Chapter 7
Tea with Skeletons
Mal awoke to a scream. A visceral, terrified scream.
Immediately, Mal knew what had happened, and he knew this because he’d done his best to make sure it wouldn’t happen.
You must understand, even in the magical world where you see a great many strange and wondrous things, a simple fact still holds: Nothing can prepare you for what you do not expect.
For example, waking up from a near-death experience to see a walking, talking skeleton offering you a cup of tea.
Even a magical police officer, who has seen her fair share of weird, is still going to lose her fucking marbles.
Mal had anticipated this adverse reaction and had emphatically told his mum (the walking, talking skeleton) not to disturb the recovering woman in his room. She, of course, didn’t listen.
Mal jumped from his couched slumber and ran for his room. He pushed open the door to find Des half under the covers, screaming at the skeleton at the end of her bed.
“GET OUT, MUM!” Mal said, to a chorus of “I was only being nice” and “I don’t see what all the fuss is about” and, of course, screams. Mal pushed the bones out of the room and leaned his back against the door, holding it firm as if to keep out hordes of the dead.
Des, for her part, stopped screaming pretty quickly and sat staring at Mal in disbelief.
It was at this point Mal realized he was only in his underpants.
He reached for the closest item of clothing—an ill-fitting, ugly-colored dressing gown—and threw it on himself.
After a good chunk of awkward silence, Des spoke.
“Mum?”
“Yeah, I wanted to tell you when you woke up, ease you into it. I guess that’s not happening now …”
“How did I get here?” Des said, holding her head. She moved as if to stand and pushed down on the bedside table for support. It broke under the strength of her hand. She looked at Mal with a face that said, What is happening?
“How much do you remember from last night?” Mal said, ushering her back into bed from a safe distance.
“Bits and pieces.” Des looked to her right and saw skin poking out of a seared and burned hole in her top.
She winced in pain as she moved her right arm and inspected the strange fractal scar that swirled down it.
Mal tried his best to explain everything, filling in the parts she either couldn’t remember or didn’t know about to begin with.
He explained his necromancy, the Order, his assignment, and how the attack nearly killed her.
He was struck with guilt and panic when she asked:
“How did you save me?”
“I didn’t save you, the vampires did.” Mal winced, hoping the implication wouldn’t be missed.
“They had a healer?” Des said.
Mal shook his head. “You were nearly dead. They said it was the only way.”
Now it sunk in.
“I’m a …” Des’s eyes grew wide with panic. “You turned me into a vampire!”
“I was trying to save your life. And technically Vlad turned you into a vampire.”
“VLAD? His name was Vlad? You let a ‘Vlad’ bite my neck?”
“No one bit your neck, as far as I know, and it was actually his underlings that turned you, he was just in charge.”
“So Vlad’s underlings turned me?”
“Yes?”
“But you told them to?”
“To save your life.”
“His name was Vlad? Really?”
“Yeah I think so, watch …” Mal touched a TV in the corner of the room and instantly it came to life. The screen flickered and a video started, detailing exactly what had happened through Mal’s eyes.
“Here’s me waiting in the bush. I’ll fast forward it …
Then you come and scare the absolute shit out of me.
Then you march up to the door, we argue for a bit.
Then it happens. I lost this bit because you, y’know, saved my life.
” There was a pause as blue light flashed across the screen, and Mal’s vision came to rest on Des just after the attack.
Mal sped this section up, thinking it better not to force Des to relive the events from a different angle.
“This bit’s all blurry, it’s roughly what I remember.
Here’s you being carried away. This guy, he’s Vlad.
And here is everyone after I calmed down.
It’s some kind of commune. He gave me this to give to you.
” Mal produced the USB. “It’s everything you need to know about being a vampire.
Strange they had it on hand, really. I’ve been studying it.
I figured you might not be up for reading it all right now.
Least I can do is help you get back on your feet.
I’ll skip me moving furniture for five hours.
Oh, here’s you after. They teleported us here.
See, this is where we are now, my parents’ house. ”
Des watched it all in shock and horror. Tears welled in her eyes as she watched Mal plead for her life, and laughter filled her smile as she watched Mal fail to move a sofa, only for a little vampire girl to come along and carry it away for him.
When the scary home movie from Mal’s mind was finished, he sat down next to her on the bed and she looked at him with an expression he couldn’t quite place.
“You saved my life,” she said.
“You saved mine first,” Mal replied. “I’ve got the head bump to prove it.” He rubbed the side of his head that had slammed into the dirt. Des slowly raised her right arm and felt it too.
“I bet that hurts,” Des said, tenderly moving her scarred arm back to her side.
“You have no idea …” Mal smiled and sighed, shaking his head, as if disapproving of his own facetiousness. “How’s the pain?”
“Getting worse …”
“Ah, I have something that might help, but I’m not sure if you’ll want it. One sec.” Mal disappeared, and returned a few moments later with a small cold bag filled with red liquid. “According to the USB, this should help with that.”
“You’re kidding,” Des said, grimacing at the sight of the blood bag. “I don’t want to drink some strange blood.”
“Hey, that’s my blood. I almost passed out donating that.” Mal passed her the bag. “Seriously though, this will help you get better. It’s how you grew your shoulder back.”
Des grimaced harder at the thought, but clearly the pain was getting worse, as the next thing Mal knew Des was slurping on the bag’s tube like a straw. He winced as she started drinking, expecting, well, expecting it to be a horrible experience that Des would hate.
“Mmm, this is good. You want some?” Des said, trying to pass the tube straw to Mal, who cringed backward. Mal watched as slowly her eyes changed from a piercing green to a piercing red.
“What does it taste like?” Mal said, trying and failing to hide his disgust.
“It’s sweet, like a syrupy orange juice.” Des smiled a bloody smile and went back to the bag.
“Are you feeling any better?” Mal said, concerned with how much she seemed to be enjoying it.
“I’m in less pain, but yeah, not so much. I have to get out of here.”
“About that. You have to stay away from direct sunlight for the next day, but after that I think you’re okay to move around outside again.
” Mal gestured to the window; he’d piled several blankets over the curtains to try to block out the sun.
“If you want a shower I can go get you some towels, then maybe you can try meeting my parents again?”
Des looked concerned and overwhelmed, remembering now what had woken her up.
“They’re skeletons?”
“Yeah, it’s a long story. I can tell you later, when you’re feeling better. But yes, they’re both skeletons.”
“They’re not going to try and steal my flesh?” Des said.
“No, they’re mostly harmless. Just takes some getting used to.” Mal remembered a period of his life from just after he’d brought them back that he’d labeled “The Sloughing.” Then promptly shoved those memories deep back inside himself.
“A shower sounds good. Maybe some food? Can I eat normal food?”
“Yes, yes you can. I’ll make some pancakes.
Pancakes make everything better. I’ll put this back in the fridge if you’re done with it?
” Mal retrieved the blood bag, noting that it was now half empty.
He wondered how much more he’d be donating before this was all over.
Des went for a shower, and Mal went to the kitchen to start on some food.
He hadn’t realized yet, but he was absolutely famished.
While Des showered. Mal got to work in the kitchen. He was happy to see his father was now awake and his parents were using his father’s illusions to appear like they had flesh and skin. It was much nicer than looking at the raw bones underneath.
“I told you not to disturb her,” Mal said, getting ready to flip a pancake.
“Well I didn’t know that, did I? I just thought she might like a cup of tea.”
“You did know that, Mum, I spent twenty minutes last night explaining it to you before I went to bed. Boundaries, please, for the love of god.”
“We don’t have boundaries in this house, dear, you know that.
” Mal did, unfortunately, know that, which is why he tried his hardest not to be in this house.
It was a complicated relationship with a simple problem: He wanted boundaries, they did not.
And as such, when he tried to present them with a reasonable, but new, wall, they would bulldoze right though it and pretend it wasn’t there.
It wasn’t long before Des returned. Mal had pointed her to one of the cupboards in his room that was filled with several sisters’ worth of clothes.
Des found a T-shirt and jeans which made her look strangely normal to Mal, like seeing a battle-hardened warrior in a dressing gown.
Not cop Des, or stalking you through the woods Des, but regular Des.
Her eyes widened seeing his mum in the flesh.
Mal whispered the word “illusion” as she sat down at the dining table.