Chapter 18 #2
Sorry for denying your feelings and interfering in your relationship with him.
Sorry for being a coward.
Sorry for being an angry coward.
Sorry for taking everything out on you.
Sorry for kissing you.
OK, no, not sorry, because I wanted it so much.
But sorry for kissing you without asking permission first.
Sorry for acting like it never happened, ever since.
Sorry for the first time turning out like that.
Sorry for being unable to talk about my feelings.
Sorry for pretending to like Eleanor.
Sorry for being so scared.
It’s a list I could continue for ever. I’m genuinely praying I’ll be able to remember all those things tomorrow, but knowing my luck, I’ll end up standing face to face with Tori, still not knowing what to say.
No. That’s not going to happen. If necessary, I’ll have to pull out my phone like a loser and read out all the words I’ll never otherwise get over my lips. Even though she deserves better. I bet Valentine Ward could manage it. Stand there and tell her what’s what. God, I can’t bear it.
In the morning, by the time I go down to assembly, I’m more nervous than I was before my audition.
I barely slept but the adrenaline is keeping me wide awake.
I got here extra early this morning, but even after ten minutes’ hanging around by the doors, Tori hasn’t turned up.
I’m just about to check whether I’ve missed her and she’s actually in the hall with the others when Mum arrives.
I don’t know how she does it, but I always get the feeling she can see right through me with a single glance.
The day after the fight, she called me in to enquire whether I had anything to tell her.
I said no, and Mum accepted that. Did she ask Valentine too?
If so, he must have kept his mouth shut, or we’d have been back on the mat in her office together.
I cough slightly and mumble, ‘Morning.’
‘Did you sleep well?’ she asks, though I’m pretty sure she can see that I didn’t. Either way, it seems to have been a rhetorical question, because Mum’s still talking. ‘Are you waiting for someone?’
I hastily shake my head and turn to follow her down the central aisle. I join Henry in our row. It’s traditional to leave the two seats between us free. For Emma and Tori, although I bet she’d rather sit anywhere but next to me today.
‘Where’s Emma?’ I ask, as Henry straightens his tie.
He nods towards the aisle as, at that second, Emma and Tori reach our row.
Great. So much for my intention to catch Tori at the first good opportunity and ask if we can talk.
In my experience, there’s just as little time between assembly and breakfast as there is between breakfast and first period.
And I want to get this conversation right.
Not in front of the others, just Tori and me. Like she deserves.
She hesitates at the sight of me. I see the disappointment on her face and it’s like a punch in the guts.
I want the old Tori back, the one who’d come up to me without a second’s pause to whisper something to me like I was the most important person in her life.
I want us back. I hate being the one who screwed it up. And I’m the only person who can fix it.
She doesn’t say a word as she stands beside me. Mum steps up to the lectern.
‘Tori?’ I gulp, and then I force myself just to say it. ‘I’m sorry. Can we talk later, maybe?’
She doesn’t reply, she just keeps staring motionless, dead ahead. The room is buzzing with voices, but she must have heard me. Or are we ignoring each other now?
‘After breakfast? Or this afternoon? Please, Tor.’
Her arm touches mine, I turn to face her and realize she’s swaying. My blood runs cold as she grabs me.
‘Tori?’ Her fingers are freezing. ‘Are you OK?’
I look at her, Mum’s starting to speak.
‘Do you need to sit down?’ I suggest, but I’m not sure if Tori can hear me.
My stomach cramps as her fingers dig deeper into my forearm. ‘I think I should . . .’ she murmurs weakly.
Her chair scrapes as she stumbles back. I grab her and pull her towards me but it’s too late.
Her body grows heavy, her head falls against my chest. Henry reaches out to us but everything happens so quickly that I stumble to the floor with Tori.
The next moment, I’m kneeling beside her.
A gasp runs through the room as the others turn to look.
‘Hey, Tori. Tor, look at me.’ I grab her head but her eyes stay shut. My heart is thumping, my hands are shaking. Her cheeks are burning when I touch her face.
‘What’s happened?’ Mum’s voice is on the sound system, cutting over the swelling chatter. ‘Will someone please fetch Dr Henderson?’
Henry leans over; he and Emma push the chairs away a little. Mr Acevedo and Ms Buchanan are coming over, and the others are making room, but Tori’s still not moving.
‘She’s fainted,’ says Mr Acevedo. ‘She just needs some fresh air.’
I nod, on autopilot. Everyone’s eyes are on us as I lift Tori and carry her down the aisle.
She’s heavy, but what does that matter? Valentine Ward appears out of nowhere; Ms Buchanan stops him getting in our way.
Henry goes ahead of us and opens the double doors.
Dr Henderson is already heading our way.
I walk, I hear people saying things, and I can’t take anything in.
Everyone’s calm, nobody’s freaking out the way I am on the inside.
Tori just keeled over and I’ve got so bloody much to say to her.
My arms are burning by the time we reach the sick bay.
Dr Henderson tries to send us out again almost as soon as I’ve laid Tori on a bed.
I don’t move as he and Nurse Petra bend over her.
Henry tugs on my shoulder.
He’s saying something but I can’t hear him. I can’t breathe. I’ve never seen my best friend in this state. I can’t stand it.
‘Hey.’ I jump as Henry speaks to me again. ‘Look at me.’
He’s staring at me insistently, as only Henry can, and somehow it works. I calm down. ‘They’ll look after her,’ he says, leading me out. ‘Everything will be all right.’
I resist the urge to shake my head because how the fuck does he know that?
Could he stay this calm if it had been Emma just fainting in his arms?
I doubt it, but then he doesn’t know what it’s like.
Emma was the one who was standing on the rugby pitch in a panic, barely able to move, when he had that accident at the end of last year.
I get it now. It makes perfect sense. Because if Tori’s not well, I can’t breathe.
‘Charlie?’
I turn as I hear Mum’s voice and the click of her heels on the stone floor. Seems like assembly ended early today, for obvious reasons. Henry lets go of my shoulder and steps back.
‘How is she?’ Mum sounds anxious, and something about that makes me want to cry.
‘I don’t know,’ I begin. ‘They sent us out.’
‘I see.’ Mum nods, walking past us. ‘I’ll make enquiries so that I can let her parents know.’ She stops as I try to follow her. ‘You two wait out here, please.’
‘Mum,’ I beg, but she shakes her head ever so slightly.
‘I’ll be right back.’
She doesn’t see. I’m losing my mind. She walks into the sick bay and I stare up at the ceiling. All I can think of is Tori’s body burning up, the way she crumpled in my arms. Like she was a puppet and someone had cut her strings.
Henry doesn’t even ask if we should go to the dining room. He just waits with me until Mum walks down the corridor towards us. She’s looking serious.
‘And?’ I walk up to her, try to read her face, gauge how serious it really is.
‘There’s flu going around the juniors and Dr Henderson thinks that’s what Tori’s caught. She’ll soon be back on her feet.’
How can she sound so calm? Didn’t she see the way Tori fainted?
‘Is she awake?’ I ask. ‘Mum?’
The look in her eyes makes me feel like my knees might give way. ‘Not just now – she’s got a high temperature, but Dr Henderson is looking after her.’
I feel sick. ‘But . . . shouldn’t she be in hospital?’
‘Charles, I’m quite certain that Dr Henderson is best placed to judge how serious the situation is,’ Mum says. ‘They’re giving her fluids and something to get the fever down. She’ll be better soon.’
‘Can I see her?’ I say, without much hope.
‘She needs rest.’
‘I’ll be quiet,’ I say at once. ‘Seriously, I just need to . . .’
‘Charlie, we don’t want anyone else to catch it. The sick bay is almost full as it is. It would be irresponsible of us.’
My eyes are welling with tears of rage and helplessness.
Because Mum doesn’t understand how urgently I need to see her.
It’s truly important to me, OK? I have to see that Tori’s all right.
I kissed Eleanor for real, on purpose. Because I wanted to hurt my best friend.
Was she already feeling ill? Yesterday evening?
And I didn’t notice because I was too busy raging and getting revenge? I’m the world’s biggest arsehole.
‘Hey.’ Henry puts a hand on my shoulder. I can’t bear it.
‘Mum, please,’ I whisper, but she shakes her head. I hate how much she has to be the head teacher as soon as we’re at school.
She takes a step towards me and I want to flinch. But I don’t. I feel the hot tears in my eyes as she puts her arms around me. Normally I’d be embarrassed to cry in front of her and Henry, but right now I have other worries.
‘I’m sure it looked worse than it was, pet,’ she says quietly.
‘She just fell over, Mum,’ I whisper.
‘Lucky you were there, huh?’ She looks at me and I wonder where she’s getting all the horrible sympathy. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Maybe . . . But I can’t help it. ‘I’m sure that Tori will be doing much better in a day or two. Then she’ll be able to have visitors.’
She lets me go. Henry is discreetly studying some kind of invisible message in the flooring, and he only looks up again when Mum continues: ‘I’ll tell Tori’s parents.
You two, please get to class.’ She gives Henry a look that presumably means something like Take care of him for me.
He nods at once. ‘And if either of you starts feeling ill in the course of the day, please tell your houseparent at once. Got that?’
I want to argue, but I have to face the facts – making a scene wouldn’t do any good.
Then they wouldn’t let me see Tori at all.
I gulp, but the stupid lump in my throat won’t disappear as I glance at the door between me and Tori.
Everything within me wants to go back to her, just to convince myself she’s OK.
‘Coming?’ Henry’s voice makes me jump.
I nod absentmindedly.
‘Sinclair, she’ll get better,’ he says, as we walk down the corridor. He has no idea.
‘I kissed Eleanor,’ I say.
Henry stops.
‘Yesterday,’ I continue.
‘What?’ He’s looking at me like he didn’t hear properly. But he did. I can see it in his face. ‘Just like that?’
‘For the play. Not just like that. But . . . I went too far – I kissed her an extra-long time because I knew Tori was watching. Because I was raging and wanted her to feel like I felt.’
Henry eyes me. ‘Have you talked since?’
‘No.’ Of course not. ‘I wanted to apologize before assembly. But . . .’ My stomach clenches.
‘You’ll apologize as soon as she’s better.’ Henry sounds firm.
As if that meant it was done. ‘Why did I do it?’ I stutter.
‘Because you two are in love.’ He says it like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And it kind of is. ‘Because you have feelings for her, and you were hurt. But, Sinclair, you have to find the guts to tell her the truth if you don’t want things to be like this between you for ever.’
It sounds so simple when he puts it like that.
‘It’s not that hard,’ he adds, as if he’d read my mind. ‘And it’s worth it, I promise.’
Maybe Henry’s right. But maybe I’ve fucked up. Maybe Tori won’t listen, which would be perfectly understandable.
Emma’s waiting for us at the corner to the classrooms. She’s pale and her eyes are wide with worry. ‘How is she?’ she asks at once.
I let Henry answer. I don’t listen as we walk to class.
I can’t concentrate on anything. I do try, but all morning, my thoughts are anywhere except the classroom.
I stare out of the window, so that I’ll see if an ambulance arrives.
By lunch, I feel so grim it would be a good enough excuse to go to the sick bay myself.
I barely manage to choke down a mouthful. I feel Henry’s eyes on me and try not to let it show, but Tori hasn’t replied to the texts I’ve sent her, which must mean she’s too ill even to have picked up her phone. Or that she hates me. Neither option is exactly soothing.
I fight my way through two more lessons, then head to the stables. It’s the only answer when I can’t think straight. There isn’t time for a ride before study time, but that means the stables will be empty right now.
‘I’ve fucked up,’ I whisper, once I’ve cleaned Jubilee’s hoofs and straightened up again.
She snorts quietly and twitches her ears towards me.
There are few things I believe as firmly as that she can sense my emotions.
‘With Tori. I’ve fucked the whole thing up.
And d’you know what? The worst thing is that it started when I got the part in the play.
It went so wrong. I only auditioned so that we could spend more time together again.
It was meant to be the answer. But it turned out to be the opposite.
This stupid play has just made everything even more complicated. ’
Jubilee turns her head towards me as I knock out the hoof pick and throw it back in my grooming kit. Then I reach down to pick up the curry comb and body brush. Brushing her soft coat has an almost meditative quality.
‘I mean, what was I expecting?’ I ask, as if Jubilee could actually answer me.
‘I’d hate it too if she was playing the lead.
With Val. That fucker, wow . . .’ The mare immediately tenses and I make an effort to calm my voice.
‘I would really have hated it. Even if they were only co-stars, only stage-kissing. What on earth was I thinking?’ I duck beneath Jubilee’s lead rope to get to her other flank.
For a while, I brush her in silence, but the thoughts are getting louder and louder in my mind.
‘I guess there’s only one solution, unless you have any ideas?
’ Jubilee stays quiet. ‘Shit, OK. I’m afraid you’re right.
But at least that way I’ll have more time for you. ’
She snorts smugly, almost as if she’d really understood me. Maybe she had. Although I’d be surprised. Lately, even I don’t understand me.
‘I was really enjoying it, you know?’ I shut my eyes. ‘But I’ve got no choice, have I?’
She snorts again.
‘Thought not.’