Chapter 35
thirty-five
Jeremy
Ican’t believe how good you’ve gotten at using your crutches.” Lacey stretches my leg out and then tucks it back in.
“They sucked at first, but I’ve been using them a lot more over the last week or so, and now it feels weird using my chair.”
“You’re not overdoing it, though, right?” Lacey freezes.
“Dr. Franklin says my scans look good.” I sit up. “And I make sure to wear my back brace whenever I’m walking with my crutches and not using my wheelchair.”
“Good. The last thing we want is for you to regress.”
“I actually want to talk to you about that.”
“About regressing?”
“No, well, yes, but no.” I run a hand through my hair. “I feel like in a lot of ways you know my body better than I do—”
Lacey lifts her hand and closes her eyes, “Stop right there. I know I’m only a couple years older than you, and we’ve known each other for a long time, and we’re friends to an extent, but I’m not talking about your,” she leans closer to me and whispers, “sex life.”
“Oh, my god!” I chuckle. “No, not that. I can see why, but oh god, not that.”
“Oh.” She lets out a breath. “Okay. I will let you finish and then decide if it’s something I can provide input on.”
“I want to know your thoughts on getting back out on the ice,” I begin. “I just finished teaching some kids at the rec center for the summer, and watching the joy they got from being out there made me miss it even more than I realized.”
“Jeremy.”
“Let me finish, please. I know I can’t play.
And I know I won’t be able to do the things I used to be able to do when I was out there, but I just miss being on skates.
I miss the freedom I felt when I was out there, you know?
I’m going to be twenty-two in less than two weeks, and every birthday since I learned how to skate, I've celebrated it by being on the ice with the most important people in my life. I don’t want to miss that this year. ”
Lacey sits down in her chair, chewing on the tip of her pen.
“Have you tried walking without your crutches?” She raises an eyebrow. “Because that’s going to feel vastly different than walking with them. Then add skates to the mix, I just—”
“So, it’s not possible.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“So, it is.”
“Didn’t say that either.” She grins. “I’m just saying we’ve got a lot of work to do in two weeks.”
“You’d do that?”
Lacey has been telling me not to overdo it for months. I know having her help me get back on the ice probably means restricting what I’m able to do, but the fact that she cares enough to get me back out there means the world.
“Of course. Now that being said, I’m not getting you out there to play hockey again, okay? I know you hate to hear this, but playing hockey again could lead to full paralysis. I’m not putting you at risk like that.”
“I know. This is just to feel that freedom again, I promise.”
“Alright.” She stands up, patting her legs. “We start tomorrow.”
This feels weird.”
“I told you the first time we got on the ice would feel weird.” Lacey holds my hands as she stands on the ice, and I stand right outside the boards. “You may have grown up on skates, but you just started walking a few weeks ago. Now we have you on skates, it’s going to feel weird.”
“No, I mean it feels weird being on skates with a back brace on. I feel stiff.”
“You feel supported.” She skates back just enough to give me room to come out. “Now come on.”
My legs shake as I move forward inch by inch, until both my feet are on the ice. Lacey holds my hands as she continues to skate backward, pulling me with her.
This is liberating. I haven’t been on the ice since the night of my accident, and now here I am.
“Well?”
“I feel free.”
Lacey grins, adjusting her grip on my hands.
“I know you’re probably itching to do this on your own, but we aren’t going to jump into that just yet. Right now, I just want you to skate with me and see how it feels.”
“Got it.”
This was part of our agreement when she told me we could finally move our sessions to the ice. I promised Lacey I would listen to her no matter what and I wouldn’t complain.
I also told her I was not using one of those skating assisters, and if she didn’t want me doing it on my own, she had to be out there with me.
The first two days of walking without my crutches were hard. My legs were wobbly, Lacey had to catch me a handful of times, and I could barely make it three steps without feeling like I needed to sit down.
By day three, most of the shakes were gone. And by the end of our week together, I was walking from one wall to the other without needing to take a break.
It’s crazy to think that not long ago, I thought I’d never regain feeling in my legs, and now I’m skating.
“It’s like you never stopped.” Lacey loosens her grip on my hands, allowing me to move a bit more freely.
“It feels that way.”
“Are you ready for me to let go?”
I nod.
I don’t know if I really am or not, but I won’t know until she does.
I turn twenty-two in three days. If I don’t try now, then when?
Lacey’s hands slowly leave mine.
I don’t fall.
I don’t wobble.
I soar.
It’s as if my legs aren’t mine anymore. It’s as if I’m back on the ice with the guys, skating toward the goal, preparing to shoot the puck and win a game.
I stare down at my legs, watching them glide one by one. Not as fast as they used to, but faster than I could’ve imagined at this stage. I stare at my legs and tear up, remembering all of those nights I would stare at them and feet and just pray for them to move. Even if it was something small.
I exhale. Close my eyes and tilt my head up to the ceiling, and take all of this in.
“Looking good, number twenty!”
I stop and turn toward the entrance.
Tristyn stands there with her arms crossed, leaning up against the glass, the biggest smile on her face.
I skate toward her slowly.
Once I reach her, I don’t hesitate; I kiss her. I kiss her hard and long.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” She brushes her thumb across my bottom lip. “You looked good out there.”
“Want to join me?”
“I think I’d just hold you back.”
“Not possible.” I kiss her forehead. “Let’s get you some skates.”
I turn to see Lacey just staring at the two of us.
“Looks like you found her after all.” Lacey smiles, making me think back to the day I asked her about Tristyn, and she couldn’t tell me anything.
“No thanks to you,” I tease, wrapping an arm around Tristyn. “Hey, Lace, thank you. Seriously.”
“I was just doing my job.”
“You gonna stick around and skate with us?” Tristyn raises an eyebrow, and Lacey shakes her head.
“I’ve never been one for being a third wheel.” She laughs. “But you two have fun.”
“We will.”