Chapter 17 #5
“Betraying is a strong sentiment, Lo,” Nyair said.
“I’m doing something, though. The whole pre-marital sex thing is conformity that I struggle with.
Women don’t understand that part. It’s why I’m either abstaining or completely addicted to a woman.
The way that thing hitting, Lo, I’ma find myself in some trouble with you.
I’m a man, though, Lo. Like, a real man and I have needs.
I thought I had it under control until tonight.
The need you make a nigga feel is ridiculous,” he said, gripping her ass and pulling her into his body.
He was hard for her again, and Lauren’s eyes fluttered as her mouth fell agape.
“Look at you. The way you call to a nigga without saying one word. Mouth open like you want my tongue there. Pussy wet…” He reached between her legs. She was soaked. “…like you want my dick there.”
“I do,” she whispered.
“This shit is gonna be a problem for me,” he admitted, but he was already pulling out again and slipping inside of her. He fit so well. He leaned her onto the bed, and they fell into a rhythm.
“Nyair,” she moaned. “I can’t stop cumming with you.”
“Mom?” The knock that came with the interruption sucked all the passion from the room. They were like two busted teenagers, scrambling to appear decent.
“One second, baby!” Lauren shouted, voice shaking. “Get your clothes on!” She hissed at Nyair.
“Is Coach Ny in there with you? I see his car outside,” DJ said.
“Oh my god, oh my god, this is not okay,” Lauren whispered, panicking. DJ had never seen her with any man except his father. This felt like she had misstepped in her motherhood.
“Take a breath,” Nyair whispered, grabbing her by the shoulders. “I can handle your son.”
“It’s not your place to handle him, Ny.” Lauren scrambled to get decent, and she fingered her hair, trying to make herself presentable before cracking the door and simultaneously pondering how she would explain this mishap to Demi because surely DJ was going to tell him.
“What are you doing up?” She asked.
“I just couldn’t sleep,” DJ stated. He peeked around Lauren. “Is Coach Ny in there?”
Ny pulled the door open.
“Yeah, man, I was just spending some time with your mom. I’m sorry if I took you off guard, man. I should have run that by you first; make sure you were comfortable with me getting to know your mom better.”
Lauren steered him down the hall.
“You want to get to know her?” DJ asked. “You like my mama?”
“I do. She’s a pretty special woman,” Nyair answered.
“You know my dad, though, right?” DJ asked.
Nyair glanced at Lauren and then down at DJ.
“I know him. I respect your old man.”
Lauren felt like she was holding her breath. She could see the confusion and judgment in DJ’s eyes.
“If you were his friend, you wouldn’t be messing around with my mom behind his back,” DJ stated.
“Hey!” Lauren intervened. “You don’t speak to any adult like that. You can ask questions, but what you can’t do is disrespect your elders.”
DJ sucked his teeth and sat back in his chair, full of attitude, arms folded across his bird chest.
“He’s never gonna come back if Coach is here! You’re just going to give him a reason to stay there with Charlie! We can’t replace him like he replaced us! We got to wait for him to come back!”
Lauren was so taken aback that she didn’t know how to respond immediately.
Her son liked Nyair well enough, this shouldn’t be a revelation that traumatized him, but this wasn’t about Ny; it was about Demi.
Her anger for her ex-husband was re-ignited instantly.
She would deal with DJ’s broken heart behind their divorce every moment of his young life, while Demi had the luxury to pick and choose when it interrupted his routine.
It pissed her off so much that it felt like her blood was boiling.
Half-time-ass daddy. Sometimes-ass parent.
Pull up for praise, be-gone-before-conflict-ass guardian.
Why was this all on her? Why was it her job alone to heal DJ and mitigate his expectation of a traditional family?
“Your daddy isn’t coming back, DJ,” Lauren said sadly.
“I hate it here, and I hate you for making him leave.” DJ didn’t even yell. He looked at her with such contempt that Lauren’s eyes went wet.
He pushed out of the chair and rushed out of the room.
Shaky legs forced her to the chair he had just occupied.
“You can leave,” she whispered.
Nyair didn’t know what to say. There was nothing he could do to take away the sting of her son’s words.
“Lo, I’m sorry he found out like this. He’s a kid, his world is changing, and he can’t control…”
“Nyair, leave! I’m about to lose my shit. I can’t hold these tears in much longer, so just go, so I don’t make a fool of myself,” she yelled.
“I don’t make messes and leave other people to clean them up,” Nyair answered. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the safest embrace she had ever felt. Lauren lost it. She cried so hard on his shoulder that his shirt was soaked in salty tears.
This was about more than DJ’s words. It was about the abandonment Demi had left behind. Being strong had made her pretend to be okay, and she wasn’t. Nyair’s chin resting atop of her head told her that one day, maybe she would be.
“The boy and the mother will be healed, Lo,” Nyair whispered. “You hear me?” He asked as his hand rubbed her back to a rhythm that slowed her heart.
“When, Ny?” She asked, lifting a pathetic gaze at him.
“Now,” Nyair replied. He pulled her close again, massaging the nape of her neck and allowing her the one thing that a Black woman desired but rarely received. A safe place to unveil her weaknesses.
Nyair held her patiently and caressed her with a masculine tenderness that calmed her distressed soul until the tears dried themselves. When she pulled away, she didn’t even know what to say.
“I’m exhausted and embarrassed.”
“And exquisite and endearing and elegant in a way I haven’t seen a woman be in a long time, Lo. And can’t forget fucking edible.”
Lauren smiled, concealing laughter behind the four fingers she placed to her lips.
“I should check on him, and you should go.”
Nyair nodded. “I should. I got some soul searching to do for the indulging I just participated in. Got to go have some talks with Big Homie, clear my mind, get on my knees and find some answers, but when I get them, I’ma be back for you, Lauren.”
Lauren’s shaky breaths revealed her emotions. She was overwhelmed but so sure of what she felt.
“When you spin the block, I’ma be ready next time.”
He kissed her lips again then turned to leave. He was halfway across the room before he doubled back. This time he kissed her deeper. “In case that talk I gotta have end in a way that don’t allow me to come back here.”
“Bye, Ny,” Lauren whispered.
He nodded, and Lauren pushed out a sharp breath of angst before walking him to the door.
“Lock up,” he said before departing.
Lauren shook her head and turned toward the staircase. She would need to address this tonight. It couldn’t wait until morning, and it couldn’t wait for Demi. She walked upstairs and opened DJ’s door to find his bed empty.
“DJ?” She called, going to the attached bathroom, where the light shined underneath the door.
She knocked softly. “Hey, bud, can we talk?”
When she pushed open the door and found her son sitting in a pool of his blood, she panicked.
“I’m sorry, Ma, I think I cut it too deep this time.
” The words, this time, cut through her psyche like a machete clearing trees in a dense brush.
The crowded jungle her mind had become was leveled instantly by this scene.
He had done this before. This was not the first time.
Oh, the pain her child must be in to self-mutilate in this way.
“Oh my god!” She shouted. “Why would you do this to yourself, DJ? What did you do?” His arm was leaking blood, and she rushed to the linen closet, pulling out a towel and wrapping it tightly around his forearm.
For the first time, she noticed scabs from previous cuts, recent injuries that weren’t completely healed.
“I’m sorry, Ma,” DJ cried.
“Oh my baby, it’s okay,” she said, trying not to reveal her panic. “It’s okay. I need you to hold this tight, okay? This is deep; I need to get you to the hospital.”
The towel soaked through in under a minute, and Lauren grabbed two more as she guided her son through the house and to her car. A trail of blood followed them, staining the snow and destroying the interior of her car. She wrapped another towel around his arm. “Tighter, baby. Hold it tighter.”
She rushed around to the driver’s side and pulled out of the driveway like a madwoman.
“This is all my fault,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry, DJ.
Just keep holding it tight.” Lauren had one had on the steering wheel and the other she used to squeeze the bloody towel.
“Tighter baby. As tight as you can.” There was so much blood.
She was terrified at the thought of him self-inflicting this kind of pain.
Lauren didn’t even know how they had gotten to this point.
Her son had been cutting himself, and she hadn’t known.
Demi hadn’t known. Their hurt had infected their child and she felt like a shitty mother for not recognizing the signs.
She had hit a new low and felt the descent in a bruising way.
She could handle her own depression. She could manage that, hide it even, but to be the cause of her son’s turmoil was a different burden to bear.
She just prayed that she got the chance to make it right.