Chapter 19 #2
“There is no point,” Mal found himself saying, as if giving in to the universe. “We all just muddle through.”
“Then why keep going?” Hala said, tears now starting to well up at the edges of her eyes.
“I guess because giving up would feel worse.” Mal searched his feelings.
He wasn’t looking for his powers; he just wanted to know why he felt so horrible.
Why he couldn’t let this go. Why the pit in his stomach felt so betrayed.
“Walking away now, letting him get away with this. I’d rather try and fail over and over than do nothing and know this was all for naught. ”
“But that sounds awful,” Hala said, laughing with the words.
“Yeah, it does,” Mal said, laughing too so as not to start crying. “But what else is there? If you give up, nothing will change. Everything would still have happened, there just wouldn’t be anyone trying to fix it.”
“I guess …” Hala paused; she seemed to contemplate something for a moment, then she started to speak.
“I, uh, I lost my friend last year. I should have seen it coming, I should have been able to stop her; but instead I was focusing on stupid uni shit, boys and drama and then, like that … she was gone.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I just thought that this would be different. That if I did the right thing, everything would turn out alright …”
“I wish that was how it worked.” Mal forced out a half smile. “Life is never that simple, but you can’t blame yourself …”
“Can’t I? I should have seen what was going on inside her. If anyone could, I could. She needed my help. If I’m not to blame, who is?”
“Sometimes no one is. You can’t control what people do. Your friend was in a bad place, and you’re right, she did need help. But if you’d known, you would have helped, right?”
“Of course.”
“In the same way, had we known what Kosh was up to, we would have tried to stop him.”
“Yeah but this is different, I should have known.”
“No, you could have known. You didn’t force her hand, you didn’t put her in that dark place. You have to forgive yourself.”
“How?” Hala said. “I don’t just get a pass. When you have the power to help people and you don’t use it, you’re evil. It’s simple.”
Was it that simple? Mal had tried to ignore his powers for ages, worried about all the evil they could do. Was he actually more evil for doing nothing with them? Maybe Des was right …
“You have to hunt the lions …”
“What?”
“It’s just something Des said …” Mal blushed awkwardly. “You didn’t know the extent of your power. You’re not some killer or a politician letting people starve or freeze to save their career. I bet you check people now, though?”
“Everyone. Everyone I meet, everyone I walk past, all the time.”
“Then you’re trying. You’re holding yourself to account. Maybe a little too much. You can’t help everyone.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know, it’s just something people say.”
“Would it hurt to try helping everyone?”
“No, it wouldn’t. I’m sorry about your friend.”
“Me too.”
Silence filled the air and Mal thought back to his conversation with Kosh.
Them talking about all the good that Mal could do with his powers.
The pit in Mal’s stomach twisted. Kosh had made Mal believe, if only a little, that his powers might not be completely evil.
But look what they’d turned Kosh into. What hope did that leave for Mal?
Even if he held himself to account, would this happen eventually?
Was Kosh always a murderous asshole, or had his powers corrupted him as he neared the end?
Was Mal destined to become some vile murderer like Kosh?
Were his parents right? The truth was Mal had no idea.
He hadn’t realized quite how much this was all affecting him until this very moment.
The only thing he did know was that Kosh needed to be stopped.
Something needed to be done. An anger within him demanded it.
The thought of confronting Kosh was the only thing that made the pit in his stomach ease up. He had to be stopped.
“I’m just tired of tragedy,” Hala said.
“Me too,” said Mal. “But what are we gonna do, give up? We’ve just got to try again. That’s all there is. We choose our actions, then hope that the consequences don’t go completely to shit.”
“That almost sounded wise. When did you become wise?” Hala said, looking at Mal curiously.
“Somewhere between the first and second round of zombies, I think.” Mal let out an exhausted breath.
“Shall we go catch this guy then?” Mal got to his feet and extended a hand.
Hala wiped a few tears from her face and grabbed it, getting up off the couch as she did.
They made their way out of the flat and down the stairs to the road, where Des and Walters were waiting for them.
“Hey, where’s Yu?” Des said.
“We thought they were with you?” Mal said.
“We didn’t see them,” Hala said.
Mal didn’t remember seeing Yu leave, but they had been threatening to run off since the start. Mal imagined Yu in some library, nose tucked into a book, sitting peacefully away from any zombies. Clearly everyone else was thinking the same thing as the mood dipped even lower.
“What are you weirdos doing?” Yu said, coming down the stairs from the flat.
“We’d thought you left,” Des said.
“I just went to the loo while you guys finished up. I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation, it sounded serious.”
“So you’re coming?” Mal said.
“Of course,” Yu said. “Where else would I be?”