Chapter 45
HALLE
As I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, I wondered whether I should plaster on another layer of concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes.
I’d already put on two layers and although it was marginally better, I still looked like shit.
The past six days had been tough.
My last long-term relationship lasted for four years and the break-up was brutal. But although I’d only known Jake for two weeks and we were never officially dating, this felt harder.
When he’d left last Saturday, I’d stumbled out of the villa in a daze. Somehow I’d managed to muster up a half smile and mutter my thanks to Sammie when she came to say goodbye. But that was all. She’d asked how it went with Jake and all I could do was shake my head before I got into the car.
I was in shock.
I really thought I’d found the perfect solution. We’d stay together and he’d have a roof over his head to help him get back on his feet. Clearly I was wrong.
I’d fought back my tears during the flight, but once I was in the safety of my apartment, they came and didn’t stop. I cried so much I was surprised I didn’t flood my whole building.
Vanessa had called on the Sunday to suggest that she came round for a catch-up, but I couldn’t. I just needed to mope and feel sorry for myself without judgement.
I knew it was stupid to be upset, given I’d agreed to a fling and nothing more from the outset, but what could I say? The heart wants what the heart wants. And sometimes it’s completely illogical.
So I gave myself the rest of the weekend to get all of my tears out of my system. Then promised that come Monday morning, I’d throw myself into work.
It helped a little. When we were busy, there was no time to think about crying. But as soon as I had even a pocket of stillness, my thoughts turned to Jake. I’d wonder what he was doing. If he was okay. Whether he’d found a way to record his songs.
And of course I wondered if he’d thought about me.
Probably not.
He’d had much more experience with flings than I had, so although I believed that he was sad for it to end, the bottom line was he didn’t want it to work as much as I did, so I just had to accept that and move on. Just like he had.
Which was why I’d pushed myself to keep as busy as possible. During the day I’d worked at the juice bar and at night, I’d been working on a plan to try and pursue my dream of becoming a full-time nail technician.
I’d popped into a few nail bars to ask if they had any vacancies, but so far I’d had no luck, which was why I was going to give the whole freelance route a go.
I had the photos of Sammie, Jasmine and the other guests’ nails, so I was building a nice little portfolio.
Now I was waiting for Vanessa to come round so that I could do her nails and take more pics.
Although we’d messaged almost every day, this would be the first time I’d seen her since I got back.
Right on cue, the bell rang. I shoved my concealer back in my make-up bag, before going to open the door. Vanessa wouldn’t care how I looked. She’d seen me at my lowest and loved me just the same.
‘Hey,’ I said as Vanessa stepped inside, holding a large bag.
‘You been crying?’ Her eyes narrowed.
‘No!’ I protested a little too much. It was sort of true. It’d been a whole half an hour since my last tears which was a lifetime compared to this week’s sob-fest.
‘Oh, hon.’ She wrapped her arms around me. ‘It’ll get easier. And in the meantime, I’ve brought your prescription.’
‘Prescription?’
‘Yep.’ She loosened her arms from around my waist, then walked over to the kitchen area of my studio apartment.
Everything was open plan with wooden floors and a high ceiling.
The kitchen area was to the left of the door, then there was a two-seater burgundy sofa, with a small TV opposite.
There was a tiny bathroom with a shower, then my small double bed was by the window.
Like I’d said to Jake, it wasn’t much. It definitely wouldn’t compare to the luxury mansion he was staying in right now.
Jake.
I wondered if I’d ever be able to go more than two minutes without thinking about him.
‘I don’t follow. I don’t have any prescriptions.’
‘Oh, yes, you do. Dr Vanessa is prescribing you wine, chocolate, doughnuts and ice cream to get you out of this funk,’ she said, unpacking the contents of the bag. ‘By the time we’ve devoured this, you’ll feel much better.’
I’d already eaten enough chocolate and ice cream to sink the Titanic this week, but what the hell. It was the weekend and calories didn’t count.
‘Thank you. Maybe I should do your nails first though. Not sure how steady my hands will be after I’ve had wine.’
‘Okay, sweetie,’ she said, following me to the two-seater kitchen table. ‘So. How are you doing?’
‘Better. I miss him like crazy, but that will stop soon, right?’
‘Hopefully,’ she said. ‘Normally, instead of chocolate, I’d suggest you go and find a guy to take your mind off Jake. But (a) I know that’s not you, and (b) I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t seen you fall this hard for someone before, so I have to keep it real and tell you, it’s not gonna be easy.’
Great.
I was hoping that Vanessa of all people would reassure me that I’d forget about Jake soon.
‘I’ve got a feeling that you’re right.’
‘But better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right?’
‘Look at you getting all philosophical and talking about love!’ I laughed. ‘You sure you’re feeling okay?’
‘Very funny!’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Just because love isn’t my cup of tea, doesn’t mean I can’t understand when other people are head over heels. You don’t regret it though, right?’
‘God, no,’ I said without hesitation. ‘I mean, yeah, when Jake left, I was kicking myself, thinking I’d pushed too much too quickly.
And maybe asking someone to move in with you after knowing them for a fortnight was moving too fast. But I’ve never felt like that before.
It all just seemed so right. My gut told me to try, so I’m glad I did.
If I didn’t ask, I would’ve always wondered, what if? ’
‘Babe, I’m not sure if you realise it, but you’ve grown so much.
Pre-California Halle would’ve been beating herself up about asking him to come here.
Actually, what am I saying? Pre-California Halle never would’ve had the courage to sleep with him, never mind ask such a big question.
But you did. When life gave you lemons, you didn’t just make lemonade.
You made limoncello, lemon drizzle cake and lemon sorbet!
You pushed yourself out of your comfort zone and although it didn’t work out how you wanted, you made the most of your time there. I’m so fucking proud of you!’
‘Thanks,’ I said, pride filling my chest.
She was right. I had come a long way in the last three weeks. I felt stronger.
Things hadn’t lasted with Jake, but if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t believe in myself as much as I did right now. I wouldn’t even be considering trying to pursue my dream career.
I was more determined than ever and I wasn’t going to let that newfound ambition go to waste.
I would’ve preferred to have done that with Jake by my side, but it wasn’t to be.
Although I knew I shouldn’t, there was still a tiny part of me that hoped that in a year or two, once Jake was back on his feet properly, we could try again.
I’d had visions of me going to one of his concerts, him seeing me in the crowd and telling me that he’d never stopped loving me.
Was I crazy? Probably.
But as deluded as I sounded, I believed that Jake and I were meant to be together.
I’d laid my heart on the line. I’d done all that I could. And although I couldn’t put my life on hold, there would always be a place in my heart for him.