Chapter 11
eleven
Jeremy
Look at you.” Lacey’s eyes light up as she takes me in.
“So, you’re happy to be stuck with me for the next two weeks?”
“Are you kidding? I’m always happy to have you back on my rotation. I wish it were under different circumstances, like your weekly sessions to make sure you weren’t pushing yourself too hard, but—”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about my weekly sessions anymore, not for hockey anyway.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, and I promise not to mention it again, or at least try not to, but I’m so sorry, Jeremy.” The light leaves her eyes. Not that I thought she was lying, but the softness taking over in her eyes tells me she’s being honest.
“I know. Me too.”
“Any new updates on the guy? I saw some stuff on the news a few weeks ago, they didn’t say much, didn’t even release your name, but basically that the case was cold.”
“They don’t really have anything to go on. They were hoping I’d remember some significant details when I woke up, and when I didn’t, they were hoping in time I would, but nothing.”
“I can’t believe the fucker just left.”
I hold back my laugh.
“Is it unprofessional to say that in front of a client?”
“It’s me, Lace. You’ve been putting up with me on and off for nearly three years.
I think we’re past being professional.” My eyes look out the giant windows, scanning the area, as if she’d still be here.
“Speaking of being professional, or not, you wouldn’t happen to know the redhead who just left? ”
“I can’t confirm or deny knowing her. Why?”
“I don’t know. We nearly ran into each other. I mean, I almost took her out with this chair, but I don’t know, there was just something about her.”
I don’t think she was staring at me, at least not because of the chair. But she was definitely staring, and I’m not even mad, because I was doing the same thing.
Or maybe everything that has happened has gotten to my head, and I’m reading into something that’s not really happening.
We almost ran into each other; of course, she was looking at me.
“Well, you’ll have to hope you run into her again sometime because I’ve basically told you everything I can about her.”
“You told me nothing.”
“Exactly.” Lacey smiles, grabs her clipboard, and looks through the exercises. “Alright, you ready to get started? Trust me, we have your whole session to catch up.”
“Not just this session, a couple weeks’ worth of sessions.”
“Which I know you’re going to love.” She pats me on the shoulder before pointing to the bench nearby.
I adjust myself in my wheelchair, prop myself up onto the bench, and lie back. It’s weird how this has almost become second nature. I used to have to think about lifting myself onto things or in the car, and now it’s like my body knows what to do.
I wish it would just tell my legs to work again.
I wish it were that easy.
July
It’s been a month since I woke up from my coma, and I don’t feel like my legs are getting any stronger.
In so many ways, I feel like things are getting worse. No matter how easy I take it during PT, I wake up the next day in pain.
Every day I’m in pain, and for what? To never get to do the one thing I’ve trained my entire life for.
“How’s PT been?” My mom stabs a piece of chicken and puts it in her mouth.
I’m home for the weekend, and by weekend, just tonight and tomorrow, then my dad is driving me back tomorrow night.
I can’t remember the last time we had a family dinner like this when it wasn’t a holiday.
Hockey used to keep me so busy, I was lucky if I could come home and see them once a month, but now nothing is keeping me from being here all the time.
My sisters are home too. Not that they live too far from here.
My oldest sister, Jenny, lives farthest away.
She lives with her husband in Indiana. Jasmine has an apartment in the city that she’s lived in for the last eight years, since her sophomore year of college, and Jordan moved in with her seven years ago during her sophomore year of college.
They love living in the city. I don’t think they would ever leave, which is nice knowing they’ll always be close by.
Joey is the sister I’m closest to, but that makes the most sense.
She’s only 15 months older than me, so we were in a constant overlap in school.
She’s also the one sister that the “no dating rule” they guys and I had applied to.
My other sisters weren’t close enough to our age to even be a possibility, but Joey was right there.
Until she met Josh in her junior year of high school, they’ve been together ever since.
“Fine.”
I’ve only been in PT outside the hospital for a little over a week, and Lacey’s been great; she’s done everything she can to maintain optimism and to get me to be optimistic, too.
I think she knows it’s not working. She keeps telling me I’m making progress, progress that she knows is there, but I won’t know until… well, until I have the function of my legs again.
She could be telling the truth. Or she could be talking out of her ass. With Lacey, you never know.
“You’ve got your appointment with Dr. Franklin tomorrow.” She continues.
“Yup.”
“Jeremy.” The tone of my dad’s voice brings me right back to the hospital. He’s not angry; it’s not a warning. He wants me to compose myself, just as my mom wanted me to at the hospital.
“Sorry.” I drop my fork onto the table and run my hands over my face.
“It’s just been a long week, and PT is great, but it’s hard.
Not that I thought it’d be easy, but I’m constantly in pain, and it feels useless, you know?
Like I’m putting all this work in to maybe, just maybe, be able to walk again?
They can’t even promise me that. It’s all a guessing game, and I have to put up with it and hope it’ll all work out. ”
I’ve been holding this in for weeks. Aside from my breakdown in my bedroom, an event that nobody has mentioned since, or brought up to my parents, I’ve been holding it all together. Keeping everything inside because I know this hasn’t been easy for them either.
I can’t imagine how my family felt watching me lie in that hospital bed, wondering if I’d wake up. I can’t imagine how many sleepless nights they both went through, making sure someone was always there with me, so if I woke up, I wasn’t alone.
“Oh, baby.” My mom reaches across the table. “Why didn’t you say anything? You know you can always talk to us.”
“You guys have enough on your plate.”
“Never too much for you, Jeremy.”
I force a smile and then take a sip of my water. I wince as I lean back in the chair.
“You, okay?” My mom’s eyes widen. I can tell from her stance that she’s hovering over her chair, waiting for me to tell her what I need.
“Do you remember when I took my pain pill last? These phantom pains are kicking my ass.”
“Language.” Joey shoots me a wink, and I roll my eyes.
“I’ve heard the mouth on your boyfriend, me saying ass, is nothing compared to that guy.”
“What can I say, he’s got an athlete's potty mouth. You know, like your friends.”
Josh is a professional baseball player. He got drafted by the Chicago White Sox right out of high school, but was traded last season to the Milwaukee Brewers, which led to Joey moving back in with our parents.
“Pretty sure the potty mouth in the major leagues is different than in college,” I argue. “Mom, what about that pain pill?”
“I think you had one at four.” My mom glances at the clock. “So, you have another two hours. But I remember Dr. Franklin said if it’s really bad, you can always—”
“No, no.” I shake my head. “That’s okay. One day I won’t have these pain killers to rely on, so I don’t want to take more than what’s on the label.”
“Okay.” She smiles at me, and I smile back. “If you change your mind, I’ll get you another one.”
“Thanks, mom, um, I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
I wheel myself to the bathroom, shut the door, and let the smile fade. I take a breath.
I don’t even need to go to the bathroom; I just needed to escape. I love my parents, and I love being here with my family, but I know seeing Dr. Franklin tomorrow is going to be even worse than tonight’s been.
I pull my pain meds out of my pocket and dump a couple in my hand.
I run my thumb over the pills sitting in my palm. It’s for the pain… It’s always been for the pain.
“Fuck.” I groan, dropping the pills back into the bottle and putting the cap on.
I turn on the water, wet my hands, and pat my face. I shake out my fingers, take another breath, and put a fake smile back on my face—
Then I return to dinner.