14. Hana
Paxton had said hardly a word since I showed him, Maxim, and Ida Jane my leg back at their place.
I’d taken that risk because already, I could feel myself falling for Paxton again. He needed to understand the complexity of my health, how badly damaged I was. My leg was hideous—I knew that—but I hadn’t expected him to withdraw from it. Disgusted, sure. I could understand that. I felt it when I looked at my leg, just as I also felt such gratitude to still have it, even on the bad days when it swelled and itched and burned.
We’d walked over to Maxim and Ida Jane’s house because it was only a quarter mile or so, but Paxton hadn’t seemed like he wanted me to walk back. I’d been just as adamant about using the two legs I still had. As a result, we’d walked most of the way in silence, and when he opened his door, I was exhausted. I headed for the couch and settled on it with a long sigh. Closing my eyes, I relished the faint throb in my leg. At least it was no longer a burning ache.
Paxton settled next to me and pulled my leg up onto his thick thigh.
“What are you doing?” I asked, opening an eye.
“I had no idea, Hana.”
“I know. I didn’t tell you.”
“You could have died in that accident.”
“I almost did. Well, afterward. I was in bad shape, not just my leg.”
He laid his warm palms on my shin, and I moaned at how good that felt. He slid his hands up and down over my pant leg with just enough force to ease some of the tension in the stiff, overworked muscle.
“Want to take a bath? Would that help with the stiffness?” he asked.
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “I don’t have a bathtub, so I’m not sure.”
Before I could say anything else, Paxton hauled me into his arms and started up the stairs off the entryway.
“What—why…?”
I couldn’t finish my sentence. Being this close to Paxton—wrapped in his arms, settled against his chest—set off a wave of longing that hit me deep in my soul. I looped my arms around his neck and pressed my nose into the indentation at his throat.
“I’m taking you to my bathtub. It has jets. Those help ease my bruises, so I’m thinking it’ll help with your scar tissue.”
I loved how easily he held me. “Nothing’s going to turn that skin supple again,” I said. “I’ll always be scarred.”
He inhaled deeply and blew it out with enough force to part my hair. “I know that.” He set me down gently in his bathroom, a wonderland of marble, glass, and brushed nickel. It wasn’t as overly large as I’d expected, but I hadn’t seen much of Paxton’s house yet. We’d come in through the mudroom off the main entryway earlier, and he’d taken me up the stairs to the guest room. We’d left through the front door a few minutes after that to go to dinner, and I’d only made it as far as the first seating spot in the living room afterward.
I swayed on my feet, completely done in by the flight, the extended intellectual conversation at NASA, and my much more emotionally fraught one with Paxton this evening. A hot bath sounded decadent.
I clasped the cool marble countertop and watched quietly as Paxton filled the tub. Once it was a bit more than halfway, he turned on the jets, causing a thick froth of bubbles to form.
He gnawed on his lip as he looked at me, then back at the tub. “You look wasted. I’m kind of afraid to leave you alone to get in and get out.”
I swallowed, nodding. “I might fall asleep in there,” I admitted.
He hissed a breath. “I’ll close my eyes while you undress, but I’m not leaving you alone, Hana.” His voice held a layer of steel.
I chose not to argue. “The water’s probably full enough,” I said.
He shut off the taps, and while his back was turned, I took a moment to enjoy the lines of his strong back and firm, thick buttocks. Hockey players had the best butts in sports, no question.
I pulled off my cardigan and set it on the counter. Next, I began unbuttoning my blouse. Paxton stared, transfixed by the progression of my fingers, until I cleared my throat. He flashed a sheepish grin before he slammed his eyes shut with a muttered apology.
My blouse joined my cardigan in the growing pile as I flicked the clasp of my bra. My breasts were a good handful but not as generous as many women’s. I wondered how they matched up to the others Paxton had seen. With a head shake and a sigh, I set my bra aside.
“What’s that about? Something hurt?” Paxton’s hands fisted but he kept his eyes closed.
Warmth seeped across my exposed chest and settled around my heart. If I received an offer and accepted the position here, I’d be able to be near Paxton…close enough for us to explore whatever remained between us.
Like he’d said earlier, for us to be healthy, we had to communicate honestly. So, though it went against my no-confrontation policy, I said, “I was wondering how I compared to the other women you’ve been with.”
“Hana.” His voice cracked. He tilted his head back and stared up at the ceiling. Even from this angle, I could make out the furrow between his brows.
“Strip down with me, Paxton,” I said, shocking us both. His gaze flew to mine and held. I stood there, naked from the waist up. “Isn’t that what this is? A chance for us to be vulnerable—naked with each other?” I licked my lower lip, and he tracked the motion. “I’m not going to have sex with you tonight. This is…too fragile between us. But like I told you before, I miss you holding me.” My voice broke as I uttered my truth. God, how I missed his embrace. I’d never felt as safe as I did in Paxton’s arms.
“You’re sure?” he asked.
No. “Yes.”
He kicked off his shoes while his hand went to the button of his jeans. I watched, awed, as he revealed muscled thighs under tight cotton underwear. I gulped, trying hard not to fixate on the bulge between his legs. He caught my furtive glance and chuckled.
“You can look at me any time you want, baby. I’m excited you’re here, excited to be with you—in more ways than one.”
I swallowed harshly as I realized he wouldn’t—couldn’t continue to want me once he saw the rest of my scars. I forced my fingers to undo my pants and unzip them, letting them pile around my boots. The brace was stiff against my skin, which cooled as the air hit it, reminding me again that I was not perfect like Paxton.
He’d bent down to shuck his underwear, so I knew the moment he saw my battered legs. The left was the worst—the one that had been crushed by the twisted metal, but my right leg had also broken, along with my left arm, which had a surgical scar just below my elbow where the doctors reset that bone.
“Oh, Hana,” Paxton murmured. “What you went through…”
“I’m fine,” I responded. But it was a knee-jerk reaction, given without any real thought.
“No, baby. You’re not. And I just left.” He scooted forward on his knees and pressed his nose to my belly. He wrapped me in his thick, strong arms, a palm between my shoulder blades and the other at the curve of my spine to the top swell of my buttocks. He enveloped me, made me feel warm and safe, and…
I choked off a sob.
“I’m here now, Hana. I won’t leave you again.”
With those words, the dam burst, and my sobs grew, turning thick and ugly, shaking my whole frame. Paxton whispered encouragement and words of love as he held me. The storm lasted a long time, and my head and eyes ached when it finally passed. My nose was stuffy, and I feared to catch a glimpse of my reflection. I must look hideous. I did.
Paxton met my watery eyes with his patient ones. He rose with a slight wince. He’d been on his knees this whole time.
“I’m sorry…” I began.
“Stop.” He grabbed a tissue from the counter and blotted my cheeks before he swiped under my nose.
I was so stupefied by the crying jag and by the way he cared for me that I let him. I let him. “I should go…” I couldn’t think straight. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My leg hurt.
“Into the tub with you, baby.” Paxton tossed the tissue in the trash can next to his sink and hooked his thumbs into my panties. “Okay?”
Was it? Paxton had just held me through a crying jag, naked on his knees. He stood before me now, big and sturdy and calm. I forced myself to nod.
This might be metaphorical—maybe even silly—to be physically naked together. But I needed him to expose his vulnerability, like he’d said.
He slid my panties down my thighs, and his fingertips left a trail of warmth in their wake. I shivered, and he chuckled with dark intent. At my feet, he removed my shoes and ankle socks, then my pants and undies. I stood before him in just my leg brace.
He touched the brace where it latched above my knee. “Does this need to come off?”
I nodded even as I brushed his fingers aside and undid the clasp. I grunted as the full weight of my leg hit the ground without support. Paxton swept me into his arms and then into the warm, frothy water in the tub, settling behind me. He used his long leg to flick the hot water tap open.
“Got too cool,” he said against my ear. He held me close, my bottom nestled to his crotch, as the water warmed and the tub filled to dangerous levels. He nudged my left leg upward until my knee was positioned right at one of the jets. My head dropped back, and my back arched, shoving my rear end tighter against his lap as the water hit a sore spot.
“Good?” he rasped.
Yes. I could feel his growing interest in my wet body pressed against his. I nodded, too focused on the tension building, building, building in my thigh…
With another moan, I sagged back against him as the discomfort eased. I whimpered, shocked by how similar that release had been to an orgasm. I settled my cheek against his shoulder, my nose pressed into his neck, giving Paxton control over my body.
And it felt right. As it was supposed to be.
Which was when I realized my mind had been fighting my heart since the moment I heard his voice in the hallway of Space Elevated all those weeks ago. I was in love with Paxton. Like he’d said, I always would be. He was a part of me; we’d connected that first time we met, when he was eight and I seven years old, and nothing, not even his leaving me, could make me stop.
He held me securely, and I let myself drift in the safety of his embrace.
“If you get the job at NASA, you should move in with me, Hana.”
“What?”
“Move in with me.” His lips brushed across my brow. “I don’t want to be apart from you again—any longer. We can be roommates, if that’s what you want, need. As long as you’re here with me, I’ll be happy.”
“I…” The tension crept back into my loosened muscles. “That seems fast.”
“I’ve known you for seventeen of my twenty-four years. I’ve loved you for each of those. Nothing about this is fast or without lots of consideration. I’m not asking you to fall into bed with me, though I would love to worship you, believe me.”
“I’m not ready for that.”
“Why?”
He hadn’t asked because he expected me to fall into bed with him. He was asking because he wanted me to elaborate on my answer, which I didn’t want to do. I pulled in a breath from between my teeth. “Because I’m not sexy. Or beautiful like the women you’ve been with?—”
He flipped me over so quickly, I didn’t even have time to gasp. We were nose-to-nose, and his gaze burned into mine.
“You, Hana Sato, are the love of my life. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, and fun. No one else compares. Could compare to you.” He waited, his eyes slightly narrowed as if daring me to argue.
“The water’s overflowing the tub,” I said.
He cursed and flipped off the tap, then used the same foot to open the drain. I studied him, considering his offer—gobsmacked to find I was considering his offer.
He seemed to feel my inspection and returned my stare boldly. “Stay with me,” he said again. It was a demand but also a plea.
“I need to get the job first,” I said. And I need to know that you mean what you’ve said. I want to believe you. Paxton, please don’t play games with my heart. I’m not sure I can handle a second heartbreak.
The pain of Paxton leaving me the first time mixed again with the agony of my broken body, my brother’s screams, my mother’s blood.
“You will.”
I blinked, the nightmare my mind had recreated faded away, and I gripped Paxton’s slick skin under my hands, grounding myself. A ripple pulsed up my spine as I tried to calm my racing heart. I tried to avoid those memories; they left me clammy and wiped out. “We’ll see,” I finally told him.
“I’m holding you to that,” he said as he gathered me even closer.
I loved how he cradled me, enjoyed the feeling of peace that permeated the safety of his embrace, yet I couldn’t quite bring myself to relax fully against him again.
The pain and fear had burrowed deep into my psyche, possibly too deep for me to root out.