war against the heating of the planet.”

I shook my head. “It may buy us some time, but not if we continue our same behaviors.”

We stepped into the elevator and faced the closing doors. “You’re an activist,” he accused. It was kindly, but still an accusation.

“I’m a pragmatist,” I emphasized. “And the way we fix this problem is by changing behavior. You’ve heard the Einstein quote about madness?”

“Indeed. I like it because it’s true. You cannot continue the same behavior and expect a different outcome.”

“Which is why the work that NASA or Space Elevated or any of the many hundreds, possibly thousands, of startups looking to change our behaviors or at least extend the chance to change those behaviors is imperative.”

“I look forward to debating this further, Hana,” he said as the doors opened. We stepped out, and he gestured toward Paxton, who sat in a chair nearby, flipping through a magazine. “I think now you have a date with your young man.”

I looked up at him, and Gunnar raised his eyebrow, as if daring me to deny my feelings for Pax. That had never been the issue.

“We’ll see if he thinks it’s one,” I said, refusing to back down. I’d been cowed by Jeremy’s position once, but I wouldn’t let another man intimidate me.

Gunnar’s eyes danced with mirth as he smiled, crooked and real—probably the first one I’d seen through the urbane fa?ade. “I like you, Hana. I can’t say that about just anyone.”

“Your hockey players? The staff?”

“Mmm... No. They’re a means to an end. Most of them I respect, and those I don’t, I remove.”

The ruthlessness of the statement was matched by the cold that had seeped into his expression.

“But I like you,” he confirmed. “I’ll be sure to tell Paxton so.”

“Thank you, Mr. Evaldson. And for the record, the admiration is mutual.”

He chuckled as he stepped forward to shake Paxton’s hand. Then he leaned in and spoke into Pax’s ear. Pax’s eyes darted to mine. I waited, fingers laced at my waist, for Paxton and Gunnar to finish their moment.

Paxton gave a stiff nod and said thank you. Gunnar offered a wave as he headed out.

“That man is a force of nature,” I said, staring after him.

“He thinks highly of you.”

I refocused on Paxton, surprised to hear jealousy in his tone. I opened my mouth to correct him, but then snapped it shut again. Let Pax stew. He deserved to wonder, to be uncomfortable about my situation. “He’s a nice man,” I said, unable to hurt Paxton. “At least he was nice to me.”

Pax nodded. “That’s because he likes your mind. So much so he’s thinking about creating a thinktank specifically so he can hire you.”

I saw the uncertainty in Paxton’s eyes, and my heart melted a bit. He was so confident on the ice. Even when it came to space, he more than held his own. Paxton had started his degree in astrophysics, and he’d made it through the first three years of the program before his agent had pushed him into the draft. Knowing Pax, he’d probably continued to take a class or two each semester; he wanted a college degree because he loved learning and experimenting. I was sure further education was in his future, and I could see him working for the space agency one day.

People might call him a dumb jock, but nothing could be further from the truth. He was brilliant both in mind and physical prowess, which was why I couldn’t fathom his continued interest in me. I wasn’t physically able any longer. The accident had taken something vital from me—my full range of movement. I tired easily, and I’d never run—let alone walk—without a limp. I was scarred.

“You ready to go?” Pax asked. “I thought you might want to drop your stuff at my place before we head down the street to Maxim’s for dinner.”

I nodded, though I contemplated my position as Paxton’s guest and having interviewed for a position thanks to his boss, and how that made me feel, even as Paxton and I bantered during the long, traffic-choked drive.

“Houston’s huge,” I said, looking out the window.

“It is. Surprisingly cultured, too,” Paxton replied.

“It’s just so…”

“Everything,” Paxton finished. “I know. You can find anything here—any food, any trinket, culture from all over the world. That is, if you know where to look.”

“You like it,” I said, surprised.

“It’s grown on me. I’ve always liked the Wildcatters. I was stoked when they traded for me because I knew I was coming to a well-run and well-respected team. Gunnar cares about hockey more than most owners.”

“Probably because his brother played for Sweden’s national team.”

Paxton shot me a look, eyebrows at his hairline. “He told you that?”

“Yes.”

“You know more about the man than any of my teammates, then. And Mac’s the closest to Gunnar of all of us.”

“Let me guess: you’re all intimidated by him.”

“Of course we are! He’s a billionaire! Our boss.”

“He’s just a man, Paxton.”

“That’s like saying you’re just a woman.”

“I am.”

“No,” he growled. “You’re much more than just anything, Hana. You’re smart, poised, beautiful. Hell, you have one of the richest men in the world playing your champion…”

I snort-laughed. “We have similar interests. That’s all.”

“Don’t,” Paxton begged.

“Don’t what?” I looked over at him.

“Don’t diminish yourself—what you’re capable of, what you’ve accomplished.”

I studied him, and the moment dragged out as tension—sexual tension—ratcheted up between us. I wasn’t ready for that.

Paxton glanced away and accelerated, moving us forward three whole car lengths.

This time, I remained quiet as I stared out the window. I wasn’t sure I could handle more of Paxton’s thoughtfulness. It made me want him too much.

Eventually he turned in to a neighborhood with tall oaks that shaded the sidewalk and huge homes that sat back from the street. The pitched roofs done in slate or terracotta seemed to touch the hazy blue of the sky. Each yard was jewel green and neat, the driveways snaking back behind wrought-iron gates.

If we hadn’t just spent over an hour bucking traffic, I wouldn’t have known we were in the Houston city limits. I swallowed my shock when Paxton pulled into a driveway. The gate slid open, seemingly without even a remote click, and he drove up toward the large, white house. It had black shutters and thick flowerbeds that cradled massive trees. The front door was painted gleaming black with a brass knocker in the shape of… I squinted. “Is that a spiral?”

Paxton followed my finger and cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

“Is that the Milky Way?” I asked. Ours was thought to be an excellent example of a spiral galaxy, in part because the Hubble telescope had been able to photograph it, so we had images to view—unlike some of the galaxies we believed to be hundreds or thousands of light years from ours.

“Yeah.”

I pressed my lips together, unsure what to think. Paxton had the Milky Way galaxy on the door to his home. My focus, from the moment I fell in love with aerospace engineering, had been the Milky Way.

Today had been such a sea of emotions, with all the vagaries of an untamed body of water. I felt myself at low tide now, a bit laggy and unsure how best to proceed.

Pulling in a huge breath, I turned to face Paxton just as he parked his sleek, foreign sedan in the cool dimness of the four-car garage.

“I’m really confused right now,” I blurted.

“Something I can help with?” he asked as he slid the shifter into park. With a touch of a button, he turned off the fancy car and faced me.

I gripped the edge of the buttery soft leather and swallowed, needing a moment to compose my emotions into words. “Loving you was easy, Paxton.” I raised my gaze to meet his. His eyes were direct and guileless, showing me his soul, just as he used to. “I was completely unprepared for you dumping me.”

I bit my lip as we both flinched. He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand. If he interrupted, I wasn’t sure I could get these next words out—and they held the key to our future. If he really wanted one.

“You leaving started a chain reaction that I can still feel in here,” I pressed a hand to my temple, then my leg. “You leaving is tied up with pain and fear and grief and…and being here, just sitting with you now, means that’s in my head, warring with my mind about whether I’m safe and won’t be hurt again. But the pain—not just my heartache over losing you, but what happened to my body—is, well, imprinted. And I want to run away, because right or wrong, I equate that with you.”

My breath sawed out between my lips, and I blinked back tears. “I don’t know if I can stay here, if I can be with you. I’m—this is a lot for me, Paxton. That’s why I asked if you’d be gone. I thought maybe, maybe if I dipped my toe in, it wouldn’t be as overwhelming. But I’m freaking out, and I…I…” The sob hitched my shoulders to my ears and bowed my back. I shoved my fists against my lips, not wanting to break down.

“Ah, Hana. Dammit. I don’t know what to say. How to fix it.”

I closed my burning eyes, no longer trying to fight the tears. “I don’t know if you can. My mind is telling me to flee and protect myself. And part of me wants to do that, desperately.”

He absorbed that a moment. “What does the rest of you want?”

I smiled, though it drifted away. “For you to hold me. To make everything better.” I looked over at his tortured expression. “That’s the whole knot. I want you even as I know I shouldn’t. Even as my mind and body remind me of what happened when I did before. I can’t express how much that accident changed me. It broke me, Pax, and fair or not, it’s all tangled up with you.”