Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Avery
Avery walked through Miles’s living room and admired her work.
The new furniture had transformed the Red House from a construction zone into a warm and inviting home.
Miles asked for comfort, and that’s exactly what she’d delivered.
She’d fluffed every cushion, draped a throw blanket neatly across the base of the sectional, and built a ready-to-light fire in the fireplace.
The room beckoned for someone to lie down and take a nap.
Miles should be home any minute and after a couple days on the river, he’d be tired.
Nate returned home mid-afternoon, while Miles dropped off Hayes and Paulson at the Portland Jetport. Part of her worried he’d volunteered to drive so he could put off their inevitable conversation. If he was stalling, she would wait.
She paced to the sliding glass door. The lake’s glassy surface reflected the purply-pink sunset. She needed content for Montressa’s Instagram. Maybe she’d paint it later, now that she had time.
Avery slid open the glass door and walked to the end of the dock, snapping a photo every few feet. Regardless of what happened with Miles, she wouldn’t wait ten years to come back to Linden Lake. She loved it too much, and at the very least, she and Miles could be friends now.
The loon family broke the placid surface as they glided home to their cove, a V-shaped ripple fanning out in their wake.
The babies trailed behind, too big to ride on their mama’s back anymore.
One of the adults let out a long, lonely cry, echoed moments later by another cry far out on the lake.
Avery closed her eyes. Crunching gravel behind her broke the stillness.
As the car turned in the driveway, the headlights behind her lengthened her shadow in front of her.
Miles parked, unloaded his gear, and walked up the path from the garage.
It took everything in her not to run to him, jump into his arms, and wrap her legs around his middle like a love-starved contestant on The Bachelor.
Instead, she stood frozen, the hem of her white sundress tickling her knees.
Avery slid her phone into her pocket and wiped her hands down her hips. Anxiety twirled in her stomach.
As much as she’d tried to shake it off, their breakup ten years ago still left her cautious. She needed him to come to her.
He saw her, threw his gear bag to the ground at the side door, and jogged down the dock, slowing a few steps from her. He stopped and pushed back his hair.
“Pepper.” For a split second, she interpreted the quiver in his voice as the beginning of the end. Until Miles threw open his arms. Bathed in the pink of the setting sun, his smile glowed like the crescent moon.
Miles Magrum wanted a hug.
She leapt into his embrace, steadied by the warmth of his body. She’d missed his back muscles under her palms. His tight hold around her middle felt like proof he wouldn’t run.
“I’m so glad you’re back.” She breathed deeply, inhaling a combination of mud, sweat, and dirty laundry.
Miles smelled like a minivan full of her brother’s lacrosse friends.
Her mother had called it DTS for “damn, that stinks.” Cologne could not save this man right now, but he felt so warm, so full, and so strong, she ignored the odor.
If all went well, she’d wash it off him later and he’d return to smelling like a pine forest after an August rain.
“I missed you.” He let go enough to gaze at her, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “That few days felt like another ten years.”
Miles clearly hadn’t shaved on the trip. Avery grew goosebumps thinking about that thick, bristly stubble brushing her skin. Her eyes stopped on the cut on his cheek, held together with muddy butterfly bandages. She gasped and ran her finger over the sticky canvas.
“What happened? Are you okay?” she asked, not leaving his gaze long enough to give the injury thorough inspection.
“I’m fine. I fell out of the canoe, and Nate went a little overboard with the bandages. Come here,” he said and led her to a lounge chair. “Can we talk before I forget everything I need to say and lose my courage?”
Avery nodded and sat at the end of a chaise lounge. Miles sat opposite her, on the neighboring chaise, their legs tangled together. He picked up both her hands, and her breath hitched.
“Miles,” she said, unable to help herself. “I told you how I felt at the worst possible time, and I’ve been kicking myself ever since. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way.”
“Stop.” He ran his thumb over her knuckles and shook his head. “Please don’t apologize. I spent ten long years yearning to hear you say that again. Yearning should be a circle of Hell, by the way.”
He let out a ragged laugh and shook his head.
“I’m sorry I didn’t handle that night better.
” His gaze lifted to her, his warm eyes reinforcing his sincerity.
“It’s kind of hard to admit, but the deep feelings I have for you frighten me.
After I lost mom, I convinced myself I’m destined to lose the people I love most. It’s irrational, but it feels so real. ”
He broke their stare and glanced at the sunset. His brow furrowed in the golden glow. She rubbed his knuckles and reminded herself vulnerability didn’t come naturally to him. She needed to listen.
“That summer when I broke us apart, that day in the parking lot, I had a panic attack.” He sighed and dropped one of her hands to rub his stubble.
“I’d had a couple before then but back then, I didn’t know what they were.
They went away for a while, then resurfaced when I sold CashCache, and I’m beginning to see a pattern.
I think they happen when my dreams seem possible, or maybe it’s when the future seems uncertain. I had one before the gala.”
“And the day we walked Lennox?”
He nodded and closed his eyes.
Avery gulped back a tear and shook her head, focusing on a knothole on a dock plank. When Anna Catherine and Lily had talked about Miles’s panic attacks, Avery hadn’t considered that her I love you sent him spiraling.
“Miles.” She let out a tiny gasp. “I’m so sorry.”
“Pepper.” He lifted her chin and brushed his thumb across her jaw.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. This isn’t anyone’s fault.
I had them before I left for college too.
I haven’t told you because I thought I’d get a handle on it.
And asking you to put up with all that felt like too big of an ask. ”
“It’s not.” Avery never wanted him to isolate himself, alone with his darkest fears. The best she could do was hold his hand as he walked through it. “Let me be there beside you. We’ll lean on each other.”
She reached up, cupped the back of his neck, and waited for his gorgeous black eyelashes to lift so his eyes could meet hers.
“Miles, your openness makes me love you even more.” Avery dropped her hand to the spot he often rubbed on his chest. His heart beat steadily below her palm.
“Tell me when you have one,” she said. “I’ll help you through it. But you need to communicate. Let me know what helps, okay?”
He nodded.
“You’re so brave.” She squeezed his hand.
“I don’t feel very brave.” Miles winced.
“But you are.” Avery squeezed his shaking hand.
“You’ve carried an enormous burden by yourself for a long time.
But you aren’t alone. Rely on your village.
Me, Nate, Lily, Hayes and Anna Catherine, your dad.
We love you and would do anything for you.
I’ll walk beside you and hold your hand in the darkness.
And if you need someone to protect your need for time and space, I’ll step between you and the world and ask the world to wait, if that helps. ”
“Thank you for all of that. I already told the guys. And I’ve had a couple therapy appointments this week.
That’s why I’m late getting back today. I did a session by Zoom in the parking lot of the Portland Jetport.
My therapist has some ideas she thinks might help,” he said with a tinge of hope.
“I’m going to take a mindfulness class. And maybe adopt a dog. ”
“A dog?” Avery wondered if she’d misheard him. “But you hate Casper.”
Miles rolled his eyes.
“I don’t hate Casper, and my dog will be different,” he said. “Studies show pets ease anxiety. She thinks a dog might teach me about unconditional love. The responsibility of owning a dog means you can’t run away from a problem. I do that, you know?”
“Do I know?” They both laughed.
“I’m glad we can use humor to help us through this,” he said. “Anyway, I put in an application for Tabasco. I might train her to be a therapy dog for the camp.”
“I love that idea.”
Miles kissed her forehead and everything felt lighter. She and Miles were getting somewhere. Facing their difficulties required time, but she didn’t want to miss a second of it.
I love this man, she thought to herself, but didn’t say it aloud. She needed to be honest with him but grant him the time and space to get there.
“Miles, I want a relationship with you. And I’m willing to wade through the muck with you,” she said. “If it means I get to kiss you every morning and every night, it’ll be worth it.”
Their knees knocked together as Miles pulled her toward him. He ran a hand down her back and kissed the spot below her ear. His hair smelled like river dirt, which didn’t smell as sweet as lake dirt.
“I couldn’t bear to lose you forever.” he whispered. “You make me want to learn to love again.”
Avery had never felt so honored. She climbed across the space between them and straddled his lap.
He tugged one of her dress’s shoulder straps down and greeted the top of her shoulder with stubbled kisses.
She cupped the back of his head and pulled his face to hers.
His hands splayed across her back and his lips buzzed over hers, sending a ripple of warmth down her middle.
Miles’s hands slid down her sides, worked under her skirt, and skimmed her thigh.
She wanted his stubble there. If not now, soon.
The rhythm of his kiss broke when his hand drifted higher.
Miles lurched back in surprise, his hand rapidly exploring her goose bumped skin. His eyes grew wide.
“You’re naked under here. A man needs a warning.”
Avery pulled the dress over her head, feeling him grow hard beneath her.
“It’s the middle of summer,” she murmured into his parted lips. “We haven’t been skinny dipping yet.”
She yanked at the hem of his shirt. “And you need to clean off before you sit on your new furniture.”
She stood and pulled the shirt over his head.
In the dim light, she saw his cocked eyebrow too late.
He stood and picked her up and before she knew what was happening, Miles ran off the end of the dock, holding her tight.
Cool water rushed around them as they sank in a whirl of bubbles.
When they surfaced, he pulled off the rest of his clothing and tossed it on the dock.
She wrapped her legs around his middle and shivered at the sensation of her skin gliding over his warm hips.
He rested his arms at her lower back, holding her in place.
She caressed his cheek with her thumb. “I’m not going to business school.”
Miles’s brow furrowed. He pivoted her into the waning light, presumably so he could see her reaction. “Why not?”
“I love designing things.” Avery felt a burst of adrenaline hearing her own confidence.
“This summer I enjoyed decorating, and each day I found myself less excited about studying finance and economics. I’m considering taking my art into the home, maybe with fabric or wallpaper.
I’m a little lost, a bit confused. There’s a lot to figure out. But I’m at peace. This feels right.”
“All that matters is you feel fulfilled.” Miles kissed her nose. “I’m so proud of you. I can’t wait to see what you do. I guess I can stop looking for a house to buy in Hanover.”
“You were going to buy a house there?”
“Paulson said if you couldn’t come to me, I should come to you,” he said. “I scoured Zillow in my tent last night.”
“Wait.” She shook her head. “You took advice from Paulson?”
“I did. He’s going to help with the grief camp. Paulson and I have a lot in common.” Miles winked. “If only someone had pointed that out.”
He playfully splashed water at her. Enough to wash over her shoulders but not hit her face. She splashed him back.
The warm tickle of fireflies lit up her middle. She wasn’t used to this level of support. Miles was willing to pivot so she could shine. Actions that conveyed his love. Avery lifted her hand to the bandages on his cheek, lightly touching them.
“Pull them off,” he said. “And beware of Nate with a first-aid kit.”
The first bandage came right off. The second needed some coaxing from her fingernail.
Miles’s mouth lifted into a bemused, teasing smile.
“That cut,” he said as the second one peeled away, “was your fault.”
“It’s a tiny cut, and I wasn’t there.” She took her wet thumb and rubbed the adhesive off his cheek, examining the small abrasion. He had not needed butterfly bandages. “How is it my fault?”
“I fell out of the boat because I was thinking about how much I love you.”
Avery’s thumb stopped midway across his cheek. For a second she wondered if he’d meant to say it. But his gaze and his gorgeous moonbeam grin signaled his intent. Those three words stopped the sun from setting and lifted it enough to pool a ray of warmth around them.
“You heard that, right?” His whisper roared between them, and he shivered beneath her hands.
She placed a hand on his heart, aware of what it had taken for him to get there.
“I love you, Pepper. I’ve made so many mistakes. Never saying I love you is the biggest one.”
“And I love you too. So very much.” The water droplets on her face might’ve blended with the tear in her eyes. Or maybe not. Avery pulled him into another embrace and rested her head on his shoulder, looking out at the ever-darkening lake.
“I see Venus,” she said. “The sky will fill with stars soon.”
“I’m already holding the only star in my sky, Pepper. You know that.”
They didn’t go to bed until they’d taken a long shower together and made love on the new sectional sofa. Twice.
“I’m so happy we got another summer,” he whispered as they fell asleep. “Now, that summer is part of our story and not all of it.”
“Mm-hmm.” Avery nestled into the nook below his shoulder and smiled herself to sleep.