Chapter 4
four
Jeremy
Hey, man.” There’s a tap against the doorframe, and I turn my head to see Cam resting against it.
“Hey, dude.” I push my body further up my bed, my arms shaking under the weight. “I wasn’t expecting anyone today.”
“Yeah.” He walks in. “I was in the area, so I thought I’d stop in and see how you were doing. You look even better than the last time I saw you.”
“They’ve got me doing PT. I think it’s absolute bullshit, but Dr. Franklin insists my body is getting stronger.”
I don’t believe him, though. I used to be able to squat over two times my body weight, and now I can’t even shift myself up my bed without my arms trembling.
“It worked before.” Cam drops into a chair across from me, his hands running up and down the arms. “You won’t know until you try.”
“Yeah, well, before I was working to get back to something. I had hockey at the end of it, but now I’m trying to get my fucking legs working enough to be able to piss by myself.”
Cam’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, man. I know this isn’t your fault.” I run my hands over my face. “I’m just sick and tired of sitting in this fucking bed, looking at these stupid walls, and hoping that if I focus hard enough, my toes will move.”
“Don’t apologize, Jere. I can’t even pretend to imagine how you’re feeling right now.”
“Still, you came all this way to visit me, and I’m being a complete ass.”
“I didn’t come far. I was in the neighborhood.”
I chuckle.
“In the neighborhood? We’re an hour away from campus, which means you’re an hour away from your apartment, and you’re telling me you were in the neighborhood.”
“That’s what I said.” He taps the chair. “I know this is the last thing you want to hear right now, and honestly, I’m probably not the person you’d want to hear this from, but if there’s anyone who can find a way through this, it’s you.”
“What do you mean?” I cross my arms, focusing on him.
“Jere, you’re the guy who’s always carried us through the hard things. Even though it might feel like it right now, this isn’t the end of the world. If there’s anyone who can come out of this even stronger, it’s you.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“You’re done with hockey after this season. Do you regret never planning to go pro? I guess you still could by—”
“I don’t regret it.” He doesn’t even hesitate. “Life is short, Jere, and it’s fragile. There’s no time to have regrets.”
“But you were such a sought-after goalie. I mean, when we were kids, all of us would sit in Declan’s living room, eating junk food after practice, talking about how we can’t wait to play in those crazy arenas and be on a pro team. What changed?”
“My priorities.” He shrugs. “I love hockey, I do. It’s given me a lot of really important people in my life. I mean, without hockey, who knows if my sister would’ve met the love of her life, but one day I just realized that wasn’t the life I wanted.”
“How did you know?”
Cam’s eyes drop to his hands. His fingers fidget together before he looks back up at me.
“When I was with… Maia—” he scratches the back of his head. “We used to talk about our future. What our lives would look like, and when we talked about our dreams and kids, I just realized going pro would hold her back from her dream so that I could live out mine.”
“A lot of families make it work.”
“Yeah, they do, but I realized I didn’t want to make it work.
I could’ve gone into the NHL draft, been drafted, gone to school to give myself a backup plan, and then jumped into playing pro.
Then I thought about all the nights on the road.
All of the nights away from the only girl I’ve ever loved, and suddenly hockey didn’t really matter to me. ”
“And now that—”
How do I bring up Maia? Especially knowing what I know… and knowing that he doesn’t—
“Maia and I aren’t together?”
“Yeah, do you regret not choosing to go pro?”
“Not even a little bit. Honestly, in a lot of ways, I’m ready to close this chapter of my life. As much as I love the game, I don’t know if my body could put up with it for another ten years. If I were even lucky enough to play another ten years.”
“How did you figure out what to do next? Like, I’ve been in school for the last three years for business management, but I never truly thought about what I was going to do with it.
” I chuckle. “Yes, it was a backup plan, but I never planned on using it. This isn’t how my life was supposed to play out.
I’ve been picturing my hockey career since I was a child, and it never ended like this. ”
“I think that’s the hardest part, Jere. I got the choice, and even though things changed for me, I don’t regret it because I made up my mind about the game long ago.
You never deserved this, and even worse, you didn’t get a choice in this.
But I meant what I said. You wanted a backup plan for a reason, Jere.
And maybe your life isn’t going to end up how you imagined, but sometimes that’s the beauty in it. ”
My eyes narrow at him.
“Maybe the world has something even better in store for you. And the longer you think about what you’ll never have, the more likely you are to miss it.”
I’m just saying, I don’t understand how this is helping me get stronger,” I argue. “ I’m not doing anything. You’re doing all the work.”
“Muscle memory.” Liam glances up at me as he returns my leg to the mat.
“I’m making sure that your unaffected muscles continue to strengthen, and the more we do this, hopefully the more function you’ll get back in your legs.
Plus, we aren’t just working on your legs, we’re strengthening your upper body—”
“Because it’s the part of my body I’m going to need to rely on from now on?”
“No, because I’m going to work until you get feeling back in your legs, and then we’re going to work until you’re up and walking again.”
“I’m pretty sure this time next week I’ll be home, and you won’t be my PT anymore.”
I don’t know what life will be like once I’m home. So much has changed since the last time I was there, and as excited as I am to be out of the hospital, I don’t know if I’m necessarily excited to be home.
“Just because you’ll be at a physical therapy office closer to your house doesn’t mean I won’t be involved every step of the way. Do they have you working with Lacey again?”
I shake my head as he helps me back into my chair.
“They have me with Christian.”
“Probably because Lacey was sick of your attitude the last time you were in PT with her.”
“Hey, I was a star student during PT freshman year, Lacey loved me.”
“What happened to that star student behavior?”
“I no longer have hockey to look forward to.” I shrug. “You heard Dr. Franklin, even if I get feeling back in my legs, my days of playing hockey are over.”
“Professionally. Your days of playing hockey professionally are over. If you work your ass off, there’s a chance you’re on skates again in a year, Jeremy. I know your whole life has been surrounded by hockey and playing in the NHL, but—”
“But it’s something I’ll never have again, so I should get over it?”
“That’s not what I was going to say. Maybe the world has something more in mind for you.”
I don’t say anything else. I don’t know what kind of fucked up world this is. If right before I’m about to finally get my dream, I get run off the road and lose it all.
“I know you’ve probably heard this a million times in the last couple of weeks since you woke up, but your life isn’t over, Jeremy. By some miracle, you made it out of your car that night, alive. Now it’s up to you to find out why.”