Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
ZOEY
I pin back the loose strands of hair and grab my jacket and scarf. After a freakishly warm fall, the weather has altered and from here until April, there’s going to be a constant chance of snow. I lock my door, walk down the alley, and resist peeking into the bakery.
After having a month off from the bakery, something inside me shifted.
The urge, the need, the anxiety, to be at the store all of the time lifted.
I gave both Luna and Caleb more hours and put an ad out to hire one more full-time staff.
In the next year, my goal is to decrease to a solid forty hours a week, down from a gazillion.
Life is passing by on a speed train. I don’t want to wake up and blink and see that I have missed out on something amazing.
Like Quinn.
While getting ready to meet Josie tonight, I can’t help thinking about Quinn. Heck, all I do is think about Quinn. I call or text her so much that I’m surprised she hasn’t blocked me by now. But I need to do this dinner tonight. Partly as a test for myself, partly for Josie, and partly for Quinn.
Because I need to be honest with myself, truly honest, and I will only have complete clarity once I meet with Josie.
Orchard’s is within walking distance from my place, so I tug on my jacket and stroll.
It’s still early, only 5:00 p.m., but the orange of the horizon is barely a whisper.
And still, all I can think about is Quinn.
Maybe I’ll call Josie, tell her that I can’t make it, and go over to Quinn’s place.
But Josie’s only in town for a short while, she really wants to meet, and I won’t ditch out on her, even if she is my ex.
I’m so distracted I don’t realize the woman walking towards me on the sidewalk is Josie. Her formerly dark shoulder-length hair is now a fresh, blonde shaggy pixie cut. She’s wrapped up in a jacket, ripped skinny jeans, high boots. She looks good. Great, even. Beautiful.
And I feel absolutely nothing.
“Hey… you…” Josie reaches her arms out as she approaches, with a soft, almost sheepish smile.
“Hey, Josie. Sorry, whoa, I didn’t see you there.
” I lean into her hug. It’s familiar, yet not at the same time, and again, I feel nothing.
Stepping back, I try to gauge what is happening.
Maybe a little nostalgia, or a “hope she’s okay,” and a little curiosity.
Other than that, my cells, my heart, my gut are all at a standstill.
“You look great,” Josie says as she stuffs her hands in her jacket pockets. “You look, I don’t know. Well rested or something.”
“Thank you. I cut back on hours at the shop and am taking some time for myself.” I turn toward the restaurant, and we stroll in silence for a few moments.
Josie grips the edges of her scarf in her palm and keeps her gaze on the sidewalk. “Thanks for meeting with me tonight.”
“Yeah, of course. It’ll be good to catch up.
” This is all so awkward. I don’t know what to say.
I’ve never been good at small talk unless it’s a customer interaction.
But this isn’t that. This is walking down the sidewalk on a beautiful late fall night with the one that I once knew the best, but I no longer know.
The jangle of a dog collar coming towards us has me lifting my head. Huh. Colby and Kona are walking toward us on the sidewalk. I wasn’t sure if Colby even lived in this town, but if she’s taking a random stroll at night it makes me think she might live near the shop.
Josie’s eyes snap up. “Ah, sweet golden retriever.”
“Hey, Colby.” I wave and smile. At this moment, I feel like I know my reclusive customer Colby better than Josie, and I’m thankful for the break in the silence. “Hi, Kona. Are you being a good girl?”
“Hey, Zoey.” Colby glances at Josie, and back to me.
Am I supposed to introduce them? Say nothing? How would I even label Josie? My ex seems crass. Friend seems untruthful. Someone I used to know seems like I’m giving away way too much information for a casual introduction.
“Oh my gosh, your pup.” Josie’s voice rises and she squats near Kona. “Can I pet her?”
Colby grins and rubs the edge of Kona’s ears. “Yes, of course. Fair warning, she’s a glutton for love. Once you start petting her, she’ll beg for more.”
“How old is she?” Josie holds out the top of her hand for Kona to sniff.
“Six,” Colby says.
“Ah, such a good age. Finally calming down.” Josie pets Kona behind the ears, then moves to scratch her under the chin. “Any hip issues yet?”
“No, knock on wood.” Colby switches the leash to her other hand. “You have a golden?”
Josie shakes her head. “No, but I’m a vet tech, so I see lots of animals. But in my heart, I’ve always had a soft spot for golden retrievers.”
Colby nods with a soft grin. “They’re the most loyal, right?”
Josie laughs and lifts herself back from squatting. “That’s the rumor on the street.”
My head is swirling at this interaction.
This is the most I’ve seen Colby smile in all the years she’s been coming into my shop.
I always say hi to Kona and give her a dog treat, of course, but I make a quick mental note to chat with Colby more about dogs when she visits. It’s clearly her comfort zone.
Colby steps back, her gaze casting one more time at Josie, before she nods at me. “Didn’t mean to interrupt. Have a good night.”
When Colby walks past us, Josie and I continue toward the restaurant. “A friend of yours?” Josie asks.
I shake my head. “No, just a good customer. She’s really nice, from the little I know.”
“Well, she loves dogs, so she’s obviously a saint,” Josie says with a smile.
The breeze picks up the tiniest bit and I snug my scarf a little tighter around my neck.
We make the most plain, non-intimate small talk during the walk.
We talked about Minnesotans’ favorite subject—the weather—how the traffic differs from where Josie lives in Minneapolis, and how she discovered an uptown sushi restaurant featured on a Food TV show.
I could probably engage more, but my mind is elsewhere. Quinn.
In what feels like an hour, but is really less than five minutes, we are finally at the table.
After ordering, I squeeze a mist of lemon into an ice water and take a sip.
Josie is telling me about the vet hospital she works at, and the surprising amount of snakes that are brought in to be seen, and I promise I’m trying to listen to her, be as polite as I can, and pepper in random questions. But I can hardly focus.
None of this feels right. Being here with Josie is like expecting a certain taste but getting something completely different, something expired and ruined, and then waiting for the inevitable sickness to set in.
Josie the person is not the sickness. Josie the relationship is the expired food.
I don’t want to be with Josie right now.
I don’t want to be with Josie, ever. It was clear to me the moment I saw her, and every second sitting here is taking away time from the one I really want to be with.
My knee bounces under the table. Can Josie please say what she needs to say, so I can call Quinn to see if she wants to come over for a movie.
Or for a talk. Dammit. I need to tell her how I feel.
No more holding back. Time for me to jump onto the frozen lake and see if it can withstand everything before it breaks. I can do this.
“Thank you for meeting with me. I know… it’s been a while,” Josie says, running her fingers through her shagged hair. “I wanted to let you know I’m moving back to town.”
My mouth drops. “Um, why?” Please don’t say it’s to get back together.
It doesn’t feel good to turn someone down.
For the first time since Josie didn’t accept my marriage proposal, I finally feel what it was like to be in her shoes all those years ago.
The one that has to tell the person, someone you care about, that you don’t want to be with them. It feels miserable. But also, needed.
She lifts a brow at my question.
“I mean, I know your family is here, but you were so desperate to move to Minneapolis,” I quickly add.
Josie pulls the straw to her mouth. “I wasn’t desperate to move to Minneapolis. I was desperate for change.”
Well, that stings a little.
“I know that sounds harsh, but I really need to hash out everything, and just… You know what, I’m just going to dive into this.
” Josie gulps down several long pulls of water.
“Zoey, I am so, so sorry about how things ended with us. I was stuck, you know? I’d been in Spring Harbors my whole life, been with you for so long, at my job since I was a teenager, and everything just felt stale. ”
I can’t help a little heat from springing to my chest. “Stale. Not stable.”
Josie tugs on her fingers as she shifts on the chair, her eyes focused on the table. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I think I just needed some solitude and self-discovery and to find out who I was without you.”
The server comes in at either the best or worst time and sets our salads in front of us. Inside I chuckle—I ordered a Caesar salad. Caesar. Made with anchovies. Somehow, when it’s blended with cream and lemon, it’s delicious, but on pizza it’s not. I have to remember to tell Quinn this later.
“I’m glad that you took time to learn about yourself.” I stab my fork into the salad. “I’m sure that was… therapeutic.” Gosh, this conversation is plain painful. I want to scarf down the salad, throw some cash on the table, and leave.
Josie dashes pepper on the salad, then stirs. “It really was. But, by leaving and staying in Minneapolis, I learned everything I need to know. I found myself, what I needed, what I didn’t need, and I came to a conclusion.”
I take another bite of the dressing-laden crunchy salad.
“I want to give our relationship another try.”