16. Hana
If I hadn’t seen the longing in Paxton’s expression, I would have assumed something stupidly terrible like he’d found my scars too hideous and couldn’t wait to get away from me. But that wasn’t what I saw, and what he said…I was slowly beginning to accept.
I was still standing in the same spot, working through Paxton’s comments when the garage door opened again, and minute later a friendly, feminine voice called out, “Hello!”
Who the hell was at Paxton’s place at seven thirty in the morning?
Ida Jane poked her head around the corner, her blond hair nearly as shiny as her smile. “Good! You’re up. Maxim left me the hulking beast of a vehicle so we can go shopping. Tell me, what’s your budget?”
I blinked at her, my mouth slightly parted. These people didn’t communicate on my plane. Budget? Shopping? “What?”
“Paxton said he’d invited you to move in here, and I’m sure you plan to make it look less like a…”
“College dorm room?” I asked with a wrinkle of my nose. I turned toward the sparse living room furnishings, all facing the nearly cinema-sized flat-screen TV.
“I think it’s crazy because he made such an effort in the kitchen, and then he refused to let me use that gorgeous machine.” Ida Jane looked longingly at the French range I’d just freaked out over. “At least he has a nice bedroom,” she added.
If I believed what Paxton said—and I did; so help me, I did. Still…this was all moving too quickly. My head spun, and I couldn’t gain firm emotional footing. I needed more time to process, to consider my options.
“I’m not sure moving in with Paxton is a good idea, even if I were to get the job with NASA. And, well, Paxton built out the kitchen based on a silly scrapbook I put together in college.”
Ida Jane shook her head. “That is terribly romantic. Damn these huge, burly specimens of athletic prowess for being so sensitive.” She shot me a sly glance. “Want to start up that range? We could make a feast.”
I smiled as I shook my head. “The first time it’s used, Paxton needs to be here.”
“Ah! I knew it,” she crowed. “You plan to come back.”
“I…” I twisted my fingers together.
“Tea,” Ida Jane mused. “It’s more soothing than coffee, and Paxton said you prefer it. Then I think I need to gather the troops. Millie, Naomi, and Keelie will want to be here for this big reveal you’re just dying to share. Don’t worry, they’ve all been through something similar.” Ida Jane moved through the kitchen like she’d been here before, and I swallowed the stab of jealousy.
Paxton had spent multiple years living his life without me, just as I… “I always expected him to come back,” I said. I blinked in shock at those words I’d never let myself dwell on. I slammed my mouth shut, unwilling to say more.
Ida Jane looked up at me as she set the mugs on the counter. “What kind of tea do you want?”
“I’m not sure.” I moved closer and looked around. With faint annoyance, I asked, “Where are the options?”
Ida Jane’s eyes sparkled as she led me to a pantry-style set of cabinets. She opened the top two doors, and I gasped in dismayed delight.
“He went to the tea store when he found out you were coming to town.”
“And bought every single tea they had?—”
“Except Earl Grey because, and I quote, ‘Hana doesn’t like it. She thinks it tastes like a dirty sock and moldy orange’,” Ida Jane noted.
I giggled as I shook my head, my eyes never leaving the treasure trove of teas. There were boxes and boxes of them lined up neatly.
“This must have cost a fortune,” I murmured.
“It sure did,” Ida Jane chirped. “Pick something yummy for me, too. I’ll get the CATS over. We have some deep emotional work to do before the retail therapy.”
I looked over my shoulder. “I don’t really have the budget?—”
Ida Jane’s scoff cut me off. “Paxton gave me his card. We’re going to smoke that sucker.” She grinned brightly as she clicked on the electric kettle. “Tea. CATS. We got stuff to do, my friend.”
* * *
Once they wereall gathered around Paxton’s saw-milled maple kitchen table—also something I’d added to my dream-house scrapbook—I told the women the story of me and Paxton, mainly because I was tired of trying to shoulder the burden by myself. When I got to him breaking up with me, all four of them sat forward, eyes wide.
“Asshole,” Keelie muttered.
“Shh!” Naomi said, waving her hand.
“You’re right, Kee,” Millie said, bumping her friend’s shoulder. “That was a douche move.”
“Shh!” Naomi said more forcefully. “I gotta hear the next part.”
I offered a faint smile and launched into my teary, sleepless night and the realization that I should talk to Paxton. Then came the photos of him partying with all the women at that bar. So I explained that I’d done what I never had before: I’d called my mother for support. She’d insisted on picking me up, which surprised me. I was even more shocked when I realized she’d brought Aiki.
In the car, she’d told me I should consider taking a trip—right in the middle of my semester. That she’d packed a bag for me, and I could visit my father’s relatives in Tokyo. Then I’d realized Aiki was driving strangely, and I’d tried to stop him. He’d ignored me, sped through a red light, and smashed into oncoming traffic.
“You didn’t know he was on something?” Ida Jane asked.
“I had no idea my brother was high when they showed up. None. If I had, I wouldn’t have gotten in that car, and I wouldn’t have let my mother ride with him. For the record, Aiki being moody and surly was pretty much expected.”
I stared down into the dregs of my tea. I’d tried an herbal blend meant to soothe and relax. I wasn’t sure it had worked, but it tasted delicious. “Because he was high, he was cited for that and a slew of other things besides just causing the accident. Between his bills from the accident and my medical bills from the doctors patching me back up, we had to sell the house. He made that decision while I was still in the hospital. It would have been okay, I guess, but he used all the money for his legal defense.” Once again proving I couldn’t rely on the men in my life.
“Do you miss the house?” Naomi asked.
I shook my head. “My only happy memories there involved Paxton.”
“Which brings us back to the gazillion-dollar question,” Millie said. “Why did his father push him so hard to break up with you?”
I tilted my head. “I’ve wondered that, too. Mr. Naese was always kind to me, if a bit disinterested. Though I did hear him ask Pax once why he wanted to spend his free time with me and not at the rink.”
“Ah. One of those dads,” Millie said with a curl to her lip. “I hate the controlling ones the most.”
“As you should,” Ida Jane agreed, patting her shoulder. “Millie can tell you about her horrible dad after we get to the bottom of this muddle.”
I shook my head. “There isn’t a muddle. Paxton broke up with me, I broke, literally, and now he wants to make amends, possibly try for another shot as a couple since he hasn’t been able to find what he’s looking for in another woman.” If I believed what he said, that wasn’t exactly true of his motivation. But close enough for now.
Naomi wrapped her arm around me and laid her head on my shoulder. The comfort was as shocking as the familiarity. “Sometimes you have to shatter. We aren’t meant to bend and twist forever. And sometimes that break makes us stronger.”
“Not until we manage to pick up the shattered bits, though,” Millie said. She launched into her history and how hard it had been to lose her mother, live with her father, and how little she’d trusted Luka when he came into her life.
“I’m here to tell you good things can happen again, especially after the pain. I think—though Ida Jane can probably speak to this better—that sometimes you need that valley, that ultimate low, to understand just how wonderful the love you’re being offered is.”
I shoved back from the table, antsy with emotion. “But Paxton and I were in love back then. We had our future mapped out. We were happy.” My lower lip quivered but I firmed it. No more tears. I hated that I’d broken down with Pax last night, even though I knew I’d needed that release.
I met the gaze of each of the women sitting at Paxton’s table—the very one I’d seen in the Amish furniture shop I’d dragged him into on that weekend we’d slipped down to Pennsylvania during my sophomore year of college.
“Happiness doesn’t last,” Ida Jane said. She smiled kindly. “It’s an emotion, which means it changes. Stressors pushed you two apart for a reason?—”
“Exactly!” I exclaimed.
“Can you honestly say you’re not interested in Paxton? That you don’t find him sexy?” Ida Jane raised an eyebrow. “That you weren’t envious that I knew my way around his kitchen better than you?”
The women smirked and leaned back. Irritation swirled through me, but like a dust devil, it dissipated as I stared at their open expressions. They weren’t pushing me into Paxton’s arms, but they sure did bring a whole bucketload of truth, which I’d intentionally pulled back from last night with Paxton.
They wouldn’t let me hide because they knew, in the long run, I’d hurt myself more by doing so. With a jolt, I realized this was what it was like to have close friends. Besides Paxton, I’d never had this community before. And they’d accepted me because they loved him.
I sucked in a breath past my achy throat. “I want him. I can admit I still love him, which he knows. And he’s told me he loves me, too.” I resettled in my chair and stared down at my tightly clasped hands.
I jolted when Naomi laid her tanned hand over mine. “But sometimes love doesn’t feel like it’s enough,” she said. “Or it feels like a prison. Right?”
I gave a brief nod.
“Because you don’t have the trust to back those feelings up,” Ida Jane said.
“And without the trust,” Keelie added, leaning closer so that she, too, could clasp my hand, “you’re flailing in the wind. Scared out of your mind. At least I was.”
“As a smart lady once told me, that’s why they call it falling in love,” Millie said.
“It’s a leap over a seemingly huge, empty chasm,” Naomi said.
“But if you don’t give yourself the opportunity to let trust grow and flourish, you’ll stay here, in this horrid limbo,” Keelie said. “It’s the absolute worst place, even if it does feel safe right now.”
Huh, she got it, too. From the sadness in her eyes, I knew she’d had her own fears, which continued to linger despite her obvious happiness with Cormac.
“It takes strength to move forward,” Ida Jane said. “But it’s also the only way out of the…” She pursed her lips, clearly seeking a good metaphor.
“The shit river at the bottom of the hell valley you find yourself in,” Naomi said.
We all gaped at Naomi, who calmly sipped her tea, then smacked her lips.
“Such a way with words,” Millie said before she snorted a giggle and we all burst into hysterics.